S/O from pregnant teen thread: You're the parent of the male in the equation, WWYD?

[triscuitsmom]

OK spin off from this thread "When your dd is say 16-17, she got pregnant, boyfriend left her, what would you do?"

Lets say it's your son that left her and for the sake of this discussion wants nothing to do with the baby, the mother, or paying support etc. (Even if that's not the situation the OP invisioned, it got me thinking and I am wondering here...)

What would you, as his Mother do? Does it make a difference to your answer whether he is a minor or an adult?

I hadn't really considered this side of the coin. I had considered my daughters getting pregnant, I had considered my son becoming a father (whether he stayed with her or not, actually wanting to be a father)... but what about if you knew he was the biological father of a baby he wanted to not acknowledge in any way at all.

Trying to work out my own thoughts on this, thought I'd see if anyone else had any...

[CheapPearls]

I have thought about this too (having 3 boys it's hard to) but I never thought that they wouldn't want to be apart of the child's life. I would hope I raise them all with better values then that but anything is possible I guess.

At minimum, whether he was a minor or adult, I would push him to pay child support on his own. If not, I would help the girl take him to court. I would also be apart of the child's life no matter what my son wants. He may not want to be a father but I would want to be a grandma! I would strongly encourage him to be an active father figure but in the end, I can't force him to be.

That is hard to think about.

[plunky]

I'd like to think this wouldn't be a problem for me, honestly. My kid will be getting frank sex ed at home, encouraging boys to wear condoms and girls to be on the pill once they're sexually active.

[triscuitsmom]

Originally Posted by plunky

I'd like to think this wouldn't be a problem for me, honestly. My kid will be getting frank sex ed at home, encouraging boys to wear condoms and girls to be on the pill once they're sexually active.

So will mine (well except I'd never encourage my girls to go on the pill unless it was something she'd researched on her own and felt very strongly about).

That doesn't change the reality. Not all absentee fathers have parents who didn't give them sex ed, or parents who weren't good parents. Absentee fathers can (and sometimes do!) have loving, involved parents who educate them in their family morals and sexual health education and they still will some of them become an absentee father. No matter what birth control or health teaching you do or don't give babies are going to sometimes still be conceived, and sometimes the people who conceive them are going to surprise you with their reaction regardless of what they've been taught.

That's why I'm trying to sort out my thoughts on what I would do, because I realize the best laid plans... especially when it's another person since you can only control yourself... and I just wondered what others would do.

[Kappa]

First, I would have the pregnant young lady and her parents know that they should pursue having a paternity test done, and that I would pay for it. There should never be any question about who is the father. I think everyone has the right, especially the father and the child, of knowing for sure.

In the meantime, I would be there for the young woman as a grandmother, and help out with whatever I could. I would SHOW my son by example what it means to be responsible, and what it means to have a child you are responsible for, and that family cannot be abandoned. And I would never abandon the grandchild, even if it strained my relationship with my son.

[laralee16]

Not a mom of a teen yet but...

This would NOT fly in my house. You put it in your responsible for what comes out, lol. At the very least he (or we if he did not have a job yet) would be helping the mama with medical care costs as well as day to day money. I would hope he would come around to the idea of being a father and would want to be in his childs life, but that would be up to him.

[Marsupialmom]

First I tell him to get a DNA test. I know not popular around here to say that but it has been reality just because gfriend says he is daddy doesn't mean so.

There are many factors at play ---

One does involve what the mother wants. If she wants our involvement I would give it. I would offer help.

But at the same time I would try to be respectful to my child. I wouldn't go butting my head to far if my dd would choose to give a child up for adoption or aborted. I would be supportive in these situations, help them think it out. This doesn't mean I like their decission.

I would help either gender child think of legal ramifications of the situation and legal responciblities.

Many times though the dad (son) can't do things unless mom acts first or request a paternity test. In most states if dad isn't on the birth certificate he can't request this and he has no legal rights to that child. Also in many states if the money given to as child support isn't "documented" through state hands it is considered "gifts" and unpaid. I would want to protect my child and grandchild in those situation.

[Tigerchild]

First, I'd ask (and help pay for, if it was expensive) him to get a paternity test done.

