Friend Brings Peanut Butter My DS is Allergic - Page 2

[mbbinsc]

You might want to repost on the allergy forum in the health and healing section. Replies might be a bit different. My 3yo DD has peanut, dairy, egg and shellfish allergies. It is hard enough to keep her safe around strangers. I would hate if my friends and family choose to put her is danger.

[mamatoakd]

As a pp already said, why don't you offer to bring the snacks? That way, you're sure to be in control. With many foods being made on machinery that processes nuts, dairy, etc., what if she were to limit peanut butter and jelly sandwiches but did bring snacks that had a small amounts of peanuts in them anyway (granola bar, etc.)?

Sounds like the kids would like to continue to play together and be friends. Bringing the snacks seems to be a much more friendly gesture (and ultimately an educational lesson in what your child can eat) than starting off with a big talk/confrontation backed up with literature, pictures, etc.!

[Purple Cat]

My daughter has anaphylactic food allergies. I generally have found it helps to call her allergies "life-threatening food allergies." I also have a firm policy that our home is nut-free, peanut-free, egg-free. I receive respite care. I tell our babysitters and respite workers that they are welcome to eat any food in my house but I have to ask them not to bring food into my house. I've had a few incidents, like where my friend and her daughter walk into our house eating an egg bagel, where I simply say I'm so sorry but can I give you another snack. J has life-threatening reactions to eggs and we just cannot risk egg products in our home. I think terming things as a "policy" that you cannot permit any peanut products in your home might help soften things and get compliance. For some reason, people are less-inclined to take it personally or argue if things are presented as "your policy." What's tricky is the precedent of having not taken issue with her bringing peanut products into your house before. I'm inclined to think that sends a message that doing so isn't that bad. Maybe, as a PP suggested, attributing the need to bring up your new policy to some incident or some comment by your dr. that highlighted the need to be really careful of accidental ingestion.

With that said, my experience is that some people simply do not and will not get it. I had someone apologize profusely for telling me they would give my daughter goldfish when told about her allergies but instead giving her a peanut and nut-contaminated cracker. I believed his earnest apologies. Imagine my surprise when he had the same contaiminated crackers ready to serve to her the next week at church. His rataionel? She was okay last time when she ate it. He simply dismissed my lengthy attempts to explain the severity of allergies to a "hysterical mom." Needless to say, my daughter never stays in that class when he is in charge. She only stays in teh class when the new teacher, a former ER nurse, is there because I know she will not take a chance with my daughter dying. You may need to drop all food-related activities with this person. I usually offer to supply snacks for playdates because of the risk.

[Alison's Mom]

My two kids also have life-threatening allergies. I ask friends and family to not have any nuts or peanuts around when we are visiting as these are their most serious allergies. I'm OK with people eating eggs, milk, etc, which are their less serious allergies, and while I don't generally eat them, DH eats both in our house.

I think the suggestion to be the one to supply all the snacks at playdates is good - I often do this for my own peace of mind, and to make it less confusing for the other parents. . . some foods are laballed as 'may contain traces of' and others aren't labelled but actually might contain traces, etc.

For the PP who said her ILs routinely keep peanuts around when they visit, I would have a very serious conversation with them, and if they still don't change, I would not visit them anymore. It's not worth your child's life to visit people who just don't get it. I'm lucky that all our family and friends (so far) have respected our policies, except for one incident with my SIL, and I believe it caused a rift in our relationship, but I'm still glad I said what I said to her (as politely as I could, but she still took offence).

Good luck.

[StacyG32]

Thanks for all of the responses. I have said very little to her because I really didn't think I needed to. I jsut expected her to undrstand. But, I do need to say something to her, I just have to find the right words. Part of the problem is that we do not know how severe DS peanut allegy is. His skin test ( a year ago) showed it to be very strong but he was only exposed one time (aside from the skin test) and then he had hives and vomitting. I do carry an epi pen and Benedryl at all times. I did read that 80% of people with a peanut allergy will have breathing difficulty when exposed. We are having the tests redone this month and will find out if any of his allergies have changed. I think that will give me the opening to address it with my friend. As in "we just had DS retested and his peanut allergy is still very bad and with each exposure it gets worse so we are really making an effort to avoid peanuts and all nuts to protect him.I hope you understand and can support us."

