support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 9

[ellephant]

my mom is emailing me... again.

i just delete them. maybe she will get the hint?
I just can't stand to speak with her. It will just start more trouble and more pain.

[majikfaerie]

Originally Posted by ellephant

my mom is emailing me... again.

i just delete them. maybe she will get the hint?
I just can't stand to speak with her. It will just start more trouble and more pain.

you can block her address so you don't have to see the emails.

[daisymama12]

* nm

[Sarah-Tina]

Just joining

Hope it's ok. I have a toxic mother that i stay in contact with for various reasons. Joining this group/thread for support and inspiration. No time for a RL group. And this is pretty fitting anyway. thanks for being strong ladies.

[flower01]

I check back in every couple weeks and I have to say it's a little hard to keep up with all the drama. Wouldn't be nice to have a life with a little less drama?

I just wanted to let you all know that I've now joined a cult. HaHa. At least that's the rumor about me now since I'm not talking to my mom. My cousin called me (actually he talked to DH) because he wanted to know what was really going on and to make sure we were ok. It was nice to hear from him, though a little disturbing to hear the kinds of things he's hearing.

But, i also see it as a good thing. The crazier the things my mom says, the more other people will realize that I'm not the one that's out of line.

[IsaFrench]

thank you for posting all this .... today is quite horrible for me, I'm trying to get out of on-going toxic relationship with my mil (setting boundaries for their next visit etc ...) .... it's been going on for 9 years and has created a lot of problems in my marriage

my sister advised me to just forget about them since whatever I'll do will be not to their liking but it's the only grand mother my children have so I would feel bad ....

thanks for sharing all you did in the previous pages, reading personnal stories helps me realize I'm not the only one and that others have survived ....

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by IsaFrench

my sister advised me to just forget about them since whatever I'll do will be not to their liking but it's the only grand mother my children have so I would feel bad ....

I think what you really have to consider is... is this the type of grandmother you want your kids to have. Sure, she may be the only one they biologically have, but that doesn't mean anything if she's the type of person you'd rather your children not have as an example. I'm sure there are plenty of other women out there who would love to be an honorary grandma/auntie.

My child will have only one biological grandmother. If I have my way, she will never meet my child. DH and I have been together for almost 7 years, married for almost 5, and I've never met her myself. I do have a couple other females of that generation though, women who were friends of my mother's, and who are more than willing to step into the role of honorary grandmother. And who knows. If things don't improve, this child may never meet her grandfather, either.

[IsaFrench]

Thank you Cristeen for you insight .... I too liked the idea of an honoray grandmother ... until I had an unpleasant suprise last year after befriending an older expatriate when I was living abroad (she slept with the husband of someone via a social setting I introduced her too .... I had no idea one could be still so active at that age ... but then her conversations became a little too hot for my kids' ears + it created quite a stir in that circle ....).

Right now we have moved back to where we were before, I've got some acquaintances from before our previous move ... but no one really who could fit the role ...

Now I also feel bad because I still want my kids to see her, in spite of what I'm not happy about ..... logically I should stop complaining I suppose because I choose to carry on with the relationship ...

some days I wonder if she is aware of the hurt they create between my DH and I ? some other days I think she is so full of her self-importance that she is just oblivious to anything that is not herself ...

sometimes I thing she behaves as she does because tshe wants to push me to divorce ....or that she feels so incompetent that she would be only too happy to put the blame of the breakup at my door ...

My sister suggested that I'm so upset because I'm in a lose/lose situation....

Letting go of the idea that my children should have access to their "real" grandmother is not happening yet ...

I wish I would not be wasting my time about that issue... it seems to be eating me alive sometimes ....

[whitneymum]

well my day started with a message on my machine from my uncle (mother's brother) that my mom has been transfered to the psych unit of the university hospital in her state.

cr*p

just cr*p,,or substitute any number of words in the 4 letter catagory..pick one..c'mon I know I am

My name is Whitney and my mom is a train wreak..not a derailment..but an all out, no one got out alive, all cars detroyed, oh dear God there's a chemical spill run for your lives..train wreak...the kind that evcuates towns and kills all the crops, and cows are born with two heads for like 5 more years...that kind of wreak.