After that, if indeed he was trying to walk away from his responsibility, all of his college/trade school/startup money would be going towards a trust for the baby or to pay the legal bills for the mom if she decided (not unreasonably) to persue his rights relinquishment (though honestly, I'd probably still give the $$ to her for the baby, though it would depend on if I thought the baby would get that $$). I can't say if he'd be welcome in my home either, at least for awhile. I really take a dim view of child abandonment. If he won't step up for even basic parental responsibilities then I don't see the need why I should give him nice bonuses on mine.

Now, if he were to decide to enter into child support payments and involvement in the baby's life, I would help him. But if he were totally walk away? No sir. If he's that irresponsible in this, why should I expect that sinking money into a college degree, trade school, or start up money for a business venture would be a good investment either?

[mama_ani]

Originally Posted by CheapPearls

At minimum, whether he was a minor or adult, I would push him to pay child support on his own. If not, I would help the girl take him to court. I would also be apart of the child's life no matter what my son wants. He may not want to be a father but I would want to be a grandma! I would strongly encourage him to be an active father figure but in the end, I can't force him to be.

That is hard to think about.

:

[nextcommercial]

I think the only thing you can do is be there for the baby as a grandparent. Your son doesn't have to be a dad for you to be a Grandparent.

It's an extremely touchy situation for all involved.

My brother (who I love and respect very much) got a teenage girl pregnant, and he chose not to be a part of his son's life. But, I wanted to be in his life. Nobody gave me much trouble until my brother got married. Then for the sake of my new sister in law, I bowed out of being an aunt.

It was sad too.

My brother paid child support from day one, but he never spent time with the boy.

When he was six, the school called and said "There is evidence of abuse, and you need to come help us deal with it." He did, but because he'd never been in this kid's life, my brother couldn't do anything. The judge said "Keep paying" and they left him with his mother.


He really needed my brother to step up, or at least US to be in his life so we could see that he needed help.

We all failed him, and I can't ever forgive myself or my family for making those selfish choices. I know how much it hurt my sister in law, but in the end, being out of his life, ended up costing him more than it was worth.

[Girlprof]

THis happened to a good friend of my mom's. Her son is an alcoholic. His girlfriend (they met in re-hab) got pregnant. The son has been in and out of programs and jail. I don't think his mom has any contact with him.

But, my mom convinced her to have a baby shower for the young woman. That was very hard, but very right. My mom's friend became a grandmother for the first time and did all the grandmother things with the baby. The baby's mom got straight, and I think eventually re-married. My mom's friend has really lost her son, which is so very sad. But she has a granddaughter who brings her great joy.

[ABmom]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I think the only thing you can do is be there for the baby as a grandparent. Your son doesn't have to be a dad for you to be a Grandparent.

It's an extremely touchy situation for all involved.

My brother (who I love and respect very much) got a teenage girl pregnant, and he chose not to be a part of his son's life. But, I wanted to be in his life. Nobody gave me much trouble until my brother got married. Then for the sake of my new sister in law, I bowed out of being an aunt.

It was sad too.

My brother paid child support from day one, but he never spent time with the boy.

When he was six, the school called and said "There is evidence of abuse, and you need to come help us deal with it." He did, but because he'd never been in this kid's life, my brother couldn't do anything. The judge said "Keep paying" and they left him with his mother.

By the time he was ten, he had been sold to men for drugs, he had been tied in the backyard with a dog leash to the back of a pickup truck and beaten. (neighbors called police)

He really needed my brother to step up, or at least US to be in his life so we could see that he needed help.

We all failed him, and I can't ever forgive myself or my family for making those selfish choices. I know how much it hurt my sister in law, but in the end, being out of his life, ended up costing him more than it was worth.

Dh and I talked about this and to be honest, we really haven't agree on what to do. There are so many factors and circumstances that it is hard to just say that if ABC happens, then we will do XYZ. We do agree that we support both parties involved and try to be part of the baby's life.

Just being a devil's advocate here, what if the young girl got pregnant on purpose to trap your son? That is, she told him she's taking birth control and refused a condom? What if this is her way of getting him to marry her for money, status, whatever. WWYD?

PS. My brother's best friend got trapped.

[LavenderMae]

Originally Posted by Kappa

First, I would have the pregnant young lady and her parents know that they should pursue having a paternity test done, and that I would pay for it. There should never be any question about who is the father. I think everyone has the right, especially the father and the child, of knowing for sure.

