When your dd is say 16-17, she got pregnant, boyfriend left her, what would you do? - Page 3

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

I don't think it's possible to help someone too much. What I've found is that the more I help someone the more they will want to do things for themselves and also help others. There is a difference between helping people and doing everything for them as if they can't do for themselves.

That is hard to determine sometimes. I support her financially - could she get a job and pay for at least some of her own expenses? probably. Could she go to school? yea, but she doesn't do these things because she is taken care of.

Then there are her emotional needs. She struggles with anger and impatience. I spend every evening after work and weekends with dgs, is this taking away her ability to figure out her way as a mother? I really don't know.. I am sorry to slightly de-rail this thread - but these are things that weigh heavily on me

[kriket]

after reading a lot of your responses I think I have added a "house rule" to the list.
1. No Whistling.
2. No abortions.

Even if my DD wanted to have one, I think I would put my 'foot down' about this. Especially if my pregnancy now is the hypothetical DD we're talking about. It took me 12 months to conceive. I cannot allow a baby to be terminated

I am very much pro-choice. For adults. If she was 18 (and I know nothing magical happens at 18) I would let her do it. I would cry my eyes out and there would be some other things that I would require of an adult making adult decisions, like acting like an adult.

Oh, and the boyfriend, boyfriends parents, DH and I would be having a chat.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

That is hard to determine sometimes. I support her financially - could she get a job and pay for at least some of her own expenses? probably. Could she go to school? yea, but she doesn't do these things because she is taken care of.

Then there are her emotional needs. She struggles with anger and impatience. I spend every evening after work and weekends with dgs, is this taking away her ability to figure out her way as a mother? I really don't know.. I am sorry to slightly de-rail this thread - but these are things that weigh heavily on me

I was your dd and my mom was you. She helped me immensely with many things that I could've done for myself except that it wouldn't have been enough. Because of her help I was able to get my life figured out and my son was always cared for either by me or her. He still has a very special relationship with his grandmother. Of course, there's no guarantee that your dd will figure things out the way that I did but, ultimately, at this point, I think your grandson is the most important thing.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

I was your dd and my mom was you. She helped me immensely with many things that I could've done for myself except that it wouldn't have been enough. Because of her help I was able to get my life figured out and my son was always cared for either by me or her. He still has a very special relationship with his grandmother. Of course, there's no guarantee that your dd will figure things out the way that I did but, ultimately, at this point, I think your grandson is the most important thing.

Thank you for this, I can not tell you how much comfort it gives me

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by panamama

as for what i'd do? well, i don't have a daughter, but i'd still have a very hard time if DS (16) came telling me he's gotten some girl pregnant. honestly, i would try not to, but very likely have a FIT as my initial reaction.

I think I'd be more upset if it were my son telling me he got a girl pregnant. The main reason being that the girl may or may not be nice about the whole situation and I'd want my son to step up and take control but not be pushed in to something he doesn't want long term. I don't think couples necessarily "have" to get married just because the girl gets pregnant. That can sometimes be a bigger mistake than the unwanted pregnancy itself. For some reason I think it would be easier to handle it if it were my DD that got pregnant. But who knows.

As far as abortion goes. Some of you in here commented that you wouldn't accept that. What would you do if your child did make that choice? I would hope you'd still be there for them.

[1littlebit]

Originally Posted by kriket

after reading a lot of your responses I think I have added a "house rule" to the list.
1. No Whistling.
2. No abortions.

Even if my DD wanted to have one, I think I would put my 'foot down' about this. Especially if my pregnancy now is the hypothetical DD we're talking about. It took me 12 months to conceive. I cannot allow a baby to be terminated

I am very much pro-choice. For adults. If she was 18 (and I know nothing magical happens at 18) I would let her do it. I would cry my eyes out and there would be some other things that I would require of an adult making adult decisions, like acting like an adult. .

i do hope you have more respect for your daughter if this situation ever arises. I am sorry you had trouble TTC that must be incredibly had.

