Would this bother or reassure you?

[chaoticzenmom]

My son takes some classes at a resource center. One was Comic strip grammar. It was kind of late in the day and my son never seemed to have anything written in his notebook, so we cancelled the class. When we first started the classes, my son would ask "why are we going to this school if we're homeschooled?" and I would respond "It's just for fun, don't worry, you won't get grades and it's mostly to have something to do and meet people."
The kids love the resource center and we're only there 2 days a week. This was the only "educational" class that my son was taking. The rest are REALLY just for fun. I was hoping that he'd get into writing and drawing in this class because I've heard how exciting this teacher makes her classes.

Anyway, to the point. My son went to about 9 classes before he decided to drop the class. I meet another mother on campus the other day and she knows my son...hmm, I don't know her. So, we start talking and I say that my son didn't seem to get much out of the class and he only ever wrote down the word "adjective" in his notebook out of the nine classes he attended. She then tells me that he only wrote that word because the teacher made him write it. She's in the class with her son, but I can't be in there with my preschooler, so I just hang out on campus and stayed out of that class. So, she then tells me that once, her son was teamed with my son and that when asked to do the group project, my son said "no, I don't feel like doing it right now" and just didn't do it. Then, her son decided that he didn't want to do it either and they both just sat down, not doing the project.

So, I ask my son why he wouldn't participate in the project and he says "teachers don't usually ask me to do stuff." and I say, "yes, but that was a group thing and she asked you to do it." and he responded with "Yeah, but I don't like when they ask me to do stuff that I don't want to do and usually teachers don't ask me to do anything." I left it at that without lecturing or anything.

So, I'm confused about how I feel about this. On one hand, I'm glad that he's not afraid of authority and he felt comfortable to just not do it and know that it would be ok. On the other hand, I am afraid that he's not going to try new things because he just doesn't have to. I wonder if he felt too insecure to try it, which is not something I want him to feel. He also does this thing where if you ask him something and he's not in the mood to talk, he will just ignore the person talking to him. He's neurotypical and will talk non-stop when he's in the mood. I'm not worried about any disorders, I just don't understand it.

I know that you all here have such different ways to view things, so I'd like some input. If you have some insight here, please share it. Anyone here undersand this mentality?

Thanks
Lisa

[Marsupialmom]

I would be agravated....some times life is about being a team player. He definantly was not being a teem player on the project.

Some times you do thing even if you don't like it because the end result. If you don't get messy you never get to see the end result.

Some times you do things even if you don't want to.

I also think it is time to back track and teach your son how to handle the situation. He should have talked to you. At the same time you should have been talking to him and the teacher. The teacher should have brought it up to you.

You can tell him next time you are requesting and expecting him to participate. Let him know he doesn't have to be good but put a good effort into it.

Also make sure you don't project your desires/wishes and likes on him. It excited you not him. Teacher making it exciting can be perseption of the person. My oldest dd has learned more about how to draw about books we have laying around. My other dd is crafty and likes to try and explore. Likes having a leader teach her. My son has dysgraphia. He also has learned by trial and error and drawing classes would/are night mares for him. Letting him do it on his own, having books, et as best.

[Anglyn]

I see where you are torn. DD went to all of two weeks of preschool, which she loved until she didnt want to color at coloring time. She was made to miss snack each day and sit apart from the group with her picture. THis was to go on until she gave in and colored. We pulled her out. It took her over a year to pick up a crayon again. She LOVES to color, but the being pushed, it just made her dig in her heels,it hurt and confused her to be excluded from her friends and it ruined her good feelings about school and about coloring. Maybe you ds just isnt ready for the more organized, structed classes yet.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by Anglyn

I see where you are torn. DD went to all of two weeks of preschool, which she loved until she didnt want to color at coloring time. She was made to miss snack each day and sit apart from the group with her picture. THis was to go on until she gave in and colored. We pulled her out. It took her over a year to pick up a crayon again. She LOVES to color, but the being pushed, it just made her dig in her heels,it hurt and confused her to be excluded from her friends and it ruined her good feelings about school and about coloring. Maybe you ds just isnt ready for the more organized, structed classes yet.

That's part of it. He went to school in France for 1st grade and was made to do hours of perfect dictation in another language. Now he has a writing block and refuses to do any writing at all. It's been 2 years! You'd think that his wounds would have healed by now and he'd be willing to participate in a fun writing class. He's a very good reader and he types pretty quickly and accurately. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable being creative? Maybe I've spoiled him? I don't know.

[theretohere]

Honestly, I'd be bothered. College is full of things you have to do. Most jobs are full of things you have to do. Life, for that matter, is full of things you have to do (like pay taxes).
I'd explore it further with him and introduce the concept of working within a system and as part of a team.

[LovemyBoo]

He's 8, I wouldn't be worried about it unless it emerges as a pattern and it starts costing him things he enjoys.

If he only does it for writing, I'd definitely let it go and give him more time. Perhaps you could provide writing opportunities where he doesn't have to do it. My son loved the "Make Your Own Comic Book" kit I got him. Perhaps if you get something like that for your son and just leave it lying around with no expectations, he'll take it up on his own.

If he does this consistently and it's not just about writing, I would no longer pay for those kinds of classes. It's okay once in awhile to sign up for something only to discover you don't like it. But it's not okay to do all the time. There is such as thing as making a commitment and sticking with it.

So if this is only a writing thing, I wouldn't worry. He probably needs more time. If this is something he does consistently with other things as well as writing, I'd just make it clear that not sticking with commitments carries consequences, and I wouldn't pay for anymore classes unless he agreed to stick it out and do what is reasonable for the class.

[moodymaximus]

i wouldn't be bothered at all if he's confident with his decision. i think he handled the situation in a mature way. good for him!

