s to you 'spidey
It's good to "get it all out" sometimes. But it's a lot harder to do that with someone you are totally conflicted about.
It's almost sad, but I don't love my mother. I don't feel much of anything other then ambivalence anymore. There was a moment a few years ago when I had flown back because her hospice nurse had called me to let me know she was dieing any day. I dropped everything, left my oldest son and husband, brought my high needs, allergic to all food 2 yr old to the midwest in July. My son cried everyday, multiple times a day, and all he would say was "I wanna go home"..and all I could reply was me too..but I'm getting off topic..back to the story..
So the moment was after almost 3 months there, waiting on her hand and foot. She asks me " Can't you stop it from crying?" Does it do that all the time?"This was my son she spoke of..he was the "it" in question. My patience for all the "but she's sick and dieing" just drained out of me. It was like something small yet vitally important just broke..I swear I could almost feel that snap. That this was where I was, and this was who she is.
I didn't yell,or snap back a condesending answer(which I had often done in the past) I just turned, picked up my son and in a very quiet voice told her "I think it's time for me to go now"
And that was it....done. I went back to the hotel we were staying at and booked a plane ticket . Came back to her place the next day, wished her a happy death and flew home.
It almost makes it easier releasing her from my expectations...and yet I remain troubled that my mom's been commited (she was apparently transfered from the state institution earlier this month) I think I'm on this thread to may be figure out why this is bothering me. I just don't know. Maybe you can never really be completely done.
I'm glad you had the chance to say what you needed to your mom, it's almost freeing to know that you have shared those dissapointments. I'm sorry that loving her makes this hard, and you aren't her
That's a good thing to remember.
thanks for the hugs too..although this has been on the tip of my tongue, I haven't shared it with any of my friends..it was weird enough when I left town for 3 months because my mother was dieing and then coming back because she didn't. I don't really know what to say when people ask me how she's doing. All my adjectives are innapropriate