support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 14

[princesstutu]

aniT, why are you still dealing with your mom, if you don't mind my asking?

My mother has started talking to me, again. Yay me! I'm actually getting my phone turned off this week, so I'm okay with it. She apologized to me for her recent behavior and made a big deal of pointing out how I'm the only one she was apologizing to.

Seriously, if I lived in TX, I still wouldn't speak to her, but I'm very far away, so I can roll my eyes at her in the comfort of my own home and hang up when I'm finished with her. My 18yo sister is struggling with the hatred she feels toward our mom right now. I just tell her that one day she won't be so angry. I don't think she believes me.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by princesstutu

aniT, why are you still dealing with your mom, if you don't mind my asking?

I posted this last week.. but in case you missed it.. here is the brief...

I cut her off in October.. on the 9th of this month I needed to go to the ER. DH was at work and his DL was suspended so I had to ask my stepdad to take me. I also had to ask my mother to come get my kids. I was in the hospital for 5 days at which point my kids were staying with my mom. DH asked her to keep them one extra day so I could rest the night I came home. She never even brought them over to see me. She brought them back the next day... stayed for a few minutes then left. She came over the day after that to bring some of their clothes over .. then left for a weeks vacation to my uncles. She came back Sat. I think and I haven't heard from her since.

Oh on top of that.. my teenager lives with her. It was supposed to be temporary (migraines and anxiety which was made worse by the younger kids.) but she refuses to come home. I could force her home.. but I don't think that will help things. Teen and I are going to counseling however.

The sad thing is my teen acts just like her. She thinks if she yells and screams at me I will do what she wants.

[cristeen]

Ugh!

Well, in addition to the card from my father that is still sitting here unopened from Friday, this morning I got an email from him. It too is sitting unopened, but I just feel like banging my head against a wall here... He found out about me being pregnant over a month ago (through the grapevine). He called my grandmother on Mother's Day to ask her about it (she tells me any time he talks to her, because she has as much use for him as I do). I spent 2 days SOOO stressed and crying about this when she told me he had found out. So I KNOW he's known for at least a month now, and has waited this long to get in contact with me. I'm not sure I even want to read these... actually, I'm sure I don't, but I also know that if I don't, it's really gonna bug me - that they're sitting there taunting me. But chances are good that if I do, it's just gonna pi$$ me off, again.

And it doesn't help matters that in my prenatal yesterday, my MW was asking about family and she kept telling me that someday we'll have a relationship again... why can't people figure out that if I've cut someone off it's for a reason, and I'd rather they just stay that way?!?

I *know* the only reason he's contacting me now is because I'm pregnant, and he's realized at this point that I wasn't going to tell him, and he's scared that he's never going to see his (only) grandchild. Where the he!! has he been the last 2 years? Why does it take this to get a reaction out of him? And it just pi$$es me off even more that that's what it takes - and that he thinks that trying to make amends NOW is going to resolve the issues... after 2 years, that takes some gall.

I just really needed to vent to some people who would understand... I meet my lawyer in an hour to arrange our estate so none of our families can touch it or the baby. Then I have a phone "date" with my BFF to vent about my father some more, but I needed to get some of it out before meeting the lawyer.

[Labbemama]

Cristeen, I hope things went well for you with the lawyer and your phone "date"--good for you letting it off your chest and taking some action to keep baby and the estate safe.

Considering very much limiting contact with my dad. He starts so much stuff between us kids and last night called at 11:30 PM to complain about a favor dh did for him --building computers and then his kids broke them. So at 11:30 AT night and 3 states away he is asking for dh's help and accusing dh of giving him computers without the memory that was in there. Dh is so giving and he worked so hard to make sure my teenage brother and sister had nice systems and my dad insulted him soooo bad, he's like "I'm done with your father, honey...DONE!" He's willing to let my mom crash here a weekend but he's done with my dad.

[holyhelianthus]

I had complete forgotten that I had subscribed to my mom's MySpace blog a few years back until I got an email about an update today.

I read it. Uh, why I have no idea. Habit?

And you know it gave me a good laugh with her melodramatic woe is me and everyone is awful to me and all that but it also made me so angry the way she twists it all. She keeps talking about God and how she loves my family and she has this prayer in it which is just all so laughable if you really know her.... Ack! I mean she is going on and on and yet doesn't even spell DD2's name right.

Man oh man I just need to let it go. Just press delete. Just walk away. But I just want to shove it in everyone's face and scream "SEE!!! SHE'S NUTS!!!!" but of course most of the family is siding with her and calling me about it. : I really stood up for myself and wouldn't back down on her BS the other day with her aunt and I got off the phone thinking though I am proud I stood up really what did it accomplish but to drain me? Why do I give these people the time of day?

[Arwyn]

I have removed several posts from this thread that were inappropriate for the topic and purpose of this thread, which is support for those coping with "toxic and/or estranged parents".

