DS coming home smelling like smoke! - Page 2

[Nautical]

My Dh and I were this position and actually had a great outcome. Our parents live in the same town that is 17 hours away from us. Whenever we visit we always stay with his parents because they don't smoke. Visits with my family in a smoking household were always kept short and we would sometimes leave early because of smoke headaches. Then we would race each other to the shower and immediately put all of our clothes in the wash. We didn't even wear coats to their house in the winter. My parents were always jealous of the time that we spent with Dh's parents and I let them know it was because we wouldn't stay in a house with smoking.

When I told my parents that were having a baby, my mom asked if we would stay with them for the holidays, and I told her that we didn't feel comfortable having our children in an environment where smoking had taken place. I thought that my parents would just be angry over this and that it would be a sticking point for years. To my surprise they both decided to quit smoking (as did my 70-year-old grandma), and our child no longer has any smoking relatives! Not only that, they got rid of their carpet, mattresses, sofas, and other soft surfaces, and they repainted the interior walls of the house. This reaction was so unexpected I felt like we were living in the Twilight Zone. However, sometimes seeing the big picture of not spending equal time with the grandchildren is enough of a boost.

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by Nautical

My Dh and I were this position and actually had a great outcome. Our parents live in the same town that is 17 hours away from us. Whenever we visit we always stay with his parents because they don't smoke. Visits with my family in a smoking household were always kept short and we would sometimes leave early because of smoke headaches. Then we would race each other to the shower and immediately put all of our clothes in the wash. We didn't even wear coats to their house in the winter. My parents were always jealous of the time that we spent with Dh's parents and I let them know it was because we wouldn't stay in a house with smoking.

When I told my parents that were having a baby, my mom asked if we would stay with them for the holidays, and I told her that we didn't feel comfortable having our children in an environment where smoking had taken place. I thought that my parents would just be angry over this and that it would be a sticking point for years. To my surprise they both decided to quit smoking (as did my 70-year-old grandma), and our child no longer has any smoking relatives! Not only that, they got rid of their carpet, mattresses, sofas, and other soft surfaces, and they repainted the interior walls of the house. This reaction was so unexpected I felt like we were living in the Twilight Zone. However, sometimes seeing the big picture of not spending equal time with the grandchildren is enough of a boost.

Wow - that's amazing! What a story!!

[limabean]

pookie, I'm not clear on something -- do you think your mom is smoking around your DS, or do you think he just smells like smoke from being in her house?

I understand that smoking around him is a deal-breaker, but if she's already not smoking around him, what are you looking for her to change, behavior-wise?

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by limabean

pookie, I'm not clear on something -- do you think your mom is smoking around your DS, or do you think he just smells like smoke from being in her house?

I understand that smoking around him is a deal-breaker, but if she's already not smoking around him, what are you looking for her to change, behavior-wise?

Well, actually, both. I know he smells like smoke from being in her car, in his car seat, because she leaves the car seat in her car at all times and has always smoked in her cars. But for his hair and clothes to smell like smoke, that means to me that she's either smoking around him or smoked in a room of the house and he walked in to it, whatever the case may be, I'm looking for her to refrain from smoking altogether while he is over at their house for an overnight stay. I would LOVE for her to quit altogether, but that has been a battle for quite some time and I honestly think that she won't quit until she gets a scare of her own. I thought the fact that we were in the same room as my grandmother when she passed, watching her suffer and have machines breathe for her, would've done the trick, but it didn't.

[lasciate]

Originally Posted by pookie50104

Well, actually, both. I know he smells like smoke from being in her car, in his car seat, because she leaves the car seat in her car at all times and has always smoked in her cars. But for his hair and clothes to smell like smoke, that means to me that she's either smoking around him or smoked in a room of the house and he walked in to it, whatever the case may be, I'm looking for her to refrain from smoking altogether while he is over at their house for an overnight stay. I would LOVE for her to quit altogether, but that has been a battle for quite some time and I honestly think that she won't quit until she gets a scare of her own. I thought the fact that we were in the same room as my grandmother when she passed, watching her suffer and have machines breathe for her, would've done the trick, but it didn't.

Actually, all it takes is sitting on the furniture for his clothes to pick up the smoke smell. His hair will pick up the smell just from the old smoke residue in the house.

I speak from experience.

[Maeve]

That's true and it's not healthy.

[spero]

Originally Posted by aspenleaves

Anyway, I would NEVER consider not visiting with my children... I think their relationship emotionally with thier grandma is far more important than smelling stale smoke for a week or two a few times a year

While a relationship w/g'ma is of utmost importance, the above makes me glad my own mom lives close by. If I had to travel/visit for a week or two, I'd have to stay in a motel.

