When your dd is say 16-17, she got pregnant, boyfriend left her, what would you do? - Page 4

[choli]

Originally Posted by SandraS

I'm sorry some disagree with my not being able to condone outright murder. I simply cannot stand beside someone and say "it's allright" when it's not. Ya'll can think what you want. If my daughter, who will absolutely know my personal and religious beliefs about abortion, should get pregnant, I believe she will have the same values I will and it won't even be an option. If it is, it will be a bridge I will cross at that time, however I will not be beside her saying it's okay and she'll be just fine.

Because she won't.

Backing out "officially" now, because clearly I am an exception to the rule, which I am a lot, and I'm fine with that. My daughter will not murder a baby.

You think.

[angelpie545]

Originally Posted by kriket

after reading a lot of your responses I think I have added a "house rule" to the list.
1. No Whistling.
2. No abortions.

Even if my DD wanted to have one, I think I would put my 'foot down' about this. Especially if my pregnancy now is the hypothetical DD we're talking about. It took me 12 months to conceive. I cannot allow a baby to be terminated

I am very much pro-choice. For adults. If she was 18 (and I know nothing magical happens at 18) I would let her do it. I would cry my eyes out and there would be some other things that I would require of an adult making adult decisions, like acting like an adult.

Oh, and the boyfriend, boyfriends parents, DH and I would be having a chat.

I totally empathize with your views (I am against abortion but think it should be the woman's choice, as long as she is given unbiased counseling and every opportunity to ask questions and change her mind without any outside pressure to terminate, keep, or adopt) and I would be very hurt if one of my daughters got pregnant and chose to have an abortion. However, I know that the reality is that no matter how much you, I, or anyone else "puts their foot down" we cannot prevent our daughters from making a choice that is really theirs, not ours. In nearly every state in the Union a teenage girl can walk into an abortion clinic and request, consent to, and obtain one without our knowledge or permission. What's worse is that if your daughter gets pregnant, and, knowing your feelings on abortion still wants one anyway and is aware of the laws, she may not even feel the need to tell you at all. I know it's a very tough line to walk. You don't want to condone abortion because it is against your beliefs and hope your children feel the same way, but you really do need to prepare yourself for the situation that they may not. I'm walking that line right there with you. However, I've come to realize that the most important thing I can give to much children is my unconditional love, no matter what choice they may make. Yes, if my daughter had an abortion I would be absolutely devastated. I plan to educate my daughters the very real dangers and consequences of abortion as soon as they are old enough to understand it. If, despite my efforts they still chose to have one, all I can do is love them. That is my job as a parent. Abortion can do damage yes, but an unloving and unforgiving parent is much worse and is guaranteed to have much worse of an effect on your child, and may even destroy that relationship. My children will always be my children no matter what choices they make. I raise them with the premise that they aren't little replicas of myself and that they will probably live their lives much differently than I have lived mine and may even make drastically different choices. At the end of the day, however, a mother's love should be one constant thing they can count on, and I intend to try with all my heart to ensure they have that.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by angelpie545

My children will always be my children no matter what choices they make. I raise them with the premise that they aren't little replicas of myself and that they will probably live their lives much differently than I have lived mine and may even make drastically different choices. At the end of the day, however, a mother's love should be one constant thing they can count on, and I intend to try with all my heart to ensure they have that.

angelpie545, this is very well said. I have thought about this a lot wrt how I would feel if one of my sons joined the military. Like SandraS above, I can't even wrap my mind around the notion that they would make such a choice, given the values we're instilling in them. But if they should? Despite my deep disappointment, my probable feeling that I had failed as a parent in some way, I hope I would recognize that the choice was theirs to make and that, as you say, my love should always be a constant in their lives.

[lalaland42]

I hope that I could support DD regardless of what she chose although I prefer she wait until she is older to have kids.

Originally Posted by SandraS

It's not conditional love. It's saying I won't condone murder. I'll back out of this topic before I violate a rule or the thread gets ugly. I love my children more than anything and would never let them kill someone else.

You know that all those people in prison for murder have mamas too, right?

[1littlebit]

Originally Posted by lalaland42

I hope that I could support DD regardless of what she chose although I prefer she wait until she is older to have kids.



