Managing a 4 yr old's expectations at bday and xmas

[Alison's Mom]

My DD turned 4 this week and I'm not sure what to do about her reaction to her bday gifts. As it stands, we have way too many toys in the house and to address this, I told relatives at last weekend's party not to bring gifts and have told friends at this cominig weekend's party the same. I have bought several items to give her that will be 'from everyone'.

She's really into princesses, especially Disney, but for several reasons, I'm pretty opposed. I'm OK with the odd book, etc, and she already has several items that were gifts, but don't like the fact that they are all non enviro-friendly, over packaged, cheap plastic, not well made, over priced, made in China, and overly sexualized. (see my other thread about hating the Disney Store)

So, I tried really hard to find alternatives to Disney while allowing her to indulge in her princess obssession. I bought princess dress up clothes, Ravensburger non licensed princess and unicorn puzzles, a Haba princess game, some craft items, two plan toys games, some instruments, a music box, plus a few other small things, as well as a Disney little mermaid book which I thought would sort of placate her.

She was given half of these last Sunday and seemed disappointed she didn't get more stuff. Then on her actual birthday, I gave her 3 more items, plus there was a Sound of Music DVD from my parents, but she was really disappointed in the gifts, especially the Ravensburger puzzle that was princess, but not Disney. She did like the Ariel book that I bought her, but she was in a bad mood all day because she's woken up early and refused to nap, so that was part of it, but she kept demanding to open presents all day (we'd agreed we'd do it after dinner) and refused to call people to say thank you for the gifts and cards she did receive and being really rude in general.

I tried to acknowledge and empathise - hmm, you're feeling disappointed that this puzzle wasn't the Disney one you hoped for. . . etc. I also said that if you're given a gift, even if you don't like it, you still need to thank the giver for it, and you can choose to not play with it.

I'm concerned we'll have a similar experience this weekend, and at Christmas. Yes, I could indulge her completely and buy everything from the Disney store against my better judgement, but I feel like that would just be giving into her high demands and spoiling her. Even at last Christmas, it was just a constant barrage of 'oh, what else is for me?', and everything we gave her was just not enough. What to do?

[Sydnee]

My girls are 7, 5 and 2.5, so they are all into the princess/barbie mode right now. I understand totally the frustrations of them wanting certain brands. Drives me nuts too! But in all honesty, I just have never been one to buy name brand things, and it's never really been an issue. Every year, we sit down and talk about how much we have, and how others are not so fortunate. I also make sure they know that they can ask for things, but that doesn't mean they'll get it. I guess I have no real advice for you, except I can sympathize!!

[Phoenix~Mama]

No advice but sympathy.


Now that I have heard others say this about 4 y/o's though... maybe in part it's age? I was sooo embarrassed this year at DSD's birthday party. We had a small one with just grandparents and Aunts. DSD had a small pile of presents, but given how many people were there I'd say it was very good. lol

She came in and got an attitude right away demanding to know where the rest of the presents were and why wasn't there many.

DH and I had a long talk with her about being appreciative for what is given because people do not have to give gifts, it is them being nice. And she should be thankful for that.

Christmas isn't going to be really big this year either because it isn't really in our budget, and we have the overabundance of toys issue at our house as well... expcet DSD really doens't care about playing with toys.. she'd rather watch TV. Which is what she does when she is with her Mom... but that's a whole different topic. lol


But like you too... I can't stand all the Dinsey princess stuff... I have seen too much of it... when she comes from her Mom's house, she has her backpack, her lunchbox, and her coat, her shoes... all plastered in Disney princess.

I'm trying to broaden horizons and got her some different things for Christmas. My Mom got her a Princess Barbie... and I figured that was plenty. We got her puzzles and generic ballerina princess dress up dolls.


So yeah... you are not alone in this. I'm hoping DSD will be okay at Christmas this year. We have had the being thankful talk with her twice already, because we brought her back a sweatshirt from our honeymoon instead of a toy and she was pretty upset about that too.

So good luck!!!

[4evermom]

I do think it is partly (or completely) the age. They remember things from previous years or other people's parties. They are able to anticipate and have expectations in a whole new way. It's a milestone!