We all (esp DH) get physically sick from the stench at my mother's house. Even the food prepared there sometimes tastes like cigarette smoke.

then you can go in and clean house thoroughly

You cannot clean the smell out of a smoker's home. My mother's house is immaculately clean, but it still stinks.

My sister's two boys were half raised by my mom who smoked indoors, as wall as all of us who were raised indoors with a smoker.... we are all in good health and almost no one smokes. I know we don't know what the future holds as far as our health goes, but I think a lot of people are way over cautious (like some of the pp's) when it comes to 2nd hand smoke.

I have to disagree.

I was raised by two smoking parents, many of our relatives smoked, and I do feel that my health and esp my brother's (NO immune system) was compromised. Yes, I'm generally healthy now, but I think that's from being out of the smoking home for 20+ years.

We now know the dangers from secondhand smoke that we didn't know before - just like we discovered that smoking itself is an unhealthy habit, and not the "Good for You!" thing doctors used to believe it was.

Originally Posted by pookie50104

thought the fact that we were in the same room as my grandmother when she passed, watching her suffer and have machines breathe for her, would've done the trick, but it didn't.

Nope, that didn't work for my mom, either. She's heading right down that same smoky, slippery path. When my grandmother was fighting for every breath in the hospital, and too weak to even stand up, the first thing she would do when my mother arrived was insist that someone put her in a wheelchair so my mom could take her outdoors for a smoke.

[meemee]

pookie it seems like its becoming an issue with your dh too.

i can totally relate to how torn you feel.

instead of giving an ultimatum to your mom or even bring up what your mom should do - you should just lay your concerns on the table.

if she is smoking in the car then seh must be smoking in the house.

she probably doesnt smoke around your ds. i wouldnt assume she does.

if her house smells like smoke, even if she stops smoking - its not going to change the smoke smell on your son. my old landlady smoked in her apt. but she didnt smoke when anyone was visiting. and yet even if i was in her apt for just 15 mins i would reek of smoke, my clothes would smell of smoke and so would my hair. mind you even if she hadnt been smoking for a while and there was no haze in the house i would still smell of it just from being in her apt.

so what do you plan to do with the smoke 'damage' in the house? that is if there is any in the house.

i know this is a tough subject but if you really speak from the heart with teh intention of connecting with her - instead of coming from how she is being 'bad' - you at least could be heard.

having smokers in the family i have seen how its such a hard addiction to kick.

would it help to share how california has banned smoking in cars with small children present. so she gets to see how seriously some states take smoking.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by spero

I have to disagree.

I was raised by two smoking parents, many of our relatives smoked, and I do feel that my health and esp my brother's (NO immune system) was compromised. Yes, I'm generally healthy now, but I think that's from being out of the smoking home for 20+ years.

Amazing how much better dh's asthma is. He was hospitalized for it when he was 6. Pretty traumatic for him and his parents didn't quit smoking.

My MIL was always a wonderful housekeeper. She airs out the house constantly and cleans frequently but the smell still lingers.

I used to work in picture framing. When we would take apart a framed picture, it was amazing seeing all the smoke residue that would wipe off the INSIDE of the glass.

[soccermama]

I spoke to my mom about it last night - stated our concerns and she said that she would work on it. So, we'll see. Then she proceeded to confess to me all of these stresses that she's been under, etc., and that's why she cannot quit right now - you really have to know my mom and understand that basically any time she's confronted about anything, she tends to come up with the smallest excuse to make what the problem/situation is that less important or significant....it drives me crazy, but last night, I basically put my foot down - I didn't give any sort of ultimatium, but I did stress how much of a concern it is for H and I to have DS coming home smelling like smoke. My fingers are certainly crossed.

And thanks to ALL of you for your words of wisdom, insight, advice, experience, etc., It's been more than helpful!

[milkybean]

OP, glad you talked to her!

Originally Posted by aspenleaves

I think their relationship emotionally with thier grandma is far more important than smelling stale smoke for a week or two a few times a year....

I don't.


In fact I don't HAVE the choice of my son visiting or not visiting with my mom, as she died before I even met my husband, so maybe I can see the difference between having a dead mother who my son will never know, and cutting down or temporarily off visits until a mother can get it together to be healthy around a kid.


By the way, to someone whose mom died at 55 due to a medical error and misdiagnosis, 80 for a grandma is NOT young at all.


I have asthma and allergies thanks to genetics and my mom smoking all over us. She smoked from 15 to 35...quit at 35, when I was 10, when SHE had an asthma attack so bad she thought she was going to die and couldn't even get the air or strength to call for us or get to a phone. I "only" had allergies then, but in my 20s it went to exercise induced asthma and during pregnancy it went full-blown. My mom was born with asthma, her parents both smoked all over her. My dad smoked until a heart attack, my stepmom still smokes...she's a NICU nurse, isn't that lovely?

