Neighbor girl takes DD's toys - no big deal, but object on principle?

[laohaire]

DD is 3yo and neighbor girl is 4yo. Almost every time she comes over to play, she will leave with one of DD's toys. Sometimes nobody notices, sometimes her mother will notice and ask her to give it back but not follow through (this girl rules the house, IYKWIM). It could really drive anyone nuts (espcially the times when the mother simply caves and tells her she can have the toy - without even checking with me), but honestly, none of the toys swiped were anything I cared about or thought DD cared about. I would definitely put my foot down if that were the case, though.

So there is no personal conflict - though I do find it a bit perplexing that her mother seems afraid to discipline her DD at all (her attempts are truly pointless and just demonstrate who's in charge - and it's not the mother). I don't hold it against the girl, and I'm not upset with her mother. Also to be totally fair, sometimes the girl gives my DD one of her toys, of her own volition. But the imbalance is extreme since she probably takes about 15 (maybe more!) toys for every toy she gives, and she's doing all of the selection (she gives my DD toys she doesn't want, and takes the toys she does want).

Am I really doing the girl (and her mother) a favor by not objecting? I am starting to think I'm just reinforcing the idea that she can do whatever she wants - and I "think" this may be a problem for her in her life, but I'm not sure if that assumption is correct. Nor am I sure that it will make any difference if I put my foot down.

I know how I'd handle it if I decided she should not take more toys - it will be very GD and respectful but firm. So I don't so much need input on the how, but the whether.

[saturnine25]

I would definitely go the route of the gentle, yet firm objection

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by saturnine25

I would definitely go the route of the gentle, yet firm objection

Why?

[Just1More]

I don't like to put my kids in the position of being a "doormat". Even if your dd doesn't "care" about what's being taken, she's still the subject of some rather passive (or not so passive) agressive behavior. I don't think that's a good example for her. I work with my dd to say things like, "Excuse me, I was using that. You can have this." Or "would you like to play with me. I'm using the cash register now, but you can have the food and the credit card." Or, "no thank you...that's my special puppy." (And I stay close so I can intervene if the other child doesn't respect my dd's attempts at civility.)

[mommy2maya]

Originally Posted by laohaire

Why?

because they belong to your daughter, simple as that.

We've had kids try to take stuff home in the past, and I've said, you have to leave that here please, it belongs to Ciara/Tyler/Maya, and they would be sad if you took it. Then explain you realize how cool it is, and they are more than welcome to come back anytime to play with it.

[SparklingGemini]

It seems to me that allowing a child to take something that isn't theirs, whether you care about it or not, without permission, is perpetuating the idea that stealing is OK.

[Smalls181]

My DD, 2.5, is a toy thief, sorry to say. Sometimes I simply do not catch her doing it, and we always give the stuff back.

If it was a problem, I would hope that the girls mom would say something to me, in a kind way. But I think with us, she knows that usually I just didnt realize DD had the thing in her hand till we are gone, because we always bring stuff back. Sometimes the mom will say "Oh Scarlett can borrow that." Or if it something more special she will say "Oh honey, leave that here. That is V's toy and she would be sad if you took it." DD usually understands that.

It does seem very off that the mom would think its okay to let her DD take a toy home without permission. I hope she gets a handle on it now, before she gets older. It could cause her some serious issues with the law.

[OkiMom]

I would definetly say something about it. Whenever DD goes someplace I watch what we come in with and what we leave with, I would never allow her to take someone else's toys. A few times people have come over and their children have taken a liking to DD's toys and Ill step in for the parents since a lot of times they will respond to me (Im the "fun" parent so they love coming over to play-their parents won't climb all over the jungle gym or make forts for them).
DD also doesn't have that many toys so have one or two taken even time someone comes over would mean she would end up without toys eventually. The few she has she LOVES so anyone of them would be missed.

[MusicianDad]

I agree with everyone here...They are your dd's toys whether she cares if someone takes them without permission or not. Allowing it to continue is basically allowing the other child to steal from your dd and one day she will want to take something your dd loves. At that point you'll have to deal with "Well you never minded before." You need to let the mom know that you don't think it's ok for her dd to just take the toys and you don't appreciate her telling her dd it's ok to keep them.

[cotopaxi]

Just agreeing with the rest - yes, I'd stop her from taking the toys. It sets a good example for your dd to show how to kindly but firmly set up some boundaries. And like you say it might be better for the neighbor girl to start learning about those boundaries too - that blows me away that her mom would tell her she could keep your dd's toys without asking your/dd's permission!!

