DH said this and it made me think

[kriket]

I asked DH if he would want to foster to adopt he thought about it for a second, then, roughly translated from 'man' into the good queen's english said

"No, I think it would break my heart"

:

What do you wise ladys (and gents) think? Is he right? Should I not put effort into fostering to adopt?

[quantumleap]

My partner thinks that too, but a recent-ish thread taught me that this is a fairly offensive thing to say to foster parents. (we're also foster parents, but of the emergency/short term variety)
I know, for my partner, even though he hasn't verbalized it, part of his hang up is wanting a return on his "investment". I'm actually there too. It's hard when you think of all the time and effort you put in to a foster child, never knowing if you'll get to be around the child long enough to reap the rewards of the child gaining enough confidence to play with new kids at the playground or learning whine-alternative methods of communication. It's satisfying to see a child grow and learn, especially when you've had a small part to play in directing that learning. And then it's difficult to invest yourself when you know the child could/will be leaving your family. Not to mention the investment you make with your heart as you attach to a foster child!
Is there a way you guys can gain some more exposure without a full-time permanent commitment at this point? I know a lot of mamas on here talk about adoption fairs or being able to be involved in foster parent societies or support groups before they are actually fostering. Maybe some more education, information and exposure to other foster parents will help ease some of your partner's fears. Maybe he'll decide that it's worth the risk.

If fostering is something that's important to you, then I do think you should pursue information gathering and keeping on ongoing communication with your partner. We all see things differently with time and information. Not that you should force or pressure him, but I don't think you should give up on your own dream either. I'm sure the more experienced parents on here will have better/more thoughts to share.

Good luck.

[kriket]

Originally Posted by selkat

My partner thinks that too, but a recent-ish thread taught me that this is a fairly offensive thing to say to foster parents.

I would like to hear why.

I took this to mean that if he loved and got to know a child then they were re-placed or returned to their birth parents, it would be bittersweet. It would be like losing a child, almost. You know it is in their best interest to have them with their parents, but you would miss them. The highchair at the table would be empty.

[Momily]

Originally Posted by kriket

I would like to hear why.

I took this to mean that if he loved and got to know a child then they were re-placed or returned to their birth parents, it would be bittersweet. It would be like losing a child, almost. You know it is in their best interest to have them with their parents, but you would miss them. The highchair at the table would be empty.

I think that many foster parents hear in that the implication that they (the foster parents) don't love the children as much as the person saying this does and that's why they don't feel heartbroken when they leave.

[kriket]

Originally Posted by Momily

I think that many foster parents hear in that the implication that they (the foster parents) don't love the children as much as the person saying this does and that's why they don't feel heartbroken when they leave.

hum.

I think that foster parents must just be stronger people then I am.

I never would have see it that way! Thats why I come here

[quantumleap]

Originally Posted by kriket

I would like to hear why.

I took this to mean that if he loved and got to know a child then they were re-placed or returned to their birth parents, it would be bittersweet. It would be like losing a child, almost. You know it is in their best interest to have them with their parents, but you would miss them. The highchair at the table would be empty.

I don't think I can explain exactly why, because I don't share the sentiment (that it's offensive). However, just because I am not offended by this, doesn't mean that I don't need to respect that other people *are* offended by it. I just avoid saying anthing along those lines now, because I do *not* want to offend the wise and gentle people who are foster parents.

The general idea I retained was that it paints people who do foster as cold hearted because they are able to love children and then let them on to other families.

[Sierra]

In terms of whether it is offensive, I think it depends on how it is said. If someone finds out we are foster parents, and they respond with something like, "Oh! You dear! I could never do that," it is very annoying (offensive? mildly so?) to me. If someone is considering fostering, however, and they are seriously trying to figure out what kind of emotional roller coaster they feel they can manage, I don't find it offensive.

There are some well-articulated thoughts on the offensiveness factor on this thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=899241

It is also offensive because it sounds like folks making excuses. It's sounds as lame as if someone was saying something like, "Oh, I would love to do CPR on the child who has stopped breathing, but I am afraid the child would die and it would just break my heart." I get tired of people excusing themselves from important matters like the children of the world.

