OK - I need to vent a bit - I am home alone tonight (with the exception of my LO - who is fast asleep, so not such good company!) - It's a Saturday night, and my husband is out with a group of our friends - none of whom have children. We all have a mutual friend who is in town on business. He's been in town for the past two or three weeks, and, in his usual style, he's taken us all out for lavish dinners each weekend (his treat) and then out afterward to a club/bar/karaoke, etc. (also his treat). He's wealthy, never let's anyone else pay (he makes pre-arrangements), and that's the way he is. We really appreciate it, but wish he'd allow us the pleasure of returning the hospitality. He won't, at least so far. I beat his wife to the check once when I met her for a lunch, and she was FURIOUS. I was rather surprised at her reaction, and happily explained that I was just returning hospitality - but she wasn't happy. I chalked it up to the fact that we are from dif't cultures, and that they are very very wealthy and know that we aren't, so perhaps it's a bit awkward to think of us paying for something.
All that to say, the past two weekends, we have asked another friend to babysit while we go out to dinner with the group. We can't ask our friend to stay too late (that and we're really not into late nights now that DS gets up by 7am at the latest), and so I've headed home early to relieve the sitter. We live in China - and we're still new here, so we don't have a ton of babysitters to choose from yet, so this weekend, when another invitation was extended, we decided my husband would go, and I would stay behind. Our friend was not happy. He wanted us to bring the baby along - to a CLUB. I told him I was so sorry to miss out (I am sorry, I like my friends) but I needed to take care of our baby. His response was, "No you're not." I was naturally a bit taken aback. Another friend in the group has told us that we are overprotective and have no sense of adventure. (Yes, we have no sense of adventure, we just moved to China with our 6 month old, tell me another one!) It is not an adventure to bring a cranky one year old to a nightclub - that is called stupidity! I enjoy my son immensely, especially when we are all rested! And I have explained this in good humor to our friends, but they just can't seem to get it through their (rather thick, it seems) heads!
My husband is tired and not even feeling that well today, but very generous and a wonderful friend, so he is representing us tonight. We met our friends at a doughnut shoppe right before I was heading home with the baby before they were heading out - and I was met with, "Can JM stay out until 1am tonight?" I just said, "That's up to him. I am not his mother." These kinds of questions bug me, and make me feel like I am my husband's mother, and they are all adolescents asking me about his curfew. Our marriage doesn't work that way.
I'm just irritated. I'm a mom. My child comes first. That does not mean that I'm not sorry that I can't join in on the fun. We've bent over backwards to join in the past two weekends. Basically it means that we won't get a date to ourselves for another month or so, and it's meant a sacrifice in our study time (we're both in school). I feel like my friend's generosity is starting to come with strings attached - if we don't just do it the way he wants things - then we feel his pressure and guilt. At the end of our time together today, I simply reiterated that I was sorry I couldn't make it, and I hoped that he would come over for dinner one night this week so we could spend time together before he leaves town. I just am starting to doubt he really cares to come! He's coming back full time next January/February, so we're eventually going to have to work this out.
Anyone else have these experiences with friends, especially when you first became parents? It's tough, I feel like I walk a fine line - I want to understand where they are coming from - I know they don't have kids (or our temperaments - we're just not out 'til dawn types) - but I also would like to receive a little understanding in return. I haven't been sharp or too direct yet (I've tried humor, explanation, asking for understanding, but they keep pushing!), but the time is coming when I'm going to have to ask them to back off in a more direct fashion. We have a whole new set of friends here in China, and my friends back home (who are closer friends) would not be like this, EVER. Babies here have 4 grandparents who all wish they were the baby's parents and would babysit 24 hours a day if possible. So people don't get it all the time that we parent - all the time.
Just looking for a sympathetic ear, really... Parenting can be a bit lonely sometimes.
All that to say, the past two weekends, we have asked another friend to babysit while we go out to dinner with the group. We can't ask our friend to stay too late (that and we're really not into late nights now that DS gets up by 7am at the latest), and so I've headed home early to relieve the sitter. We live in China - and we're still new here, so we don't have a ton of babysitters to choose from yet, so this weekend, when another invitation was extended, we decided my husband would go, and I would stay behind. Our friend was not happy. He wanted us to bring the baby along - to a CLUB. I told him I was so sorry to miss out (I am sorry, I like my friends) but I needed to take care of our baby. His response was, "No you're not." I was naturally a bit taken aback. Another friend in the group has told us that we are overprotective and have no sense of adventure. (Yes, we have no sense of adventure, we just moved to China with our 6 month old, tell me another one!) It is not an adventure to bring a cranky one year old to a nightclub - that is called stupidity! I enjoy my son immensely, especially when we are all rested! And I have explained this in good humor to our friends, but they just can't seem to get it through their (rather thick, it seems) heads!
My husband is tired and not even feeling that well today, but very generous and a wonderful friend, so he is representing us tonight. We met our friends at a doughnut shoppe right before I was heading home with the baby before they were heading out - and I was met with, "Can JM stay out until 1am tonight?" I just said, "That's up to him. I am not his mother." These kinds of questions bug me, and make me feel like I am my husband's mother, and they are all adolescents asking me about his curfew. Our marriage doesn't work that way.
I'm just irritated. I'm a mom. My child comes first. That does not mean that I'm not sorry that I can't join in on the fun. We've bent over backwards to join in the past two weekends. Basically it means that we won't get a date to ourselves for another month or so, and it's meant a sacrifice in our study time (we're both in school). I feel like my friend's generosity is starting to come with strings attached - if we don't just do it the way he wants things - then we feel his pressure and guilt. At the end of our time together today, I simply reiterated that I was sorry I couldn't make it, and I hoped that he would come over for dinner one night this week so we could spend time together before he leaves town. I just am starting to doubt he really cares to come! He's coming back full time next January/February, so we're eventually going to have to work this out.
Anyone else have these experiences with friends, especially when you first became parents? It's tough, I feel like I walk a fine line - I want to understand where they are coming from - I know they don't have kids (or our temperaments - we're just not out 'til dawn types) - but I also would like to receive a little understanding in return. I haven't been sharp or too direct yet (I've tried humor, explanation, asking for understanding, but they keep pushing!), but the time is coming when I'm going to have to ask them to back off in a more direct fashion. We have a whole new set of friends here in China, and my friends back home (who are closer friends) would not be like this, EVER. Babies here have 4 grandparents who all wish they were the baby's parents and would babysit 24 hours a day if possible. So people don't get it all the time that we parent - all the time.
Just looking for a sympathetic ear, really...
Parenting can be a bit lonely sometimes.
That sounds lonely! Living in a different culture is always a bit tough. I lived in Japan a couple of times, but not as a parent.
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(yeah, we don't hang out with those neighbors too often). I guess since they are comfortable doing it they feel that everyone with kids should do it. Not gonna happen.
