S/O from pregnant teen thread: You're the parent of the male in the equation, WWYD? - Page 3

[1littlebit]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

I would be embarrassed and livid that my son didn't want to know and raise his own child.

And I would offer my grandchild's mother a ton of support and hope that she would be willing to include me in the baby's life. I would be willing to help her with expenses, babysit, pretty much whatever she needed -- even give her a place to live if she didn't have one or didn't have a good one. I would also support her in going after him for child support.

This 100%. DP got me pg and he is still here with me and DS. and regardless of our relationship he will always be a part of DSs life. I hope DS would follow his own fathers example. oh btw the idea that a girl can trap someone into pg by refusing to use condoms of bc is down right outrageous. way to blame the woman when it takes two to tango. if she is refusing both of those a my son cant put two and two together and realize she's trying to get pg then i did something wrong as a mother. even lying about the pill is a big one for me b/c my son will know that it is his responsibility to protect himself and the woman he is having sex with .. which means a condom whether she says she is on the pill or not. His condoms that he bought. just incase shes really persistent and poking holes in things or something.

[becoming]

I'd like to say that none of my boys will feel that way about their own children, but I just don't know. A child grows to be his/her own person and sometimes makes decisions that have nothing to do with us or the things we taught them.

I would never ever kick my child out of my house for any reason, but I would definitely let my son know that he had disappointed me. I would try to be involved in the child's life as much as I could without being pushy, and we would definitely pay for whatever was needed.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by CheapPearls

I have thought about this too (having 3 boys it's hard to) but I never thought that they wouldn't want to be apart of the child's life. I would hope I raise them all with better values then that but anything is possible I guess.

At minimum, whether he was a minor or adult, I would push him to pay child support on his own. If not, I would help the girl take him to court. I would also be apart of the child's life no matter what my son wants. He may not want to be a father but I would want to be a grandma! I would strongly encourage him to be an active father figure but in the end, I can't force him to be.

That is hard to think about.

It's almost like you typed what I was thinking.

[Mylie]

Hmmmm...I have read thru this whole thread and I see alot of opinions...

Assumptions..But believe me until it happens to you frankly you don't really know what you would do...This is literally what happened to my son...

Both him and gf were 16 and 17...My son was educated about safe sex..Frankly you can't stop them if they are going to do it..You can talk to them till you are blue in the face..I told him everything right down to things about safe sex,responsibility,child support..You name it I said it..I even kept condoms in the cabinet of our bathroom..Yet when he was barely 17 years old and she was barely 16 guess what? Mom (J) is pregnant..

Now this girl had alot of problems...My son had alot of problems..They got pregnant on purpose..YES...On purpose..Him out of his (love) for her..And her out of her childish desire to find the family and keep the family she never had..To be together together as a family and forever..THey said that if it happened it was a sign from God that it was mean't to be..

Well as I said before they both had problems..Her emotional(bipolar,depression,she cuts herself,she runs off,anorexia ect...)..Him(FAS,Bipolar,depression,cuts himself,runs off,ect...)To say that I was seriously concerned was an understatement..Her mama didn't want her and said when the baby came she couldn't live there anymore.She has lost her kids to fostercase numerous times.They wanted her to move in with me..I couldn't do it..At that time I was having a heck of a time with my son and I couldn't deal with another messed up teenager in the house..

But I did tell my son that he would have to support the baby..And in his limited capasity of thinking he kept saying he would..But I knew better..How could he take care of a baby when he can't even do much for himself..Or her for that matter..Fast forward thru alot of problems that I just don't even want to get into to just before the baby is due..The teen is planning on moving into her aunts cockroach infested trailor with holes in the floors and walls..So for the baby's sake I finally tell my son that she can move in when the baby is born.Baby is born..I buy everything cause these kids can't.I made sure the baby has his last name and his name was on the certificate..There was never any question as to the paternity..

