support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 2

[layne]

Originally Posted by Tapioca

It may sound strange, but I think part of their lack of interest is caused by DD looking so much like my husband's side of the family. Well, judging by the emails we've recieved where they've asked us to please have another child that looks like them. Okay then, crazy parents! I'll get onto spitting out a clone for you!

OMGoodness! That sounds like my ILs in reverse! My kids are enough like me that people always ask me where my clones are when I get a rare break but my ILs talk like dh reproduced himself completely. They are very proud of this fact and seemed actually relieved my clones did not look like me in their opinions. It made me think of the A.S. Byatt novella, Morpho Eugenia.

NOS, you need to grieve for your sister. No one can change who she was and no one can grieve for you. It was selfless of you to help your parents with it but you deserve support too. The loss was as much yours as theirs. I'm so glad you have your letters.
layne

[MPJJJ]

Oh I know what it is like having parents who dont make my kids a priority. We moved 1000 miles to be near them, and moved into a house 2 miles down the road. From then on they've had nothing to do with the kids. They have missed about 20 birthday parties, never went to a school play, grandparents day, field trip, or wrestling match. They used to stop by and see the kids for less than 10 minutes on their way into town, and would spend much more time browsing sears than visiting. They never even sat down! It's very frustrating, and my kids are noticing, so I knew it was time to cut all ties.
Yesterday there was a birthday card taped to my front door for my son, which is a first, because they usually get phone calls. (They live 40 minutes away!!) So at least they are respecting the fact that I don't want to see them right now, though knowing them, they are sulking, thinking I'm being a bitch and they havent done anything to deserve this.

[MPJJJ]

What happened to this thread? Where is everyone?

I got the ball rolling... thought it over for a month and then took the road of confrontation. I sent my parents a letter detailing the reasons why I am no longer speaking to them, and told them that I know they knew that their brothers molested me. I told them that I also don't understand why they are such distant grandparents, and one day they will realize what they have lost.

My mom called my cell and left voicemails saying that they are very upset and could be getting a divorce. (Emotional manipulation and blackmail is just like her.) Then sent me another one saying they love us and want to work this out. I don't know what to do, other than to give us all a few days and then perhaps talk to them. Now is just too soon.

It's upsetting, and I feel like I have a vicegrip on my heart. Nobody ever says anything, this is a "sweep it under the rug, don't rock the boat" family. This is unchartered territory. I stressed over and over that I will not allow my children to be hurt the way that they allowed the family to hurt me. My kids deserve better.

I keep reminding myself that I have nothing to lose. That I deserved to get this off my chest, that the cycle of silence needs to be broken once and for all. But it still hurts, and I am so anxious.

[captain crunchy]

mama

I come from a "sweep everything under the rug" family too -- but confusingly and annoyingly, also a "let's dredge things up at the most inappropriate times" family too. It is truly baffling.

You deserve to feel safe though so just make sure everything is on your terms.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ

It's upsetting, and I feel like I have a vicegrip on my heart. Nobody ever says anything, this is a "sweep it under the rug, don't rock the boat" family. This is unchartered territory. I stressed over and over that I will not allow my children to be hurt the way that they allowed the family to hurt me. My kids deserve better.

I keep reminding myself that I have nothing to lose. That I deserved to get this off my chest, that the cycle of silence needs to be broken once and for all. But it still hurts, and I am so anxious.

My family is totally that way, too (sweep it under the rug, don't rock the boat, as you put it.)

The facade of "we are a happy family" matters more than how people in the family actually feel.

But, my mom did call me today and we had a nice little chat and she didn't push me about talking to my dad, so that was good!

[MPJJJ]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

mama

I come from a "sweep everything under the rug" family too -- but confusingly and annoyingly, also a "let's dredge things up at the most inappropriate times" family too. It is truly baffling.

You deserve to feel safe though so just make sure everything is on your terms.

Thank you. I was feeling very guilty about the messages until my DH told me to just listen to them, I might feel better. My mom had her most insincere tone, saying "Your dad is pissed off at me now, we are probably going to get a divorce. We do want to see the boys, but lately you havent been letting us." Umm, since when? It's only been a month since I stopped speaking to her, the last time she stopped by and saw the boys was March! She lives 40 minutes away!!!

Not a word was said about the molestation by her brother. Not an "I'm sorry". Just attitude and emotional manipulation. Our relationship will never recover, now. She did know. And she didn't care. She still doesn't. It's all about her.

<sigh>

[captain crunchy]

Pleeeeassse remember that *you* are not responsible for anyone else's emotions or actions!!!! What your mom said was very emotionally manipulative imo. She was trying to make *you* responsible for the potential dissolving of her marriage! That is just.... ridiculousness!

Hang in there mama.

[LavenderMae]

I come from a family that likes to re-write history. My childhood apparently was just a delusion. They also sweep things under the rug but also like to dredge up things I've said or done in the past. But they were always just doing the best the could (said my grandmother so many times), nope that's just not good enough and also not even true.
My mom is the queen of using things you've said against you, it can be small unimportant things or big things. She also has used her messed up mothering to make me feel guilty. She has talked to me about it in such inappropriate and emotionally damaging ways. Because of course it's really all about her.
She's also the queen of manipulation she has a real nack for it. It's almost an art with her.

My grandmother is the queen of denial and just denies denies denies. I haven't spoken to her in many months either and really I just don't see the point in doing so. She is the closest thing I ever had to a mother though. And she's getting older and not in great health. But she has made it clear over the years and recently that she does not like me and does not care about having a relationship with me. Of course all 'said' with out actually saying it, nope being upfront and honest isn't her strong suite. She's very passive aggressive.

[Tapioca]

MPJJJ; hugs.

