Friend Brings Peanut Butter My DS is Allergic

[StacyG32]

I have a really good friend who has a son the same age as my son. We spend a lot of time together and I really enjoy being with her and our sons are great friends. The problem is that my son has a peanut allergy. When we are together she often brings peanut butter as a snack for her son. She will often warn me that she has peanut butter so that I can make sure my DS does not get exposed to it. At first I just thought that she forgot about the allergy and brought the peanut butter without thinking but recently it seems as though she just doesn't understand how dangerous it is for her to feed her son peanut butter around my son. If my son got exposed then he could become very sick. At a minimum he would have to go to the hospital, have his epi shot and could potentially die. I don't see why her sons desire to have peanut butter (or her desire to feed it to him) out weighs the risk that peanut exposure poses to my son. Am I wrong for feeling this way? WWYD?

[4evermom]

That would make me extremely nervous and I would tell her so. I would simply tell her I'm not comfortable having the kids together while someone is eating PB. All it would take for your ds to land in the hospital is for her ds impulsively kissing or even hugging yours. I'd just say "Could you please plan on another snack on the days we are playing together so I can relax and enjoy our time?" You could go on to explain you have to be on your guard every time you take your ds out and it would be awesome of her if she could give you a break from that.

[fancyoats]

i don't think you're wrong for feeling upset. it sounds like your friend doesn't understand how seriously life threatening a peanut allergy can be. have you talked with her about the risks of secondary exposure from her son to yours? (i.e., her son eats it, but gets some on his hands, then touches a toy, then YOUR son gets the toy and puts it in his mouth, etc.) she might just need more information.

[Raene]

I would ask her kindly to sub for almond butter...couldn't she do that for you? Then your son could enjoy a treat too.

[aprildawn]

I agree with the PP.

Good friends of ours have kids with nut allergies. We don't eat peanut butter around them, days when they come to our house I don't feed my kids peanut butter for lunch, I have a "nut-free" zone in the pantry where they can find safe snacks.

My understanding of the severity of their nut allergy has come through my friend talking about it with me. She keeps me updated after doctor visits, sends an epi pen with her daughter when she's playing at our house, etc. She doesn't do it in a lecturing way. It comes up naturally because we're friends and talk about what's going on in our lives together.

I have slipped and brought peanut butter when we're playing together. Those times we've just extra careful to clean everyone up after lunch. Another friend of ours consistently brings peanut butter for her kids. It's like it just doesn't register with her.

[4Blessings]

Originally Posted by Raene

I would ask her kindly to sub for almond butter...couldn't she do that for you? Then your son could enjoy a treat too.

I would skip the peanut and nut products. 35% of peanut allergic individuals are also allergic to tree nuts.

You really need to tell her how you feel and what you need. If she continues to put your child in danger you will have to stop getting together with them.

We have lost playmates due to DS's multiple food allergies. For some people it was just too much for them to deal with and could not be bothered. Oh well! If she isn't willing to accommodate your child's needs then she might not be the type of "friend" you really need.

[Shaki]

My DD eats a lot of peanut butter. Until I was educated about the risks to a child with pb allergies I had NO CLUE that if my DD ate peanut butter and then kissed a friend (or put a toy in her mouth etc) that she could be seriously endangering another child's life. Now that I'm aware of the risks to other children, she brushes her teeth, takes a bath, and changes clothes if she eats pb before going to school or being with an allergic friend. Your friend may not have any idea how dangerous it actually is. Give her the benefit of the doubt and then take the time to gently but clearly and explicitly educate her.

If I was unknowingly endangering a friends child I would absolutely want to know about it so that I could change the situation.

[stellimamo]

Originally Posted by Raene

I would ask her kindly to sub for almond butter...couldn't she do that for you? Then your son could enjoy a treat too.

Thats a great idea. Maybe even get a jar of sun butter for them to try. IMHO its better than peanut butter.

Also do you have a pic or something of him after he has had a reaction. My ds has a peanut allergy that makes any portion of him that is touched by peanuts swell horribly and causes breathing issues. I took pics of the last reaction so I can show anyone (mainly MIL, who doesn't "believe in peanut allergies")who doesn't understand what peanuts can do to ds. Even the teeniest, tiniest touch of peanut butter can have major consequences for us.

[Mama Mko]

I would make it very clear the next time you talk to her. "I'm sorry, friend, but my son is so allergic to peanuts that your son eating his peanut butter sandwiches around us makes me really nervous. It's just too easy for him to have a reaction that way. Could you bring something else for lunch?"

If she says no, I would decline playdates. It seems most likely that she just doesn't understand the severity of the allergy.

[meemee]

i would go online, print a good educative article/s covering all the points of pb allergy and give them to her PRONTO. or email links. like others pointed out she probably doesnt understand how serious it is - esp since you have allowed it a few times. make sure it also points out about other nut butters too if you dont want it replaced by other nut butters.

if anything does happen can you imagine how terrible she would feel - how responsible she would feel. YOU are creating a potentially damaging situation for your friend.

now if she STILL persists then time to cut it off. because knowingly she is putting your ds's life in danger.

i once spent mucho bucks that i didnt have at my dd's birthday party keeping all kind of nuts out coz one of the playgroup kids had nut allergies. she soooo appreciated my gesture. in fact it just wasnt me. all the other moms did the same too. even with our snacks.

if you have not fully informed her, or not driven the point home then yes i would say you are wrong in feeling that way. but if you have done everything - then no absolutely not.

