support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 7

[minkajane]

Good timing for this thread! Short version - my dad was physically abusive and bullied/intimidated my siblings and I throughout our childhood. We have a decent relationship now, except sometimes he tries to bully me again. My mom was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. She continues to be verbally abusive and manipulative. I didn't speak to her for over a year, until she told me her dad's cancer had returned and he only had a few months left to live, so I came to visit. Turns out he hadn't even gotten the test results back and I haven't heard anything since, so I'm guessing that it wasn't even cancer. :

My parents will be here tomorrow at noon to buy us lunch and give us our Christmas presents. I'm very nervous about it. I was very uncomfortable last time when she tried to hug me and I am completely ill at ease around her now. Hoping to make the visit as short as possible and attempt to avoid a hug.

[Labbemama]

(hugs minkajane) the old cancer scare tactic, a classic. I'm so sorry. It's such a shame too when you know some of us have loved ones actually dying of cancer and you have some relative claiming that they have it or someone you love has it and it sets of the alarms. I'm at the point now that if my mom told me someone I loved had cancer I wouldn't even bat an eye. I'd pick up the phone and say so, how you doing?

Christmas was something else. It was not as bad as I imagined but it was stressful.

And now I have been informed by SIL-to-Be that they are not doing the justice of the peace thing. They are having a church wedding. I wish db and sil-2-be all the best...but having my mom here in town and my dad too...so not looking foward to it.

One reason is that my mom is being very negative about the fact SIL-2-be is pregnant and she can't stop talking about birth defects, her dd that died over 25 years ago, and her unpleasant pregnancies. SIL had slipped on ice and my mom has been talking what if she mcs again and about sil's health issues.

The ironic thing is that my mom also got pg out of wedlock so she has a lot of room to be running her mouth.

Anyhow I was feeling relief just to get them outta here and now I'm feeling disgust that they are coming back in 4 months and bringing MORE family with them.

I think my mom was behaved well enough for the brief time that sil-2-be was here that she and db decided to go ahead and have a big wedding.

My mom is even worse when she has an audience. She wanted sil-2-be to like her so she was on her very best bx. as soon as they left it was business as usual.

[majikfaerie]

Originally Posted by minkajane

Good timing for this thread! Short version - my dad was physically abusive and bullied/intimidated my siblings and I throughout our childhood. We have a decent relationship now, except sometimes he tries to bully me again. My mom was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. She continues to be verbally abusive and manipulative. I didn't speak to her for over a year, until she told me her dad's cancer had returned and he only had a few months left to live, so I came to visit. Turns out he hadn't even gotten the test results back and I haven't heard anything since, so I'm guessing that it wasn't even cancer. :

My parents will be here tomorrow at noon to buy us lunch and give us our Christmas presents. I'm very nervous about it. I was very uncomfortable last time when she tried to hug me and I am completely ill at ease around her now. Hoping to make the visit as short as possible and attempt to avoid a hug.

my dad also contacted me over xmas, using the "your aunt has terminal cancer" line as an in :

[Violet2]

I don't know if my mom is toxic enough, some of you have such sad experiences to share but...

My mother recently told me I was self-righteous and judgmental in response to my vent about baby proofing. When I said that I accommodate my guests in my home as part of the vent, she said literally 'that's because you think you're better than everyone else.' Which made no sense.

Anyway, my DH assures me I am not anything like my mother has accused me of. Thank goodness for DH, he's my rock.

She was here for Xmas and Xmas day went off on me again about this, by now, inane babyproofing vent. She supposedly did not remember calling me names from the previous conversation and went on to claim that I try to control her. OMFG.

I control her? She lives on the other side of the country. I see her maybe two times a year. She dates married men. Believe me, if I was in control her life would be quite different!

Previously I asked for a loan (to be repaid with interest) to go back to school. She turned me down claiming no money. However, she has loaned over $3k to some loser guy--the brother of her married lover-- to get him out of jail, which has yet to be paid back.(And it's not the lack of payback preventing her from loaning me money, she has six figures in savings as part of her inheirtance and no, I don't think she owes me a loan, but sheesh, if she's handing it out by the thousands to high school drop outs with anger mgmt problems, you would thing I would have a shot.) This is just one example of how everyone else comes first, above and over her own family. Another would be she doesn't want to buy DD gifts b/c DD is "too young to appreciate me."

My DH likes to say she is nice to everyone but me. I'm pretty sure she resents me. She got pg with me when she was 17 and that led her down a life path that I don't think she has enjoyed so she seems to displaces a lot of her anger about that on me.

As an only child, sometimes I seriously feel like saying "Hey be nice to me. I'll be changing your Depends someday."

