"Bad" language and ILs

[true36]

Sorry so long but I could really use the help, long time reader first post.

We visit my ILs every sunday for about 4 hours. My FIL, 2BIL,and 3 uncles all swear a lot. The N-word is used about 5 times a visit. Vulgar words (many made up and probably to rude to print) are also used. The kids alphabet letters have been used as a game in which the men make "bad" words in a scrabble like pattern. Mad Libs is not used as originally designed. My husband and I have the only children two girls 8months and 2years. I find the laungauge offensize but had never said anything because it is their house. When oldest turned one we had a talk with everyone asking them to turn it down/try not to use that kind of language infront of kids. On Halloween (oldest birthday) I told FIL not to say N-word at my house (he was holding the birthday girl when he said it!) he got so mad, him and MIL left soon after. MIL does not use racial slurs and is not homophobic (I forgot to mention all that too!) occasionally she uses the vulgar/swear words.If everyone kept it to her level I would be happy. She will not speak bad about FIL or her boys infront of them but has admitted to others that they shouldn't speak like this.

So what do I do? People are not to say it in my house and will be corrected when they do. We MUST go over their house. Husband LOVES his family though he does not share their views. He thinks children will be fine because we will tell them how wrong it is. And after all "he grew up fine" hahahaha brothers did NOT is what I say.

any creative ways of dealing with this/things I can say? Nothing too snotty. Any other points I could bring up besides the fact its so terribly wrong?


THANKS

[2cutiekitties]

I guess I am spoiled on issues like this because my hubby has the same view I do and is so good about "stating his case."

If I were in your shoes, I would tell you hubby that he can go over there but you and the kids will not until the language is cleaned up. He is kidding himself if he thinks it will not rub off on the young ones. You are the mother, it is your job to protect the cubs.

[Collinsky]

I would personally let the foul language (the four letter words) slide without hesitation, and talk with your children about those words that they may hear and repeat when the time comes. It's not been a big deal for us.

I would speak up about racist, sexist, or homophobic language/jokes though. IMO the swear words are probably pretty harmless; it's the ones that normalize an unhealthy worldview that I would focus on eliminating.

My suggestion is to make it clear that you love them, love visiting them, and that you are glad that your children have so much loving family blah blah blah - and you can understand that people have a right to do as they wish in their own homes BUT you also have a right and a responsibility to shield your children from attitudes that you find harmful to them. Therefore you will gladly visit, but if you hear the N word (or other language that is just intolerable) ONCE, from ANYONE, you will leave, and try the visit again another time.

And then when it happens, (because it will happen) cheerfully and sweetly say, "It's time to go, children!" and pack up and leave. "Sorry, we really can't be around that language. We'll see you all again tomorrow/on Thursday/whenever! Love you!" And with a smile on your face, love in your heart, and a boundary clearly laid, leave with no guilt or resentment. And visit them again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually, they will get it. They may grumble, they may not understand, but they will get it. It will not be easy, TBH. Because what we want is for people to change their behavior without us having to change ours first... but it starts with you. Your new behavior is to stop tolerating that which you can't tolerate. It's to leave with a smile on your face instead of staying and being uncomfortable and having that fester in your heart. Your new behavior is to say, "I love you. I don't like my kids to hear these kinds of words. If we're in a situation where my kids are going to hear them, I will leave." (In whatever words work for you.) And to DO IT. It doesnt' have to be a snarky, snotty, angry, huffy thing. The attitude you bring to it is the one it has. And you, being a loving, sweet, gentle, loving, open person will bring that attitude to it. It will be fine. It'll be tough - changing a way of approaching a situation always is! but it will be fine. And with a little consistency and patience, you will see that your wishes begin to carry more weight.

It's about setting a clear boundary - which is where it falls apart for most of us, because we really would prefer if people just figured it out without having to have it spelled out for them - and following through - which is where it falls apart for the rest of us. It is not easy that first time you've set that clear boundary and it's stepped on, forgotten, ignored, mocked. But you're not being silly, selfish, prudish, or rude. You're being polite, loving, sweet AND saying, here's where the line is. You are visiting family, having a good time, tolerating differences AND looking out for what your children are exposed to. They can say anything they want, whenever they want. And you can leave if YOU want. It's a free country for everyone involved!