I do not think any parent has the right to 'put their foot down' on anyone's reproductive system. 18 is not a magic number, the choice is hers no matter the age. Parents can share their opinion with their child, though i do not recommend this. I do not think what the parent wants matters one iota. I do not think a parent should make decisions for their child based on their own hardships and experiences. that is not fair to the child. i imagine having trouble conceiving would make it incredibly hard to think anyone should get an abortion, but your child is not you, she has a right to make that decisions based on her own life and her own experiences.. sharing your experience with would be completely reasonable but forbidding her to make a choice b/c of your experience is not right.

[SandraS]

Originally Posted by mommy68

As far as abortion goes. Some of you in here commented that you wouldn't accept that. What would you do if your child did make that choice? I would hope you'd still be there for them.

I'm wearing my flame-proof clothing, so ya'll can go ahead.

No. I can't condone abortion under any circumstances other than rape. I wouldn't be there for my daughter if she chose that.

I know that sounds cold, but not as cold as abortion. I love my children, they are my life, and they will know my stance on this, and it would never be an option. JMO, on and on and on. I'm sorry if my opinion offends, that's not the intent.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

I do not think a parent should make decisions for their child based on their own hardships and experiences. that is not fair to the child.

exactly, it would be just like my mother after having 2 dc 9 months apart at the age of 18 with an abusive husband marching my sister to the abortion clinic when she got pregnant at 14.

she didn't have a choice because of mom's experience... that is not fair - and its not fair to force your child to have a baby because you couldn't.

[1littlebit]

Originally Posted by SandraS

I'm wearing my flame-proof clothing, so ya'll can go ahead.

No. I can't condone abortion under any circumstances other than rape. I wouldn't be there for my daughter if she chose that.

I know that sounds cold, but not as cold as abortion. I love my children, they are my life, and they will know my stance on this, and it would never be an option. JMO, on and on and on. I'm sorry if my opinion offends, that's not the intent.

I think conditional love and support sounds at least as cold as abortion if not more so.

[mommato5]

Originally Posted by SandraS

I'm wearing my flame-proof clothing, so ya'll can go ahead.

No. I can't condone abortion under any circumstances other than rape. I wouldn't be there for my daughter if she chose that.

I know that sounds cold, but not as cold as abortion. I love my children, they are my life, and they will know my stance on this, and it would never be an option. JMO, on and on and on. I'm sorry if my opinion offends, that's not the intent.

No flames here!

My boys will be involved and if they choose not to, I will not support that. My brother is a deadbeat dad and my kids see that, so hopefully it is something that stays with them.

As for my girls, I will support them wanting to raise their babies. To be honest, the only kind of abortion I could understand would be if there was something seriously wrong with their baby that was incompatible with life. If she wanted to give it up for adoption, I would adopt it. If it would be too hard for her, we would discuss her keeping it and how to make it work.

My children know about abortion and hopefully, those lessons will carry on into adulthood. I see 16 year olds called children in this thread yet people think they are responsible enough to make a decision like that. At 16, you are NOT responsible enough to make a decision like that. You think you are an adult. Too many young girls end up with abortions only to end up really psychologically messed up later and really regretting it. Children are not capable of handling all the ramifications that this carries. Post Abortion Syndrome is a horrible thing for a girl to deal with. It can also lead to many more destructive behaviors. It is really frightening.

[SandraS]

It's not conditional love. It's saying I won't condone murder. I'll back out of this topic before I violate a rule or the thread gets ugly. I love my children more than anything and would never let them kill someone else.

[bri276]

I would never present abortion or adoption to her as an option.

I completely agree. By that age, we would have already had those discussions multiple times anyways. One of my best friends became pregnant with TWINS at 16, and had them at 17. Her parents handled it horribly. They promoted abortion, and when they realized she wasn't going to be talked into it, suggested putting one twin up for adoption and keeping the other! They're not bad people, they just totally panicked and it really hurt her. She ended up having them healthy and full term, marrying their father, and having another child with him and they're now quite wealthy and successful.

