Managing a 4 yr old's expectations at bday and xmas - Page 2

[Nautical]

Something else that my family always did was in an effort to put the focus more on the giving. From the age of three on, I got to help in picking out gifts for my aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Then I was excited to watch them open their gifts, especially if they were getting something I made. Growing up I can remember the gifts that I got just being the icing on the cake to how excited I was about seeing the rest of the family open their presents.

[mommyto3girls]

We are a newly blended family and our children will now be having double birthdays and double Christmas. What we have decided for Christmas is no Santa here (we agreed to let the kids to Christmas morning with the ex's each year so they could have the same traditions each year) From us we are getting 3 playroom toys (playroom toys do not belong to any individual girl, they must be shared) they are getting a wooden castle playset, a wooden fairy playset, and corrugated plastic sheets with velcro tabs that can be used to make forts and things. Then each girl will get one individual present from us.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Can you cut out the ways she learns about Disney? Only watch PBS cartoons, stay out of the mall, etc? How does she know the about the Disney puzzle as opposed to the one that she got?

[Hoopin' Mama]

Oh, I just read your other thread. Happened to pass by that store and it really stuck in her memory? Is she old enough to start conversations about why we buy things where we do?

I love the idea of getting a pair of Keds and making them all sparkly!

[Alison's Mom]

Thanks so much for the replies. It's good to know that it's somewhat an *age* thing and hopefully things will get better. It's also good to know that I'm not the only one. . . .

FWIW, today's party went a lot better. I had several (non Disney) princess gifts for her and she loved most of them. She didn't even ask 'where are the rest of my gifts' when she was finished opening them, so it was a big sigh of relief from me!

Originally Posted by Malva

For Christmas, I don't know if you do Santa but in my house, Santa has the bad habit of bringing a gift I often don't approve of. Stuff I've said no to all year long sometimes turns up as a Santa gift. Then it's not "from us". So she gets the thing she really wants and I don't have to go against my values... too much.

Great idea - I love it.

Originally Posted by Nautical

The way that my parents handled wanting "lots of presents" is that each child had a toy box and we only had toys (unless they were really big ones like a basketball hoop or bike, etc.) that would fit in the box. So, before the holidays we would go through our boxes and pick out what we wanted to donate.

I like this idea too.

Originally Posted by Just1More

We're focusing on the day as an event...not as an opportunity for stuff. So...our kids are learning to look forward to what we'll do and share TOGETHER. Not on "what's in it for me." . . . We just don't do it, and we don't expose her to it in the stores or through commercials.

Thanks for the insights.

Originally Posted by La Rune

I've read (I can't remember where) the idea of getting four gifts. They're supposed to be

something they want
something they need
something to wear
something to read.

I like this idea - good guidelines for us parents.

Originally Posted by mamaduck

2) I also think that at Christmas, it is important to involve your child in some sort of charitable effort, and talk about what Christmas is like for all different sorts of families and children in the world. Many families do not have what they need, let alone want, and yet they are still able to feel happy at Christmas by focusing on togetherness.

I think charity is important too, and we asked people to make a charitable donation instead of giving her a gift. We didn't tell her or involved her in this, though, and maybe we should in future if we do this again. I got the idea from www.echoage.com.

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

This may sound odd, but...

I think you may need to adjust your own attitude/expectations.

I say this gently, and not from the perspective of a permissive parent (because I'm not).

I too used to feel horrifically embarassed and worried about what I perceived as greediness. When I sat down and really thought about it though, I realized that:

A) my kids are incredibly giving and really good at sharing
B) are polite of their own free will the vast majority of time
C) spontaneously give gifts/draw pictures/write notes for friends and family

So what made their behavior on this one day so out of character?

A) stimulation
B) different schedule (I mean, it was roughly the same but it was a 'special day' and they knew it.
C) I was stressed out because of party planning, even though I enjoy it, I'm an introvert so it's a lot of diverted energy for me.
D) Due to experiences in my past, I was really really really overly concerned about what people would think of me as a parent/person or what they might label my child as.

