support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 6

[Labbemama]

OMG I am howling with laughter about sending the card to her mother's psychaitrist for her birthday. If my mom would see a shrink I would send them a big bouquet for mother's day and tell them how much their efforts (however unlikely to produce sustainable gains in her mental stability) are appreciated. Maybe I could send one to the neurologist. LOL. She does seem better these days but we won't know for sure til she gets here. The physical therapist should get a fruit basket or something for listening to her laundry list of somatic complaints and yet still seeing her 3 x per week.

So been quiet because I'm preparing for a Christmas family reunion. I do know I have dh's total support and she will be warned that if she is negative she will not be welcome to stay.

My mom was supposed to get a hotel for her and stepdad and the two dogs but failed to reserve a room and now is saying the hotel will only take one dog. She wants to kick my youngest dd out of her bedroom and sleep in there with my stepdad and her two dogs to save $. I told her that dd only has a full-sized mattress and it isn't big enough for the two of them.

I offered her an air mattress when they first decided to come. which she declined due to her monstrous list of health problems and my stepdad's bad back and she said the dogs would pop it because of their claws and habit of sleeping with them. Well she has been planning this for what like a month? ANd now springs it on me that it's too expensive for them to get a hotel and so now they want to stay here. (She does, not so sure my stepdad will agree to that. LOL) and so I told her we would deal with it when she gets here offering to put one of the dogs...(My grandfather's malbehaved poodle) in a crate to sleep at night so that they could stay at the hotel with one dog. It's a $25.00 per night deposit so if her little monster dog doesn't tear the place up she will get the $ back. The other dog has seizures and vomits. The poodle snaps at children and is not even close to housebroken. The thing is the dogs will tear up the place. They tear up carpet if you shut them in a room. They are not used to the cold. It's real cold here. 5 today.

We don't have a fenced yard or I would tie the little buggers out.
My sister is bringing a baby who she says has more asthma around pet dander. She is going to stay at my brothers. So yeah two dogs is exactly what I need. On top of my new puppy who is only partially trained. you know. She's good but she likes some other dogs and not others and that's out at the park not in her home. LOL. SHe doesn't care for ittybitty yippy dogs. Which is what my grandfather's dog is. ANd neither of my mom's dogs has ever been around cats. I will shut them in the basement.

I do not think my stepdad will want to sleep here. It's a very short visit, but I would feel better if I didn't have company 24'7. Have to be able to retreat. KWIM?

I need to put in a call to the hotel to see what they do say about dogs and availablity of room. I have a feeling my mom is lying again and just being cheap. They have stayed here before, when it was just my family, her and stepdad and stepdad got too crowded and needed to leave for a bit. WE will have SIX more ppl here. (3 more kids and THREE more dogs) so I think the hotel is a necessity. I have a 3 br duplex and the living room is small.

I just told her we'd deal with it when she gets here and her dogs are welcome to stay in my garage if they want to go to a hotel that doesn't take pets.

Erbear said the dogs could stay in her room but granny and poppop couldn't. LMAO. My kids innately know what is healthy for them.

[mamazee]

I'd like to join this thread too. I go through phases where I don't care much anymore, and phases where I get depressed.

I am not estranged, but my parents moved to Arizona, so I don't see them that much anymore anyway. They come back to Illinois for the summers and I just avoid them as much as possible. I was estranged from them for about a year after my mom threatened to call CPS on us because I was co-sleeping. I made her sign an affidavit that my husband and I are good and loving parents and that our home is a safe, warm, and beneficial environment for our daughter. Then I let her back in our lives to a limited extent.

My dad is an alcoholic and is prone to rage issues and was physically abusive when we were kids. My mom's biggest fear was that we'd get pregnant young, and she used sexual shame as a method of keeping my sister and I from getting pregnant. I went through a long depression as a teen/young adult as a result of the feelings of shame, but my sister embraced it and seems to agree with my mom and, sadly, is also somewhat toxic now. Though she feels like a victim to me so I tread lightly.

My mom is controlling. My dad can't take care of himself and passes out drunk early enough that he doesn't cause too many problems, but I can't trust him around my daughter because he could potentially get violent. I'm afraid of what my mom and sister will say to my daughter as she grows up and starts to look more adult - I don't want her to suffer from that sense of shame that I had.