I tried to get my ds a few things that he would really like. I knew he wouldn't want books or clothes as gifts so didn't give him any, even as an "extra" gift. I just gave him things like that w/o wrappings or fanfare. I kept any gifts out of sight until time to open them. The one time he saw a wrapped gift in advance was miserable. I decided retrospectively that it was just too much to see it and not be able to open it immediately. Since the point of the gift was not to make him miserable, I should have just let him open it at that point (dh failed to keep ds busy while I was wrapping. I was trying to be discrete).

Also, I think there is merit in honoring your dc's tastes when they have developed enough to ask for something specific like Disney princesses.

[Malva]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

Also, I think there is merit in honoring your dc's tastes when they have developed enough to ask for something specific like Disney princesses.

For Christmas, I don't know if you do Santa but in my house, Santa has the bad habit of bringing a gift I often don't approve of. Stuff I've said no to all year long sometimes turns up as a Santa gift. Then it's not "from us". So she gets the thing she really wants and I don't have to go against my values... too much.

[Nautical]

I can remember this happening with my younger brother growing up on a couple occasions. The way that my parents handled wanting "lots of presents" is that each child had a toy box and we only had toys (unless they were really big ones like a basketball hoop or bike, etc.) that would fit in the box. So, before the holidays we would go through our boxes and pick out what we wanted to donate. We knew that we would never get more toys than what would fit in the box, but that we might get books or clothing.

Also, an idea that I read recently in The Book of New Family Traditions is if you celebrate a religious Christmas to only get three gifts, because that's how many Jesus got from the three kings.

[Just1More]

We're focusing on the day as an event...not as an opportunity for stuff. So...our kids are learning to look forward to what we'll do and share TOGETHER. Not on "what's in it for me." A birthday is a special day that we remember to celebrate the day you were born and how happy we are that God gave us YOU. Let's go do x together and really enjoy this "holiday"...a day off from the usual. Christmas...we're focusing on family time. Sure, at both birthdays and Christmas there are a few presents for each kid, but those are just extras...something neat daddy made in the woodshop, etc, but what they really look forward to is what we're going to DO. Will daddy build a tepee in the backyard? Are we going on an adventure? Etc.

We also talk about how presents from other people are a way of telling her that they love her. So...it doesn't matter what it is...she should look at how they love her. We talk about this sort of thing ALL the time (ways of showing love) so it's not an issue when she's actually opening something. She's thrilled that gma brought her SOMETHING. What a treat! And she's really impressed with handmade things so she loves when it's a dress someone has sewn just for HER...she understands the value of that. I partially think that's due to our avoidance of package commercialism. We just don't do it, and we don't expose her to it in the stores or through commercials. What other kids have is just what they have, and we don't make a big deal of it. That would be a lot harder to do if there were other people (like a gma or bio mom or whoever) buying her those things and really pushing it, though.

[tooticky]

This is an issue at our house too. Ds is now 4 1/2, and last Christmas was the first time we really had a miserable time. Yes, he was sick, yes he was tired, but beyond that there was a new sort of "greediness" about him.

I admit to being a bit embarrassed by his behaviour, even though I know that it's not an indication that there is something wrong with him but rather that he has a lot to learn about manners, appreciation for other people's thoughtfullnes, considering other people's feeling, etc. I need to have some talks with him about these subjects before Christmas this year!

I remember my mother forcing me to open presents very slowly, saving wrapping paper, making the gift opening stretch throughout the day. I remember feeling so frustrated by this, and impatient. Because of these memories I allow ds to open his gifts as quickly as he wants. When they are all torn open he then will take more time to examine them.

I totally agree with you about Disney junk. I am already worrying that dd will be into stuff like this! I think I will be following the same path you are - I would not be able to bring myself to buy things covered in princesses either.

Not much real advice here but lots of commiseration. I'll be watching to see what others post!

[La Rune]

No advice here either but ...

My 4th birthday. I met with one set of grandparents who couldn't make it to the party, in the morning. They gave me a Wedding Barbie set (Ken and cake included!). I wasn't really polite about it, didn't thank them, etc. So on the way home, my mom prepared me for the party by having a long talk. She explained how I had to be polite and shouldn't say things like "Oh, I already have one of these" or "This isn't what I wanted" while opening gifts. Instead I should say "Thank you [name], what a nice [type of gift]".

