DS coming home smelling like smoke!

[soccermama]

My mother is a smoker, has been for close to 30 years. While I know she would never smoke around DS, just about every time he stays at their house for the night, he comes home smelling like smoke. Just this past weekend, he spent the night and H had noticed it, too, and sent me a text stating "it's pretty awesome when your kid comes home smelling like he spent the night in a bar".

This really needs to come to an end. While my concern is with her smoking and the fact that she continues to talk about quitting - my grandmother passed away last year at the young age of 80 and my mother swore up and down that she didn't want to end up that way and vowed to try and quit - my main concern is the effect that it's having on my son's health!!!

How do I approach this matter with my mother without saying it in a furious tone but more in a concern tone? I'm just afraid that my emotions will get the best of me and it will get ugly. This is the same woman who lit up several times around me while I was pregnant with DS- when she did this, I shot her a look and said "are you serious?" then she put it out the cigarette.

Would it necessarily have to come down to an ultamatium? Either you quit smoking or DS can no longer stay over at your house.....

[4evermom]

Our clothes always smelled like smoke after visiting the inlaws even if they didn't smoke while we were there. Unless your mom switches to always smoking outside, the inside air quality isn't going to be the best. My MIL always kept windows cracked but it still wasn't enough. And of course, smokers aren't that sensitive to the smell and might not be aware of how bad it is. We don't have much contact for other reasons so it hasn't been a problem for us, though.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

Our clothes always smelled like smoke after visiting the inlaws even if they didn't smoke while we were there. Unless your mom switches to always smoking outside, the inside air quality isn't going to be the best. My MIL always kept windows cracked but it still wasn't enough. And of course, smokers aren't that sensitive to the smell and might not be aware of how bad it is. We don't have much contact for other reasons so it hasn't been a problem for us, though.

i agree. i dont smoke but DH does. he doesnt do it inside and we smell fine. if i go to a friends house who smokes inside, even if they dont do it while i am there, i still smell like it and it is nasty. you cant make anyone quit, but you can say that unless she starts doing it outside all the time, even when you are not there, that your DS cant stay the night anymore. you fear for his health b/c of the 2nd hand smoke. and it is a concern b/c te smoke clings to everything! wallpaper, couches, paint, etc. it is everywhere. jmo

[lasciate]

Even if she quit smoking he's still going to smell after spending time over there - the house has years of smoke residue in it. My parents are smokers and they never smoke when we visit, and they haven't smoked in the house in years, yet a short visit leaves us smelling of smoke. We come home, toss all our clothes in the wash and shower immediately.

Either you live with the smoke smell or stop sending him over there.

[baileyann3]

i dont think it is threatening. youre looking out for the health of your son, your his mother thats your job. second hand smoke kills (excuse my clique)

tell your mom to get on board, and being able to spend the night with her grandson is great incentive.

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by baileyann3

i dont think it is threatening. youre looking out for the health of your son, your his mother thats your job. second hand smoke kills (excuse my clique)

tell your mom to get on board, and being able to spend the night with her grandson is great incentive.

Absolutely, but how do I approach this subject with my mother??....

[baileyann3]

i guess it depends on your relationship..

did you ever smoke? or did you have to quit anything when you became pregnant? this is my best ploy. i quit.. well everything when i got pregnant. so i would say, i didnt go through the TROUBLE (as if that is accurate portrayal of how hard it was to quit) of quiting for my daughter, to have her come over here and ingest your smoke.

i would ask your mom to discuss something, and tell her you are really worried about the environment she is making for her grandson. not only are you worried about her heath, you are worried about your sons. you can't force anything on anyone, but you do get to control the amount of toxins your son ingests, and you are not willing to risk his health. something will have to change before your son can sleep over again. she is more than welcome to go to your house to visit, and you can go out together to hang out, but you are not willing to let him be exposed anymore. I'm sorry, i love you. i am willing to help in anyway.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by pookie50104

Either you quit smoking or DS can no longer stay over at your house.....