[onlyzombiecat]

Neither bothered nor reassured.

This was not college or a job. It was meant to be fun and he is a child. Your ds's idea of fun is just not writing at this point.

I don't think it indicates much else.

[elizawill]

lisa, i think the answer is going to be unique to each parent and their personal expectations of their children. i definitely would have been concerned if my dd responded that way, but honestly, it would have been so out of character for her that i would assume it occurred for a good reason. we would simply discuss what happened & reflect on it from a few different angles. i'd reiterate that group classes or projects require equal participation and often a teacher does facilitate and instruct. since your son didn't want to take the class in the first place though, i'm not surprised that he wasn't interested in being told what to do and didn't want to join in, ykwim?

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

So, I ask my son why he wouldn't participate in the project and he says "teachers don't usually ask me to do stuff." and I say, "yes, but that was a group thing and she asked you to do it." and he responded with "Yeah, but I don't like when they ask me to do stuff that I don't want to do and usually teachers don't ask me to do anything."

So what has he been doing in the other classes? I'd find out before signing him up for any more classes.

[Lillian J]

I wouldn't be bothered in the least - I'd be reassured . I think being able to quietly stand your ground as a child over insignificant things like that is a sign of good potential for being able to do so later in life when it really matters.

And not only was the class not his idea, but you told him it was just for fun - so to expect him to go along with everything going on it it, even when he didn't see any point in it, would seem unrealistic and unfair.

Add to that the fact that he's only eight, and there's realistically no reason why he needs to be put in classes where those kinds of demands are being made on him, and I kind of think he probably feels that. When he's a lot older, and he has real classes with real reasons for requirements, it will be no big deal for him to understand the necessity to cooperate. - Lillian

[chaoticzenmom]

Thanks all. I knew I'd get some perspective here

As for his other classes, they're classes where he can participate or not and won't get called out either way. They're classes where the kids aren't really sitting still, so I can drop into those classes without disturbing much. His guitar lessons are different and of course he has to participate. The hands on science class is just for fun and actually, he'll draw models of cells and such when he's copying off the board. I didn't really think about that until you (saphire chan) said what you did. Then, I realized that he does actually participate in other classes.

Thanks for the reassurances and the concerns. It helps me see this situation more clearly.

Thanks!
Lisa

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

As for his other classes, they're classes where he can participate or not and won't get called out either way.

Ah! So that makes a lot more sense of it. He's used to classes where he has a choice, and he was reacting accordingly with this one. And being only 8 and not having been in school, it's perfectly understandable that he didn't have a prior sense of everything being obligatory.

Glad you're feeling better about it. Lillian

[chaoticzenmom]

Thanks Lillian. I guess we all have those moments of insecurity when we're sure that we've messed our kids up for life.LOL It's so nice to be able to come here for ideas and reassurance.

Lisa

[milkybean]

FWIW I once took a class that I desperately wanted to do, a performing class with singing, dancing, and acting. And at the end I absolutely freaked out. Turns out I actually needed glasses, which is why I couldn't figure out the dancing part, and I was having a block about learning lines so I kept sitting out the acting part until the class had no more sessions left. Only did the singing part (which was WEIRD b/c I never had done any singing and it turned out I was good!).

I wanted to do the class, and I was a school-schooled kid, but I sat out 2/3 of it. Weird!


"He also does this thing where if you ask him something and he's not in the mood to talk, he will just ignore the person talking to him."

That's my brother. He's 36 and is a very strong person. You couldn't talk him into doing something he doesn't want to no matter what you did (well, if you threatened his cats or his wife, maybe, but he'd probably just figure out a way to protect them anyway and still not do it). He changed his name when he was in high school then legally in college, and if you say his old name now by accident, it's as though you didn't speak. As though you don't even exist. It's a little disconcerting to others, but HE is fine and healthy and the strongest person I know, personality-wise!

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

I would be agravated....some times life is about being a team player. He definantly was not being a teem player on the project.

Some times you do thing even if you don't like it because the end result. If you don't get messy you never get to see the end result.

Some times you do things even if you don't want to.

I also think it is time to back track and teach your son how to handle the situation. He should have talked to you. At the same time you should have been talking to him and the teacher. The teacher should have brought it up to you.

I agree with all of this.

Anytime we get involved with classes outside the home my children are told they have to stick it out. Unless there is a big problem or there is an opportunity to cancel at some point then we stick with anything we do. There are times that "I" want to give up on things we are doing due to the stress level involved but we keep chugging away til the end of the 4-week, 6-week or semester session of the class. I think it's important that children realize they need to finish what they start, whether it seems hard or not because in the end I've found that they usually end up loving the class they started out disliking.

[kathymuggle]

I would be both.

I would be very happy they were able to assert themselves - and with an adult. I would definately convey this message to them.

OTOH - his decision to assert himself in this instant means he may have missed out on a good experience. You only get out of things what you put in, it is important to go into things with an open mind and it is reasonable to expect to give something a try before quitting.

True story (and a tangent, but it illustrates my point below) : I was holding a newborn and a bunch of packages. Things were literally in danger of falling out of my hands. I called to my friends daughter (about 8) and said "can you please help me?" She said "no, I do no want to help you at the moment". I was impressed, and irked. Impressed by the assertiveness, but annoyed because of the lack of judgement. Yes she was exercising her assertiveness, but at the cost of not being helpful to someone truly in need.

So...I like being able to speak up for yourself, but I want it temperrred with judgement and reason, yk?

Another thought: I would be careful with your words and expectations next time.

If it really is "just for fun" - that is fine, but know he may drop out of it does not live up to his idea of "fun".

If it is for academic reasons - tell him. Be clear with your expectations -even if they are "As long as the teacher has not made unreasonable demands, I expect you to do the work".

HTH

Kathy