[aprildawn]

Stacy -- I think the approach you're considering sounds good. Just be honest with your friend, express your worry about your son's safety, and explain that you know it's difficult sometimes for those who don't have allergies to remember.

My friend would discuss the doctor's visits with me. We spent a lot of time with my friend and her kids before they moved out of the country last summer, so I even developed the habit of checking labels at the store when I was shopping so I'd know what was safe for her kids!!!

[avivaelona]

I would definitely offer to bring snack the first few times at least. We had a peanut allergic friend for a while and there was only ONE bread easily available in the area that was safe for him and while it was easy to avoid peanut butter it was confusing until we got the hang of what was ok, to really avoid all the products we needed not to have.

If you open the conversation with her, she'll probably eventually understand how to make a snack that isn't dangerous for your son, but if you offer to provide snack the first few times it will definitely soften you telling her not to bring peanuts anymore.

I don't think you should feel weird about bringing it up at all though, I can't imagine that she wants to create this worry for you, she probably just doesn't understand the situation.

[mbbinsc]

We have had a reaction to a peanut butter cookie that sent my daughter to the ER. It was a horrible experience and we work hard to avoid. I think that having that experience does change the way you approach situations with allergens around.

[CheapPearls]

Originally Posted by StacyG32

Thanks for all of the responses. I have said very little to her because I really didn't think I needed to. I jsut expected her to undrstand. But, I do need to say something to her, I just have to find the right words. Part of the problem is that we do not know how severe DS peanut allegy is. His skin test ( a year ago) showed it to be very strong but he was only exposed one time (aside from the skin test) and then he had hives and vomitting. I do carry an epi pen and Benedryl at all times. I did read that 80% of people with a peanut allergy will have breathing difficulty when exposed. We are having the tests redone this month and will find out if any of his allergies have changed. I think that will give me the opening to address it with my friend. As in "we just had DS retested and his peanut allergy is still very bad and with each exposure it gets worse so we are really making an effort to avoid peanuts and all nuts to protect him.I hope you understand and can support us."

I think that would work just fine.

I think she just doesn't understand. Until I met a mom with a little girl with allergies, it had never crossed my mind. We talked a bit about it after I almost gave the girl something with one of her allergies in it. Now I'm much more careful with food around all kids and make sure that my boys don't have something that could be a problem during play dates.

[mamazee]

There are people who don't understand that peanut and tree nut allergies are different from other allergies in that any exposure of any kind can hurt or kill someone who is allergic. My guess is she simply doesn't know and if she did she would bring a different snack.

[Shaki]

Hi Stacy!
Just posting one more time--as a person who was once ignorant about pb allergies and their danger--to urge you to use very clear language when you talk to your friend. Instead of just saying "I hope you can support us" I think you should say "I hope you can support us by not bringing any peanut products to playdates and making sure to brush your DC's teeth and wash DC's hands if he eats any peanut products before getting together with us. I'm happy to bring snacks, cause I know if you're not used to dealing with allergies of this severity it can be kind of confusing to figure out."

I'm just saying this because unless I had been explicitly told about the dangers of pb allergies I'd be sending my pb eating kid to school with possible pb in her mouth or on her hands or clothes because I had no idea how dangerous it was until someone explained it to me. I thought it was just that an allergic child couldn't eat pb. I Really had no clue about simple contact with a small amount of pb (like a kiss from a peanut butter mouth or contact with a smear of pb on a toy) being life threatening. NO CLUE. Plain ignorant and still would be if it hadn't be carefully explained to me. If your friend is as uninformed as I was she needs to be told directly and specifically.

Thank goodness the principle and all the teachers at my DD's school are very aware and vigilant about nut and other allergies and they make DAMN SURE that every single parent at the school understands the risks. I'm so grateful for this, it terrifies me to think my lack of knowledge could have hurt another child. I'm sure your friend will feel the same (and if she doesn't that's not your problem).

I hope it goes well!