You can't force her to quit smoking, but you can make an unbending rule that she is not to smoke around your DS, and if she's unable to stick to that then she unfortunately can't spend any unsupervised time with him. Although I agree with other posters -- the smell could easily come from him just being in her house, even if she's not actively smoking around him.

If you think she's lying to you about not smoking around him, maybe their visits should be at your house. But if you trust her to answer you truthfully when you ask her about it and the smell is just coming from the residue in her home, I guess you need to decide whether that exposure is okay with you or not.

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by baileyann3

i guess it depends on your relationship..

did you ever smoke? or did you have to quit anything when you became pregnant? this is my best ploy. i quit.. well everything when i got pregnant. so i would say, i didnt go through the TROUBLE (as if that is accurate portrayal of how hard it was to quit) of quiting for my daughter, to have her come over here and ingest your smoke.

i would ask your mom to discuss something, and tell her you are really worried about the environment she is making for her grandson. not only are you worried about her heath, you are worried about your sons. you can't force anything on anyone, but you do get to control the amount of toxins your son ingests, and you are not willing to risk his health. something will have to change before your son can sleep over again. she is more than welcome to go to your house to visit, and you can go out together to hang out, but you are not willing to let him be exposed anymore. I'm sorry, i love you. i am willing to help in anyway.

I did and had tappered off quite a bit/practically quit before I found out that I was pg with DS. There have been a few occassions where H and I have had one here or there when we're out with friends at a bar or a party, but never in our house, car, and never, ever around DS!!! So I can somewhat relate to how hard it would be to quit altogether, but all I'm asking for is that she refrain from partaking while DS is at the house for an overnight visit. If that cannot be done, then I'm sorry, but we'll have to find other ways for her to visit DS or we can always take him to my inlaws house instead. We try to take turns between the two sets of grandparents but it always seems that my parents are more available then H's parents are.

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by limabean

You can't force her to quit smoking, but you can make an unbending rule that she is not to smoke around your DS, and if she's unable to stick to that then she unfortunately can't spend any unsupervised time with him. Although I agree with other posters -- the smell could easily come from him just being in her house, even if she's not actively smoking around him.

If you think she's lying to you about not smoking around him, maybe their visits should be at your house. But if you trust her to answer you truthfully when you ask her about it and the smell is just coming from the residue in her home, I guess you need to decide whether that exposure is okay with you or not.

Wow - I never imagined that it would have to come down to unsupervised time.....that just seems crazy to me. Growing up, she smoked around me and so did my grandmother and all of my aunts and uncles and it never occurred to her or my father that this was a bad thing. It's amazing how the tables are turned now and I'm on the other end - it's as though I'm the parent to my own mother - if that makes any sense. This is whole other post, but since I had DS, I've certainly become more aware of what my parents do and how they approach certain things.... I feel extremely grown up!

[spero]

Ah, yes. We have dealt with this for years ... coming home from my mother's house and fighting over who gets to shower first.

Originally Posted by pookie50104

While my concern is with her smoking and the fact that she continues to talk about quitting - my grandmother passed away last year at the young age of 80 and my mother swore up and down that she didn't want to end up that way

My g'ma died several years ago at the VERY young age of 75 after a years-long battle with emphysema. We all witnessed her suffering as she slowly and painfully suffocated to death. Meanwhile, my mother and her sister continued to puff away. I angrily confronted my mother and asked, Is this what you want to put your children and your grandchildren through? Because you are heading down the same road. She has claimed for years that she wants to quit, but I just haven't seen it. I KNOW it's hard. I GET that. I have food addiction, it's damn hard for me not to eat all. the. time. But I don't want to be overweight and I don't want to ruin my health, so I have to constantly work at fighting my addiction.

My mom's health has rapidly deteriorated over the past several years. That telltale wet cough is now a chronic, every-day-all-the-time thing. Her immune system is shot. She can barely walk 50 feet without getting winded. Once beautiful and vibrant, now she's sallow and looks older than she is. And she's only 64 years old. She's been smoking for almost 50 of those years.