I hate her sometimes. She makes me doubt myself, who I am. Xmas she had me so confused, I really started to think I'm this evil thing she paints me to be. She's very good.

When she tries, we can get along pretty well, but we both have to work at it. I am not ready to cut her out yet, but it she has sometime toed that line with me.

And that's my toxic mom story.

V

[majikfaerie]

[mamazee]

My parents favor my brother. They're trying to get me to give my brother money because he's having financial problems. But my goodness he bought his kids an XBOX 360 AND a wii, got them each a Zune, and got his girlfriend a $3500 piece of jewelry for Christmas. I didn't spend that much on my own kid and my dh and I didn't exchange gifts to save money. I don't see why I should bail him out after he was so wasteful and I was so careful. They're giving me such pressure. My dh said to make him the bad guy, so I did, and now they're telling me dh is controlling and I should divorce him. I adore dh and am very happy with him. Dh doesn't care what my parents think of him, thankfully. But to me, it is so annoying. The next thing that will happen is my parents will bail my brother out, and they'll be in financial trouble, and then they'll want me to bail them out.

[Labbemama]

(hugs Violet) If you say your mom's toxic that's enough. I don't think anyone wants to win the most toxic mom award. We just want to support each other thru this.

I do hope you will find the money for school somehow. What kind of program are you looking into? Are they supportive of your choice of study or just not supportive of you in general?

Of all my education, my parents contributed about 2k which was wrapped up in church bonds that they would have bought anyway for their church, KWIM? It's a drop in the ocean compared to my student debt.

What I have learned (the hard way) is you don't want to owe this kind of parent ANYthing. Not a cent. I do think that if I needed bail money they would pay. LOL but only because they would enjoy telling everyone what a jam I had got myself into- If it was for something positive, like continuing my education, I could forget it. And that was before I declared a major in psychology. LOL.

[kchara]

Can I join this tribe?? Not that I'm particularly thrilled about the idea, but it's SO nice to know I'm not alone in this!!

I have 3 decades of emotional/verbal/physical abuse from my mom. My dad, he's just so passive-aggressive he let it happen. I love him, but he has the backbone of a jellyfish. They divorced when I was 11, and we stayed with him, for the most part.

My mom married a real effin' winner when I was 15... she had known him 2 weeks.: She's got the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old, I swear. But he could get her good drugs, adn eventually got her hooked. After he was abusive to her, she finally left. They were divorced after some obscene long time, 5 years or something like that.

She remarried him last year. He's off the drugs, which is good, but it's a matter of necessity. See, he had a stroke at work from too much crack, and hit his head on a pallet when he fell, cracked it open. According to her, he had a "complete personality change." Uh huh. What he did was be really nice till she married his loser self again and agreed to take care of him. So i don't feel sorry for her in the least.

Mom has lived with DH and I 3 times since we've been married (2000). All three ended in hell. The last time, we cut her off for 3-4 months. I did call when DS was born, she didn't care, and I sent her a very generic mother's day card that year. (NOT a World's Greatest Mother card, believe you me. Something more along the lines of what I'd give my pastor's wife, or a new mother acquaintence of mine.) Anyway, apparently it was deemed a sufficient enough apology, and peace was restored by Her Majesty.

Her latest little drama? She sent the kids (specifically my DD, who is her favorite), totally inappropriate gifts. DS 20 months got a bunch of things that were 3 years and up, DS 6 got a bunch of toys that were 8 and up, and DD got a ton of crap she knows I don't like in my house, and had told her SPECIFICALLY not to get. And her response? It's so very... MOM!

She has decided that my daughter will hate me when she becomes a teenager, because ALL teenagers HATE AND DESPISE their parents. So (OK, bear with me, this is a crazy woman's twisted thinking) she has decided to basically buy my DD's love now, and make herself DD's favorite, so that when she DOES start to hate me, she'll still love grammy, and she'll come to grammy if she ever has a problem, instead of going to her "little friends or boyfriend."

I hit the roof, at the very idea that she could A) buy DD's love and affection, B) that I'm such a crappy paretn that my kids are going to hate and despise me, and C) that she's just generally trying to take my place in DD's heart.

They all ticked me off so much I was bawling. The day I allow that woman to become that close to my precious daughter, will be the day they lay me in the ground! I KNOW what it's like to be "loved" by her... it's TOTALLy conditional. And usually the condition is, SHE must take precidence over EVERYTHING else in your life. No God, no husband, no children, no family... just this insane woman who MUST be #1. You're either for her or against her, and my the good Lord help you if you're against her!