There's this weird delusion in my family that we were so happy and like the Brady Bunch or something. That frustrates me. I try to avoid causing waves, though. I just spend as little time with them as possible and try to limit their contact with my daughter.

[majikfaerie]

[Tapioca]

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[LilMamiBella]

This is the first time I've seen this thread. I guess I'll join you all.

My mom is the toxic parent. I've never met my father.
My mom took off with her boyfriend when I was young and I stayed with my grandmother for 5-6 years. I finally moved in with my mom. She was single then and had to work low paying jobs to make ends meet. We were poor and I didn't see her that much. I had anxiety and depression at the age of 10 all the way to now sometimes. I always felt like she didn't love me because she chose her boyfriend over me. I felt like I wasn't apart of her "family". She has abandoned all 3 of her kids ( me included). My older siblings were put up for adoption when they were like 10 and 3. I pulled my hair out when I was younger due to my anxiety and depression. She and my grandma took me to tons of doctors and i used tons of different medications to cure me. None of those things ever worked. She tried to get child support from my father. We had a dna test done and I found out that the person who I thought was my father really wasn't. I was so hurt and upset. So then she says that for sure its this other guy. I've never met him and his father (who I guess would be my grandfather) said he already had a family. When I was 13 my mom introduced me to a boy (not really a boy he was 18 I think at the time). She said she thought he'd be a good boyfriend for me. We saw each other off and on for a year. On my 14th birthday I had sex with him. I ended up pregnant. She signed for me to get married at 15. My husband was verbally and physically abusive. I got a divorce thank god! My mom has had sex for money and has done drugs and alcohol.I met my current husband and married him and we're doing great. He has taken care of my son as his own. My son doesn't know that my husband isn't his real dad. My ex-husband is in jail for drug and gun possession. My mom has always liked my ex-husband and has even shown him and his family pictures of me and my son. When we found out dh said i shouldn't give her anymore pictures. She has lived with us and we've taken care of her and paid bills while she worked off and on. She'd quit a job for no reason. We have bought her two used cars at two different times. One time after we got her the car she said it broke down and it was too expensive to fix so she let go of it. We bought her a car the second time because she really needed transportation and I thought she could get a job. She ended up selling the car because she didn't have a driver's license and she wanted to pay a bill! :She's now living in the same town as my grandma. She's in this assistance apartment. My grandparents pay all of her bills and give her spending money while she's been applying for disability. She's not disabled and she has told me herself that she never wants to work again and that she doesn't like to be around people. I hate it that's she's lying and i hate it that my grandparents would take care of her like that. She has said that she's sorry for what happened when I was little and I've told her I forgive her. But I can't ever forget and it really makes it hard for me to talk with her. She likes to call and tell me all these great things she's doing like going to to church, reading the bible, praying, going to bible studies,etc. I don't feel like i can really believe her and I'm pretty sure she will get bored with where she's living and will take off again. She calls me sometimes as much as three times a day. I can't be friends with her like she wants. Its hard for me (because of my past) to be a good mom to my kids. I really didn't know what it was like to play with my mom. She ignored me when she was home so I sometimes ignore my kids. I feel terrible about it because I want to have a close relationship with my kids. I have felt like cutting them all out of my life. I also feel like I don't know what will happen in the future and what if I need my mom or grandparents? My dh wants me to get closer with his family. I'm pretty shy and they speak spanish only and I speak a tiny bit of it. My mom is always making me feel guilty because we're doing well. Always needing something from us. As for my sister she's got bipolar, is or was since the last time i saw her drug addicted and prostitute. My brother has an alcohol addiction and was in jail for almost two years. My siblings have stopped talking to my mom and so I'm the only one she still clings to.

[Amys1st]

Found out about this thread from another thread about holidays in Parenting. Add me to the tribe!

My parents never physically abused us and we had a good home life, provided for etc growing up. BUT, my father, as his mother (my nana) before him emotional abuses everyone. He is extremely negative, self centered, useless, and controling. When she died before I had kids, I was like good riddence! Then as he got older and retired, it is like she is back from the dead.

Funny growing up, he would do his best not to call his parents and my mother nagged him to do so. They were negative, nothing ever was good enough and when they visited it was hell the minute they drove up until they left! And they lived far away thank god. But now as I get older and so do my parents, I see it all coming back. My father ruins holidays, dinners out, parties, etc with the same s%(t his mother pulled.

Back to post later but reading thru the post, I can see the same pattern.