I am not strong. I am not super human.

I did not set out thinking this is something I would necessarily be great at.

My wife too feared she would be so emotionally crushed by fostering experiences that she couldn't handle it, and she was wrong. Not only have we fostered, but we did eventually foster-adopt even after a really heartbreaking fostering experience.

It is really, really hard at times. Other times it is a joy or at least comfortable. There is nothing like the feeling of watching a parent and child finally reunite after a parent fights like h**l to move mountains to be able to parent safely.

These kids are the responsibility of all of us, and honestly they have been the light of my life. I look at ds, and my dfd who we will possibly soon adopt, and I couldn't imagine trading it for the world.

You might appreciate this thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=970200

That said, if you are going into foster-adopt, it is different than fostering. You'll consider it from a different angle than someone going in just for fostering. And as much as I get tired of hearing folks make excuses, I certainly don't want the *wrong* sorts of folks to foster or adopt, nor do I think anyone should anyone claim to adopt with the goal of "saving a child." It's not a selfless act, and folks who have been adopted really resent being talked about as "saved" by the altruism of adoptive parents.

[EricaRain]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sierra. I'm not sure I could handle fostering for many reasons right now (not the least of which is not enough room for our existing kids, not enough money and I've just gone back to work, and haven't got our current adoptee settled yet). But I'm glad to understand your perspective a bit better.

[griffin2004]

Originally Posted by kriket

"No, I think it would break my heart"

It very well might, but is that REALLY a valid reason not to reach a loving hand out to a hurting child? It's easy to retreat into our comfy lives and tsk tsk while we bemoan the neglected and abused children all around us. It's a lot tougher to walk the walk.

Maybe foster care isn't the avenue for you. Maybe Big Brothers/Sisters would be better. Or work with homeless teens. Or ... or ... or ... There is no shortage of need.

[heatherdeg]

Yeah, what Sierra said.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by griffin2004

It very well might, but is that REALLY a valid reason not to reach a loving hand out to a hurting child? It's easy to retreat into our comfy lives and tsk tsk while we bemoan the neglected and abused children all around us. It's a lot tougher to walk the walk.

This seems like a false statement, though I understand the sentiment. There are valid reasons for not reaching out, and there are VERY valid reasons for not choosing foster-adopt.

Broken hearts = Broken marriages = Broken families

That, too, is simplistic, but adding stress and strain to a family comes with risks. Risks that partners or couples might be able to look at and say "yeah, I can't take that on right now." The stress and strain of dealing with courts, abuse, attachment, uncertainty, health issues...all of that can break a marriage. When a husband says he couldn't because he thinks it might break his heart, I think that's valid. More power to him, actually, for being realistic about his limitations and being protective of his own health and happiness. I'd rather see that than a person who goes forth out of a feeling of responsiblity, but never looks at their own inner capacity. That's a recipe for disaster.

People who choose not to take on the challenges of adoption or special needs shouldn't be looked at as selfish, or as cowardly. I've seen many cases where it was actually very brave for people to say "No. I can't. That would be too much."

[griffin2004]

Please note that I said maybe fostering isn't for them. There are lots of ways to help children.

Reaching out in love to ANYONE in ANY circumstance risks pain. But what's the alternative? To live your life on an emotional island while the world misses out on what you have to offer and receive from others?

[heythere heather]

well said, Sierra.

Originally Posted by griffin2004

Please note that I said maybe fostering isn't for them. There are lots of ways to help children.

Reaching out in love to ANYONE in ANY circumstance risks pain. But what's the alternative? To live your life on an emotional island while the world misses out on what you have to offer and receive from others?

And I agree. First, I don't at all maintain that EVERYONE should be a foster parent. I know that's not true. But I'm not super-human. It hurts me, too. But love always always carries the risk of pain. Helping others can't really be done well if I only help from a place of safety. In our family, we've weighed the risk and it's worth it.

[UUMom]

As I move closer to fostering, I realize that it's not about me or whether I would feel sad to lose a foster child. The goal is mostly reunification, so the job is to keep the child safe and as emotionally healthy/stable as you can as you hope the bio families work towards being able to parent safely. I know I will only be ready to foster when I can unconditionally feel the joy for a family (at my loss) reunification.

