*update/corrections*we got our first foster placement... (NO, REALLY THIS TIME!!)

[want2bmoms]

Ok, now that I don't have two little girls running about. We got our first placement two days ago::....

They have a lot of history, none of which DHS is really sure of. The issues that have been uncovered include a pretty severe lack of attachment, neglect and sexual abuse. Placement lenth is not determined at this point, "well, deffinately more than a week and we have to have something set for permanency by the end of twelve months"

We could really use some tips from those more experienced than us on issues like:

attachment (or lack thereof):
-Hugs everyone on first meeting (usually before first meeting, i.e. the little boy who got too close to the buggy in the store, the employee at the CAC house... etc) (big1)
-hugging and jumping on everyone, usually before knowing who they are. Especially males, BIL come over today and was talking to DP in the hall and all of a sudden I hear thwap and "Big1 I need you to get OFF BIL now. He does not want you to grab him. He does not know you." I come around the corner to see Big1 hanging off BIL's back, by way of his jacket, BIL with a horrified, uncomfortable and highly confused look on his face, part of which was probably the fact the she was choking him with his own clothing.
-Refers to myself and DP as "mom" "momma" or "mommy" 100% of the time, as of 36-ish hours ago, We got them... within the last 72 hours.

Appropriate boundries
-i.e. CPS worker is happy for then to call us and their biomom "mom" etc, but they will be limited to these three people, they cannot call CPS worker "mom", etc.

Possible ADD(big1):
-mom does NOT approve meds, which we are generally against in this situation anyways, but it's a voluntary placement (for now).
-gets super hyper when she's worried, uses hyper to change the story/situation

night terrors ("bad dream-like" tossing and crying out but can't be woken up), in big1
-For those of you who have dealt with this little peice of sunshine, HOW DO YOU KEEP SANE when you are getting out of bed to try to comfort a child who yells out "NO", "DON'T", "Mommy HELP ME", "Don't go there", "NOoooooo" all. night. long. every 5-75 minutes. All.Night.Long.
-I know the kiddos can't do anything about this, and I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL that they usually have no memory of the occurance, or what caused them to cry out like that.
-it usually takes less than two minutes to get them settled back down, it then takes me an additional ten minutes to get to sleep, night one, she needed comforting EVERY 25 minutes. From 10PM to 6AM. THey were awake for the day at 7AM. last night, they needed comfort a little less often, still at least once per hour. At 7 this morning, I kicked DP out of bed because the air was hurting my eyeballs. (She doesn't get up because she's in a wheelchair and it takes her about 10 times longer than it takes me, plus, she needs my help to get out of bed.) Our Family Development specialist saw us today, he suggested staying at MILs house for a few days so that the three of us could parent in shifts. He also suggested baby bottles for both children and rocking/laulabies to sleep, and separate sleeping spaces (my only issue with this is that they are used to sharing a room and it allows them to feel safe, the terrors usually only affect big1, lil1 slept fairly soundly all night long the first night, last night she had one night terror herself, crying out "no, I don't want to!" and thrashing, big1's issues don't seem to bother her.)

night mares (wakes up, needs lots of comforting/rocking) for big1
- in addition to night terrors()

Potty training?!?!? (lil1)
-doesn't seem to have any idea she needs to go, is going, or is wet.
-everyone isists that she should be potty training.
-she doesn't seem to understand beyond sitting on the potty and releasing her bladder, which she will do, every ten minutes, if left to herself, she will wet her pants about every hour.

how many words should lil1 have?
-She will say only the main word in a sentence she is asked to repeat
-She won't say anything that seems like asking for the potty.
-The words she does use are often clear.

These two are both out of the range we were set up for, and we don't really have a lot of experience in this age range.
We have to get at least one of them in school and in a good daily routine.