Well, that's my rant. We've moved 1500 miles away to NOT have to deal with her. Because as DH says, insanity is contagious. And my brother is getting married, so she can pull all her crap with them. (Although I'm still ending up being the bad guy with that wedding, b/c I don't want to take my family of 5 on a cruise when I'm 5 months pregnant and pay for all that crap! But, since she paid for the actual cruise tickets, we're going, I guess. Lucky me.) But, hopefully, by March, all the drama will be over, and we can get back to our nice, quiet life...1500 miles away from the insanity.

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by Labbemama

(hugs Violet) If you say your mom's toxic that's enough. I don't think anyone wants to win the most toxic mom award. We just want to support each other thru this.

I do hope you will find the money for school somehow. What kind of program are you looking into? Are they supportive of your choice of study or just not supportive of you in general?

Of all my education, my parents contributed about 2k which was wrapped up in church bonds that they would have bought anyway for their church, KWIM? It's a drop in the ocean compared to my student debt.

What I have learned (the hard way) is you don't want to owe this kind of parent ANYthing. Not a cent. I do think that if I needed bail money they would pay. LOL but only because they would enjoy telling everyone what a jam I had got myself into- If it was for something positive, like continuing my education, I could forget it. And that was before I declared a major in psychology. LOL.

Thanks for the welcome, not that any of us want to be here.

My mom has been doing well for about 1.5 years and then she quit therapy and went off the deep end again (although I'm not sure there's a correlation between lack of therapy and her brand of viciousness, but there could be kwim?) I'm usually pretty good about keeping boundaries in place that prevent things from escalating, but sometimes she slips by my defenses.

As for school, I have a wonderful stepmom who would help me, but I don't want to do that. We already asked for help to with having another baby. So I will have to look into financial aid of some kind. I'm not sure what I will do and it's up in the air in terms of logistics due to ttc#2 and DH being in school himself (and needing me to tutor him as English is his second language).

My grandmother is spinning in her grave though, I bet. She paid for my mom's education, helped her out with loan after loan. That is the financial ethic my mother was raised with. Further, the more money I make, the better I can take care of my mother in her old age. Plus, where else would you make 8% interest in this economy?

Anyway, I have a generic BA and was looking at going back for Physician Assistant or Nurse Practitioner. There are a lot of pre-reqs (years worth going part-time) and I wanted to avoid financial aid for those, but it looks like I have no choice.

I feel like I need to understand my mom's dysfunction better. I'm tired of being blindsided by her. I need to better understand her so maybe I can better avoid conflict with her. If that is even possible.

V

[LenasMommy]

I am so glad this kind of thread exists.. Its nice to know that other people can relate.

Both of my parents are pretty toxic.. My dad especially.. He abused me most of my childhood, sexually and emotionally.. He is the master manipulator and convinced his side of the family I was crazy and they all pretty much disowned me. Until about a year ago when his sister came forward and said she was abused by him too.. So now they believe me.. still awkward within the family though. My sister is and always has been on his side.. not really sure why, he did things to her too.. although we've never found out to what extent. It makes me sad at times when I think about her supporting a man who did so many awful things. My step dad was also very toxic.. didn't start out that way, but then he got into drinking and he began to physically and verbally abuse my sister and I. I've always seen him as my dad though.. I am estranged from both.

My mom is toxic as well... Mostly emotionally.. She's always depended on me a little too much.. so it's kept me from being able to go out on my own. However when I was away at college, we never talked.. I tried to cut her out of my life then, but when I had my baby (and became a single mom), I had no where else to go. She's gotten better than she used to be.. but is still very enmeshed.. no boundaries what so ever.

All of this is so draining.. I have no one in my family that I can actually trust.. It makes me sad for my daughter.. Her dad is not involved.. Him and his parents want nothing to do with us.. has never met her.. so she has virtually no family.. I hate that for her.. it's unfair.

[majikfaerie]

:

[runurse]

I'm totally new here, and soooo glad I found this. No relationship with my mom for several years. I have 2 daughters and don't want them to go through what I did as a child (very verbal and emotionally abusive). It's hard to share this type of issue with people because I always feel like the "bad daughter".

[nolonger]

:

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. Lena'sMommy, I am raising Terran with essentially no family other than half-siblings and intentional community. My older kids would have been som much better off if I'd had the courage to do the same for them.

Terran does not have a father per se, but the donor I used has connected me with other recipients who are interested in sibling contact for our children and I am hopeful thast at least two of the other mamas will become "aunties" when he is ready for more contactr with extended family.

runurse, I have always been the "bad daughter" and it is still very hard for me to get past the shame and talk about my situation. I grew up hearing the phrase "What is the matter with you?" in a tone of hysterical anger whenever my mother lost her temper. 19yodd and 17yods grew up receiving regular emails and phone calls from my parents which said "We don't know what is the matter with your mother, but you must spend as much time as possible with your (alcoholic crack addicted con artist) father to make sure that you don't wind up like her".