In the meantime, I would be there for the young woman as a grandmother, and help out with whatever I could. I would SHOW my son by example what it means to be responsible, and what it means to have a child you are responsible for, and that family cannot be abandoned. And I would never abandon the grandchild, even if it strained my relationship with my son.

:

[triscuitsmom]

Originally Posted by ABmom

Dh and I talked about this and to be honest, we really haven't agree on what to do. There are so many factors and circumstances that it is hard to just say that if ABC happens, then we will do XYZ. We do agree that we support both parties involved and try to be part of the baby's life.

Just being a devil's advocate here, what if the young girl got pregnant on purpose to trap your son? That is, she told him she's taking birth control and refused a condom? What if this is her way of getting him to marry her for money, status, whatever. WWYD?

PS. My brother's best friend got trapped.

If you really don't want a baby, you need to take responsibility for yourself. You cannot control another person ever. If you do not want a baby, do not have sex, or take precautions yourself to make sure it doesn't happen.

Babies happen with birth control. But if you just leave it in someone elses hands you havn't properly protected yourself at all.

ETA: I am not saying at all that it's wrong for committed partners to choose one person to do birth control (for example having the woman on the pill). When I was on it it was for a while our only birth control. He fully trusted me to take it, I'm not saying that was misplaced or wrong. But the reality is that he could not control whether I did or not, I could've lied... and if not having a baby was his be all end all goal, he needed to cover himself to get the highest chance of obtaining that.

[choli]

Originally Posted by ABmom

Dh and I talked about this and to be honest, we really haven't agree on what to do. There are so many factors and circumstances that it is hard to just say that if ABC happens, then we will do XYZ. We do agree that we support both parties involved and try to be part of the baby's life.

Just being a devil's advocate here, what if the young girl got pregnant on purpose to trap your son? That is, she told him she's taking birth control and refused a condom? What if this is her way of getting him to marry her for money, status, whatever. WWYD?

PS. My brother's best friend got trapped.

I don't have a son, but if I did I'd teach him what I teach my daughters - never allow yourself to be pressured into unprotected sex. For a male, that means never without a condom, as you can't really be sure otherwise.

[Ann-Marita]

I would ask my son if he is the father. If he feels reasonably certain that he is, I don't see any reason to force the issue of a paternity test. If there is a question of paternity, or other legal reasons to have it, then I would ask for a test. (But I would prefer that it be done in as non-invasive a manner as possible.)

OK, the rest of this is assuming he is the father. And that his is of a similar age - 16 to 17.

I would tell my son that the young woman's body is the one involved, not his, and so she gets the final say in deciding whether she aborts or continues the pregnancy. And he needs to figure out what his opinion is, if he has one, just so he's real clear with his own emotions. He can express his opinion to her, but he may not hound her about it. I would express my opinion to the young woman ONLY if asked.

I'd emphasize that he can NOT just walk away from this - he has legal obligations to uphold if she wants to press for that. AND he has a moral obligation, too. Since he is a teen, and not yet an adult, I would step in and do the right thing if my son were not yet able (maturity-wise or fincancially) to do so.

We/I would offer the girlfriend support in whatever she decides. I'd offer to help with immediate costs, and rides to appointments with medical professionals and/or counselors.

If she decided to carry the baby to term and keep it, I would try to establish a good relationship with the young mother, independent of my son's relationship with her.

If she wanted my son to sign away his parental rights and obligations, and he wants that, it would be up to him I suppose. I may have to think on this some more.

If, instead, she wanted child support, son and I would need to talk to an attorney to set up a support arrangement. I'd help with this until my son finished his education (probably while working part-time), then he would be fully responsible for this financial obligation.

I would hope for visitation for myself, but I don't think I would insist. (I've been the recipient of a threat regarding Grandparent's Rights, and I wouldn't want to do that to someone else.) If needed, I would certainly offer child care, and delight in it! I would not push my son to have visitation, since he clearly wants no part of the situation. You can't force someone to be emotionally involved in a child's life.

If the young woman decided to carry the baby to term and offer it for adoption, I would want to talk with an attorney myself (independent of my son) and consider adopting the baby. That would take long and careful thought and discussion with my dh.

Finally, at some point I would have a very serious conversation with my son about condoms and other methods of contraception.