When I broke off contact with my mother for a year, I got a ripper email from my father saying they'd CUT ME OUT OF THE WILL! And then went on to eviscerate my character. They tried various lures to draw me back in: family emergency, etc. etc but I ignored all of them. A year later, when I was ready and feeling sufficiently detached enough to deal, I called them again.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you. It is hard, but in my experience, also liberating to take control.

[urklemama]

Here is an example of my mother being crazy:

She said in passing, totally casually, that she had always wondered if I'd been molested by a family friend. I haven't been, but he's a bad guy in other ways. She knows this. She still let me spend a ton of time around when I was little. And apparently this is something she can just drop into conversation, like "do you remember that coat you used to have" or something.

But how do you even explain to people why you don't have contact with your mother when this kind of thing is the reason? If he HAD molested me, on her watch, it would be normal to cut off contact. But this is much harder to convey. It's that it's apparently not important to her if I had been.

And what do I tell my children? How do you explain this kind of thing? "Nothing specifically bad happened to me, but that is pure luck and I felt unprotected and terrified my entire childhood and it took until well into my adulthood to understand that I was reacting to a real lack of love from my mother, as well as a lack of basic common sense?"

[Tapioca]

Urklemama. That's just nasty.

Speaking for myself, I don't explain. My line is "I have a family/parents but we're not close" and I leave it at that. 95% of the time that's all that needs to be said and people know not to pry. If someone presses, then I try and think of a very specific, factual example, delivered in a very matter of fact manner. Like, the 6 point priority list with DD as the last priority, specific examples of violence, that kind of thing.

It was hardest when my DH didn't get it. For a while, he just thought I needed to grow up and let my parents go, like an adult. Then we went to NZ and spent some time with them and he saw them in action. The controlling, self-absorbed behaviour, lack of interest in DD, lack of respect for him, and the final straw, the day my mother called him a liar.

Yeah. He totally gets it now and backs me up if it ever comes up among friends. He calls my mother the Heart of Darkness :

Sending hugs to all.

[Tapioca]

Urklemama, I like your explanation. something along those lines works. "I was not safe as a child. She left me with criminal/irresponsible people and didn't care".

[gypsypoet]

Checking in here and feeling all the pain...my mother is toxic as well.

Can't put it into words right now Althea's naptime isn't that long to allow for adequate explanation!!!!!!

Will try later after bedtime

[nolonger]

My parents are old enough and out of touch with reality enough that i feel okay blaming it on a vague physical problem:

"My parents were still alive when you were born, but they were very old and sick and sometimes old people get a kind of sick that makes them say and do mean things so they can't be grandparents."

I did get an email reply and both of my parents sound very alzheimer-y-ish. Mom refers to dd and ds1 as 'My grandchildren", although they certainly don't consider themselves to be possessions of hers.

I'm struggling with the voice I have internalized that says i am bad, stupid, a failure, an idiot, doomed to die a bag lady because i wasn't even good enough to be a "crazy dog lady".

This flies in the face of reason. the pathetic idiot she thinks I am whines over every hangnail so how could a loser like that ever birth without an epidural? My older kids may not respect me, but they are well educated, so how did that happen after seventeen years of being homeschooled by a ditz like "Flitterboo", their nickname for me?

I'm really balking at the physical abuse chapter of Toxic Parents. i have no memory of physical abuse, but my parents are also great rewriters of history and there is one incident wghere Sis "had to be slapped because she was hysterical and you slap people to bring them out of hysteria".

I don't know if i witnessed the incident or not, but i do know that shortly thereafter sis was commited to a mental institution where she remained for the next four years.

She was ten years old.

[mytwogirls]

May I join? I am currently having a nogoodverybad day All I have is my immediate family, my parents are not in my life. I am too tired to give details, but it is comforting to know there is more than just me dealing with this.

[Tapioca]

No ordinary spider: hugs.


hi newbies. I'm sorry but glad you're here.

[nolonger]

(((((((((((((Mytwogirls))))))))))))

No, you're not alone. I seem to be having one of those days too.

thank you, Tapioca.

[sunkissedmumma67]

I sadly belong here. I'm 41 years old and live in the same town as my parents, but keep my distance. I do talk to my mom on the phone a couple times a month and see her about once a month, my contact with my dad is even less. Growing up my dad abusived me severly, mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically. My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive, and basically allowed my dad to beat me. But even after moving out at 16, to go and live on the streets of Hollywood. My parents always seemed to find a way to terrorize me, even when it was somewhat disguised by them as help. I mean to this day they are often just plain mean. Though as they have gotten older, they have gotten a little better, they are still just completely strange acting though, as in if my mom calls and cant get me she will leave several messages, over and over and in each message, she just sounds more and more angry. Then sometimes shes been known to come over and pound on the door for quite sometime. Both my parents are always negative about everything, i mean even positive things, they will find a way to make negative. Also when i tell them something, they seem to not at all hear a word i say and just will make something completely different out of it. Well i could just go on and on, but i'll wait!

[sunkissedmumma67]

[mytwogirls]

sunkissedmumma67 I too live near a VERY small town with my parents living in it. They, including the only sister I have, have NOTHING to do with me at all. They turned my sister against me and some other family members so I really have hardly any family on my side to talk to. It sucks because I hate running into them at the grocery store or gas station, most of the time I will drive around until they leave crying and anxious because I think "God these are my parents and I have to wait until they leave a public place before I can go in." But I go near them they will make a scene trust me. I hate this time of year. I had a bad, horrible childhood and the scars to prove it, but I still wish for a family every Christmas. I have a wonderful DH and his family is awesome, but dang why can't I have a family? I just wonder what I am going to tell my daughters when they get older asking where mommy's mommy and daddy are.