On an up note, I cannot convince myself to give in to my constant craving for fast food/soda/sweets when they are around! And my language has suddenly turned "curse words" into "curse foods"... "garlic bread sticks" "Pizza" "pizza sauce" "Pickles!" "Holy peperoni" I feel the sudden urge to be home by five-thirty and cook meals.:

[Polliwog]

I've really never had a child with attachment issues or night terrors, so I'm not much help.

I wouldn't push potty training right now. Give him time to settle in. There are tons of three-year-olds in diapers (says a former Head Start Threes teacher.)

Language development depends so much on environmental factors. There's no need to compare to typical children unless you think that there's an actual disability. So many of my HS kids came in with really small vocabularies and then blossomed. Talk to him a lot, read to him a lot, sing songs, etc.

I've got ADHD and caffeine really helps. Not as much as meds but it really helps organize my thoughts. You may or may not want to try that. There are also dietary things you can do.

Good luck and I hope your kids settle in soon. Congrats on your first placement.

[lauren]

With night terrors the important thing to know is that the child can't control them and can't stop. This child may need an evaluation as sometimes night terrors (true night terrors, not just a bad dream that startles the child awake) can be related to brain waves. In a traumatized child who is waking and processing scary events, it is important to just provide a lot of soothing and nurturing, emphasizing safety now. Both children might benefit from some counseling, in the form of play therapy to help address some of these issues.

In terms of attachment, it is important to know what the case plan is--reunification or TPR. The child you are describing seems to have an indiscriminant attachment pattern, meaning anyone will do for nurturing. This is very unhealthy and usually a sign of neglect and the child having to get his/her basic needs met on his own. For the time being, don't allow him to hug everyone he meets. Teach some basics about who is o.k. to be close to and who is not. Teach personal boundaries. Use a hula hoop to demonstrate. Imagine a hula hoop around you. People we don't know shouldn't be closer than that, shouldn't be inside our hula hoop. As the case plan gets clearer you can ask for the kind of support you need, either to help the kids settle in to a closer relationship with you, or to help them transition back to birth parents.

[want2bmoms]

Thanks!

We have decided we aren't going to push the potty training, we googled "signs of potty learning readiness" and went down the first list...
Lil1 met 2-3 of the twenty or more signs of readiness: she can run, she can pull her pants up and down, she can get on and off the potty. She gets happy when she's sat on the potty, but isn't always aware if she goes or not (she usually goes - every ten minutes if we try, but says, "I went potty!" whether there was actual output or not).

Pulls ups are a good thing! She can still practice going potty, but we can drive five minutes to the store without having to do an outfit change when we walk in!

last night was really good, comparatively speaking, we only had four terror events and one nightmare! MommyT feels SOOOO much better!!!)

The plan is reunification, but not anytime soon, right now there is no contact with anyone. The state is filing for emergency custody monday as right now it is voluntary.

[azedazobollis]

Congrats, because I totally missed you getting your placements!

With potty learning, I would expect them not be ready for a while with sexual abuse in recent history. How old are they? Do you have a video camera to record some of the night terrors? Those may be helpful in a court case if something was pursued regarding abuse.

[Polliwog]

I'm glad you had a better night (but it still sounds rough.)

I've found, with children in my home, the children in my classes, and the children in the classes of the teachers I've trained, that Pull Ups are actually not a good thing. They really are diapers and since they really don't allow the child to feel the wetness (no matter what the creators say,) they can prolong toilet learning. You are better off using diapers until you are ready to go to full time padded underwear. It really isn't a big deal right now, since you are using them as a very expensive diaper. But when you are ready, skip the Pull Ups and go straight to unders.

[Polliwog]

I should add that my son never really cared about having a wet/soiled diaper and could have, if I let him, wear the same diaper all day. He HATED diaper changes. When we did start toilet learning, he went from not caring to fully trained (day and night in less than two weeks.) Not typical but apparently he figured that using the toilet was a lot less stressfull than having his diaper changed.

[want2bmoms]

Originally Posted by azedazobollis

Congrats, because I totally missed you getting your placements!