FWIW, I also have "cut" my parents off before. It happend about 2 years ago during the holidays. Since then, my father has been the biggest butt kisser to me so he can see his grandchildren. I have a personal rule- we do not spend more than 4 hours with then. Also, they are both very good grandparents but since my mom's mild stroke a few years back, its been tougher.

[cristeen]

Ugh. Just went out to get the mail and there was a Xmas card in the box from my father. I'm debating opening it. It doesn't feel like there's a letter in there, and I made it clear to him that I didn't want to hear from him unless he had something significant to say (like an apology).

I hate this. If I ask my DH, he'd say to shred it unopened. Should I read it and risk getting upset, or toss it and regret it later? <sigh> Why can't he just stay gone?

[majikfaerie]

Originally Posted by cristeen

Ugh. Just went out to get the mail and there was a Xmas card in the box from my father. I'm debating opening it. It doesn't feel like there's a letter in there, and I made it clear to him that I didn't want to hear from him unless he had something significant to say (like an apology).

I hate this. If I ask my DH, he'd say to shred it unopened. Should I read it and risk getting upset, or toss it and regret it later? <sigh> Why can't he just stay gone?

my reaction would be to either shred it unopened (what my dp would also recommend, no doubt) or to stamp it "return to sender" and send it back.

BUT

you say you told him you are only open to communication if he has an apology. if so, are you really open to recieving that apology? If so, then you should open the card. steam it open if that will help you. just to see if there is an apology in there.
i don't know you or your dad or the situation, but i'd at least see if the card is written with a heartfelt apology, or at least an opening for one.
if not, then by all means, put the card back in the envelope and return it "unopened" or shred it. but at least get it over with.


just IMO

[majikfaerie]

welcome LilMamiBella and amys1st

[Arduinna]

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[Tapioca]

I like majikfaerie's advice.

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[NewDirections]

I just saw this thread and I'm so happy. I had no idea that so many other people share this I also have a toxic family that I have very little contact with. The holidays are really difficult for me because I see others happy with their friends and family and it just makes me realize that I don't have that type of relationship with my family.

Originally Posted by majikfaerie

ugh. my mother tried to friend me on facebook again. i've already ignored her once. when is she gonna get it?

and

My mom did the same thing. I'm sorry but yuck, I really don't want her to see any of my facebook profile

[Unoppressed MAMA Q]

Originally Posted by cristeen

Ugh. Just went out to get the mail and there was a Xmas card in the box from my father. I'm debating opening it. It doesn't feel like there's a letter in there, and I made it clear to him that I didn't want to hear from him unless he had something significant to say (like an apology).

I hate this. If I ask my DH, he'd say to shred it unopened. Should I read it and risk getting upset, or toss it and regret it later? <sigh> Why can't he just stay gone?

Aw...
Can a friend take charge of this?
Someone who understands and can discern whether it's appropriate for you to read it or not? He/she could steam it open, read it, and if it's that apology, give it to you. If not, he/she could be responsible for resealing and returning to sender.

Best luck.

[cristeen]

Thank you for the thoughts, ladies. It was actually a rhetorical question, since I didn't wait for replies.

I did open it, and as I thought, it did not contain anything interesting. Not even a note or a family letter. Just a signature, "Love Dad & Wife". :

It went promptly in the trash. I didn't even think about marking it return to sender, although I just dug it out of the trash to look and it didn't have a return address on it anyway. Maybe next time I'll keep that in mind, I mean I can always write the return address in if I want to go that far. I expect I'll be getting another card in a few days (for my birthday), maybe I'll steam that one open.

<sigh> I know my life is so much better without him in it, but I still wish I had a dad I could talk to, you know?

[Grace24]

Wow, never seen this thread before, but maybe cuz I'm new to the personal growth section I am estranged from my dad for many years, and now from his extended family which breaks my heart as they used to mean a lot to me. But they are beyond toxic, they are all simply dangerous, and I will not have them around my child. But why do I still feel the pull to go visit them? Gah.

Anyhow, I totally belong here and : to all of us. I will read through this thread when I get a minute, which might be next week as my mom arrives tomorrow for Christmas. (She and dad have been divorced many years, thank god for us all.) She and I get along well as long as I don't mention the past. Sometimes she can talk about it and sometimes she can't, but her guilt makes her react strangely sometimes so I find it better to talk about other things. Wish me luck.

