I think I have been taking the silent approach this month -- even with myself. I feel like if I don't think about it or talk about it, then maybe I will have a better chance of the bean sneaking in there... It's helps that I have this remodel to consider, but a pain as well, because there are so many upcoming projects I know i could pull off myself, but they are at a point where I don't know if I will be pregnant. And we are trying to plan Spring Break in March, but again, where will I be physically?
You all know this. The hardest part for me is the limbo of putting life somewhat on-hold.
CD18/3DPO -- never did get a peak reading on the CBFM, but had one day O
on the OPK, so I'm guessing it's in there. I haven't talked about this much but my DH had a vasectomy in May of 2007, and had a reversal in Sept. of 2008. The doc said 98% chance is all good, and during the reversal they saw swimmers, so that looked good. The doc gave us the option of freezing the guys for IVF at a discounted rate if we did it during the operation, but we opted not to -- wish we had. DH still has not officially had his sperm count. If things don't take this month, we will start down the road of options.
I waver daily about wanting a baby. I mean, I do, but my heart breaks. I wonder what I am doing to myself. I analyze my motives. Torture myself, basically. Would I be fine without a biological child with my husband? I have one bio, he has 3 bio all ages 8, 9, 10 and 12. (9 is mine - just turned on Jan 4).
I don't have a great deal of petulant thoughts. Like, "Why me, why not me" But this is one of those things. I had a dream of having more than one child. I wanted 2-3, all around the same age. Now, if I get pregnant relatively soon, my son will be 10 when his sibling is born. We all know this mantra coming up... DH and I could relax at 50-55 and travel and and... or we could have a baby and put that off for 10 years.
Well, we traveled a lot this past year. We took the kids with us to India and England and they did great and learned a lot. We know we can travel with young people, so, why not a baby?
My monkey mind. So, it keeps coming back to me wanting a baby. I guess I think of these other things in case I can't get pregnant.
I find myself becoming nervous about physically being pregnant as well! I am such a strong woman in personality and physically, but I feel myself questioning this body. It was 10 years ago that I got pregnant with my son, and I had no concerns or fear then. I think it's just the trying that makes me fear defeat.
Well, thanks for listening to my babble -- back to the remodel.