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support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 11

post #201 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
Question for everyone--how do you get beyond missing your parents, or at least who you wanted them to be?

And how do you get over the guilt of cutting them off, or just plain letting them go?
A&A,
Thanks for asking this. I am stuck-and I have had lots of therapy. Dr. Laura's book _Bad Childhood Good Life_ helped a little bit, but honestly, I was in such survival mode when growing up-it is now, as an adult, wife, and mom, that the impact has really hit me. Like I feel my dc's hurt from the absence of doting grandparents-and feel their rejection-almost more than I felt it as a kid. Wierd.

I have such a huge hole in my heart, and that hole just grows as my dc become older, and *they* realize how different their gps are.

NEW QUESTION.....

I am trying to remember the name of a book....it is about trying to parent a girl? when you, yourself were not appropriately mothered. Does this ring a bell for anyone?

Thanks!

post #202 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed mommy View Post
A&A,
Thanks for asking this. I am stuck-and I have had lots of therapy. Dr. Laura's book _Bad Childhood Good Life_ helped a little bit, but honestly, I was in such survival mode when growing up-it is now, as an adult, wife, and mom, that the impact has really hit me. Like I feel my dc's hurt from the absence of doting grandparents-and feel their rejection-almost more than I felt it as a kid. Wierd.

I have such a huge hole in my heart, and that hole just grows as my dc become older, and *they* realize how different their gps are.

NEW QUESTION.....

I am trying to remember the name of a book....it is about trying to parent a girl? when you, yourself were not appropriately mothered. Does this ring a bell for anyone?

Thanks!

Is it Reviving Ophelia!
post #203 of 402
That sounds familiar.
The one I read before that was "my mother, myself" about how mother's shape our self-image. I was a teen when I read that, but Ophelia is a classic must read. Like Raising Cain for mom's of boys.
post #204 of 402
Nope. I found it in the media forum!!:

It is _Mothering Without a Map_.

I have the Ophelia one-I liked it, but the author really needs to write a revised edition, imho.

That otherone sounds interesting. I'll have to see if our library carries it!

Thank you!!

post #205 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed mommy View Post
A&A,
Thanks for asking this. I am stuck-and I have had lots of therapy. Dr. Laura's book _Bad Childhood Good Life_ helped a little bit, but honestly, I was in such survival mode when growing up-it is now, as an adult, wife, and mom, that the impact has really hit me. Like I feel my dc's hurt from the absence of doting grandparents-and feel their rejection-almost more than I felt it as a kid. Wierd.

I have such a huge hole in my heart, and that hole just grows as my dc become older, and *they* realize how different their gps are.

NEW QUESTION.....

I am trying to remember the name of a book....it is about trying to parent a girl? when you, yourself were not appropriately mothered. Does this ring a bell for anyone?

Thanks!



Mothering without a Map (Oh, I see you already figured that out!)
post #206 of 402
I think the author of reviving Ophelila did an updated version a year or two back.
post #207 of 402
<sigh> I'm back here again... I don't know what's going on, whether it's the pregnancy, or my subconscious kicking my butt or what, but I've dreamt of my father almost every night for the past 2 weeks. And the nights I'm not dreaming of him, I'm dreaming of my sister... WHY!?! Why can't I just get past this? Why can't I let it go? I finally decided not to initiate any more contact with them, for the sake of my child, if not myself. But why on earth can't I get a good night's sleep undisturbed by them?

Now I just feel like I'm whining... and maybe I am. <sigh>
post #208 of 402
Hi all. Posting again after an absence.

My mum is coming to visit next month so I'm mentally preparing for that. The last visit was both of them. During that visit I realised my Dad is crazy. He thinks he can talk to God and that God tells him stuff. I wonder if he's bipolar, it would explain a lot.

With my mum, it's more that she's just a narcissist. Last visit home I realised she is not capable of love, but now at least, I accept that.