You know that all those people in prison for murder have mamas too, right?

and most of them who had their moms in their lives before or during the time of the murders still have their mothers. their mothers love them and support them. i love someone who has murdered someone. i love him no matter what. i support him. i certainly do not support his actions i do not think they were right. but i love him and i am there for him. i know how he got to the point that he did. i see the progress he has made. i will always love him. always be there. and you know what? his mama loves him more then i ever could... she makes me support look like toothpicks trying to hold up a hummer. she doesn't support or condone what he did either. unconditional love is by definition unconditional.

[Linda on the move]

If a parent has strong feelings against abortion and their daughter decides to have one, chances are she won't tell them. So you, as the mom, will never have to deal with it. She'll just keep it a secret from you.

I still haven't told my mom.

So it is my view that the stronger our opinions are, the less likely we make it that our children will talk to us when they have difficult choices to make.

My DH and I have discussed this issue, and we would support our DDs financially and emotionally what ever paths their lives take.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

assuming you help her access unbiased information about all of her options

'making sure' she knows she might end up regretting it for the rest of her life is manipulative. and a good way to either bully her into changing her mind or making sure she does regret it for the rest of her life.

your daughter would be the one getting the abortion not you... so how you would feel if you got an abortion is irrelevant.

These are all good points. Guilting her into the choice YOU want isn't really helping her make HER choice. It is her body, her baby, her life.

Originally Posted by Cherie2

I support her financially - could she get a job and pay for at least some of her own expenses? probably. Could she go to school? yea, but she doesn't do these things because she is taken care of.

Then there are her emotional needs. She struggles with anger and impatience. I spend every evening after work and weekends with dgs, is this taking away her ability to figure out her way as a mother?

Someone said you can't help too much. I strongly disagree. Teen dd/mom doesn't work or go to school? How/when is she going to take responsibility for herself and her child? Gramma taking care of grandchild EVERY evening and EVERY weekend is helping too much. I think doing so is taking away her need to be responsible.

Originally Posted by mommato5

If she wanted to give it up for adoption, I would adopt it.

I keep seeing this mentioned. I'd assume that would be painfully hard for the teen - to have her child around but not be parenting him. To watch her mom parent her child in ways she may or may not agree with. I could more easily support adoption outside the family OR teen keeping her baby and gramma helping out some.

Originally Posted by swimswamswum

If she decided to keep the baby I would not raise the child for her. I would still expect that she go to college and that she find a way to support herself once she's an adult. I would still pay for college and support her in other ways that she needed it but I would make it very clear that if she chose to keep the baby, she is the child's mother.

Thank you! Yes, this. I have three children. I am raising them. If/when my girls have babies, THEY will be the mothers. I am not raising grandchildren. Support, love, help with - sure. Raise - no.

Originally Posted by SandraS

If my daughter, who will absolutely know my personal and religious beliefs about abortion, should get pregnant, I believe she will have the same values I will and it won't even be an option. If it is, it will be a bridge I will cross at that time, however I will not be beside her saying it's okay and she'll be just fine.

Because she won't.

My daughter will not murder a baby.

Your daughter will do whatever she decides. You may be horrified by it, but she could choose abortion. I know MANY friends who had abortions as teens. 90% didn't tell their parents. One in particular has a very religious mother who would have felt just as you do.

As to the OP, I am not sure what I'd do. I'd be disappointed. I'd be sad that my dd lost some of her childhood and freedom and choices. But ultimately I'd try my best to be supportive in her making an adult decision and then supporting her in doing what was required to follow up with that. Under the age of 18, I guess that would mean living in my house with her baby if she decided to keep it. I'd try very hard not to mother the baby though. Baby is dd's and therefore her responsibility. At 18/hs graduation, I'd expect her to find an apartment for her and dgb, and either full time job or full time college classes. I'd help out with childcare as I could - but not full time. I'd help out with expenses as I could - but not everything. Help, not take over.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

Someone said you can't help too much. I strongly disagree. Teen dd/mom doesn't work or go to school? How/when is she going to take responsibility for herself and her child? Gramma taking care of grandchild EVERY evening and EVERY weekend is helping too much. I think doing so is taking away her need to be responsible.

Thank you! Yes, this. I have three children. I am raising them. If/when my girls have babies, THEY will be the mothers. I am not raising grandchildren. Support, love, help with - sure. Raise - no.

