When your dd is say 16-17, she got pregnant, boyfriend left her, what would you do? - Page 5

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

Co-parenting goes on all the time between husbands and wives and other partners. I truly don't understand why it's seems like such a strange or bad concept for grandparents and parents to take care of the child together.

I have thought alot about this idea too, since my dd was 16 when she gave birth and was really not ready for all of this. We do co-parent, dd is in charge so it does not get confusing for dgs but she really needs A LOT of support. I would love, love, love to be his parent if she did not think she could do it but I do think it could be very damaging to her emotionally. For many reasons but for one to see me raising her child, and also .. to have "failed". I have tried to avoid anything like that by being as supportive as I possibly can and still maintain that she is in the drivers seat. (that is sooo not easy sometimes)

[Lisa85]

Why would you have to be birthmother and sibling? That doesn't make any sense to me, either. You'd be the child's birth mother. Period.

No, I wouldn't be the child's mother in an adoption situation, I would be the child's bithmother. Somebody else would have legal rights to the child, more legal rights than myself. What school they go to, how to discipline, what to feed the baby/child, the daycare/babysitters, the list goes on and on. The adoptive mother, and in this scenario that would also be grandma, would have all the legal rights to those decisions and as long as she is not breaking the law, there's nothing me as the birthmother could do about it. Of course I can talk to and reason with my mom about the hypothetical child, but in the end it's her decision to make. I would not be able to watch all those decisions go down without saying a word. Inevitably, she would do something I wouldn't agree with, and it may be harmless, but I'd disagree nonetheless and it'd be very hard for me emotionally to let go. To know that *I* am not the one with the rights. However if another family that I only knew because of the adoption, not really strangers because I would obviously get to know them before everything was finalized, it would be much easier for me. It would be much easier to not have to see the day to day things. I would never speak up about anything I disagreed with, short of abuse or breaking the law because it's not my place.

If you put your baby up for adoption with the state or an adoption agency or an attorney, they don't go to your family first, do they? They give notice to all the adoptive parents that they have a baby available. How are those people not strangers?

Birthmothers always choose the adoptive parents. She could choose the baby's grandma, or she could not. She can also choose to hand the baby over to the state and have them choose an adoptive family. The baby is then a ward of the state and in fostercare. The baby would likely go to a foster home until the legalities could be hammered out (you would need to be licensed as a foster care home, home inspection, background check, yada yada yada until they could officially terminate the parental rights and you could officially be named as the adoptive mother). The state pretty much always tries to home foster children with family, as long as they and their home are suitable. This is all assuming nobody else in the family tried to fight for the baby. They would have no mroe rights than you would. Sometimes, next of kin is given priority, but more often than not, it's whatever they deem as the best interest of the child which could or could not be you. At least that's how I understand it all, somebody correct me if I'm wrong.

And, yes, I would take that baby against my dd's wishes if I could. I would strongly discourage her from giving the baby up in the first place, though.

You can't. There is no such thing as Grandparent's rights. Your daughter and her bf are the only ones with legal rights to the child. If you legally tried to take your dd's baby against her wishes, you could probably forget about ever seeing much of her and her baby or having a relationship with her and her child again. At least that's how I would react. The harder you push, the harder they push back. Do you not see how that's greatly overstepping your boundaries?? You can call it "best interest of your family" or whatever, but really it's telling your daughter that the grandmother can make better decisions than she can. And maybe so in your opinion, but you do not have that right, and thank god for that. (not you in particular, just in general)

Co-parenting goes on all the time between husbands and wives and other partners. I truly don't understand why it's seems like such a strange or bad concept for grandparents and parents to take care of the child together.

Co parents are generally biological parents to the child though. And if not that, a step parent. It would not work well for my mother and I to coparent for a myriad of reasons. Mother Theresa or anyone else could be my mother, and it still wouldn't work well for me.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Lisa85

Co parents are generally biological parents to the child though. And if not that, a step parent. It would not work well for my mother and I to coparent for a myriad of reasons. Mother Theresa or anyone else could be my mother, and it still wouldn't work well for me.

