DH is a bad influence

[TinaM]

My DH and I have different parenting styles. Or I should say I am actively parenting, he is passively parenting. When I talk to him about it, he seems on the same page sometimes, but always falls back into the "bad" behavior. I feel like his father's parenting has caused DH's self esteem issues and he will cause the same in our children. I feel he focuses on negative, talks negatively about others with/in front of the kids. He yells, belittles and treats the children with disrespect. I don't feel like I can change anything. I try to just focus on being the best parent I can be and hope the kids will be well-adjusted. Anyone in a similar situation?

[MamaStarbird]

I don't have any good advice but I didn't want to read this and not say anything. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I do sometimes worry about DH's passive parenting (his idea of spending time with DD is often to bop her absently on his shoulder while watching TV and he never does any research but then resists all my carefully researched ideas for how I want to parent).

However, what you're describing doesn't sound passive to me; it sounds actively negative. It must be incredibly upsetting to feel like all your hard work being the best possible parent is being dragged down or even negated by your DH. I'm sure someone else will have some great advice for you. The only thing that comes to mind is therapy, since you said your DH's father and self-esteem are factors. Do you think he'd be open to talking to someone? Hang in there!

[mamamelia]

i can commiserate. my dh is negative with the kids in general - he had a very negative, "just not good enough", try harder, be better, "what the heck is wrong with you??" upbringing.. and i see it projected onto the kids. luckily he is a softie and we're trying to work on a more agreeable parenting method (still AP, but tailoring it so that what comes out of both our mouths is consistent). he agrees with everything i say and vows to do his best (i see him trying so hard at times) but inevitably falls back into the negative trap like your dh.
he is a wonderful father... he loves his children so much (this is the man that rocked his baby girls to sleep every night for months and months on end because he didn't want them to CIO, even though he was left to CIO as a 2 day old newborn). he just has no experience with the discipline area other than being negative and yelling. i can't fault him for that. but i can most certainly try to help him. the youngest is attached to her daddy (she prefers him over me anyday) and he often clashes with the eldest (who oddly enough has his exact personality). he loves her dearly, but he just can never see things from her perspective. the youngest has my personality exactly and me and her often clash (i just hand her over to her father a lot of the time). odd family huh?

you're not alone.

[mamabeca]

I agree w/Mamastarbird, that it sounds like he's actively negative. I can recommend a couple of different approaches, but he may not go for any of them, and in the end, you will have to be the center of their universe doubly strong and willing to spend more time with them, because he isn't able to step up to bat w/out harming them.

Firstly, he could see a counselor or family therapist about why he is so negative. There may be some underlying reason that he isn't totally aware of that is corrupting his ability to enjoy his children on a consistent basis, and souring his ability to discipline them w/love.

Second, you and he could get a workbook (like When Anger Hurts Your Kids) and work through it together, not w/a professional.

Third, you (plural) could look for a parenting specialist and ask them to help makea long term (and short term!) plan that would gently move him on a pathway of more love, less intolerance.

Fourth, he could take a straightforward anger management course, usually they are 2 or 3 part of about 2 hrs. each. They help give ideas for what to do w/anger that is unresolved, comes up quickly, etc., and can be tailored to fit the needs of those taking the class - a class w/a lot of parents in it can be focused on the buttons kids push, and how to de-activate those buttons etc.

Lastly, he can do other stuff for himself - working out, art, running, bowling, golfing, darts, whatever he needs - to feel fulfilled himself, which might make him more tolerant of the kids and their kid-ness.

so maybe something there will ring a bell for you - but tbh my dh is a lot like yours (doesn't research, doesn't listen to me, parents very passively) but he doesn't have the negative behaviors, I think because he does get some down time every weekend and at night. We've talked a lot about how little time he gets, and how many of his own activities he has had to put on hold. It's hard being a parent! Meanwhile, I do not leave him w/the kids a ton, just once in a while for myself, and then occasionally because one kid needs me and it's not appropriate to take the other etc. You will have to think/process how you can pick up the slack for yourself.

mama. We can continue to discuss, if you like. I'll sub and see. It's good to have friends!