I worry a lot about getting a bad social worker, or not being able to foster- parent a needy child well and safely. I also worry about all the horror stories and living through one.

I wish more people talked about when fostering goes well. Is it so rare?

[kriket]

I hear what you guys are saying.

Is it wrong to want to foster to keep the child in your family? I'm not sure that my thoughts are. We know that we want to add to our family, non-biologically. There are kids in our area that are foster children that need permanent homes. Am I being naive to think I can adopt a child from the foster system?

[Sierra]

It is not naive. A number of us have done it. Our family is currently foster-adopting for a second time.

Is it wrong? I think it is wrong to go into fostering with the goal of adoption in mind, if you can't first make a commitment to reunification. The purpose of foster care is simply to keep kids safe, but the first goal is to always do so in one's home of origin if at all possible. Kids belong with their parents, whether or not those parents are perfect or even good. Just as long as they are safe. Why? Because being separated from them is harmful to the emotional/pyschological/mental and possibly spiritual well-being of children, again...even if the parents aren't the best.

If you can't commit to reunification on a theoretical level, there is no way you will ever be able to commit on a practical level when you have absolutely fallen in love with a real child and have a glimpse into the heartbreak you will feel if/when the child leaves. But as foster parents, we make a commitment to support the work of parents to reunify with their children.

I think all of us are naive when we first go in, even when we've researched our butts off and think we know what we are in for. There is just no way to predict the intricate details of each case nor truly ever prepare for the emotional roller coaster ahead.

[Isamama]

Originally Posted by Sierra

That said, if you are going into foster-adopt, it is different than fostering. You'll consider it from a different angle than someone going in just for fostering. And as much as I get tired of hearing folks make excuses, I certainly don't want the *wrong* sorts of folks to foster or adopt, nor do I think anyone should anyone claim to adopt with the goal of "saving a child." It's not a selfless act, and folks who have been adopted really resent being talked about as "saved" by the altruism of adoptive parents.

Thank you for saying that!

[Isamama]

Originally Posted by Sierra

It is not naive. A number of us have done it. Our family is currently foster-adopting for a second time.

Is it wrong? I think it is wrong to go into fostering with the goal of adoption in mind, if you can't first make a commitment to reunification. The purpose of foster care is simply to keep kids safe, but the first goal is to always do so in one's home of origin if at all possible. Kids belong with their parents, whether or not those parents are perfect or even good. Just as long as they are safe. Why? Because being separated from them is harmful to the emotional/pyschological/mental and possibly spiritual well-being of children, again...even if the parents aren't the best.

If you can't commit to reunification on a theoretical level, there is no way you will ever be able to commit on a practical level when you have absolutely fallen in love with a real child and have a glimpse into the heartbreak you will feel if/when the child leaves. But as foster parents, we make a commitment to support the work of parents to reunify with their children.

I think all of us are naive when we first go in, even when we've researched our butts off and think we know what we are in for. There is just no way to predict the intricate details of each case nor truly ever prepare for the emotional roller coaster ahead.

I think I have a new shero!

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by UUMom

I worry a lot about getting a bad social worker, or not being able to foster- parent a needy child well and safely. I also worry about all the horror stories and living through one.

I wish more people talked about when fostering goes well. Is it so rare?

The social workers in my county are wonderful (except one, from what I hear.) Everyone is highly dedicated to the children in our care and making sure that they receive the services, support, and love that they need.

I think that fostering goes well, a lot of the time. You're right, people tend to post, and vent, when they are having challenges and not as much when things are going along smoothly. I've been fostering for 27 months and have had one short term and two long term placements. I adopted my son in May and have an open adoption with his birth mother, grandmother, and uncle. My foster daughter has been with us for a year (she's now 20 months) and she's a typical, happy toddler. There's no evidence of adoption/fostering related attachment challenges, as of now. They're just kids. Day to day, it doesn't feel like we're a foster family. I'm their mother. My little one hasn't seen her birth mother (due to safety and severe mental health concerns) in 13 months.