Managing tandem - toddler and newborn

[Lula'sMamala]

I have tried to find all similar posts first and have gotten some good ideas, but just wanted to check:

If you want to limit the older child's nursing so as not to be nursing all day and night, is it better to (1) limit to certain times of day or (2) nurse many times a day but only for a short period (e.g. count to 20)?

DD1 is 28 mo. and had cut her nursing down to early mornings and just before bed only, with occasional short sessions for comfort after a fall or another scare. DD2 is 4 weeks old and we have all been suffering through terrible tantrums from DD1 who says the num-nums are "hers" and gets VERY angry and upset when I say we only nurse at those two times of the day (morning and evening), not on demand.

This has been very painful for everyone, and I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better to let her nurse briefly but more often. The difficulty is that this seems arbitrary - how can she (or I) understand when I say yes and when I say no - won't she just throw a tantrum any time I say "no" ? - and if it doesn't work, how do we go back to the regular times?

I am not interested in weaning her now, as she is clearly not ready and I don't want her to blame her little sister, but I am feeling angry and resentful instead of enjoying nursing her as I always have.

I appreciate your help and advice, mamas!

Thanks!

-Tracy

[Nan'sMom]

Originally Posted by Lula'sMamala

If you want to limit the older child's nursing so as not to be nursing all day and night, is it better to (1) limit to certain times of day or (2) nurse many times a day but only for a short period (e.g. count to 20)?

-Tracy

I'm triandeming but with older children than yours and my baby is 11 weeks old. I find short periods works better but my nurslings are older than yours so that may make a difference. Dd1 and nurses short sessions 1-3 times per day. Dd2 is almost 3 and with her I try to honor most nursing requests but will often say "I'll give you 10 nursie" (or 5 or whatever). Sometimes she'll request "a lot" or "5 more"and I try to honor these requests if possible. Sometimes I can't nurse her when she wants and she gets very upset but we try our best. I also try to give both of the older ones a very long session at least once a day (a few more than that usually for dd2) when it's a good time for all of us, like when dd3 is asleep.

I try to think in terms of mutual cooperation about it as much as possible. I also try to make sure there's a lot of good food around, as this helps too. Dd2 will often come to nurse when she's hungry. I've had the most success suggesting foods she can eat when she is done and then going with her right away to get them.

Tandem can be crazy and great and trying at different times. Hang in there...one does get into a rhythm!

[Dov'sMom]

My DS1 was only 14 months when DS2 was born, and so "limits" mostly meant that DH dragged him screaming out of my bedroom when the baby was starving and I just couldn't nurse them together those first few weeks. After a couple of weeks, I perfected the true "tandem" and DS2 basically nursed as much as DS1.

BUT, maybe around 18? 20? months, DS1 was able to understand the idea of limiting his nursing time, and from then on we've been doing that. For him, limiting to twice a day or thrice a day would feell ike major rejection; oftentimes, all he needs is the security that the breast is available -- as in, he begs to nurse at an inopportune time; if I say no, he gets very anxious and unhappy and eventually tantrums; if I say yes, but only till I count to ten, he latches on and often latches back off again before I get there, happy as a lark. At 28 months, your LO should be able to do the shorter periods.

[*Karen*]

I found that AT FIRST that it was best to let my toddler nurse often for short periods of time. Then when DD was a few months old I started limiting DS to sleep time or when he is hurt. But I am interested in have him done by the time he is three.

[motherearthdancer]

Ds1 was 2.5 when ds2 was born. Ds1 will be 4 on the 26th of this month & ds2 will be 15 month...whew!

They both nurse quite a bit. Earily on it was easier to let ds1 nurse on demand...we had a few limits when I would say "yes, after you do this" & distract with said things or okay, but only for a moment. I will count to 20 then time is up! This way I didn't say no. Now that they are older I'm convinced ds2 will wean before ds1. Lol! They are complete different nurslings! Ds1 is really attached to nursing as bonding & snuggle time but otherwise ianyb much of a cuddlebug. Ds2 only nurses for hunger & rarely for comfort & loves to be snuggled without nursing! Too funny!

[Aletheia]

I've got two two years apart, and the two year old requests to nurse ALL THE TIME. So I hear you.

It sounds like you are a scheduled person, like me. So it might be easier for you (because your needs matter too!) not just to shift to short sessions whenever your toddler requests them, but scheduling in a couple other nursing sessions (of whatever length you choose) that you both can count on. For DS1, these are:

• upon waking
• before nap
• after nap
• "when the clock says 4"

I handle his many other requests by first thinking about why he is asking. Is he hungry? thirsty? needy? And by then thinking about my needs. Would I feel better if I spent my energy diverting his request to something else, or if I allowed myself permission to sit down and spend a few minutes reminding myself why I love my 2 year old, even if it means the 3 month old is trying to swallow my finger for a couple of minutes? The answer changes every hour!

PS- I've also heard that LO1 will ask to nurse more after LO2's arrival but will taper down after two or so months. That hasn't been the case here, but it might be yours. Granted, you still have to make it through those two months...

[yarngoddess]

I have 4 kids. I tandem nursed 1&2 for 6 months when DS1 weaned himself at 2 1/2. Then when DS4 was born DD3 was only 12months2weeks. SO- they have been tandem nursing going on 22months!

My advice is this. IF the older one wants to nurse- nurse. Setting limits is only causing anxiety and anger. The 'novelty' of nursing all the time will wear off and your older one will be happier.

There is a lot going on when a new baby comes into the picture. It's difficult for the older kdis to understand that they are still loved and that everything is going to be 'ok'. Add taking away "THEIR" boob's is another MAJOR issue. And honestly it's an issue that YOU can stop. It's an issue that you can say "hey baby- it's ok. Momma can nurse BOTH of you." and I PROMISE that the bond of nursing 2 at the same time will amaze even the most seasoned mother. Both of my tandem nursers are almost like twins. They have a special bond that is ONLY for them. They hold hands more than other siblings, and they connect on a totally different way. Spiritual. And I feel honored to have given them that start- by SHARING my breastmilk.

Congrats on Tandem nursing. I know it's hard. I know that there are days when you want to have your own tantrum. You are doing an AMAZING thing for these babies! Take a moment and feel how WONDERFUL and AMAZING you REALLY are! Rock On Momma!!!

[kohlby]

It varies from child to child. For my son, it's always worked well to do a countdown when I was ready to be done. I didn't have a set amount of nursing in mind - I played it by ear. Sometimes he did need more than other times so I adapted. I did have the rule of no nursing if we weren't at the house other than "emergency breastfeeds," but I started that before we were tandeming. I also started the 10 second countdown beforehand to get through nursing while pg. I offered breastmilk MORE often to my older nursling once baby was born. Add in the increase in supply, and he thought DD was the best thing ever!

I did set limits with my older child, but he's the type who would nurse 24/7 if I let him - and there was no way I could handle extended nursing without limits. I relaxed the limits somewhat once DD was born, but still had some in place. (DS was almost 3 when DD was born, so definately old enough to do well with limits). I tandem nursed for 25 months and it was ridiculousy easy. I think what helped the most was the DS was used to the 10 second countdown and limits beforehand so the transition was easy - since I was letting him nurse more!

I am concerned about nursing two more this time though since my current nusling only nurses at night 3-4 times. DS was nightweaned until DD was 2 months old, so night tandeming was pretty easy at that point. I'm concerned about how to night nurse two post c-section, especially since DD is in a mommy-only phase. DS was in a daddy-only phase when DD was born, which also helped the transition.