This is all about you. You are projecting how you would feel as the birthmother based on your relationship with your mother onto your hypothetical dd and her child. There are cultures where the entire community parents the children of the community and those children are quite all right. I think the idea of that somehow being a bad or complicated or confusing thing for the child is cultural.

I do agree that the adoption is a legality and how far one takes it is only in their own minds. I would not adopt my child's child so that I could take over and control everything. I would encourage my child to be as involved as s/he was capable of and wanted to be at any given time. I would allow my child to have at least as much input into what happened with the child as I would, if that was what my child wanted. That's not any different, again, than partners in a marriage or committed relationship with children who co-parent. My dh does things with my children that I disagree with quite a bit and I do the same. We deal with it. I guess maybe the difference is that even though I may have legal custody of the child, in my mind I would still understand that the child is my grandchild.

This is all hypothetical and I think the specific circumstances depend a lot on the situation and relationship between the parents and pregnant teen. I just don't envision myself having the type of adversarial relationship with my teen that she would fight me on something like this or that we would end up never seeing each other again. That's a bit overly dramatic, I think. Anything is always possible, of course. I'm not so naive as to not understand that. However, regardless of Grandparents' legal rights or lack thereof, I would fight for custody of my grandchild if my child wanted to give him/her up for adoption. I don't see that as overstepping any boundaries. I would have a biological connection to that child and that child to me, albeit secondary to the parent and child. (Why do you suppose so many adopted children grow up and seek out their bio families?)

I don't know what else to say on this subject. I think I've explained myself as much as I can.

[1littlebit]

i guess i think it is unfortunate that you would disregard what your daughter thinks is best for her and her child. if she believes the best thing she can do for her and her child is give the child up for adoption to a couple looking to adopt fighting that your wishes override hers seems incredibly disrespectful. You don't trust her to make the right decision for her and her baby so you take her to court and fight her legally on it. i don't understand that. i don't understand not respecting your child and trusting her to make the right decision.

[MarineWife]

Then I guess we will have to just not understand each other. Different POVs.

[meowee]

I would tell her not to have an abortion... but, I would also tell her it was ultimately her choice and I would not look down on her no matter what.

I would also get her a very good family law attorney if she decided to keep the child, to protect her from the BF or his parents.

[Lisa85]

There are cultures where the entire community parents the children of the community and those children are quite all right. I think the idea of that somehow being a bad or complicated or confusing thing for the child is cultural.

I never said it was bad or confusing for a child, I'm sure it can be a great thing. I'm saying for me, I would not want to coparent with my mother (or anyone else who wasn't the child's father or my spouse.) Hard to say what I would feel if it were my daughter as my oldest is only 3. I'd help her as much as much as she was willing to help herself, but I don't see adopting the grandchild unless she was incarcerated or something. Even then, I'd probably just want custody and guardianship, not actually adopt unless that's what she wanted.

I guess maybe the difference is that even though I may have legal custody of the child, in my mind I would still understand that the child is my grandchild.

I don't understand what the point of adopting is then? You can do all of those things without even obtaining guardianship/custody, let alone adoption.

I just don't envision myself having the type of adversarial relationship with my teen that she would fight me on something like this or that we would end up never seeing each other again

I don't think anyone ever envisions it for their own children.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Lisa85

Even then, I'd probably just want custody and guardianship, not actually adopt unless that's what she wanted....I don't understand what the point of adopting is then? You can do all of those things without even obtaining guardianship/custody, let alone adoption.

Maybe I was using the wrong term. I said I would adopt because the issue of adoption was raised. If it were just a matter of me getting custody rather than adopting, I would do that.

Originally Posted by Lisa85

I don't think anyone ever envisions it for their own children.