Your Dh might object, feeling that total tolerance is the way to go - basically he doesn't have to share your boundary. This is your personal boundary, and it's up to you to enforce it. If he will not allow you to, that's a deeper issue --- why would he take a hard line with his beloved wife and not with his family? Yes, he loves them and probably finds it easier to just go with the flow than make a big deal out of things (I've got a Dh that does feel that way and it's been difficult for me in situations where I thought he should stand up and SAY SOMETHING to his family) and he probably doesn't expect much from them, and does expect a lot from you. Which is very nice as a compliment, but in practice it means that he thinks you can adapt more easily than his family, and so you're the one who's got to let go of your boundaries.

So talk talk talk to him about how he sees things, and really try to understand his POV - and also let him know that you want to make this work, that you want to be able to visit without any drama or angst or stress, but that this is VERY important to you. You may be setting this boundary with him as well; and I really want to emphasize that it doesnt' have to be an argument. You have decided what you are going to do (whatever that is) and you are letting him know, empathizing with the emotions and thoughts he has about it, and gently helping him to understand and cope with the changes.

Navigating the IL waters can be tricky, to say the least!

[kittymoose]

What about, for at your home, having a swear jar? I'm sure the language will stop pretty quick if you demand say...50 cents per bad word, dollar per bad phrase?

[true36]

Thank you. VERY VERY helpful already!

[cotopaxi]

Originally Posted by Collinsky

I would speak up about racist, sexist, or homophobic language/jokes though. IMO the swear words are probably pretty harmless; it's the ones that normalize an unhealthy worldview that I would focus on eliminating.

Agreed! And I 100% agree with the approach of just calmly leaving each time a slur is uttered.

[Nautical]

I agree with the pps that I wouldn't like the swear words but the slurs would have to stop. You can explain that bad words come out of bad habits that adults have, but I don't know how you would explain hate. I wouldn't put up with any language that was hateful.

[2cutiekitties]

The swear jar is a great idea. I wouldnt let it slide because I have a 21 month old running around saying dammit everytime he is ticked off because his father said it a whopping 5 times.

It is cute but frustrating.

[nalo]

well I swear a lot and so I wouldn't be devastated to hear others swear in front of DD, but she's only 16 months and not talking much yet. I really do need to get myself in check SOON as I don't actually want her to use these words. BUT - I do not tolerate homophobic or racist remarks nor would I allow my DD to be exposed to people who spout them. I would make it VERY clear that certain words are not allowed in my home and that until the vile, hate filled language ceases to be heard at the IL's house that the kiddos will not be going over there. I understand what a disaster this will cause in the family but I think you have a responsibility not to expose your children to this type of ugliness coming from people they perceive to be normal and loving. Can you imagine? Your 10 year old using the N word and thinking "well, grandpa says it all the time. how bad can it be?" JM2C

[plunky]

Completely agree with Collinsky.

[plunky]

Originally Posted by kittymoose

What about, for at your home, having a swear jar? I'm sure the language will stop pretty quick if you demand say...50 cents per bad word, dollar per bad phrase?

I would never pay my wife for my saying bad words. YMMV, but I'm not going to be made to feel ashamed in my own home by my peer. My wife is not my mother.

[Jessy1019]

I'd absolutely let the cusses go . . . I say 'em, my kids say 'em, and they're just not a big deal. We play foul-word mad libs with the kids!

But racist or homophobic language would NOT fly with me. I'd speak up every single time it was used and would probably end up leaving if they kept it up, or asking them to leave if they were doing it at my house. That's just NOT okay, from anyone, for any reason.

[cotopaxi]

The more I think about this the more sure I am that you will want to deal with the slurs. I'm imagining my toddler saying "F***" or "S***" in public, and I think I'd be embarrassed, but like half the moms of toddlers I know have a story like that so I'd get over it. Ideally I don't want her hearing language like that, but it probably wouldn't bother me enough to make a big stand with the ILs.

But then I'm imaginging my toddler saying the N word in public - OMG, I think I would about DIE. Yikes.