On the other hand, I grew up my whole life hearing if I ever got pg, I'd be kicked out of the house. So when I did get pg ON the pill at 19, I immediately moved out without even telling them, and ended up going to a weird place for prenatal care and having a very complicated miscarriage. My parents are physicians; if they'd "been there" for me they could have helped prevent some of that. Granted, 19 is a world away from 16.

All that said, I would expect my daughter to have and keep her child and support her in that. If she very strongly wanted an abortion, I would make sure she received unbiased professional counseling and then take her and pay for it. As far as adoption, I'd be extremely uncomfortable and devastated with that and would do everything in my power to avoid it.

[kewb]

Originally Posted by chiromamma

I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?

Exactly. I would probably want her to terminate the pregnancy but I would not say so and I would not pressure her. We would look at all the options and I would support whatever decision she made.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by SandraS

No. I can't condone abortion under any circumstances other than rape. I wouldn't be there for my daughter if she chose that.

You couldn't find a middle ground where you are still "there" for your dd without supporting or condoning what she did/wants to do? I would still be there for any of my dses even if they did murder someone. They are my children and I would never abandon them physically or emotionally no matter what they did.

[swimswamswum]

I would encourage her not to keep the baby but love her and accept her no matter what she decided. I would pay for her to have an abortion if she decided that and I would help her give it up for adoption if she decided that.

If she decided to keep the baby I would not raise the child for her. I would still expect that she go to college and that she find a way to support herself once she's an adult. I would still pay for college and support her in other ways that she needed it but I would make it very clear that if she chose to keep the baby, she is the child's mother.

[swimswamswum]

Originally Posted by smillerhouse

My dd is 15.5. We are going to dr. Thursday for birthcontrol. Sallie

Good job mama!

[Freud]

Just a reminder:

For those of you who said you would prohibit your daughter from getting an abortion-- In Illinois a minor at the age of consent (12) can legally get an abortion without parental consent. This is probably true in other states as well.

For those who said you would take your daughter to get an abortion--a doctor cannot perform an abortion on a minor over the age of consent(12) without their consent.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by Freud

Just a reminder:

For those of you who said you would prohibit your daughter from getting an abortion-- In Illinois a minor at the age of consent (12) can legally get an abortion without parental consent. This is probably true in other states as well.

For those who said you would take your daughter to get an abortion--a doctor cannot perform an abortion on a minor over the age of consent(12) without their consent.

so for parents who said they would prohibit their daughters from getting an abortion ... the likelihood is that if they did get pregnant you might never know a thing about it... and even more likely if you also "prohibit" them from having sex. its too bad they wont have their mom to help them through one of the most traumatic times of their lives.

[SandraS]

I'm sorry some disagree with my not being able to condone outright murder. I simply cannot stand beside someone and say "it's allright" when it's not. Ya'll can think what you want. If my daughter, who will absolutely know my personal and religious beliefs about abortion, should get pregnant, I believe she will have the same values I will and it won't even be an option. If it is, it will be a bridge I will cross at that time, however I will not be beside her saying it's okay and she'll be just fine.

Because she won't.

Backing out "officially" now, because clearly I am an exception to the rule, which I am a lot, and I'm fine with that. My daughter will not murder a baby.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by SandraS

I If my daughter, who will absolutely know my personal and religious beliefs about abortion, should get pregnant, I believe she will have the same values I will and it won't even be an option. If it is, it will be a bridge I will cross at that time, however I will not be beside her saying it's okay and she'll be just fine.

Because she won't.

SandraS, I don't think anyone on this thread is suggesting that you should compromise your beliefs if your daughter wanted an abortion. No one is saying that you should tell her it's fine when of course you don't and wouldn't believe any such thing.

What people are wondering about (me included) is how a mother with such strongly held beliefs *would* approach the situation of her daughter making a choice that went against those beliefs. I think we all wonder this about ourselves and our children when it comes to certain issues. We all wonder just how we would react.

You say you wouldn't be there for your daughter if she chose abortion. You seem to mean that you wouldn't accompany her to the clinic. But does this mean you would disown her, distance yourself in some way? Would there be some shift in your relationship, or do you think you would still be able to accept her as your child?