Either you quit smoking or DS can no longer stay over at your house.....

Your mother sounds a lot like mine, which means you can give her ultimatums but she probably won't get it. My mom thinks that some Febreeze and freshly-washed clothes make it all better when we visit. She doesn't smell the odor. She doesn't get that her WASHING MACHINE smells like cigarette smoke. She doesn't understand why we are so sensitive to the awful stink ... because it isn't awful to her, her nose is so deadened to the smell. She doesn't understand that her 40-year old carpet is constantly giving off that stale smoke stench.

I've limited non-emergency overnights at g'ma's house. She knows exactly why. We don't discuss it anymore ... she thinks it's ridiculous, but she knows better than to tell me that. My youngest, who had a collapsed lung at birth, has never spent the night there, and I told my mother early on that she wouldn't. The kids hate the smell and are torn between the fun of spending time w/g'ma vs the stink that makes them sick.

It's her house, and she has the right to smoke in it. I can't make her stop. But she knows why we rarely visit, esp in the winter months, so she can't complain. She knows she can come over here, instead.

Originally Posted by lasciate

Either you live with the smoke smell or stop sending him over there.

:

Originally Posted by pookie50104

Absolutely, but how do I approach this subject with my mother??....

From my experience, you don't. You aren't going to change her mind, and that's not your job anyway. Let her know that her grandson won't be spending the night anymore, and why. And leave it at that. If she's upset, it's HER problem, not yours.

[primjillie]

My mil or mom don't get it either. My mom is pretty good about refraining while we are there or going outside, but we had to stop going to the in laws because it was so bad. You can smell the smoke from OUTSIDE their house, that is how bad it is. We just see them at other relative's houses or go out to eat.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by pookie50104

Absolutely, but how do I approach this subject with my mother??....

"Hey mom... I know you love ds and I know he loves you. I would never want to come between your relationship. But I am his mother and I'm putting my foot down. There will be no smoking around ds (or whatever you want from this)."

Everyone around us is very clear that Owen WILL NOT be allowed around people who are smoking. He will not be in a car that someone has smoked in. He will not be allowed in a house where people smoke (whether they smoke when he's there or not, doesn't matter). If anyone has a problem with this, I just pull out the good old court order stating neither parent is to allow him in a place where there's smoke (or has been smoke).

The court order was originally put in place when ds was a baby because he had breathing difficulties (croup twice within the first 4 months of his life, many respiratory infections, ear infections, etc) and ex refused to believe (despite what the dr said) that it could *possibly* have to do with him smoking around ds, bringing ds to a house where people smoke, etc. So when we went to court the Judge put in our order that no-one was to smoke around ds and neither of us were to allow ds to be around someone who was smoking or allow ds to be in a car/house/etc where someone had been smoking.

Unfortunately now ds has an inhaler and we're looking at diagnosing him with asthma. I should have stopped the whole smoke issue long before I did

[soccermama]

Thank you to all of the mamas that have posted a reply to this thread. I had no idea there were so many of you going through or have gone through the same thing that I am. I'm hoping to talk to my mother about this tonight or some time this week. Wish me luck.

[rainbowmoon]

I am having the same sort of problem but mine is just simply visiting. We stayed at my mom's for a week and my stuff still reeks of smoke. I am so sickened..to top it off they have 3 kids under 6yo living in the house and have absolutely no regard for their health. This is namely my sister (the children's mother) but is my mother's homes and she allows it, thoughh she smokes outside for the most part my sis smokes inside.

[aspenleaves]

Hi, I have only seen one small mention of the relationship between you DS and his grandma and I want to comment on that. But first, I am in the same situation. My mom smokes and smokes. Everything reeks and is nicotine stained and it is difficult for us to travel and stay with her. She does not smoke in her house when we visit, but as said before that makes little change to the home except for the actual physical smoke while smoking.