Everyone who she comes in contact with needs decontamination.including me.
Yes, I've been to therapy, wish I could financially support that now as this news, for some reason, weighs heavily. It really shouldn't.It site on the tip of my tongue when I speak to my friends."My mom's been committed, again"

She was living in a hotel for the last 3 years..and I haven't spoken to her in about 8 months..before that only call twice a year.Birthday and Christmas..I give myself the mother's day present of not talking to her on my day.

She has been dieing of liver failure for the last 4 years. Alcohol and Hep C are a great combination. But here's the ironic thing..she just won't die. Been at death's door over and over, full blown liver failure, overdose after overdose.. of Fentyl and Valium, Demerol and Morphine washed down with straight vodka..she'a like a zombie..a z'mom'bie. The freaking undead. That makes me sound like the worst daughter in the world. But d*mmit..you've never met her. Once you do, you know...you get it. The cruelty, the lies, the decpetion.The unsettled way she looks through you. The mental illness.She makes sure everyone around her just thinks the sun shines out of her every orifice. People love her...for a time. Then she just can't keep it up...she uses people up like her chain smoking empties a pack.

bitter? me? yeah...she used to call and write..but what do you talk about to a women who only cares for money,drugs and booze...who will talk so sweetly then can turn right around and literally tell anyone who will listen how mean and awful you are after flying half way across the country to bail her out of jail for a DUI.

There's more of a back story..but not enough time/energy to type it.
She only raised me off and on through my childhood...this situation not anythign new. The only new thing is...this time I'm not running to call a hospital, I'm not jumping on a plane while dropping my life to bail her out of jail,sign a DNR, or help her divorce her latest husband.

I'm done..and I needed somewhere to put that in print..to solidify all this in my brain.

I am not her keeper, I am no longer her rescuer, I have rarely been her daughter..so I am me, here at home typing to other like minded mothers, in the place where I belong. Raising my children without raising my hands(coat hangers, brushes,wooden spoons,etc) to them, raising them to know my love in never conditional, that no man is more important then them. That they are good at heart and no matter what may come to pass in our lives I will be the constant, strong ,pillar that they have come to know and respect. I am unchanging in my mom-ness..I am honest.

I am not my mother.

[nolonger]

: Whitney

Your post was very inspirational to me as well as being sad.

I am not my mother either.

I kind of gave her a piece of my mind on a Valentine card and that may well be the last I hear from her. I just got started listing all the GOOD things she did for me and telling her how sad I felt that these things were all either fgake in the firts place or things that she no longer valued. I didn't edit my thoughts at all, just scribbled, sealed, and sent.

I do love my mother. That's the hard part.

[whitneymum]

s to you 'spidey

It's good to "get it all out" sometimes. But it's a lot harder to do that with someone you are totally conflicted about.

It's almost sad, but I don't love my mother. I don't feel much of anything other then ambivalence anymore. There was a moment a few years ago when I had flown back because her hospice nurse had called me to let me know she was dieing any day. I dropped everything, left my oldest son and husband, brought my high needs, allergic to all food 2 yr old to the midwest in July. My son cried everyday, multiple times a day, and all he would say was "I wanna go home"..and all I could reply was me too..but I'm getting off topic..back to the story..
So the moment was after almost 3 months there, waiting on her hand and foot. She asks me " Can't you stop it from crying?" Does it do that all the time?"This was my son she spoke of..he was the "it" in question. My patience for all the "but she's sick and dieing" just drained out of me. It was like something small yet vitally important just broke..I swear I could almost feel that snap. That this was where I was, and this was who she is.
I didn't yell,or snap back a condesending answer(which I had often done in the past) I just turned, picked up my son and in a very quiet voice told her "I think it's time for me to go now"
And that was it....done. I went back to the hotel we were staying at and booked a plane ticket . Came back to her place the next day, wished her a happy death and flew home.

It almost makes it easier releasing her from my expectations...and yet I remain troubled that my mom's been commited (she was apparently transfered from the state institution earlier this month) I think I'm on this thread to may be figure out why this is bothering me. I just don't know. Maybe you can never really be completely done.