[majikfaerie]

[cristeen]

So I was right. Another card arrived today. I did steam it open. Inside there was a copy of this article, and it just said "Indeed I am sorry"

I'm really not sure where to go from here...

[majikfaerie]

Originally Posted by cristeen

So I was right. Another card arrived today. I did steam it open. Inside there was a copy of this article, and it just said "Indeed I am sorry"

I'm really not sure where to go from here...

:
that made me tear up.

how do you feel?

I think, it says clearly that he's trying to apologize. not saying you have to jump on the phone right away, but if you've already made it clear that what you want is an apology, I think that letter goes a long way towards one.
perhaps give it a day to settle in your mind, and then write a letter back to him. say how you feel, and leave an opening for him to make a next step, such as a more in-depth apology, if that's what you need, or merely a postal communication opening up.

[MPJJJ]

Well, I went 2 months without speaking to my parents following the letter that I sent. Then I lost my DH's support when they started calling his office several times a day, telling him that he needs to have me call them. He told me that I had to talk to them, because they were beginning to interfere with his job, and he couldn't just field the calls since everyone at the office answers the phone. So I caved.

My Dad broke down, said that we were everything, if only he had known his brother-in-law molested me, but he did know, and if only I had said something, but I did say something... He then says "I wouldnt bring this up to your mother." When I asked him how could he tell me if only I had told them, then say "but don't bring this up", how could he say that? Why was protecting her brother more important than protecting me? He then says "I don't know what to say..."

So then mom gets on the phone.... no apology, nothing at all was said about the long letter I wrote her... nothing. No acknowledgement. Just when am I going to come visit her? Even though my car is in the shop, why can't I just get in my busted up truck that leaks power steering fluid and transmission fluid, and has bad tires, and just drive an hour to visit her? Nothing has changed. Nothing will.

Now I feel even worse than before. At least before, I felt strong, and was feeling peace. Now I feel weak, and trapped, because I can't get away from them. If I try to stop talking to them, they will hound my husband. At his job. And then he gets irritated with me.

And what is worse is knowing that mom knows everything, she knew it before and there is no denying she knows about it now, because I told her... and yet she still doesn't care. Before I had the small doubt that maybe she was just in denial... I am too tired to even feel anger, like I felt before. I just feel defeated.

The only person I am angry at now is my DH, for failing to support me, for putting me in that position. Now he says "I'm sorry, I should have just told them now to call my job anymore". It's a little too late for that. It's hard enough to break the cycle without feeling completely and totally alone, and worse, like I am become a burdon on my husband and his job. I feel very betrayed by him.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ

Well, I went 2 months without speaking to my parents following the letter that I sent. Then I lost my DH's support when they started calling his office several times a day, telling him that he needs to have me call them. He told me that I had to talk to them, because they were beginning to interfere with his job, and he couldn't just field the calls since everyone at the office answers the phone. So I caved.

My Dad broke down, said that we were everything, if only he had known his brother-in-law molested me, but he did know, and if only I had said something, but I did say something... He then says "I wouldnt bring this up to your mother." When I asked him how could he tell me if only I had told them, then say "but don't bring this up", how could he say that? Why was protecting her brother more important than protecting me? He then says "I don't know what to say..."

So then mom gets on the phone.... no apology, nothing at all was said about the long letter I wrote her... nothing. No acknowledgement. Just when am I going to come visit her? Even though my car is in the shop, why can't I just get in my busted up truck that leaks power steering fluid and transmission fluid, and has bad tires, and just drive an hour to visit her? Nothing has changed. Nothing will.

Now I feel even worse than before. At least before, I felt strong, and was feeling peace. Now I feel weak, and trapped, because I can't get away from them. If I try to stop talking to them, they will hound my husband. At his job. And then he gets irritated with me.

And what is worse is knowing that mom knows everything, she knew it before and there is no denying she knows about it now, because I told her... and yet she still doesn't care. Before I had the small doubt that maybe she was just in denial... I am too tired to even feel anger, like I felt before. I just feel defeated.

The only person I am angry at now is my DH, for failing to support me, for putting me in that position. Now he says "I'm sorry, I should have just told them now to call my job anymore". It's a little too late for that. It's hard enough to break the cycle without feeling completely and totally alone, and worse, like I am become a burdon on my husband and his job. I feel very betrayed by him.

Can your dh get a restraining order, or does that even apply to phone calls?

That sucks.