As to the OP, I am not sure what I'd do. I'd be disappointed. I'd be sad that my dd lost some of her childhood and freedom and choices. But ultimately I'd try my best to be supportive in her making an adult decision and then supporting her in doing what was required to follow up with that. Under the age of 18, I guess that would mean living in my house with her baby if she decided to keep it. I'd try very hard not to mother the baby though. Baby is dd's and therefore her responsibility. At 18/hs graduation, I'd expect her to find an apartment for her and dgb, and either full time job or full time college classes. I'd help out with childcare as I could - but not full time. I'd help out with expenses as I could - but not everything. Help, not take over.

Ideally, this is what one would hope for. If a teen child had a child, s/he would be responsible and take care of that child so that the grandparents would not have to. However, as has been pointed out many times, things don't always work out the way we think they should. There is no way to know the circumstances of a hypothetical situation or how anyone would react to it when faced with it. I think it's important to be open to all the possibilities and be ready to do my part in supporting my child however I can. It seems maybe "help" is being misinterpreted as taking over or doing everything. That's not what help is. Again, I don't think anyone can truly help another person too much.

[Turkish Kate]

As the mother of a 15-year-old and a child of teenage parents myself, this is something that has been on my mind lately. DH and I talked about this just a few days ago, actually. AFAIK, DD is nowhere near the point of having sex, and helping take care of her brother has really put her off having her own babies for a long time.

I was born to a teen couple who got married (choice? force? who knows anymore), then divorced when they discovered that having a baby doesn't make them grownups. In those days, there weren't many options beyond a) getting married and b) unwed mothers' home (this is pre-Roe v Wade). Rather than trying to help and support them after the divorce, my bio-mom's family basically forced her into reliquishing her baby (me) to them and proceeding with adoption. As a result, I was raised by my grandparents, calling them mom and dad, and never understood where I fit into my family (and still don't).

I've thought a lot about this scenario and how I would do things differently if I were the mom and DD the teen daughter. I am also very anti-abortion, but it would be her choice, and I would support her as lovingly as possible if she chose this scenario. And I would support her in the years to come as the effects of her decision become more apparent. If she chose to keep the baby and raise it, I would support her as much as possible and do everything in my power to help her be the best mom that she could be. And I would encourage the father's family to stay involved, whether the father chose to be involved or not. I would help DD with whatever education/career path she chose, but would encourage her not to miss her child's early years as much as possible. Whether she can support herself and her child is irrelevant to me, because I have such a strong belief that babies belong with their mothers.

The most difficult scenario I could possibly imagine would be if DD chose relinquishment. As an adult adoptee who has struggled with identity, attachment, and abandonment issues my whole life, I would have the hardest time with this option. I would rather do everything in my power to foster her parenting abilities than to see her relinquish a child.

In any case, it would be a tough roe to hoe and I pray that we never have to go down that garden path.

[AuntRayRay]

I don't have any girls, but I was once 17 and pregnant and my boyfriend left me. I lived in a unwed mothers home for the last month of my pregnancy.
So here's what I would do if I had a daughter in the future and this happened. LOVE her unconditionally. Educate her, let her know that she is a strong person and can get through this and doesn't need a man to do it either. Make sure she was well cared for and ate properly and had as positive of an experience as possible. It is a hard an emotional experience for a 16/17 yr old to go through, i think they need as much support as possible.
JMO

[natural_mama89]

this is a hard question for me. I was/am a teen mom (19). I have had quite literally zero family support and went through all kinds of very difficult things including being in a severely abusive relationship for 3 years. I would want to be there for my daughter no matter her decision. I know that its extremely hard to be a teen parent, but it may not be the same for someone who has help that I did not have. I struggle with my decisions because abortion felt horrible to me (hence having 2 kids so young). However, I ended up having a termination over this past summer (rape) because I knew i just could not handle another child when I knew I would be alone. I thought (maybe hoped) that the relationship with my childrens father would work out, but in the end it did not. I would just not want my daughter to feel like she missed so much of her childhood like I did. Or to feel hopeless or like she had no support or help or love in her life like I have at times. I wouldn't give up my kids for anything, but sometimes it is sooooooo hard that I wounder why I didn't just get an abortion the first time since I ended up doing it anyway.