I realized that my own internal workings were roughly half of the problem.

So here's what I did.

Instead of making myself sick with worry that I was raising the next Veruca (of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fame), I decided to manage my expectations, and scale back in general.

We invited less people to the birthday parties. This took care of problems A and C. For christmas we instituted a 1 gift to each child and a group gift. This took care of A-D, even though it was stressful in the beginning because of my parents screaming. I put some chill out time (and a chill out room space) into the kids birthday parties. We take time to play with/admire each round of Christmas gifts, take pictures, and have a special treat and clear away the wrapping paper/bags before moving on to the next round. If there is complaining, I pretty much ignore it. And I try really hard to relax about what other parents are thinking, because chances are even in the worst case scenario most are thinking "Thank god it's not me this time" and for those who are instead really being judgemental they'll get their karmic retribution sometime or another.

Thanks for the thoughts and insights. I agree on limiting over-stimulation for the child would help. I don't think I was too worried about what other parents were thinking - it was more what *I* was thinking about my child's behaviour. . .

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama

Can you cut out the ways she learns about Disney? Only watch PBS cartoons, stay out of the mall, etc? How does she know the about the Disney puzzle as opposed to the one that she got?

Oh yes, I would love to. She doesn't see commercials because she watches limited TV on a channel that doesn't have commercials. She gets most of it from MIL, who bought her several Disney princess items - DVDs, dolls, books, etc. That's a whole other issue. MIL isn't well, and I've decided not to make it a big issue, and just let her have the items that MIL gives her.

[littleaugustbaby]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

I haven't read the responses, but here is my two cents:

I would get her the Disney stuff. If I wanted a ring, and my DH told me he was morally opposed to rings and got me a necklace instead I wouldn't be happy about it. I know it's not exactly the same thing, but what it boils down to is that it's a present for *me*, not him, and most people try to get presents for people that they like (not saying that your DD doesn't like the other princess stuff, but she in obviously enamoured with Disney stuff at the moment)

ITA. At the very least, find something else that she's really interested in and get that for her, rather than giving her what you want her to have.

[BellaClaudia]

I am a bit the same like some of the posters.
I like giving and I like to see my child getting what expected
and being happy. She is 3.
I think that she is bit spoiled by the amount of gifts
but then again, life is short and it is not going to last like
this.. so I guess I am bit easy on it.

I will be adjusting the amount and kind of gifts as she
grows but I frankly think that it is unfair to do it
overnight.. or on short notice.. without warning and

after all it is not child's fault that some of us get them used to
certain situation so it sounds only fair to do it gradually
rather then obrupt. it is jus about relating to their feeings.

nobody asked me to buy her so much so often so now
taking it away and saying that it is not good it is not fair to her.

we will be gradually working in the higher moral values and
issues as she is more capable of grasping on both mental
and emotional levels as it seems right thing to do from my perspective.

puting all burdain on her seem just too much.
it was my idea to get herused to things the way they are
so it is my idea gently fish her out of indulgance water..

but then again.. first kid.. maybe only kid..
who would blame me :-)

this is just my opinion

[flapjack]

You're talking about expectations, but you're also talking about how she has "too many" toys already, and she's having two birthday parties- so there's a lot of celebration of her life in there, a lot of joy, a lot of people who love her and are going to delight in buying her plastic tat to make her happy. It seems to me that you've got a contradiction in there, and if you do in fact want to commit to living a simpler life, then this is going to be a natural starting point.
I personally would give her a copy of Roald Dahl's revolting rhymes as the level 1 antidote to the Disney crap, think about putting together a shoebox for a kid in a developing country, and think long and hard about what you want your life as a family to be like. All of it- there's some tough decisions to make, because it feels a lot like you're reacting to your MIL, reacting to all of these expectations of what you're like, your daughter is like, how her birthday should be, how her Christmas should be. It sounds like you could spend an awful lot of time picking your battles