I'm glad you had the chance to say what you needed to your mom, it's almost freeing to know that you have shared those dissapointments. I'm sorry that loving her makes this hard, and you aren't her That's a good thing to remember.
thanks for the hugs too..although this has been on the tip of my tongue, I haven't shared it with any of my friends..it was weird enough when I left town for 3 months because my mother was dieing and then coming back because she didn't. I don't really know what to say when people ask me how she's doing. All my adjectives are innapropriate

[tiffani]

*

[Labbemama]

(hugs) all around.

For me things have been quiet lately. Enough to keep me busy with work, school, and my own onery dd.

I had an incident this week at work that resulted in witnessing child abuse, being threatened by the irate parent, and the children being removed from the home. I am totally safe, the kids were too except the harm done by the words cuz I never left them and called the police, but ICK.

This is the first time kids have ever been removed on my report-so that is a hard thing. There is no satisfaction in it that's for sure.

I wouldn't do anything different though. (Sigh) Glad I could be the person there to stand up for that kid when she needed someone to advocate for her. Wish it could have been different and her parent would have made different choices in regards to parenting.

I get so frustrated because only the worst things can be proven. : And words, well words don't leave a mark anyone can see.

Anyhow, that's my thoughts for this week. Just wondering if you all do volunteer work, work in a profession with kids, foster parent or adopt...that kind of thing as a result of your upbringing.

[Labbemama]

Tiffany-In regards to how to answer ppl who inquire about how your mom is doing, how about simply saying "about the same." Most ppl will probably get the idea if they know her and not probe further unless they are just curious about the drama. I have to do that with my inlaws they ask because it's like a trainwreck and they really just want to know what crazy thing she had done now. I really don't want to talk about how my mom is doing so it can be repeated later. KWIM? I feel embarrassed. I feel sad. If I wasn't thinking about her I sure don't want to start and ruin an otherwise pleasant moment.

One time, I said very honestly, "She is really struggling with the loss of her father." (that was very much understating it) but a compassionate answer towards her and I'm sure she'd appreciate a sympathy card which is in the realm of normal social interactions. The truth was her father/abuser had died and she was displaying pretty bad psychotic symptoms but you just can't say that at a church potluck ya know.

I'd go with honest, short, and sweet.

I get really uptight when ppl ask what we are doing for the holidays. LOL.

[whitneymum]

Originally Posted by Labbemama

(hugs) all around.

For me things have been quiet lately. Enough to keep me busy with work, school, and my own onery dd.

I had an incident this week at work that resulted in witnessing child abuse, being threatened by the irate parent, and the children being removed from the home. I am totally safe, the kids were too except the harm done by the words cuz I never left them and called the police, but ICK.

This is the first time kids have ever been removed on my report-so that is a hard thing. There is no satisfaction in it that's for sure.

I wouldn't do anything different though. (Sigh) Glad I could be the person there to stand up for that kid when she needed someone to advocate for her. Wish it could have been different and her parent would have made different choices in regards to parenting.

I get so frustrated because only the worst things can be proven. : And words, well words don't leave a mark anyone can see.

Anyhow, that's my thoughts for this week. Just wondering if you all do volunteer work, work in a profession with kids, foster parent or adopt...that kind of thing as a result of your upbringing.

wow, good for you mama! Sorry it was so intense for you though.

I did work in a social service field for a number of years...also taught parenting,nutrition, and breastfeeding support to teen mamas that had either been in the foster care system or their children were in danger of ending up there..or sometimes both.I did home visits with the public health nurses for awhile as well and have also had to file reports for child abuse It's a hard step to take sometimes.Glad you got involved.

I totally think my career choice had to do with my upbringing..I was always trying to "save" my mom..and so I majored in nursing when I went to colege..then I worked in patient advocacy for Hep C patients..yeah..y'think my childhood influenced me a bit for career choice??

And so, I actually don't do much of that anymore...I'm a sahm, but also a doula and I volunteer at a local social service agency..but no longer a "face to face"position.

s to all the mamas here. We break the cycle everytime we make a better choice then our parents.Good on ya Labbemama!