[MarineWife]

natural_mama89

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by AuntRayRay

It is a hard an emotional experience for a 16/17 yr old to go through, i think they need as much support as possible.
JMO

yea

[fairymom]

This is soomething I struggle with thinking about.I was a teen mom (at 16) and now have three girls of my own (7,10,15).My eldest dd is sexually active,middle dd I don't worry as much about in her future and youngest is very simular to eldest.I don't regret my children nor would I make any different choices if I couldn't have my exact same children,but it is not something I would encourage for any of them.I would support their decisions but would also share my experiences with them.I have a hard time seeing my eldest as being able to mother well any time soon.She is in the throws of being a teenager and is very selfish and self-centered.She is very good with her younger sibs but is short on patience.She has big plans for herself and for her to be able to achieve those she will not be able to do them as a teen mother no matter what kind of support she recieves (with the exception of just taking over for her and not letting her take on the consequences of her actions).Yes i wolud encourage her to give the baby up!Judge me if you'd like but I know my daughters well and the life of a teen mother.I want my daughters to have easier paths than I choose.

[1littlebit]

i was a pg teen.. i do not think giving my son up for adoption would have been easier then growing up and being his mother. i hope no one ever encourages their pg teenager to give their child up for adoption unless the teenager brings it up and says it is what she wants before you say anything either way. if my mom had encouraged me to give DS up for adoption i would have been heart broken.

[Lisa85]

i was just thinking about this.. and if i were going to give my baby up for adoption i would never let a family member adopt. my parents were great parents.. actually everyone in my family is but i absolutely could not give my child to a family member to be raised. i think it would kill me. if my child wanted to do this when she got pg (fictional dd since i have a boy lol) i think i would be hesitant to do it. if she wanted to give her child to me to adopt i would think it is because she does not actually want to let go of her child. I would make sure that she knew i did not have to adopt the baby to help her with him and see what she thought after that.

I'm surprised this wasn't brought up before you said it. Had I been a young pregnant teen (got pregnant - planned - 2 months before my 20th bday), still living at home, not married, yada yada yada my parents would have been the LAST person I would have considered for adoptive parents. I may have chosen an aunt or something - somebody who did not live nearby. But never somebody I saw more often than weekly. That would be so hard to emotionally distance myself as THE mother and be in the right place mentally to know that I am the birth mother, not the day to day mother. It's hard enough for me to see any child sad in public when they are disciplined, even when it's done gently and with good reason. Now shoudl that be MY child, one whom I could not take care of, then to see another person who I know so well "step in" and discipline my child, oh boy. That would bring out a mama bear in me. For my mental happiness, I would NEED some distance. Both location wise, so as not to run into them all the time and family wise. It would need to be a complete stranger to me.

I have thought about this lots. There is no way I could give my daughter unbiased information. I would take her to Birth Right, Planned Parenthood, etc and have THEM give her some information on her choices. Sure, by then she probably would know the Big 3, but I doubt she would know the full legal stuff of abortion, all the resources available to her should she choose to keep the baby, and the detailed medical description of what an abortion really is and what the recovery would be like. I know as a teen, I had no idea what an abortion really was - just a "procedure" that was done to remove the baby.

I would be thrilled to be chosen as an adoptive parent to her child, but only if it was what she *really* wanted. If SHE could distance herself and become the birthmother, not the actual mother (ok actual was not the right word, but I'm drawing a blank on a better word to use) the I would be ok with it. Like a pp said, though, I'd be afraid that it would be her way of letting go without really letting go. If that's the case, then I'd assure her, adoptive mom or not, that I would be there for her, help her with a lot of the day to day stuff, and give advise when asked and otherwise keep my mouth shut.

I'm sorry, but those of you who either will not "allow" your daughter to get an abortion (whatever that means, she doesn't need your permission) or will only give her the choice to get an abortion are setting yourselves up for failure and will have a snowball's chance of having a good r/s with your daughter. It isn't your decision to make, and it shouldn't be treated as such. Too bad if it took you a long time to conceive and was effortless for your daughter. That would be you pushing your own problems on your daughter, and it simply isn't fair. I feel sorry for your daughters should they ever be in such a situation.

Especially if my pregnancy now is the hypothetical DD we're talking about. It took me 12 months to conceive.

That would be you putting your own emotional struggles onto your dd. Your dd shouldn't have to be tied down by your struggles. The amount of time it did or didn't take one to conceive should not have ANY correlation to what your dd decides to do with her pregnancy.