[goodygumdrops]

I also agree with the pp's, although I understand that it does make for an uncomfortable situation. I have been doing home daycare since my son was 6 months. The little girl that I watch started getting very clingy to certain toys when it was time for her to go home. I didn't want her mom or me to have to endure any meltdowns so I let it slide. I don't know why, but one day I realized that it really wasn't my place to allow them to take my sons toys...yk, he isn't really able to speak for himself yet Maybe he didn't want her to take his toys...so, I started being more careful about this. Now, if she tries to take one of my sons toys, I just switch it out for one of her toys or I just remove it before her mom comes. For some reason, she won't cry or meltdown if I take it but if her mom tries to...that's another story.

[leila1213]

I would probably ask the mom to give the toys back when the girls weren't around. I wouldn't mind the neighbor borrowing them, but why should she keep them permanently? If it's not bothering you and your DD though, then I see no reason to make a scene while the girls are around and they are leaving your home. But maybe the mom could make an effort to acknowledge that she is taking the toys, and it's not ok to take without asking. Then there can be a ceremonial asking and the statement that she can borrow them for a few days/week/whatever.

I didn't read all the responses so I don't know if someone said that already.

[Hoopin' Mama]

A 4yo is perfectly capable of understanding what it hers and what is not. Frankly, I think that is bizarre behavior (on the mom's part, to think it's okay).

I think you should tell her to come back and play with the toys, but your dd would miss them if she took them.

[phathui5]

This is why I would object:

(espcially the times when the mother simply caves and tells her she can have the toy - without even checking with me),

I'm ok with my children giving their toys if it's something they don't want anymore. I would not be ok with people taking my kids' toys without clearing it with me and the kids.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by Gavin'smom

I also agree with the pp's, although I understand that it does make for an uncomfortable situation.

I wasn't really clear about it, but the only reason I've hesitated is not for fear of an uncomfortable situation - I'm not afraid to speak up to the girl on behalf of my DD, and I'm not afraid the mom will object.

It's more that I really don't mind having the toys taken! Trying to declutter my house! None of the toys she takes are ever missed. The most expensive toy she's taken yet was this horrible doll my mother gave DD, that is robotic and moves and talks. Ick!!!! I hated that thing and rejoiced : when I saw the kid march out with it. If I had thought of it, I probably would have planned it!

But I did post because of the reasons people pointed out - just not a good precedent. (Though I also don't care at all about being inconsistent - don't mind putting my foot down about "this" toy even if I didn't bother with others - the girl is old enough and smart enough to know that some toys are special).

I'll probably put an end to it, but I was definitely hoping to hear a strong argument for specific reasons why I should.

[harmat]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I really don't mind having the toys taken! Trying to declutter my house! None of the toys she takes are ever missed.

Perhaps you can make a point of saying she can have it? That way it doesn't go unnoted and you're rid of the toy?

We used to have a 4 yo round (without parents) who would pick up small things he liked and put them in his pocket. I told him once that it's stealing and those things are not his to take. This was enough, although I did have to check his pockets (or just ask about them) a few times after that.
It is around ages 2-4 that children learn they don't own everything they see, but will they, if noone ever tells them?

[leerypolyp]

Yeah, I think you're better off actually dealing with this than just letting it slide. It sounds as if her mother isn't bringing things back. It sounds as if she just isn't dealing with the situation at all. And it sounds as if this isn't going to be a good thing for the girl, in the long term.

If you wanted to make a box of things that were okay to take, and let her choose one, that would be a more helpful way of decluttering that wasn't also sending the message that just taking things is okay.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by harmat

Perhaps you can make a point of saying she can have it? That way it doesn't go unnoted and you're rid of the toy?

Oooh, that's a great point. Then we can all be happy. I was assuming to address this, I'd have to say No. But instead I can address this and still say Yes - but make it very different from just letting her take things. I guess I could enforce a process, such as having her ASK my DD if she can have the toy (DD will most likely agree - and if she doesn't, fine! We keep the toy!).

Yeah, I'm totally satisfied with that as a solution. Think outside the box! Thanks!

[MOMYS]

I think giving her permission to take something is a GREAT idea, but I would be very careful not to do it everytime she comes and visits. I would not want her to get the idea that you are a free toystore, KWIM?

[saturnine25]

Originally Posted by laohaire

Why?

For many of the reasons stated by previous posters, although I also wanted to add that for me, the main reasons would be: a.) My dd isn't old enough to choose to allow her friend to take the toy(s) and b.) The fact that the other girl's mother was not acknowledging the situation or returning toys (although maybe she is returning them?)- this just seems very inconsiderate.

If you don't mind parting with the toys, though, I liked the pp's suggestion of verbally acknowledging that you are giving them to the neighbor girl.