What DOES "Unsocialized Homeschooler" Mean?

[AnalogWife]

When people say the kids are unsocialized, what exactly are they saying about the child? A friend (with no kids, no mind) recently FLIPPED OUT when I said that I was thinking of homeschooling and he jumped right on the "socialization" bandwagon and when I said that was largely a myth and stereotype---he said "AH no....I knew some of these people growng up!" I was done with the conversation so I didn't ask him what these kids were doing that was so "unsocialized." But what are people referring to??? TIA

[Mama_Leah]

Well, some people are introverts no matter what type of schooling they have. I was extremely shy, still am to a degree. But I was just as shy from K-3rd grade in private school as I was at home for the rest of my schooling. My brother is a lot like me but I have an older sister and another brother who are extroverts and love being with a lot of people and make friends easily.
Some people might have looked at me and my brother and thought we fit the stereotype of "unsocialized homeschooler" quite well but it was just personality.
It's not like there aren't really shy, reclusive kids in public school! (every teen movie has at least one) So why do all homeschool kids have to be outgoing?
I guess my point is that people look at a small group of kids and find one "weird" one and assume that it's because of homeschooling.

Of course there are some families who live very separated lives and homeschool and their children may not have enough social interaction but that is more related to their whole lifestyle than just the homeschooling.

[koru]

The only thing I can think of is that certain kids may be shy or introverted (by nature) and if they're homeschooled they're labled "unsocialized." I also think that many hs'd kids have eccentric, independent thinking, non-conformist parents so when their children are not like everyone else's, well....*stamp* "unsocialized."

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

But what are people referring to??? TIA

They're referring to those few peculiar kinds of people we also knew in school - the ones who are just kind of weird and socially awkward regardless of whether they go to school or not. Or, as Koru said, they might just be referring to shy or introverted ones who would be just as shy or introverted if they went to school. Or they might be referring to some who have been socially isolated with extremely conservative religious groups, so they don't blend in with the group so easily. But to assume that your children will be "unsocialized" just because they'll homeschool is plain ignorant and ridiculous with no real thought put into it. - Lillian

[PajamaMama]

Part of why I'm homeschooling my kids is to avoid the kind of 'socialization' they'd be getting in public school. Public school is really an artificial kind of society if you think about it...when else in life will your child be forced into a situation where the only thing he or she might have in common with everyone else is their age? By homeschooling, my kids get to have relationships with people of all ages, just like I do.

[AnalogWife]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

But to assume that your children will be "unsocialized" just because they'll homeschool is plain ignorant and ridiculous with no real thought put into it. - Lillian

Thank you, I was rather insulted...especially when he said he "felt better" after consulting "other moms" who assured him that once DS turns 5 I'll be shoving him onto the schoolbus. I was mostly upset at that because I resent that anyone would presume to know my relationship with DS better than I would. But anywaysss.

So it sounds like a lot of times it's introversion, non-conformity, and other behaviors anyone sees in public-schooled kids. What a relief! I was thinking that people's reactions make it sound like these kids were feral or had brain disease or something, but when I look at youtube vids made by homeschoolers these kids seem absolutely creative and charming and bright. What a shame that people are misinterpreting and misreporting the behavior of a child, it certainly does reek of ignorance.

ETA: I also read stories of people saying that when they were around a group of homeschooled kids that they could "tell" there was something different about them. That they "can't but their finger on it" but it was "something....." Granted, I wasn't there, but it almost seems like these people only pick up on something either 1)because they were informed they were homeschoolers so they had an antenna up and they just HAD to find something "different" but couldn't really find something different. Or B) the kids act and think out-of-the-box and possibly more expansive than many of the adults they encounter. I swear, since I don't know any homeschooled kids in my IRL, the youtube kids are winning me over!

[Citymomx3]

I think people say this because they think if the kid isn't put into a large brick building away from their families and made to be with a mix of dozens to hundreds of the other neighborhood kids 7 hrs every weekday, then how the heck can they possibly make any friends or know how to function in "the real world". I mean geez, homeschooling just aint natural, dontcha know.