[MarineWife]

I don't understand why everyone thinks that if grandparents legally adopt their grandchild it means the parents would have to completely disconnect themselves from the child. If my child did not want to keep a baby, I would do everything I could to keep that child in the family rather than being given up to strangers. I would be the first to volunteer to adopt the child. Frankly, if my child tried to give his/her baby up for adoption to strangers, I would fight tooth and nail to adopt the child myself. That does not mean that I would make myself that child's mother. I would still be grandma. The child would know the truth about everything and I would encourage the parents to be as involved as they wanted to be. I really don't understand why it has to be either/or, all or nothing.

[Lisa85]

I don't understand why everyone thinks that if grandparents legally adopt their grandchild it means the parents would have to completely disconnect themselves from the child.

Nobody said "completely disconnect themselves from the child." I did say that FOR ME if I were to give a child up for adoption - that in and of itself would be very difficult to me. Add on top of that I would have to add 'sibling' to my role as well as 'birthmother'. How to act as a birthmother and sibling to the same child is a completely foreign idea and one I would likely not be able to do.

Frankly, if my child tried to give his/her baby up for adoption to strangers, I would fight tooth and nail to adopt the child myself.

Um, the only way that the child would go to strangers is if your daughter WANTED the baby to go to strangers. The only other scenario would be that your dd would have had her parental rights terminated and the baby put into foster care. Assuming your a suitable parent, with a suitable home, that baby would go to you, being next to kin unless the father was in the picture. So you would fight tooth and nail to adopt your dd's baby, not giving a damn about your dd's emotional needs so you a baby you don't even know and had no part in conceving won't go to complete strangers? Mkay.

[1littlebit]

if i decided to give my baby up for adoption to 'strangers' and my mother fought me on that it would probably be the end of our relationship. If i wanted my mother to adopt the baby i would have asked her to do so ... obviously i had reasons for not doing so. fighting to adopt the baby so that she would be grandma and i would be mom is a really great way to complicate that childs life completely. what happens when i move out of the house where does the child go? who gets to make decisions about parents? who does the parenting?

it is basically saying no sorry your not giving this baby up for adoption because i don't want you to. i have no respect for you or your decision and i will fight you on it because it is what i want and thats all that matters to me.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Lisa85

Nobody said "completely disconnect themselves from the child." I did say that FOR ME if I were to give a child up for adoption - that in and of itself would be very difficult to me. Add on top of that I would have to add 'sibling' to my role as well as 'birthmother'. How to act as a birthmother and sibling to the same child is a completely foreign idea and one I would likely not be able to do.

Why would you have to be birthmother and sibling? That doesn't make any sense to me, either. You'd be the child's birth mother. Period.

Um, the only way that the child would go to strangers is if your daughter WANTED the baby to go to strangers. The only other scenario would be that your dd would have had her parental rights terminated and the baby put into foster care. Assuming your a suitable parent, with a suitable home, that baby would go to you, being next to kin unless the father was in the picture. So you would fight tooth and nail to adopt your dd's baby, not giving a damn about your dd's emotional needs so you a baby you don't even know and had no part in conceving won't go to complete strangers? Mkay.

If you put your baby up for adoption with the state or an adoption agency or an attorney, they don't go to your family first, do they? They give notice to all the adoptive parents that they have a baby available. How are those people not strangers?

And, yes, I would take that baby against my dd's wishes if I could. I would strongly discourage her from giving the baby up in the first place, though.

fighting to adopt the baby so that she would be grandma and i would be mom is a really great way to complicate that childs life completely. what happens when i move out of the house where does the child go? who gets to make decisions about parents? who does the parenting?

How is that any more complicated than giving the baby away completely?I would hope that all people would be involved in the parenting. Ideally, the parents would do more of the parenting, but if they didn't want to, then the grandparents would. Co-parenting goes on all the time between husbands and wives and other partners. I truly don't understand why it's seems like such a strange or bad concept for grandparents and parents to take care of the child together.

it is basically saying no sorry your not giving this baby up for adoption because i don't want you to. i have no respect for you or your decision and i will fight you on it because it is what i want and thats all that matters to me.

Nope, that's not what I'd be saying. I'd be saying I care about both of you so much that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep all of us together, not because it's what I want but because it's what I think is best for the baby. Sorry, but I don't trust anyone else to take care of my family the way that I do. IMO, too many people mistreat their children even though they think they are doing the right thing for me to feel comfortable with having a grandchild given up to another family.