Anyway, I would NEVER consider not visiting with my children... I think their relationship emotionally with thier grandma is far more important than smelling stale smoke for a week or two a few times a year.... I understand everyone has their boundaries and concerns but I wouldn't jeapordize a relationship with my mother or between my children and thier grandparent just because of smoking. THere are ways to approach it so that you gain ground, like opeining windows, spending the evening but not sleeping over, doing it less often, etc... Maybe having the conversation about 'don't you think it would be a good idea to cut down, just smoke outside" then you can go in and clean house thoroughly and etc.. etc...

My sister's two boys were half raised by my mom who smoked indoors, as wall as all of us who were raised indoors with a smoker.... we are all in good health and almost no one smokes. I know we don't know what the future holds as far as our health goes, but I think a lot of people are way over cautious (like some of the pp's) when it comes to 2nd hand smoke. Again it is a matter of coarse where you stand, but I wouldn't do anything rash 'just in case' or because you have to bathe and wash all your son's clothes when he comes home....

Just my two cents.

[ShwarmaQueen]

Originally Posted by aspenleaves

Anyway, I would NEVER consider not visiting with my children... I think their relationship emotionally with thier grandma is far more important than smelling stale smoke for a week or two a few times a year.... I understand everyone has their boundaries and concerns but I wouldn't jeapordize a relationship with my mother or between my children and thier grandparent just because of smoking. THere are ways to approach it so that you gain ground, like opeining windows, spending the evening but not sleeping over, doing it less often, etc... Maybe having the conversation about 'don't you think it would be a good idea to cut down, just smoke outside" then you can go in and clean house thoroughly and etc.. etc...

:

[Maeve]

I personally wouldn't send my kids over. Even if she is not smoking around them, if she is smoking inside it is still a health issue. You don't have to be inhaling the smoke from someone sitting right next to you, just the residue from them smoking hours before is bad enough. It is still in the house.
My kids health comes first.

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by aspenleaves

Hi, I have only seen one small mention of the relationship between you DS and his grandma and I want to comment on that. But first, I am in the same situation. My mom smokes and smokes. Everything reeks and is nicotine stained and it is difficult for us to travel and stay with her. She does not smoke in her house when we visit, but as said before that makes little change to the home except for the actual physical smoke while smoking.

Anyway, I would NEVER consider not visiting with my children... I think their relationship emotionally with thier grandma is far more important than smelling stale smoke for a week or two a few times a year.... I understand everyone has their boundaries and concerns but I wouldn't jeapordize a relationship with my mother or between my children and thier grandparent just because of smoking. THere are ways to approach it so that you gain ground, like opeining windows, spending the evening but not sleeping over, doing it less often, etc... Maybe having the conversation about 'don't you think it would be a good idea to cut down, just smoke outside" then you can go in and clean house thoroughly and etc.. etc...

My sister's two boys were half raised by my mom who smoked indoors, as wall as all of us who were raised indoors with a smoker.... we are all in good health and almost no one smokes. I know we don't know what the future holds as far as our health goes, but I think a lot of people are way over cautious (like some of the pp's) when it comes to 2nd hand smoke. Again it is a matter of coarse where you stand, but I wouldn't do anything rash 'just in case' or because you have to bathe and wash all your son's clothes when he comes home....

Just my two cents.

I agree, that's why this is such a difficult topic of conversation with my mother. She ADORES DS and the feeling is mutual with him. He looks forward to going over to my parents house. I'm not wanting to jeopardize my relationship or hers with DS, for that matter, but something needs to be said/done about this - I would never threatened her or really let it come down to an ultamatium, but compromises need to be taken into consideration and I'm sure that she will agree to this - it's just getting the conversation started without any hurt feelings or tension.

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by Maeve

I personally wouldn't send my kids over. Even if she is not smoking around them, if she is smoking inside it is still a health issue. You don't have to be inhaling the smoke from someone sitting right next to you, just the residue from them smoking hours before is bad enough. It is still in the house.
My kids health comes first.

My MIL said the same thing and I didn't realize that until she said so.