Having a dd who got pregnant is hypothetical for me as I only have boys. However, I do seriously worry about my 17yo ds getting someone pregnant. He has at least 2 friends who have done that and they don't seem to have any legal rights to the child. The mothers kept their babies but don't allow the fathers to have much of anything to do with their children. I could be kept completely out of the loop if something like that happened. I may never even know. That is very disturbing to me.

[Lisa85]

The mothers kept their babies but don't allow the fathers to have much of anything to do with their children.

Those fathers should then really consider going to court for visitation, but yeah, I can definitely see with boys how it would be possible for their mothers to never know they conceived a child/ren.

I'm no lawyer, but as long as the fathers haven't been proven irresponsible/incapable of caring for the child, then I see no reason why they wouldn't get visitation at least one day/month. If there's a court order and mom still refuses to hand baby over, then the father can call the police and have them escort the baby to the father's car.

[1littlebit]

i think its horrible that a father may not get to see his child b/c the mother is a UAV. i have a friend in this situation. his g/f got pg...once she had the baby she couldn't make up her mind who the father was... as in she alternated between three guys... and refused to get a paternity test. this went on until cps took the baby from her (finally) when they broke up a party and she was on PCP and had the baby with her. finally they got a paternity test.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Lisa85

Those fathers should then really consider going to court for visitation

I agree but these are teens. They don't necessarily have the resources to take the mothers to court. They have to rely on their parents to help them navigate the system and come up with the money needed. Their parents aren't always very helpful.

[1littlebit]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

I agree but these are teens. They don't necessarily have the resources to take the mothers to court. They have to rely on their parents to help them navigate the system and come up with the money needed. Their parents aren't always very helpful.

this is so true.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

The mothers kept their babies but don't allow the fathers to have much of anything to do with their children. I could be kept completely out of the loop if something like that happened. I may never even know. That is very disturbing to me.

that is so sad. my grandson's dad moved to a town a couple of hours away and has not seen his son since July. I just cant imagine how he can go that long. while I don't think its good for him to live here with my dd - I also think my grandson needs to maintain a regular relationship with his dad.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

I have thought alot about this idea too, since my dd was 16 when she gave birth and was really not ready for all of this. We do co-parent, dd is in charge so it does not get confusing for dgs but she really needs A LOT of support. I would love, love, love to be his parent if she did not think she could do it but I do think it could be very damaging to her emotionally. For many reasons but for one to see me raising her child, and also .. to have "failed". I have tried to avoid anything like that by being as supportive as I possibly can and still maintain that she is in the drivers seat. (that is sooo not easy sometimes)

I went through this same type of situation when I had my oldest at 20. I was not ready to be a mother. My mother supported me tremendously unlike my father who basically told me I had made my bed and now had to lie in it. I had a lot of conflicts with my mother about how to raise my ds at that time. Now that I'm older, more mature, and have more children, I wish I had appreciated her more back then. Turned out she was right.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by samy23

What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?

Well my dd is 19 so past that age. My answer wouldn't change though. I'd tell her congratulations, tell her we love her, will supporter her and the baby and discuss if she has told the bio dad.

[mama2toomany]

I would support her, offer to help her in all things except abortion. If she felt strongly about having one, I wouldn't hate her for it, But i couldn't morally help her terminate a pregnancy, I live my life to help people have children, I would definitely help her with adoption if that is what she wanted. I know many many people that would love to adopt, including me.
I would also help her raise her baby.


I found out I was pregnant when I was 16, 4 months after I got married, So I was already living in an adult world so I was prepared to take care of my child. I don't regret it for one second. I had no support from family other then my husband at the time (he was 23). Now 12 years later, My mother has said to me that "i wish you would have waited, I could have supported you better if you had waited, don't you see what you missed?"

honestly I didn't miss anything. I still did everything I wanted to do. The only people that missed anything were the people that didn't support me in my decision. They missed seeing a little boy being born and loving him for the first few years of his life, the birth of his brother when I was 19 and seeing him through toddlerhood.

My children had enough love from me and my husband. If I could have hit the pause button and lived like a normal 16 year old did, i wouldn't have done it.