Negative feelings on parenting

[haleyelianasmom]

I feel really guilty about this but my daughter, who is 3 years old, has been having these phases lasting a couple weeks and she's just SO difficult during that time! I don't know what it is exactly but she has huge horrible meltdowns in stores, she fights me at home over everything WAY more than usual, demands things like sugar and lots of tv, teases me (as in hitting me and laughing, or lately telling me she doesn't like me and refusing hugs from me). It gets very hard. At least I know there is an end in sight because this has happend before a few times. Lasts a couple/few weeks and then she's back to just average 3 year old stuff for the most part.

Anyways, I just am getting this feeling like, she already is telling me she doesn't like me. She's already rebelling and being difficult and fighting me. I know this isn't going to go away and it intensifies as she gets into the teens. Trust me, I try so hard to find compromises and be "consensual" but she is a button pusher sometimes. Anyways, we always said we wanted at least 3-4 kids, but I still don't feel totally ready and I think part of it is this fear that I'm going to dedicate my life to raising children who in the end may just choose to hate me and move far away and never call except to tell me how I ruined their lives by choosing A, B, and C instead of X, Y, and Z. It always has me reconsidering the whole stay-at-home homeschooling mom thing.

I hope I posted this in the right place. Not sure what I'm looking for in response...

[BellaClaudia]

I have quite experience with the very type of child :-)
it comes in sessions and it goes away..
I blame it on emerging mollars becasue she always bites more in those periods ALWAYS there is need for biting and although mollars are technically
out but they grow and push other teeths in the gums and she does point and show where it hurts when it is going on without an other symptoms..
and then booooooom..
and you have

drooling
biting
loss of apetite
refusal to drink
then huge apetite on anything sweet and junkfoodiesh
and then refusal to eat meat and anything that is brown :-) and meaty..
focusing on pasta, and breads..


then the emotional sweings
extreme irritablity
hitting
tantrums
meltdowns
protests
cries if anything goes wrong or does not fit in too small spaces :-)
agression


then the symptoms go away as they come and it all comes back to calm and happy..

first symptom: mama.. I want real food.. and then you hear.. I want meat..
and then mmm.. this meat is delicious :-)

therefore I don't fight it, I go with the flow..

if I see carving for sweets she gets a load of it as she wants what she wants.. I read actaully that sugar actually fights infection and possible body is searching for it for this very reason? who knows..

other then that.. it is hard to deal with agression but I am trying to be calm and will speak about what is wrong and right but do not punish her as I know that she can't help.

It has to be from within not just a whims.. we noticed such a clear pattern. It has to be from some internal discomfort.. higher levels of something in the body.. etc..

I noticed that there is no big deal if I give her waht she wants to eat for few days as she will then go back to normal food without a problem and she even does not care much about sweets once she does so why not.

Since we are considering it all temporary and we see that the calmer and more controlled episodes of her personality emerge more and more clear we see good direction and hope and we tink that she is just bright and smart and the many difficulties we have parenting during those periods should not cast shadow on how we see her or our parenting.

One thing is for sure though.. I also am not sure about having more children.
It is just that she is sooooooooo demanding, so clingy at times and so
smart and so absorbing that she just takes all my time. I fear that If I had another child I would defenetely had to cut the level of care I provide and it would cause her some trauma and I am not sure if this in result would not
end in having two frustrated and unfulfiled children that would not get sufficient amoutn of care.

on the other hand.. she is more and more into the age when she starts looking into baby dalls and into siblins of her friends and she starts noticing taht people have sisters and brothers and the meaning of it and sometime she starts topic as .. when we will have a baby boy or girl...

so I will see how it will go because if she grow into idea of a second baby..
and then again.. of course they never know what it really means but
that would be a start.

I am just thorn apart and I am not one of those parents that will jump into number two.. it took me a decade to get first one.. and then I see that this is high needs child and I have instinct to fulfill it so you got me here :-)



so that about wraps our side :-)

[Nolamom]

No real advice, other than it's the age, hang in there...

DD was EXTREMELY difficult at 3. DH stopped asking her to do anything because everything was a fight. If they were home alone, I knew she wouldn't be brushing her teeth, etc.! However, at some point she got past the argumentative stage and was back to her usual sweet self. That's not to say we don't still have "battles" with some things, but DD at 5 is so easy compared to 3. I really think 3 is the most difficult age. You can see it here at MDC, too. There are alot of posts about 3 year olds.
The thing that helped me was changing my thinking pattern about it all. It's age appropriate behavior and temporary. It's not an indicator of what the next 15+ years will be like, it's age appropriate behavior for a 3 year old.

It will get better!

[Masel]

My DD will be 3 just after Christmas and I know exactly what you mean. Crazy huge meltdowns over nothing in particular. There was one horrible morning where she had me so rattled that I ended up calling in sick to work. I was shaking. She went to daycare. It was picture day and somehow she ended up looking like an angel in the photos.

This week she has been amazing. I'm not sure what changed except we are trying to get her to bed earlier and all the Halloween candy is gone (or at least forgotten). On Sunday, DD was across the room from me and told me to open my arms really wide. Then she ran to me for a big hug and kiss. This is after weeks of her telling me to "go away" LOL

I think it might help you not to look at this a the beginning of a continum of fights that will last until she's a teen. There will be good times and bad times. This is what 3 year olds do. You might end up with a sulky teen to just shrugs and never argues.

[Ks Mama]

Hang in there mama.