[Just1More]

Hmmm. I've never really thought about it from this angle either. We'll teach abstinance...but that only works if it works, ya know?

So, say it happens. Well, I think paternity testing is a good idea. Just to know, for sure. But I disagree about making him "take responsibility" for the baby. For a few reasons:

1.) There are 2 people in this...if she wanted to give the baby up for adoption, she could. Why can't he? (as in, if she chooses to keep the baby, why can't he give it to her?) I don't understand why he's so bound by moral obligations if she isn't.

2.) I don't think split families are in the best interest of the child. Bouncing around from here to there, weekends one place, somewhere else another. I think there are thicker bonds than blood, and a single constant home is probably better for the child, if possible. If they want the baby TOGETHER, then great! If she wants it, fine. If he does, fine. But let's not yo-yo yet another child.

I'm not going to encourage him to walk out on the baby. But...I hope my son had serious intentions with this girl before he ever found himself on the way to be a daddy. I'd like to think he'd just go ahead and marry her. I think that's really the only "right" way to settle it...not support agreements and custody arrangements.

I know that it may not all come down so nicely, but...oh, I dunno.

I guess what I'd really do is pray a lot, and ask God to show us the way. I'm sure the best thing isn't the same in every situation.

?????

[rabbitmum]

I would encourage him to take part in his baby's life, but as other posters have said it's not possible to force him if he doesn't want to. But, if the girl wanted to keep the baby, I would want to be its grandmother nevertheless!

I would not push for a DNA test unless there were obvious reasons to believe that my son wasn't actually the baby's father. I think discrediting the girl in this way could be a very bad start to my relationship with her as my grandchild's mother.

In Norway it's not really possible to opt out of paying child support (unless the girl refuses to divulge his name) so he would have to pay a certain amount without the girl having to take legal action. And there's no payments for prenatal care or births. But I would of course let her know that I would want to support her in any way that she may need, practically and economically.

Originally Posted by ABmom

:Just being a devil's advocate here, what if the young girl got pregnant on purpose to trap your son? That is, she told him she's taking birth control and refused a condom? What if this is her way of getting him to marry her for money, status, whatever. WWYD?

PS. My brother's best friend got trapped.

Well, but even if they had been using birth control it's always possible that the girl gets pregnant. So as soon as he is having sex there is a possibility that he will become a father and morally and legally responsible for a child. Therefore it doesn't change anything, really, in my opinion.

[Tigerchild]

I plan on telling my sons that I really don't care what the girl says. If you don't want the risk of having a baby, then either don't have sex OR always use a condom. Maybe the'll have a male pill in a while and they could have that option.

But there's no "trapping" a guy, if he decides of his own free will to go condomless. Sorry.

I plan on being very blunt and real with my sons. From everything of how to help a girl friend if she has been raped, to how to try to be as careful as one can be about false accusations, to his options about birth control (I believe he is JUST as responsible as she is), our expectations if there is a pregnancy involved, ect. I would not be very sympathetic towards my son if he were to whine about being trapped if he decided not to use birth control, that's putting it off on the other person when it's really your responsibility too.

And the reason why I would advocate for a paternity test is first and foremost to protect the child. Unless the teens were married at the time that baby has NO protection were my son to walk away, unless there's an admissable paternity test. It's for the protection of the baby and the girl as well as she'll be stuck without any legal recourse without establishment of paternity, and I would hope that she'd be able to hear that.

And assuming that my son had a relationship with the girl (either friendship or more) and I probably know her and have had her in my home, ect...what makes you think that I wouldn't try to help her regardless? True, I wouldn't take $$ away from my son's college fund to do it, but frankly my arms would be wide open to any young woman facing an unexpected pregnancy--especially if she expects recriminations from her family. I would do whatever I could for a teen in my life facing that situation, whether or not my son was the father.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by ABmom

:

PS. My brother's best friend got trapped.

It's not really trapped. Although, I understand what you mean by that.

I wouldn't want my son or brother to feel like they have a responsibility to the mother of the child beyond making sure she is healthy and O.K. His only responsibility is to his child. Not just for 18 years either. For the next forty years at least.

Then there are grandkids, and the whole "I resent you for leaving mom" thing. That's always fun. "His other kids". It's a neverending cycle of issues.

We should all just keep our pants on.