[library lady]

My MIL is one that talks about the socialization issue all the time. When people talk about homeschoolers being unsocialized, they are referring to the fact that they tend to stick to themselves and they are not loud and obnoxious. MIL works at a ski resort during the winter months and she is always talking about how homeschooled kids stand out and how they just seem to be unable/unwilling to socialize with other kids. I considered most of her "complaints" to be positive. I don't understand how people can see well behaved kids in public and label them as weird because they are not mingling with kids their own age. They tend to act too adult and don't know how to be kids. At least that is what MIL says. I guess if a kid is loud and obnoxious people assume that they are in PS.

[sha_lyn]

ETA: I also read stories of people saying that when they were around a group of home schooled kids that they could "tell" there was something different about them. That they "can't but their finger on it" but it was "something....." Granted, I wasn't there, but it almost seems like these people only pick up on something either 1)because they were informed they were homeschoolers so they had an antenna up and they just HAD to find something "different" but couldn't really find something different. Or B) the kids act and think out-of-the-box and possibly more expansive than many of the adults they encounter. I swear, since I don't know any homeschooled kids in my IRL, the youtube kids are winning me over!

I can usually pick a home schooler or especially a group of home schoolers out of a crowd of kids.
1 they don't segregate by age. you will see older kids playing with and helping much younger kids
2 they tend to not fight to get to something. they often end up getting ran over because they want to patiently wait for their turns
3 they will start up conversations with adults.

[MusicianDad]

"AH no....I knew some of these people growng up!"

Ok, to that I would have said "Obviously they weren't unsocialized if you knew them!"
Now for the record, there was one homeschooling family I knew growing up, the would come to get togethers, but even then their kids were not allowed to play with anyone but each other. No one really knew them, only knew of them. That IMO is unsocalized homeschooling. Activly preventing your children from engaging with other kids, no matter what the age.

But most homeschoolers are not like that. Seriously I would be surprised if I met another family like that in my life time.

[AnalogWife]

Originally Posted by sha_lyn

I can usually pick a home schooler or especially a group of home schoolers out of a crowd of kids.
1 they don't segregate by age. you will see older kids playing with and helping much younger kids
2 they tend to not fight to get to something. they often end up getting ran over because they want to patiently wait for their turns
3 they will start up conversations with adults.

Interesting, thanks!

Quote:
"AH no....I knew some of these people growng up!"

Ok, to that I would have said "Obviously they weren't unsocialized if you knew them!"
Now for the record, there was one homeschooling family I knew growing up, the would come to get togethers, but even then their kids were not allowed to play with anyone but each other. No one really knew them, only knew of them. That IMO is unsocalized homeschooling. Activly preventing your children from engaging with other kids, no matter what the age.

But most homeschoolers are not like that. Seriously I would be surprised if I met another family like that in my life time.

Thanks for sharing this. I will still have plenty of opportunities to respond to his claim (he likes to rile people and himself up), I will keep this response in mind.

[warriorprincess]

When I hear that term, or the idea of kids who "look" homeschooled, I think of the kids who dress funny and/or in dirty clothes, have bad homegrown hair cut, don't comb their hair or brush their teeth, and have no boundries. ( I only know one family like this, and they have burned through all the homeschool groups in our general area.

[ChattyCat]

I think people tend to have this view in their head of families that homeschool for religious reasons, where the kids are almost brainwashed for lack of a better term. They dress differently, they don't act anything like a normal child of a similar age, and they seem incredibly sheltered. It is entirely possible to shelter your child from outside influences if you homeschool, and I think this is what people are getting at. Most homeschoolers are perfectly socialized, because their parents take them on field trips, they hang out with other homeschoolers, and they converse with others in their community. Those are not the kids that the worried folk are talking about.

[chaoticzenmom]

Another thing that's different about homeschoolers and it's often noticeable to the mainstream is that homeschoolers don't know what's "cool." They know what they like and have no idea that it might not be considered cool by ps kids thier age. To me, that's a good thing, but it can make them stand out some. It's so nice that my kids think that what they like is great and nobody's there saying "that's sooo yesterday" or whatever kids would say to put other kids in thier place. There's no popularity contest, so the kids really are themselves. Sometimes, "themselves" are a little quirky. Wouldn't we all be a little quirky if we could just be ourselves?