Make a long story short..I now have custody of the baby..She is 14 months old..My son and his girlfriend are living seperatly from us for her sake..CPS got involved because of their neglect while I was at work.They have supervised visits with her at my home and my discretion.They thought having a baby would make them this happy little family and found the reality far from that..Their happiness lasted about 2 weeks after L was born...All that attention was wonderful to them..But then everyone went home and the attention died out and the baby kept screaming in the night and all day while I was at work.She was work..They weren't exspecting that and it got old really quick..

So this is actually my reallity..I am 37 years old and a grandma to the sweetest little 14 month old little girl you have ever seen..I am in severe debt from lawyers and daycare and family insurance..But I wouldn't change it a bit..

But do those teenagers get it? Nope...They are living in their own apartment in Hud housing and come around about once/twice a month to visit(when the check comes in)and play mama and daddy for a couple minutes and they think that is parenting..Kids can't see beyond their own wants and needs and we can't stop them from having sex just because we asked them to be responsible..I am not saying all teens are irresponsible this way but this is my exsperience...And taking into the fact that my son and his girlfriend are both special needs...

But don't think that it won't happen to you because it can...I didn't think it would ever happen to me cause I educated my son and provided him with the protection but the reality is sleeping in unicorn feety pajamas in her crib in my bedroom...


Just my humble exsperience...

[Storm Bride]

I haven't read the whole thread, yet. I don't know what I'd do, and won't know until/unless it happens. I wouldn't be happy about my son trying to walk away - not one bit.

I don't, however, think that it's entirely fair to think that it's always about being irresponsible. I know one woman who had an abortion, and one guy who abandoned what was at least possibly his baby, for the same reason. They had both found themselves involved with someone that they couldn't be involved with. In the woman's case, the guy turned out to be really mentally unstable and violent, and she didn't know how bad until she was already pregnant. In the man's case, he tried to break it off multiple times and she would not leave him alone - waiting for him outside his new girlfriend's house, sitting around outside his house all hours waiting for him to come home, etc. She was very aggressive about getting him back and made no bones about using sex to do it. While I think he should have stayed the hell away from her, I also realize that people are only human...and there was no way he could have been involved in that child's life without having her in his life, as well. Since she was truly fixated on him, and was also physically violent, a continued relationship between the two of them would have been bad for everyone...including the baby.

Do I think either of these people handled things well? No. If either of them had been as responsible as they should have been, or if they'd been using their common sense, they'd have gotten out of those relationships a lot sooner than they did. I just think that once the pregnancy existed, their real options were very limited.

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by Mylie

Assumptions..But believe me until it happens to you frankly you don't really know what you would do...

Kids can't see beyond their own wants and needs and we can't stop them from having sex just because we asked them to be responsible..

But don't think that it won't happen to you because it can...I didn't think it would ever happen to me cause I educated my son and provided him with the protection but the reality is sleeping in unicorn feety pajamas in her crib in my bedroom...

I think you are absolutely right. You don't really know what you would do until you're actually in the situation yourself. And yes, despite our efforts and our trust that the values that we have instilled in them will guide them through life, kids occasionally will do those things that we never thought were possible when we were looking at our sensible, sweet, affectionate five-year-olds.

As a mother of two grown-up children I too have learned this over and over again!

When they were little and people were talking about "teenager problems" I used to think "Oh, that won't ever happen to us, because we have such an open relationship, he/she knows that he/she can talk to me about anything, he/she is not that kind of person, I have taught him/her proper values" etc.

But they have their own lives and make their own mistakes.

I think you sound like a great mother and grandmother, not everybody would have actually taken care of their grandchild's mother like you have done. I'm sure it must be really frustrating to see how the kids are now not understanding their responsibilities and maybe not appreciating your efforts, but as you say, they're just kids.

[cappuccinosmom]

I didn't answer the other one as I have only sons. But this is easier.

If one of my sons did that, I would be so, so disappointed in them. That is why from even toddlerhood on we talk about these issues. Not just sex, but responsibilities of family and the fact that birth control fails even with perfect use. What they are going to be hearing while in our house is that if you have sex, it is possible you will get a baby, whether you use birth control or not.