I underestimated the disgusting stink in a house with ONE person who smokes outside, and we stayed at my dad's house in '07 for 4 nights. Massive mistake, I had a massive asthma attack. And that's just from someone smoking outside!


Relationship isn't worth the health problems to me...you never know what exposure will throw DS over into asthma...



4evermom, when my mom had her FINAL quit, she cleaned the furniture and went to re-paint the corner of the living room where she smoked. Pulled the furniture away and took down this really cool picture she had hanging in a corner, and was blown away at the soot on the ceiling! She ended up re-painting the whole house, after cleaning the walls and ceiling. She was a true neat-freak Virgo and knew that once she had cleaned that thoroughly she wasn't messing it up again.

When she was around 50 she had a lung xray, and her lungs were as healthy as if she had never smoked. She almost never had asthma attacks either, except when around cats. She was glad for that xray (didn't know what else was in store for her, though ).

[aspenleaves]

I do understand that your childrens health comes first, but I guess I didn't make myself entirely clear. I think emotional health is huge and factors into a persons well being and physical health as much if not more than most other things. I think everyone has to pick their own boundaries in regard to this.

I think most people are pretty aware these days that smoking is just not what it used to be... can't you just say, "mom, the smoking thing really bothers me and I need your help in coming up with ideas and ways that we can minimize our exposure". My mother is in denial big time, like whenever we are leaving to come back home she does all our laundry to make sure I don't have to do it all when we get home.... alas, I wash everything including the suitcases and purses and toys, etc....

Good Luck

[spero]

Originally Posted by milkybean

when my mom had her FINAL quit, she cleaned the furniture and went to re-paint the corner of the living room where she smoked. Pulled the furniture away and took down this really cool picture she had hanging in a corner, and was blown away at the soot on the ceiling!

My mother repainted her kitchen and LR ceiling once every couple of years. When we pointed out that she could avoid that by not smoking, she INSISTED that the soot came from the kerosene heater, not from smoking. Smoker's denial is amazing stuff - she still believes that she's only hurting HERSELF with the smoking.

Originally Posted by aspenleaves

whenever we are leaving to come back home she does all our laundry to make sure I don't have to do it all when we get home....

I always laugh when my mother brings over clothes for the kids and says, "And I washed them, so they won't smell like smoke " - when the clothes DO stink and the plastic bag she brings them in stinks even worse.

- And what is is about tobacco smoke and plastic??????? Omigosh, have you ever noticed how anything plastic just sucks in that stink and doesn't let go?! I once worked as a typesetter/graphic designer ... one of my tasks was computer-designing these huge maintenance manuals from pasted-up odds and ends that other departments put together in a big white plastic binder. One of the guys who did this smoked a pipe (filled with what had to be the cheapest, nastiest tobacco on the planet) in his little dinky basement office with NO windows - I wanted to hurl every time I walked in there, but even worse was that horrible stink that issued forth from the binder that I had to take back to MY desk and smell for days! GAG!!!!!!!!

[rhubarbarin]

How do you know she's smoking around him?

When I go over to my smoker friend's houses, I reek of stale cigarette smoke afterwards just from sitting on the furniture. When you smoke in the house it penetrates everything.

That's why I never hang out with my smoker friends anymore, lol..

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by pookie50104

I spoke to my mom about it last night - stated our concerns and she said that she would work on it. So, we'll see. Then she proceeded to confess to me all of these stresses that she's been under, etc., and that's why she cannot quit right now - you really have to know my mom and understand that basically any time she's confronted about anything, she tends to come up with the smallest excuse to make what the problem/situation is that less important or significant....it drives me crazy, but last night, I basically put my foot down - I didn't give any sort of ultimatium, but I did stress how much of a concern it is for H and I to have DS coming home smelling like smoke. My fingers are certainly crossed.

And thanks to ALL of you for your words of wisdom, insight, advice, experience, etc., It's been more than helpful!

good luck, and i wanted to throw out there that some documented studies might help her understand your position... and i wonder if you can get your ds's urine tested for nicotine after a visit? - that would sure be an eye opener for her..

[soccermama]

Originally Posted by rhubarbarin

How do you know she's smoking around him?

When I go over to my smoker friend's houses, I reek of stale cigarette smoke afterwards just from sitting on the furniture. When you smoke in the house it penetrates everything.

That's why I never hang out with my smoker friends anymore, lol..

I don't know that to be 100% true, but the smell is so strong that it could easily be the case as I've known my mother to smoke in the house while we're there - that's when I take DS outside or we just decide to leave early.