When your dd is say 16-17, she got pregnant, boyfriend left her, what would you do? - Page 2

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by mamahart

I would tuck my daughter in my arms and ask what she wanted and needed. I would be available for whatever she chose including living with me and having the baby at home. Honestly I would be most concerned about prenatal health and would prefer her close by, if she wanted to leave that would be the hardest thing for me.

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I would hope she wouldn't want to have an abortion and I may try to steer her away from that but I would not judge her or be angry if she chose that. If she wanted to give the baby up for adoption, I would want to adopt him/her. If she wanted to keep the baby, I'd do everything I could to help her be the best mom she could be.

I had my first exactly 2 weeks before my 21st birthday (I know, quite a bit older than 16-17). My bf left me for someone else when I was about 6 months pregnant. My parents encouraged me to have an abortion but I just couldn't go through with it. I have regretted getting pregnant when I was young and single and didn't have a stable life but I have never regretted having my ds.

[Mama Dragon]

As crappy as my dad is (just search my posts ), when I got pg at 15 and the guy I was with (who I married when DD was 6m and had another child with) was useless, he didn't kick me out, got me all the baby stuff I needed, encouraged breastfeeding and cloth diapering and just made being a mom easier, even though I did ALL the work, and still cooked and cleaned and all that. I had to put up with some crude comments and some bull )$@# but over all it was a positive experience.

My mom just cried. She let me down in a major way at least 3 times prior to that so I just rolled my eyes and let it slide off my shoulders. She was totally unsupportive. And wonders why I haven't spoken to her in the past 6 years.

[panamama]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

I have regretted getting pregnant when I was young and single and didn't have a stable life but I have never regretted having my ds.

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i was 15 when i had to tell my mother i was pregnant. she didn't take it well AT ALL and our relationship was severly damaged as a direct result of the way she treated me during my pregnancy. (it's repaired, now, thankfully.) i was expecting and ready to accept a bad reaction. but her 'reaction' lasted for 24 months and led me to finally move out when DS was 1 (and i was 16). it was ROUGH, to put it mildly, and i could've used a mama's love/guidance/shoulder/etc those years while DS and i grew up together. but...we (all) made it so i guess it's okay now.

as for what i'd do? well, i don't have a daughter, but i'd still have a very hard time if DS (16) came telling me he's gotten some girl pregnant. honestly, i would try not to, but very likely have a FIT as my initial reaction. probably some awful combination of blubbering, crying, yelling, anger & disappointment*. : i think more than anything b/c DS and i have talked about teen preganancy, sex, etc so often and so openly, i'd just be totally shocked and dismayed that he'd made choices that got him and a young woman in that situation. (i know, i know...things happen. but still.) once i got myself togther/calmed down, we'd talk about it and i'd support him in supporting her/their decision. him leaving or being unsupportive of the young woman would NOT be an option.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by samy23

What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?

I am curious, why do you ask?

[warriorprincess]

I would support her in anything but abortion.

[KMK_Mama]

Originally Posted by bmcneal

I would support her in whatever she chose to do, but I would try and steer her away from abortion.

Me too. I would hope she would choose to keep the baby.

[earthie_mama]

I would do the same thing I would if she were my best friend- and more. I don't have a daughter yet, and my sons are too young to even try to conceptualize them as grown, sexual beings.... my oldest is 3 1/2.... but I would help her in every way I could, and be a loving, involved grandma.

School shouldn't be an issue, since my children will either be unschooled, or attend the charter school I want to start. So either way, she would have no problem finishing school, and could bring the baby. I would be able to help her with childcare while she attended college and/or worked, and ideally she would just build a small house on my property. Or if she didn't want to keep the baby, then I would support her too. If she wanted an abortion I would teach her gentle techniques (starting with simply asking the baby to leave) I would support her in every way possible, and help her to have a peaceful pregnancy and birth, ideally.

If my sons were responsible for a pregnancy at that age, I would support the mother, if her family was unsupportive, and treat her as my own child. I also would not stand for my son not supporting his baby. (at the very least) If he decided to anyway though, I would not try to force him, if his supportive is not coming from a positive source, then she's better getting it from positive ones, I'd offer her that alternative.

[1littlebit]

i was just thinking about this.. and if i were going to give my baby up for adoption i would never let a family member adopt. my parents were great parents.. actually everyone in my family is but i absolutely could not give my child to a family member to be raised. i think it would kill me. if my child wanted to do this when she got pg (fictional dd since i have a boy lol) i think i would be hesitant to do it. if she wanted to give her child to me to adopt i would think it is because she does not actually want to let go of her child. I would make sure that she knew i did not have to adopt the baby to help her with him and see what she thought after that.

[Pancakes]

Originally Posted by warriorprincess

I would support her in anything but abortion.

Originally Posted by KMK_Mama

Me too. I would hope she would choose to keep the baby.

Can I ask what you would do if she did choose to abort?

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

i was just thinking about this.. and if i were going to give my baby up for adoption i would never let a family member adopt. my parents were great parents.. actually everyone in my family is but i absolutely could not give my child to a family member to be raised. i think it would kill me. if my child wanted to do this when she got pg (fictional dd since i have a boy lol) i think i would be hesitant to do it. if she wanted to give her child to me to adopt i would think it is because she does not actually want to let go of her child. I would make sure that she knew i did not have to adopt the baby to help her with him and see what she thought after that.