It DOES get better. Stay positive. Try not to go down the path of "this will never change" or "this is going to get worse". That does nothing to help you or her, just puts negativity on the situation - which makes your entire outlook & ability to function in a healthy way at risk. BE the change you want to see. Really believe things will get better, and truly they will.

Have you read the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk"? This is a great book, easy read, so many good ideas.

Also, is she involved in any activities outside the home? I never thought DD would do well being "away" from me. I was quite wrong! At 3.5 we enrolled her in a montessori preschool program in the mornings. What a difference for her! I'm certain age & maturity have a lot to do with it, but so too the montessori method, and the regular socialization with peers (she's in a mxed age classroom which is wonderful - the older children guide the younger), and opportunities to learn & teach.

Hang in there mama.

Wanted to add that she is an absolute joy to me. Kind to her brother, gentle, caring, empathetic. It just takes time & maturity. Keep modelling the behavior you wish to see, don't sweat the small stuff. Take breaks when you can.

[haleyelianasmom]

Thanks for the replies! I know she goes through these phases, I just sometimes get into this negative mindset thinking "eek, I'm dedicating my whole life to her and in the end she's going to just hate me and leave" I guess I get a bit ahead of myself, but it leads down this "why do people even have kids?" path which is totally not like me. bah.

And no, she's not in any preschool program. She takes dance classes (I teach dance, so she takes some with me, but I make sure she also takes some with the other teacher so it's not all with me). She does great. I'm not sure if we'll do preschool or not since we're thinking of homeschooling, but I'm always keeping myself open depending on her needs.

[LavenderMae]

Three is when it got really rough with my spirited daughter. I agree 3 is just a very difficult age for many. I really have no idea why it's the 'terrible 2s' because the 2s are a breeze compared to the 3s imo. My dd's a pre-teen now and we made it through the 3s still loving each other and it did get easier (I'll not mention the pre-teen period to you now ).

[mollusk]

Although I do not have a daughter, I have to say that between 3 and 3 1/2 with my son was really tough at times. In particular, any transition was a melt down--ANY transition! ....it was exhausting. As he has inched towards 4 and his expressive language has improved dramatically I have to admit THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SOOOO MUCH BETTER. It will get better!! But my patience as mom were tested and I wondered why I ever wanted more children at times. He was so much, how could I handle one or two more? But I don't feel like that nearly as much anymore....

[Cherie2]

First of all I want to say my dd was a little angel at 3 ... until she turned 14 then all He!! broke loose ... so just know 3 year old behavior is really not a very good indicator of teen age behavior...

second do you have opportunities to have time away from her? ... sometimes i just think it really helps to fill yourself up again and look at the situation from a little further back. you know?

[Alison's Mom]

My DD just turned 4 and she has gone through phases like what you described as well. She doesn't actually hit me or say 'I don't like you', but she becomes very mean when she doesn't get her way, and has meltdown after meltdown on some days and I know how you feel.

I've read a few books, including 'How to talk', and it's helped - validating feelings and empathizing work great. I'm also reading 'Raising your spirited child', and our ped recently recommended 'Raising your emotionally intelligent child'. I also just started reading 'Hold onto your child' and there are some interesting pointers in there as well.

She demands so much attention that I find myself retreating, but I know that if I just offered attention to her proactively, it would probably be better.

I have found that sleep is a major factor. DD often refuses to nap and if I let her not nap, she seems to be able to handle it for a day, but two days in a row and she's majorly irritable, and then will refuse to eat, which then leads to more crankiness from being hungry. So I try to make sure she naps every day or at least every other day. Some days it's a major fight, but I just lie down with DS and insist she lie down too, which she does without too much of a fight because she'd get bored playing by herself. She ends up falling asleep within 5 minutes and wakes up much happier.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Nolamom

No real advice, other than it's the age, hang in there...it will get better!

ditto this. I know it's hard to see that it will get better while you are currently going through this phase but try to hang in there.

[haleyelianasmom]

She's not a napper. She stopped napping a few months ago and if I do get her to take a nap, she doesn't go to sleep until midnight... so no nap! I do notice she's been having tummy problems more these past couple weeks so maybe it is a gut issue or something she ate. She's normally feisty, but she has kicked it up a notch lately.

Thanks for the replies!

[*Erin*]

it gets easier, it does. your kid does like you and it will be ok. 3 is a very tumultuous, emotional, power-struggle kind of time sometimes. we had lots of moments like what you talked about when dd was 3, and then 4 was a total breeze. i mean it. 4 rocked. and so did 5. now 6, 6 has been reminiscent of the 3 yr old times, and in many ways, SO MUCH MORE dramatic. but, easier because she will at least be reasoned with and we have such a strong bond.
as far as sleep
3 yr olds generally don't nap anymore, fwiw. my dd stopped napping at 2, even though there were plenty of days she couldve used one. she just refused, didnt have to have them anymore, and to me, a giant, emotional meltdown that didnt even result in a nap anyway was not worth it. i tried to have a "quiet time" in the late morning and again in the early evening, that helped a little bit.
keeping bedtime consistant helps everything. i found that my dd, and my little ds too, both get up at the same time no matter when they go to sleep. i aim for an 8:00 bedtime, and they get up at 7 or 8 much more refreshed and happy than if they'd gone to sleep at 9:30 or so, which is when they might actually start yawning and stuff.

keep an eye on diet too. too much sugar and not enough protein and veggies and water and we get the worst of the worst behavior.