It has taken me forever to read all the posts in this thread, but I'm so glad I have read them. I have found my niche, all right! I'm SO glad this thread is here, and it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Comforting but sad, too. I wish we had all had wonderful parents.
I like A&A's question about how do you mourn the loss of the parents you wish you had had. How do you get over not having had parents to nurture and love you? That is a good question. I don't think you ever "get over it." I think it leaves a big hole. Somehow, maybe you just work around the hole, and try to fill in the hole as much as possible by being loving parents ourselves or nurturing in other ways, and by more spirituality if that helps, and by good friendships with safe and sound people (well, I'm not great at making friends), and by other means.
I still mourn my parents. My dad committed suicide when I was 12---he had untreated bipolar disorder (called manic depression then.) My mom has gotten progressively more toxic over the years and finally about 2 years ago we had to totally cut her off. Which is SAD, because she lives only 45 minutes away, and we have five beautiful, wonderful kids who would bring her so much joy if she were a person we could let into our home. Plus, it would be amazing to have a parent here to nurture us, maybe help out a little like watch the kids once in a blue moon, or bring us a bag of groceries, or whatever! And I would have loved also nurturing HER, like just helping her out as she grows older, bringing her little gifts that the kids made, sharing grownup chats with her, learning from any wisdom she might share and telling her thanks for it, going out and doing stuff together, and so on. But a mom with narcissistic personality disorder, who also HATES the human race and especially her daughter/all females) is NOT a lot of fun to be around.
I won't even bother going into the stories of all the toxic stuff. This thread is full of even worse stories! But the last straw was when I lost our fifth baby during the pregnancy, which was beyond devastating. I was hospitalized immediately for procedures related to that, and while I was in the hospital, our oldest DD called my mom to tell her what had happened. (A friend of mine was staying at our house with the kids.) DH was with me at the hospital. Anyway, my mom never called back to talk to DH or me, or offer any kind of support or help. She never called back period. She didn't even care that we had lost the baby, she just didn't want to be asked to help out in any way. She knew that I had just had surgery and would be caring for the other four kids when I came home. She never so much as even sent a postcard offering to help, or to say sorry about losing the baby. That was the absolute END of that relationship. And for many reasons, the relationship should have been ended well before then.
Anyway, I refuse to have any more contact. Since then she has sent presents to the kids by mail, but I have not acknowledged the gifts and have just thrown them out. She stopped sending stuff. She called once on my birthday and left a message. I'm sure she feels bad to lose her daughter, but it was her choice, not mine. I didn't have a choice anymore. She is too toxic. No one in the family of origin has any relationship with her; they are more acquaintances.
Well, we finally had our fifth baby come for good, and he is perfect in every way. I did not tell my mom but she will have found out from other family members (with whom I have excellent relationships.) I hope she realizes what she's missing. And why. But no, she'll never figure it out. She just thinks the rest of the world is crazy.
Hugs to you all. Really Big Hugs.
I like A&A's question about how do you mourn the loss of the parents you wish you had had. How do you get over not having had parents to nurture and love you? That is a good question. I don't think you ever "get over it." I think it leaves a big hole. Somehow, maybe you just work around the hole, and try to fill in the hole as much as possible by being loving parents ourselves or nurturing in other ways, and by more spirituality if that helps, and by good friendships with safe and sound people (well, I'm not great at making friends), and by other means.
I still mourn my parents. My dad committed suicide when I was 12---he had untreated bipolar disorder (called manic depression then.) My mom has gotten progressively more toxic over the years and finally about 2 years ago we had to totally cut her off. Which is SAD, because she lives only 45 minutes away, and we have five beautiful, wonderful kids who would bring her so much joy if she were a person we could let into our home. Plus, it would be amazing to have a parent here to nurture us, maybe help out a little like watch the kids once in a blue moon, or bring us a bag of groceries, or whatever! And I would have loved also nurturing HER, like just helping her out as she grows older, bringing her little gifts that the kids made, sharing grownup chats with her, learning from any wisdom she might share and telling her thanks for it, going out and doing stuff together, and so on. But a mom with narcissistic personality disorder, who also HATES the human race and especially her daughter/all females) is NOT a lot of fun to be around.
I won't even bother going into the stories of all the toxic stuff. This thread is full of even worse stories! But the last straw was when I lost our fifth baby during the pregnancy, which was beyond devastating. I was hospitalized immediately for procedures related to that, and while I was in the hospital, our oldest DD called my mom to tell her what had happened. (A friend of mine was staying at our house with the kids.) DH was with me at the hospital. Anyway, my mom never called back to talk to DH or me, or offer any kind of support or help. She never called back period. She didn't even care that we had lost the baby, she just didn't want to be asked to help out in any way. She knew that I had just had surgery and would be caring for the other four kids when I came home. She never so much as even sent a postcard offering to help, or to say sorry about losing the baby. That was the absolute END of that relationship. And for many reasons, the relationship should have been ended well before then.
Anyway, I refuse to have any more contact. Since then she has sent presents to the kids by mail, but I have not acknowledged the gifts and have just thrown them out. She stopped sending stuff. She called once on my birthday and left a message. I'm sure she feels bad to lose her daughter, but it was her choice, not mine. I didn't have a choice anymore. She is too toxic. No one in the family of origin has any relationship with her; they are more acquaintances.
Well, we finally had our fifth baby come for good, and he is perfect in every way. I did not tell my mom but she will have found out from other family members (with whom I have excellent relationships.) I hope she realizes what she's missing. And why. But no, she'll never figure it out. She just thinks the rest of the world is crazy.
Hugs to you all. Really Big Hugs.
I am by far a better parent than my own were but my bar is set much MUCH higher than that. I haven't reached it yet but I'm still trying.
: No matter what we said they wouldn't listen to us. Then MIL, FIL, SIL and all her family decided to take a last minute trip for five days to Hawaii on my due date! So then it was my fault that DD was born a day later. And it was my fault that they were too tired to see her until she was two weeks old.
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