So I'm opening presents repeating "Thank you [name], what a nice [type of gift]" like a robot after every single one. I get to my other grandparents' gift. I open it and say "Oh, THANK YOU Grandma and Grandpa. What a nice ANOTHER WEDDING BARBIE."

My mom was sooooo embarrassed.

[La Rune]

Originally Posted by Nautical

Also, an idea that I read recently in The Book of New Family Traditions is if you celebrate a religious Christmas to only get three gifts, because that's how many Jesus got from the three kings.

I've read (I can't remember where) the idea of getting four gifts. They're supposed to be

something they want
something they need
something to wear
something to read.

The idea of getting three gifts is a good one too, if you celebrate a religious Christmas. I really like that the concept would be easy to explain to little ones because if you've already told the Christmas story they already know about Jesus getting three gifts.

[mamaduck]

1) I think that building some rituals into birthdays and holidays can help a lot in directing the focus away from gifts. You can put energy into planning special meals and activities, and talk less about gifts.

2) I also think that at Christmas, it is important to involve your child in some sort of charitable effort, and talk about what Christmas is like for all different sorts of families and children in the world. Many families do not have what they need, let alone want, and yet they are still able to feel happy at Christmas by focusing on togetherness. There are countless books and movies along this theme that you could introduce in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Seek out some simple charities (collecting hats and gloves for children, angel tree gifts, etc.) that she can be involved in. She can choose a ten dollar gift for a child in poverty, wrap it, carry it to a donation center and feel very positive about her contribution. At the same time, it will help to put her own wants and wishes in perspective.

[Learning_Mum]

I haven't read the responses, but here is my two cents:

I would get her the Disney stuff. If I wanted a ring, and my DH told me he was morally opposed to rings and got me a necklace instead I wouldn't be happy about it. I know it's not exactly the same thing, but what it boils down to is that it's a present for *me*, not him, and most people try to get presents for people that they like (not saying that your DD doesn't like the other princess stuff, but she in obviously enamoured with Disney stuff at the moment)

[milkybean]

Type of stuff aside, I think it's a 4 thing.

My guy hasn't been happy with the things he's gotten all year. Or rather, he's happy with it, then looks to the next thing. It's about driven me over the edge, especially when I felt it was a really special thing we got him, something he REALLY wanted, then while holding whatever it is he'll ask for something else.

He didn't do it at 3, but this year of being (almost halfway over) has been tough like that.

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

I haven't read the responses, but here is my two cents:

I would get her the Disney stuff. If I wanted a ring, and my DH told me he was morally opposed to rings and got me a necklace instead I wouldn't be happy about it. I know it's not exactly the same thing, but what it boils down to is that it's a present for *me*, not him, and most people try to get presents for people that they like (not saying that your DD doesn't like the other princess stuff, but she in obviously enamoured with Disney stuff at the moment)

I agree with this.
That said, we follow the saying a pp mentioned "Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read."
The thing they want is usually the Santa gift. This year DS is getting a miniature skateboard park thingy, some preschool homeschooling supplies (flashcards, crayons etc) an outfit and a few books.
DD is getting those wooden colored building blocks (the ones with the arches and different shapes), some of her own sippy cups and little utensils, an outfit and some baby books.

[tooticky]

I've been thinking a bit more about this ( I guess it's on my mind these days as I prepare for Christmas!)

Two things come to mind:

1. I guess I LIKE giving presents, so in a way I'm perpetuating his focus on receiving them. I am excited with planning the things that the kids will be surprised with. Sometimes I think that giving the same number of things, but spreading them out over the course of the year is a better idea but other times I just enjoy the fact that Christmas and birthdays are a bit of a glut. I'm starting to realize that this can be stressful for kids.... More to think about!!

2. I agree with Learning_Mum to a certain extent. If there is something that the child really wants that you can stomach getting for them then go for it. Search for common ground!