My first encounter with an unschooled group was uncomfortable for me because the kids seemed so goofy. In comparison to kids in PS who are paralyzed for fear of appearing uncool. PS kids need peer approval for thier clothes, dancing at dances, playing with certain other kids, etc. It's really different when kids don't have those pressures. The might appear "unsocialized," but in reality, they are more comfortable in social situations than most because they are comfortable with themselves.

[sha_lyn]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

Another thing that's different about homeschoolers and it's often noticeable to the mainstream is that homeschoolers don't know what's "cool." They know what they like and have no idea that it might not be considered cool by ps kids thier age. To me, that's a good thing, but it can make them stand out some. It's so nice that my kids think that what they like is great and nobody's there saying "that's sooo yesterday" or whatever kids would say to put other kids in thier place. There's no popularity contest, so the kids really are themselves. Sometimes, "themselves" are a little quirky. Wouldn't we all be a little quirky if we could just be ourselves?

My first encounter with an unschooled group was uncomfortable for me because the kids seemed so goofy. In comparison to kids in PS who are paralyzed for fear of appearing uncool. PS kids need peer approval for thier clothes, dancing at dances, playing with certain other kids, etc. It's really different when kids don't have those pressures. The might appear "unsocialized," but in reality, they are more comfortable in social situations than most because they are comfortable with themselves.

...well said

[Gemini05]

Originally Posted by PajamaMama

Part of why I'm homeschooling my kids is to avoid the kind of 'socialization' they'd be getting in public school. Public school is really an artificial kind of society if you think about it...when else in life will your child be forced into a situation where the only thing he or she might have in common with everyone else is their age? By homeschooling, my kids get to have relationships with people of all ages, just like I do.

Yes! This is basically what I was going to post...I'm 25 and was homeschooled and have recently been thinking a lot of what the pros/cons of my homeschooling experience was (definitely more pros than cons, btw). This was one of the BIG pros. Being homeschooled allowed me to be around people of all ages, not just my own age group. I met other kids that were in "regular" school and they couldn't relate to other age groups nearly as well. Now, people seem surprised when they ask what schools I went to and I tell them that I was homeschooled. Apparently I don't fit the stereotype that most people seem to have about homeschoolers!

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

ETA: I also read stories of people saying that when they were around a group of homeschooled kids that they could "tell" there was something different about them.

And yet, we quite often used to hear from docents and group leaders of various kinds that they could really tell a difference when they had a homeschool group, because our kids were so polite, interested, outgoing to adults, and appropriately behaved. Lillian

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

In comparison to kids in PS who are paralyzed for fear of appearing uncool. PS kids need peer approval for thier clothes, dancing at dances, playing with certain other kids, etc.

That's exactly what I've heard some homeschooled teens describe as "school kid behavior" - the need to run with the herd right down the smallest nuances. HOWEVER, those same kids also had school friends who weren't like that at all, and they recognized that difference. So it's not as if they had assumptions that everyone came under a stereotype, but just that there was a certain kind of behavior that could be found in certain circles. - Lillian

[koru]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Now for the record, there was one homeschooling family I knew growing up, the would come to get togethers, but even then their kids were not allowed to play with anyone but each other. No one really knew them, only knew of them. That IMO is unsocalized homeschooling. Activly preventing your children from engaging with other kids, no matter what the age.

I grew up across the street from a hs'ing family like this. Very religious & very seclusive. The neighborhood was teeming with kids but they were NEVER outside playing. Their reasons for hs'ing were obviously to "protect" their children from negative influences & it was a bit odd. But...my mom says that they are all wonderful young adults now, working as teachers & midwives & missionaries all over the world.

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by sha_lyn

I can usually pick a home schooler or especially a group of home schoolers out of a crowd of kids.
1 they don't segregate by age. you will see older kids playing with and helping much younger kids
2 they tend to not fight to get to something. they often end up getting ran over because they want to patiently wait for their turns
3 they will start up conversations with adults.

I totally agree. To this I'll add ...

4. siblings actually seem to genuinely like each other
5. parents relate to the children in an unhurried manner that conveys genuine respect and enjoyment of the children's company

I know some school families that have all these attributes too, but they're much more common amongst homeschoolers, IME.

Miranda