With potty learning, I would expect them not be ready for a while with sexual abuse in recent history. How old are they? Do you have a video camera to record some of the night terrors? Those may be helpful in a court case if something was pursued regarding abuse.

Thanks, that would be hard not to miss when we got them, this post was the "we got our first placement post", I was just too tired to focus on that.

That makes total sense, especially since there is a chance the lol1 has experienced it too, "inconclusive, but judging by what big1 says, possible":

They are three and six.

We do have a video, on my camera, I thought about that, but then I get to concerned with trying to comfort her, I don't think about that. She really seems to settle more quickly when we go in and tell her she's ok and we're here and we don't let anyone hurt or bother her. There's something about having a little girl call out like that in the middle of the night that makes my brain shut down, I can't stop myself from trying to rush to make it better. DHS knows about the terrors, mom actually told us about them...

[want2bmoms]

Originally Posted by BethNC

I'm glad you had a better night (but it still sounds rough.)

I've found, with children in my home, the children in my classes, and the children in the classes of the teachers I've trained, that Pull Ups are actually not a good thing. They really are diapers and since they really don't allow the child to feel the wetness (no matter what the creators say,) they can prolong toilet learning. You are better off using diapers until you are ready to go to full time padded underwear. It really isn't a big deal right now, since you are using them as a very expensive diaper. But when you are ready, skip the Pull Ups and go straight to unders.

We are still trying to encourage her to try to potty, send her to the bathroom and get on the potty (she always goes, even when her pull up has just been wet.) I feel like they're a giant waste too, but, since mom sent a whole package of them, right now they're FREE very expensive diapers I like free things!
We've tried the full time padded underwear, she doesn't even notice those are wet. Yesterday, we went through four pairs of pants/underwear, every time we got in the car, we went potty, by the time we arrived at our location, wet... finally, I ran out of changes of clothing, I ended up wearing her out of the library in a pull up, socks, and her blouse, I'm just glad that I brought the sling in... I forgot she WILL NOT poo on the potty..
And, (because I know it's coming)Yes, I do know about those lovely plastic panties that fit over the padded ones, I even have a pack, which fall off of her because I got a size too big... I need to take them back to the store but I've been running on fumes and sheer determination, I couldn't convine myself that washing an extra load of laundry was more work than driving to the store, walking through the store, finding the right size, walking back through the store, paying, and driving home... I think I may have actually counted out the footsteps in my head
She did like the sling though, settled right into it, looked out with amazement at all the things she could see way up here!

[want2bmoms]

Originally Posted by BethNC

I should add that my son never really cared about having a wet/soiled diaper and could have, if I let him, wear the same diaper all day. He HATED diaper changes. When we did start toilet learning, he went from not caring to fully trained (day and night in less than two weeks.) Not typical but apparently he figured that using the toilet was a lot less stressfull than having his diaper changed.

She doesn't mind diaper changes, and doesn't care if she's wet or poopy, she'll stay in it until someone thinks to change her.
She's SO COMPLACENT, it was two days before I heard her utter the word "no." And the first time she did that was in her sleep! ... Finally her sister made her mad enough today that she said, "big1 NO, I don't. Want. to share by toys wit hue! Gib. it. BACK! ... MOOOMMMEEEE (yes lil1?), big1 took by keerbuhr!"

Of course, at that point I also realized that she has a much larger vocabulary than she was showing previously.

[Kabes]

That is a lot of peeing, perhaps she has a uti. I find it eaiest to pick up a sterile cup at the Dr's office and catch it at home, but some kids do fine at the office.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job!!!!! I hope you're getting more sleep soon.

[Polliwog]

Definitely sounds like she's not physically ready to start using the toilet.

[tiffani]

and just to add, my son was "pee trained" for an entire year before he was "poo trained" -- he just really liked to poop while looking out the window!

congratulations, and it sounds like things are maybe already moving in the right direction in terms of sleep and language... big hugs to all four of you!!! ...uh, scratch that, probably wouldn't be good for attachment...