I don't know how I would react emotionally should a son of mine behave the way described in the OP. Probably pretty badly. However, I do know what our values and principles would force me to do. A minor son in our house who refused to take responsibility (either by marrying the girl, being a dad, or at the very least providing what child support he could) would lose *all* privelages. We would make it as easy as possible for him to work in order to pay support. We would try to develop a good relationship with the baby's mom and let our son know that the *baby* he made is now of primary importance, whether he likes it or not.

An adult son living at home who abandoned his child and the child's mother would be out on his rear end in a minute. We would not take care of him while he neglected to care for his own responsibilities. We would absolutely support the baby's mom in taking him to court for child support if that was necessary.

Makes me sad just to think of all this.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by plunky

I'd like to think this wouldn't be a problem for me, honestly. My kid will be getting frank sex ed at home, encouraging boys to wear condoms and girls to be on the pill once they're sexually active.

Sorry, but I think you're just fooling yourself if you think this can't happen. It can happen no matter how much you talk about sex, make birth control available, etc. Condoms can break, girls can forget to take pills, condoms aren't necessarily available (even if you have them at your house, what if your son forgets to grab one? Or what if he took one but needs two?) people will think "Oh, just this once, it will be okay!" or "I'll just pull out in time.", etc, etc, etc.

I'm sure if you think about it, you have *at least* one married or partnered friend who has had an accidental pregnancy while using birth control. Nothing is 100% effective. Well, except no sexual contact!

What would I do if this happens to one of my sons and he didn't want to take responsibility? I don't know. I wonder if in a lot of cases where the boys don't want to take responsibility, do you think that is being condoned or pushed for by the parents? I could imagine some parents just washing their hands of it and saying that the girl is a slut, it's her own fault...let her deal with it, etc.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

What would I do if this happens to one of my sons and he didn't want to take responsibility? I don't know. I wonder if in a lot of cases where the boys don't want to take responsibility, do you think that is being condoned or pushed for by the parents? I could imagine some parents just washing their hands of it and saying that the girl is a slut, it's her own fault...let her deal with it, etc.

I think that happens more than any of us might wish it to. I also think that sometimes parents can destroy their chances of getting to see their grandchild (as well as their kid's chances of getting to be in the baby's life, esp. when the father is a minor) by going psycho and trying to wrest control and "take" the baby from the mother.

I never say never, when it comes to people that are not me. People would never kick their kids out of their house? I can think of several reasons why I might (physical abuse towards me or others, molesting their siblings, theft, drug dealing in my home, ect)--doesn't mean I wouldn't love my kid or try to find help for them.

Even if I hated the girl in question for some reason, I think that probably I would have sharp answer for any son of mine who said "well, she's just a slut!" I would hope my son would have more honor than that, they're certainly being raised in a way that I hope they cherish it...but children are not automatons that we can just plug in our dreams for them and out they come just like they were programmed. Ultimately it reflects on him.

But I also have choices as well. I think that probably I would love my child no matter what (it's hard for me to look into their sweet faces and imagine them beating their toddler children to death, or shooting up a school, ect--my intellect says that I'd find it hard to love them, but as a corrections officer I saw many mothers still loving their children no matter what, so I would assume that as much as it would kill me I'd feel the same). But loving your child IMO doesn't you support them in everything they decide to do, right or wrong. Or at least it doesn't to me.

If my child knowingly fathered a child and then walked away, not bothering to seek parental rights termination and thinking that he could just not pay child support...he'd still have my love, but not my support. It's not meant as a threat to keep them in line, they'll know how I feel and what the consequences are to various things, that's how we roll as a family. I don't think I'd do my child a service by just wagging a finger with him and saying "you shouldn't" while eliminating consequences.

I hope that's never put to the test. I've had lots of practice enacting "tough love" and "natural consequences" but you know, it's always different when you're in it.