For most of my adult life, I tried to figure out what was the matter with myself so that I could fix it and "earn" my mother's love.

There is nothing the matter with me. There never was. There isn't anything the matter with you either.

:

[Tapioca]

Lurk. Sending hugs to everyone

[Following the sun]

new here

Hi there, I come from a toxic family and have worked real hard to distance myself and my children from that sort of existence. I was successful for a time, but now, my marriage of only 1 .5 yrs is pretty toxic. I have an ID on here alread, but I had to invent this one because my husband knows the other one and i am positive that he will search out my posts and read them.

I need support and do not have anywhere to really go for it. I just want to be able to express myself without him looking at it and taking something out of context or try to make me accountable to him for feelings i may have not shared or have not solidified enough for me to share them.

He is very insecure and has some serious anger issues, many issues in fact. This has caused me to regress in my personal growth. I guess i am not being very specific right now, but i feel hurried because my baby needs a diaper and a booby. I'll come back, peace

[Labbemama]

Violet2-on my worst day I'd rather deal with Wachovia and SallieMae! (my lenders) than to owe my mother money that she would rake me over the coals forever. My dad has promises to help me. He did get an award for my brother but I don't know if he'll ever do it for me. (he's something of a dreamer and if wishes and promises were cash, I'd have money for school. LOL)
As for her golden years...well I take her at her word she's about to expire any minute and make no plans to take care of her in her old age. She better hope my stepdad doesn't dump her as he's younger than her.

Good luck with your career goals! I'm glad your stepmother is supportive. Even if you just do part-time, eventually you will get there. I've been going part time for a decade and now I have 4 degrees working on my 5th.

[fhqwhgads]

Oh toxic parents. I'd write a book on it if they didn't already exist.

My stepfather is, quite possibly, one of the most verbally toxic people I have ever met in my life.

2 years ago, my husband and I escaped Michigan and moved to California. We were in debt, the economy in MI was failing badly, and my mother told us that they would help us get on our feet out there, turn things around and make our lives better.

Ha. Ha.

We lived in their house. What a mistake. My stepfather is a drunk and blamed all their money woes on us. The huge water bills? Our fault, even though HE was the one who would, in a drunken stupor, turn on the hose outside at 6pm, and then pass out, turning it off 12 hours later. Their credit card bills? Our fault, even though we paid them back what we had borrowed for my husband's medical bills (he got extremely sick after we moved out there). He would scream at our daughter, shout extremely foul language (which she began to repeat), and at one point, threatened my mother's life.

The silver lining, for me, was my job. I was a QA Analyst as Sony Online Entertainment. I worked with video games for a living. It was my dream. I was fantastic at it and my supervisors were eyeing me for a better position. I woke up every single day I went to work with a smile.

Then it all came crashing down. My husband couldn't take the stress my stepfather was putting on him. The psychotic screaming episodes, yelling at our daughter, not bathing (he seriously made the house stink like sewage), sleeping naked with the door open with a curious 3 year old in the house...the list goes on and on. My husband was depressed, suicidal, and leaning towards homicidal... one day, while my parents screamed at each other in their bedroom, my husband texts me while I'm working OT..saying that he and DD are going back to MI as soon as possible.

From there my world pretty much collapsed. I loved my job, but I couldn't let them go without me. My stepfather was elated that we were leaving. We returned to MI 2 weeks later. Now we are both jobless, penniless, and my husband has reverted to sleeping all day and playing WoW in between "job hunting" on the internet.

I feel like my toxic stepfather has taken great pains to destroy everything in my life that makes me happy. Even now, with no contact and my stepfather entirely cut out of my life, the effects of his toxicity linger as a constant reminder. I'm depressed and angry and have no desire to do anything but curl up on the couch and pull a blanket over my head.

Anywho, enough about me. Back to your regularly scheduled program!

[nolonger]

: fhqwhgads

i am so sorry about your job. it sounds wonderful,. but of course dh and dd are more important. i also have a horror story about accepting money from toxic parents and advise very strongly against it.

My money story isn't over yet and i am ashamed to post it until it is.

[Hesperia]

I belong here

And, I think I have to much garbage to deal with to vent.

I am estranged from my mother, and don't know my father (yet, see thread in personal growth).

I live across the country from my mother. But, recently doing a reiki session, dealing my mother came up and I cannot get it out of my mind. I had these visions of me distance dealing her...it made me sick. I'm in no position to heal her.

I get physically ill from any contact with my mother, for example before we moved, missed calls or voice mails would leave me jagged and with an upset stomach for a few days. Seeing her leaves me with hard core anxiety attacks.

Looking forward to one day, just letting go...ha

[majikfaerie]