Anyway, hi. Sigh.
post #209 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by cristeen View Post
<sigh> I'm back here again... I don't know what's going on, whether it's the pregnancy, or my subconscious kicking my butt or what, but I've dreamt of my father almost every night for the past 2 weeks. And the nights I'm not dreaming of him, I'm dreaming of my sister... WHY!?! Why can't I just get past this? Why can't I let it go? I finally decided not to initiate any more contact with them, for the sake of my child, if not myself. But why on earth can't I get a good night's sleep undisturbed by them?

Now I just feel like I'm whining... and maybe I am. <sigh>
Not whining...processing. Now you've cut off contact, it's prolly safe to do so.
post #210 of 402
subbing.

I've been in denial that my father is bad enough to actually be "toxic." Until today when he told me that he has to constantly bite his tongue about my parenting skills (or lack thereof?). I read a thread recently where the poster was wondering something like "how come people hate on my parenting skills but think my dc is the most well behaved, healthy child to ever walk the face of the earth? Is this all in SPITE of my terrible parenting?" That's how I feel. DD is happy, healthy, outgoing, smart, but I'm a crappy parent. And the only parent she has.

He went on to tell me he's ashamed of my behavior and then started in on the usual "I never said *insert phrase he just used five seconds ago" to make me feel crazy and stupid. What did I do to start this? I asked him to stop unbabyproofing the house behind me (long story) and DD and I left mass this morning early.

Remembering back to when I was pregnant with my DD, and hastily considering marrying my now ex ... when you're planning a shotgun wedding, the part giving you panic attacks should NOT be the guest list. I've never ever wanted a real wedding because I don't want half of my family there. I never wanted my father to walk me down the aisle. I could never understand why a girl would want that. My father just ensured that when I move, I won't be coming back to visit, ever. If I get married, he's not invited.

The really hard part of this is that my stepmother babysits DD twice a week while I work. DD is only awake for 2 hours or so of this as I work nights. My father is very good with DD and she actually mellows him out, so I don't worry about her at this young age, and we will be moving out of the area by the end of the year.

I know, I should find a new sitter, but I have to save money and it is impossible to find sitters for my schedule.

Ugh! Sorry this was so long but I'm just so upset right now.
post #211 of 402
I fit in here too as I have recently cut off my mother for good, and my father will just follow her into oblivion. I got a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder for my mother from my therapist and the book Understanding the Borderline Mother has changed my life for the better- finally validation that I wasn't a bad kid after 30 years of shame, guilt, and being told I was a piece of trash one day and "loved" the next. My mom won't acknowledge that she has a problem and there is no way in h*ll I am going to let her near me or my children ever again.

It hurts to be motherless. But I have been motherless my whole life. Now I have the beautiful job of mothering my daughters and I am going to do a kick a** job of it! :
post #212 of 402
Can I Join


Hugs to everyone on here.....
post #213 of 402
Haven't chimed in for a while. Stumbled across a website talking about Narcisstic Personality Disorder and felt that described what I had to live through with my mother to a tee. That and everyone back at home being co-dependent to varying degrees.

Sending tranquil thoughts to anyone who needs them.
post #214 of 402
Can I join? I hate my mother with a burning passion. Thats not healthy right?
post #215 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by aniT View Post
Can I join? I hate my mother with a burning passion. Thats not healthy right?
Well, the hate is only hurting you, so I guess not.

I've gotten to the point where I don't hate my mother. But, I'd rather not deal with her. And, she's making it easy for me by not talking to me, right now. Yay me!
post #216 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by princesstutu View Post
Well, the hate is only hurting you, so I guess not.

I've gotten to the point where I don't hate my mother. But, I'd rather not deal with her. And, she's making it easy for me by not talking to me, right now. Yay me!
I would like to get to that point. But we moved to another state and she followed us and now she has my oldest daughter living there and wrapped around her finger. Without giving upon DD I don't know how to distance myself from her.

And I resent her and hate her more every single day cause she would rather have her pride than just apologize for once in her freaking life.
post #217 of 402
My story is too long, complicated and painful to try and nut-shell, at the moment.

The latest is that my mother decided that she can no longer sit by and watch my (consensual, but "wrong," in her eyes) relationship affect me and her grandson. She vented her feelings from the last few months over the phone to me yesterday, and I shut down by the end of it. I don't know what her point and purpose was, but she did a good job of devastating me -- to the point I almost went to the hospital so as not to endanger myself.