[kangaroomum25]

Maybe you could show her this page, it's a memorial to those who have had fatal food reactions. http://allergy.hyperboards.com/index...id=112&start=1 It was an eye opener for me, I didn't realise there were so many affected.

[meemee]

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[lindberg99]

Of course you're not wrong for feeling that way! Just explain to her (over and over if need be!) how serious it can be. She might have another friend who has a child with a mild peanut allergy and just doesn't understand.

I would also offer to bring snacks to playdates. Maybe she's not sure what is safe and what isn't? Although since she's telling you he has PB, I guess that's not the case.

[Purple*Lotus]

It sounds to me that she doesn't understand how severe it is. I can't have PB at all on work days because a child in my class has an allergy- not even in my car on break. I would not have known it to be that severe if I hadn't been told about it. So she might just not "get" it. I would explain how dangerous and risky it is, and if she is not willing to stop, then I would not let my child play with hers anymore. Hopefully once she understands how dangerous it is, she will make other food arrangements. Good luck.

[elmh23]

Have you explained how dangerous it can be? My daughter has outgrown her allergy but her brother is still allergic. Our home is peanut and tree nut free and all our friends know that. I've made an exception for one person, who recently had a baby. She only brings tree nuts (which ds is technically not allergic to, we just avoid them due to cross contamination) and washes her hands really well after she eats them. She's also not a very messy eater.

All my friends have seen my kids react to things (they are also allergic to soy) and seen me freak out a little. They happily went peanut free around us when I asked that playgroup be peanut free. On their own, they've put away peanut products on the days leading up to us coming over. I am very thankful for my friends who get it.

On the other hand, we routinely have to remove peanuts from out of the kids reach at my MIL's house, even when she knows we're coming over. My FIL is diabetic and eats a lot of (salted ) peanuts as a snack. They don't get it at all and think the kids aren't really allergic and that it's all in my head. Needless to say, I am always on my toes when we're over!

[Britishmum]

I would say something like this to her,

"Friend, we had a scare with ds last week with a potential exposure to pb. It brought it home to us how absolutely serious this is. For that reason, dh and I have decided we need to ask all our friends to refrain from bringing peanut products to our home, or when we meet up. I'm sure you understand, blah blah."

If she wont' do that, I'd drop her. My friends bend over backwards to avoid pb when we see them. Most of them even stop their kids eating it for breakfast on days when we are seeing them. That's what I do for others, and that is just what a good friend does.

HTH

[Maeve]

I agree with the previous posters. Print out some ifo and explain to her how truely dangerous this is and how easily it can affect him. If she still does it, then she isn't a very good friend and I would just drop the relationship. I couldn't be friends with someone who cared so little about the safety & health of my child.

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by Britishmum

I would say something like this to her,

"Friend, we had a scare with ds last week with a potential exposure to pb. It brought it home to us how absolutely serious this is. For that reason, dh and I have decided we need to ask all our friends to refrain from bringing peanut products to our home, or when we meet up. I'm sure you understand, blah blah."

I think that's a really good way to go about it, maybe even bring up that DS's doctor has really impressed on you the risk of cross contamination between playmates. You could also offer to bring the snack for both kids when they get together the next time or two. That way instead of making it "hard" for her (by having to change her snack choices) you're making it "easier". If she is a true friend she will understand.

It just takes a little education some times. I had NO idea I was putting other children at risk by bringing PB&J to the playground. One time there was a little smear of PB on the picnic table and a mother gently said to me, "That could send my son to the emergency room." I had no idea and was glad for the information.

[CanidFL]

I had no idea how severe PB allergies could be till I read this thread. I had no idea eating it then kissing someone can cause a reaction. Honestly, I bet your friend is clueless like me. If someone told me they had a PB allergy I would do the same thing.....feed DS what he normally eats and say something like "oh there is PB on this just so you are aware". I thought that was reasonable but after seeing this thread I now realize it's not that simple

I would be a little more direct with her and spell it out.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by elmh23

Have you explained how dangerous it can be? My daughter has outgrown her allergy but her brother is still allergic. Our home is peanut and tree nut free and all our friends know that. I've made an exception for one person, who recently had a baby. She only brings tree nuts (which ds is technically not allergic to, we just avoid them due to cross contamination) and washes her hands really well after she eats them. She's also not a very messy eater.

All my friends have seen my kids react to things (they are also allergic to soy) and seen me freak out a little. They happily went peanut free around us when I asked that playgroup be peanut free. On their own, they've put away peanut products on the days leading up to us coming over. I am very thankful for my friends who get it.

On the other hand, we routinely have to remove peanuts from out of the kids reach at my MIL's house, even when she knows we're coming over. My FIL is diabetic and eats a lot of (salted ) peanuts as a snack. They don't get it at all and think the kids aren't really allergic and that it's all in my head. Needless to say, I am always on my toes when we're over!

I wouldn't visit.