[MPJJJ]

I am a foster parent. It's a calling. Perhaps I would have become a foster parent even if I wasn't raised in a dysfunctional family, but my experiences have definately been a factor. Currently I have 2 fosters who have been mistreated for all of their 7 and 10 years, and it is very uplifting to see them start to recover, day by day, and begin to understand how a normal, positive family works.

[Labbemama]

Yeah, I kinda thought maybe ya'll had gone into some kind of helping professions.
I've been a foster parent too. I think sometimes if this bunch (our bio children) doesn't do dh and I in that we might become foster parents again in our retirement. Having been a foster parent really helps me in counseling foster families though.

Currently I'm a counselor and I have worked as a teacher too.

Whitney, was just thinking of you. How are you holding up?

[whitneymum]

Labbemama - thanks for thinking of me I needed it this week. I'm doing alright in the "my mother's a nut case" part of life..but struggling with how my husband is handling our oldest son. It reminds me too much of the way my own home life was like. He has completely withdrawn from him (17 yrs old ) They were bickering constantly, fighting and my husband was taking this awful condesending tone of voice for some time,it got to the point where nearly everything my son did was wrong. I broke down crying one night and told him the fighting had to stop. They needed to work out their differences and have a real relationship. We, of course, fought about it..and lots of things were my fault..of which I expected. Then my husband said he needed some time to not be angry anymore, then he would sit down and talk with him. This was a month ago. He barely says three words to him..has also stopped telling him he loves him. My son told me he's pretty much given up on his dad ever talking to him..he's tried apologizing..but my husband just says "thank you" and walks off. Or comments he doesn't trust himself enough to speak to him right now.
This is causing a pretty severe reaction in me at this point..this is not the man I married. He also came from a abusive home (his dad) and was then adopted by his step-dad who really didn't want children. So, he has no relationship with either.I am withdrawn from him most of the time.
I feel bad posting this..but I'm hoping you other mamas will understand.He will not go to family counceling, and won't give me a reason why.
This is bringing me back to a place that I thought I'd left behind.
He is also pretty cold to me right now as well....reminds me of my mother way too much. Love was ALWAYS conditional. The younger ones see it too. I fell lost in my own home.
Luckily my kiddos are home all week,(school break) so my oldest and I have had a lot of time to just hang out. We're pretty close, which is good.
I don't know what else to do..but I hate the way I feel...small, and no control over how this plays out.

Sorry that everytime I post it's a freakin' book..I swear I'll get more succinct soon.

s to all the mamas here.

[FelixMom]

Can I join this tribe even if my mom died 3 yrs ago?

Because we didn't get along at all for many years, and I still have to deal with my dad and brothers who are still stuck in the dysfunction (co-dependent, passive-aggressive dynamics) that I left over ten years ago. My mother was the tyrant and dad was unable to stand up to her most of the time. Now that mom has passed away, lo and behold, it's now one of my brothers who's taken over the role of being the tyrant, manipulating and bullying my dad, who takes in all the abuse in the name of "family harmony"

Seriously, when my mother became terminally ill, I began to notice that this brother in particular had taken on a lot of the mannerisms and thought patterns of mom. So long as he's alive, she's still around, in spooky scary way. Fascinating how dysfunction is transmitted in families if you don't take action.

I took action by leaving home and moving a good 600 km away. There came a point where my mental health was worth the price of rent. After years of being vilified as the bad daughter, the black sheep, I got sick and tired of having to always justify my existence. For me, my family of origin was *NEVER* a soft place to land, where I could be accepted for who I was.

The armchair psychologist in me still wonders from time to time what circumstances created her histironics, her narcissism, and her DRAMA QUEEN ways, because they definitely left an indelible mark on her favored son, the brother who now sounds like a living parrot of her. Ugh!

Sending vibes of solidarity, courage and love to all you mamas out there who need it

[blessed mommy]

As a dd of two scr*wed up,divorced, toxic parents....I am officially subbing.

Someone just suggested a book called (I think...) _Bad Childhood, Good Life_ by a Dr. laura(I guess she has a talk or radio show, but is a much better writer than speaker?)-has anyone found this helpful? I suppose I would be a little hesistant to read it,because as much as my childhood *did* suck, the effects my toxic parents have had on our dc, is what gets me the most.