She has her own history with being abused and being abusive, and I had thought she was getting better. Guess not.

So, I've lost a part of my support team and -- surprise -- I've been having back pain and BH contractions since yesterday.

I didn't want to have to do this without her. I have days where I absolutely hate the situation, too, but I have no other choice. She had a choice. She made her decision. Now I have to figure out how to pick myself back up and get by.
post #218 of 402
Serenekitten, I'm so sorry you are going thru this without the support of your mom. Have you heard of a group called Sidelines? They totally helped me when I was going thru a high risk pregnancy..and at times like that having a supportive family is so important and if you don't, it's really painful how UN-helpful they are. (big hugs)

having major family drama here because my sil-to-be-is having a lot of pregnancy complications. She got put on bedrest and now there's a huge uproar over what to do about the May 23rd wedding. My dad is already here and trying to convince them to "get it over with" now. That will totally throw my mom into a tizzy if he's here and she isn't. And I was terrifed she would be headed out here, but so far- she hasn't. That is not the kind of "help" anyone needs.

If I'm lucky maybe they will get married now and have the reception after baby and then maybe I'll only have to see my whole family once. Really, really selfish of me. I think sil-to-be is gonna have the wedding as planned though.

Tell you what I'm sick of hearing everyone's "what they should do is."/"What they should have done is gone to the J/P to begin with." I bet they are too.
post #219 of 402
Yes, I've heard of Sidelines, but haven't looked very closely at it. Thankfully, I'm not high-risk, yet... just really high-stress. I talked to Mom yesterday and told her the truth about my feelings, which is unusual for me and I think it surprised her. We're going to be meeting up tonight to talk in-person and see how things go. She just had so much to say the other afternoon that her intent was lost -- she said yesterday that she didn't mean that she didn't want to see me or the baby. But it sure felt that way.

I hope your sil-to-be's complications ease up, soon, and that she and your brother make the decisions that are best for them. Though I don't blame you for not wanting to see your family any more than necessary!
post #220 of 402
I'm glad that you were able to talk to your mom SereneKitten and that was not what she meant.

As for my sil-to-be...she is still having high blood pressure still daily. The diabetes is going better though! She's supposed to be on bedrest but she's still doing a bunch of stuff. going to school, going to her grandma's. etc. I told her about LOA but she didn't do it. So we know she's running all around doing stuff and then calling my dad because he's a nurse and her bp is high. They told her to rest because it's way too high. My dad bought her a cuff. It's her first baby. I would sure hate to see her end up in the hospital but really she is not very compliant and I think that's what's gonna happen.

My dad just left this morning and I'm kind of glad because he's been putting a LOT, I mean a LOT of pressure on them to just do it now and have a reception the 23rd. Personally I see no difference if they are going to skip the short ceremony the 23rd and still have the big get together. Personally I don't care a lick about the timing of their marriage. All I care about is that the baby is safe and the less drama the better from the family.

So all I can do is try to keep my mouth shut and be as helpful as possible. The helpful part comes naturally atleast. We did find some ways to help out. The mouth shut...ugh, venting a little here because it's too dangerous to say anything to anyone in my family/friends circle about it.

My dad called her a "dumb first time calf- heiffer." I really don't want to fight with my dad but that just goes too far. Grrr.

I am very worried for this girl and my baby nephew though that week before the wedding can be so stressful even under the BEST conditions and our family putting it mildly would not be optimal. Her doc said she could still have her wedding, which is good, but I don't think she knows the stress comin' this way. I mean how could you without having been married before. No one could foresee the drama that each visit brings. I DREAD it. But the wedding is not about me. But I still DREAD having them here. I am really grateful for the nice life that I have. And dh poor dh will be trying to cope without nicotine. Pray for us all. Seriously. :-)

Last night my DH BEGGED my dad to stay here so that my mom won't hang around here. Begged him. Same man who hid upstairs most the week cuz my dad annoyed him so much. LOL. My dad said yes he'd be happy to stay here and ward off my mom. That's gonna really tick her off, but it solves the dog drama.
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