I have also found that some of the things that I have been so excited about making for (or buying for) ds have taken longer to be appreciated, but in the end we have really enjoyed them. Two Christmasses ago I spent many loving hours making him a felted stick-horse which he literally DID NOT NOTICE on Christmas morning. He just could not see it, even when it was brought to him. He was obsesssed with trucks that year and nothing else would do. Now he delights in stick horses. It is hard to be offended by such total honesty...

[Nolamom]

They remember things from previous years or other people's parties.


I agree with this. If she's been to kid's parties where everyone brings a gift, she probably was surprised to see only a few at hers! I'd certainly be sure to tell her you asked people not to bring gifts.

I also agree with the pps who advise getting her a disney toy. Personally, I don't care for the disney junk either. But I have concluded that this is probably the first of many times that dd and I will have differing tastes and have bought her a few princess items.

This is an issue around here, too, and I'll be interested to read the responses. I figure if we keep discussing and modeling being giving, grateful, thankful, etc. eventually it will sink in!

[Britishmum]

My almost 4 yo will be just the same I'm sure. Today he threw a fit over his Christmas wish list not being as long as one of his sister's, (maybe because he can't write yet lol). That was before he even gets a gift, he's throwing fits just in case he doesnt get enough of them.

It's an age thing. Both my older ones were the same at that age, but both grew out of it. They both spent ages today explaining to him that he could make a list for Santa and his b'day, but it didn't mean he'd get it all. He'd get a few items from it, and a few others probably, but that was plenty.

He didn't get it. He wants EVERYTHING in every catalogue that we get in the mail. He's obsessed.

They grow out of it. I'd just go with it, and honestly, I'd get a few of the items your dd desparately wants. I don't think you are setting them up for greed, I think it is just developmental and they improve, in time.

HTH

[MOMYS]

We are not big gift givers.... my dh and I have always felt that we did not want the focus of the day, but doing special as a family or with friends. It is my son's 3rd birthday tomorrow and he got a 4 gifts from us (a train and railway set - trains are his passion -; an elaborate play doh set; a hand puppet and a book). None of them are really expensive, but they have all been chosen with the utmost care and taking his personality in mind.

We DO NOT buy brand names or types of toys we do not agree with. I wouldn't buy Disney toys if we as parents have decided that they are not good for our children. We do discuss why our family do things in a certain way and so far it has worked really well.

We are very blessed with children who are not greedy and who are willing to share (most of the time).

[Tigerchild]

This may sound odd, but...

I think you may need to adjust your own attitude/expectations.

I say this gently, and not from the perspective of a permissive parent (because I'm not).

I too used to feel horrifically embarassed and worried about what I perceived as greediness. When I sat down and really thought about it though, I realized that:

A) my kids are incredibly giving and really good at sharing
B) are polite of their own free will the vast majority of time
C) spontaneously give gifts/draw pictures/write notes for friends and family

So what made their behavior on this one day so out of character?

A) stimulation
B) different schedule (I mean, it was roughly the same but it was a 'special day' and they knew it.
C) I was stressed out because of party planning, even though I enjoy it, I'm an introvert so it's a lot of diverted energy for me.
D) Due to experiences in my past, I was really really really overly concerned about what people would think of me as a parent/person or what they might label my child as.

I realized that my own internal workings were roughly half of the problem.

So here's what I did.

Instead of making myself sick with worry that I was raising the next Veruca (of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fame), I decided to manage my expectations, and scale back in general.

We invited less people to the birthday parties. This took care of problems A and C. For christmas we instituted a 1 gift to each child and a group gift. This took care of A-D, even though it was stressful in the beginning because of my parents screaming. I put some chill out time (and a chill out room space) into the kids birthday parties. We take time to play with/admire each round of Christmas gifts, take pictures, and have a special treat and clear away the wrapping paper/bags before moving on to the next round. If there is complaining, I pretty much ignore it. And I try really hard to relax about what other parents are thinking, because chances are even in the worst case scenario most are thinking "Thank god it's not me this time" and for those who are instead really being judgemental they'll get their karmic retribution sometime or another.

[Alison's Mom]

Thanks for all the replies, mamas. I need to go frost DD's cake for tomorrow's party now, but I'll reply tomorrow when I have more time. Thanks again, everyone.