I thought a lot about this too ... as it is I am a co-parent for my grandson, I support them financially and take physical care of him much of the time I am not working. If my dd had wanted me to adopt him I am not sure what I would have done. How painful would it be to watch somebody else be "mommy" to your child?

I try to take as much time with him as I can so that she does not feel overwhelmed and can be a calm loving parent.

[yaM yaM]

Cherie2, you sound like an amazing grandmother. I think that your daughter and grandson are blessed to have you in their lives.

[KMK_Mama]

Originally Posted by Pancakes

Can I ask what you would do if she did choose to abort?

Honestly, I don't know. If that is what she wanted I guess I would just make sure she knew that she *might* end up regretting it for the rest of her life.
I know people have abortions and don't regret it, but if I ever had to make that choice and ended up aborting I would live a life full of regret that would haunt me. I wouldn't want that for her.

[imagine21]

I would take her and pay for the termination.

[1littlebit]

she considered all of her options, had access to informative resources (assuming you help her access unbiased information about all of her options) she went through whatever process was right for her and made her decision.

'making sure' she knows she might end up regretting it for the rest of her life is manipulative. and a good way to either bully her into changing her mind or making sure she does regret it for the rest of her life.

Your daughter has just made one of the hardest decisions she will ever have to make, i think saying ok baby when would you like to go is pretty much the only appropriate thing to say. the only thing she needs to be sure of is her decision, and that you love her and support her.

your daughter would be the one getting the abortion not you... so how you would feel if you got an abortion is irrelevant.

[1littlebit]

Originally Posted by imagine21

I would take her and pay for the termination.

me too

[vancouverlori]

This is a great thread...

Originally Posted by smillerhouse

My dd is 15.5. We are going to dr. Thursday for birthcontrol. Sallie

Ahhh, that is a good preventative... just a reminder that even when taken perfectly (which is rare) it can still fail. A coworker of mine has a beautiful 2 year-old to attest to that, and I lived in student family housing in university...

I would be totally supportive of my daughter, whatever she chose. In the case of abortion, I think I would make sure that she's had ample time to think about it. No matter how you argue semantics, the reality is that it is a major decision that can cause major regret later, so I would want her to be sure that it really is the best option. And once she'd thought about it, then I would take her to the appointment, and hold her hand if she wanted. I'm pro-life for myself, and pro-choice for the rest of the world, if that makes any sense.

I was (fortunately) 19 when I had to tell my mom I was pregnant. She held me, and we had a good cry together. Even though I was nearly 20, I was still completely devastated. And the best thing she did: she told me it had happened to her when she was 18, but that she'd miscarried. And a few other moms in our community privately took me aside and told me it happened to them too. While I mourned the loss of control over my life, I no longer felt like the worst woman ever! I was supposed to be the "good girl"!

And when someone in our community (mom was the secretary at a Catholic elementary school) asked her how she could support me when I'd been "bad", my mom pointed out that it's easy to be a good parent when your kids are being good. It's when they're being "bad" that they need you the most, and the hardest thing to do is be there for them, but it's the right thing to do. Fortunately, once it became known that I was 8 months pregnant (I managed to hide it until then, thinking I'd give baby up for adoption), the community was incredibly supportive, helping give me rides to appointments if mom had to work, etc, and the useful gifts...

In the end, my daughter's birth, while it was a VERY difficult time for me, and really, the timing was very poor, and her father was just so totally the wrong man, it was really the best thing that ever happened to me.

Of course, I'd be upset if DD got pg, because I would have taken pains to get her to a doctor for the pill as soon as she had a boyfriend, just in case. But hey, s**t happens. And as my doctor likes to say... babies choose their own time. (She had 5 herself.)

[Frida77]

Originally Posted by chiromamma

I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?

I totally agree--
I had my baby at 18-- I had lots of support all around me for any choice that I made. For that reason I was fully grounded as a mom and felt that I was responsible for my actions and in control of my future. I think that if anyone is stuck into being a parent for whatever reason, (financial, emotional, etc..) that can lead to a life of resenting the child. On the flip side, if a woman is pressured into terminating when she doesn't want to, that could lead to a feeling of loss and mourning that could be pervasive forever. Just because she is young doesn't mean that she can't pull her act together and become a kick-a** mama. I am so grateful for my daughter who flew into my life at exactly the right time to force me to become responsible and actually take care of her, and in the process, myself.
The last thing your daughter needs is for her mother to abandon her now.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by May May

Cherie2, you sound like an amazing grandmother. I think that your daughter and grandson are blessed to have you in their lives.

Thank you.. I think so too lol ... not sure my dd would say the same though... no, she knows she can count on me, I just think sometimes that i am making her weak and helpless by helping too much ... its a difficult line to walk.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

I just think sometimes that i am making her weak and helpless by helping too much

I don't think it's possible to help someone too much. What I've found is that the more I help someone the more they will want to do things for themselves and also help others. There is a difference between helping people and doing everything for them as if they can't do for themselves.

[SandraS]

Originally Posted by warriorprincess

I would support her in anything but abortion.

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