Please report any posts you feel are inappropriate rather than responding to them on-thread. You are also welcome to PM me, the admins, or any online mods if you have any questions or concerns about a post or member.

Thank you.

[Labbemama]

Magstphil, I guess having spent so much blood, sweat, and tears over my family I'm kind of curious to see how this all turns out. I don't think you are alone in reading the blog/being curious. For me some contact is confirming that I didn't overstate the level of chaos and illness in my decision to be distanced. One email or phone call is all it takes to remind me "oh that's why...we do this!"

It is impossible to avoid it 100% for me and it saying to them "We are through" just results in more borderline antics so it's just better to lay low for us than to be 100% cutoff.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by Labbemama

It is impossible to avoid it 100% for me and it saying to them "We are through" just results in more borderline antics so it's just better to lay low for us than to be 100% cutoff.

We were able to lay low when my mother lived a few hours away.. Now it's hard that she followed us to another state and lives a mile away.

[LilMamiBella]

My mom just tried to friend me on facebook.

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by LilMamiBella

My mom just tried to friend me on facebook.

I'm waiting for my dad to pull that one on me.

[Labbemama]

My mom tried that with me and the kids.

I think she's coming out in August.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by Labbemama

My mom tried that with me and the kids.

I think she's coming out in August.

My mom joined facebook but hasn't tired to friend me. I don't know if she has any friends other than my daughter.. and for all I know my daughter set up her account. I don't know what I would do. I might friend her then block all access to everything but the most basic of info.

[Labbemama]

IF she doesn't have very many friends she might quickly lose interest. That's what happened with my mom. She tried to friend the kids. It was a mess to say the least.

It is better now that you can set up a screen name and not use you real name.

[princesstutu]

Originally Posted by aniT

I might friend her then block all access to everything but the most basic of info.

I tried to do that (thought I had) with some kids of friends of mine on FB, but even though I blocked the info, it still showed up for the kids. I ended up de-friending them, b/c I'm very, very "grown".


Just a head's up. FB often says you can do things that I have found you can't.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by princesstutu

I tried to do that (thought I had) with some kids of friends of mine on FB, but even though I blocked the info, it still showed up for the kids. I ended up de-friending them, b/c I'm very, very "grown".


Just a head's up. FB often says you can do things that I have found you can't.

You can.. but they make it a PITA. You have to like save it in three different places before it works. It too me about a month to figure it out.

I still haven't figure out how to block people all together cause every time I click on the block link it takes me to the add friends link. No I don't want to add them as a friend I want to BLOCK THEM.

[Labbemama]

I often have to get my oldest dd to help me navigate FB. My dd changed her name to Marigold Moonbeam Something Something. ANd my other dd is Sunshine Rainbowpants something something.

Got an email from my mom today mostly grumblings about her home and all the stuff she's accumulated that has become a burden and my sf who complains she doesn't keep it clean and health issues. It also says she misses us terribly and wishes she lived closer and wants to come to all our kids activities and be involved in our lives. GULP. It's a sweet thought and I feel pained for her that she is so lonely-- but it kind of freaks me out. Hoping she doesn't act on that impulse too much.

My sil is being induced on the 13th and I have this sneaking suspiscion that my mom is going to fly the coop there and head out here early. After all I mean who can resist a new baby. The travel cure. you know. Feeling that urge to bolt and take a tropical vacation myself.

But I did notice after reading her email I feel grumpy. : Like I kind of was dumped on and the heart strings yanked a bit.

[A&A]

I haven't spoken to my mom in a month, which is the longest I've ever gone without talking to her. (I hardly ever talk to my dad.) It doesn't make me anxious like I thought it would. It actually makes me feel really free, with just a tinge of sadness.

[Amarantha]

*peeks in*

May I join?

I'm Kate, 22 years old, and 16 weeks pregnant with my first. I have never gotten along with my mother--I was always daddy's little girl and I still have a very close relationship with my father, but things escalated greatly when my parents got divorced when I was 10. My mother was raised in the Catholic church, but she became fanatically devout after the divorce (ironic, neh?) She is judgemental, hypocritical, and has been an emotional black hole ever since. In high school, she constantly called my "behavior" (having a steady boyfriend, going to the occasional party, not wanting to go to confession) "immoral" and "ungodly" and never had anything to say about my brother, who was a drug addict (he's now clean at 30 and his life is on track). She refused to talk to me for weeks when I moved in with my now-fiance two years ago, and when I informed her I was pregnant, she told me I should give my baby up for adoption because I was unmarried.

She's now all smug because I recently got engaged, but will not stop bugging me to get married before the baby is born. It's not so bad because I can screen her calls and I haven't lived with her full-time since I was 18, but she's the single biggest cause of stress in my life. I really wish I just had a normal mother who baked cookies and told me I was beautiful and wonderful.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by Amarantha

*peeks in*

May I join?

I'm Kate, 22 years old, and 16 weeks pregnant with my first. I have never gotten along with my mother--I was always daddy's little girl and I still have a very close relationship with my father, but things escalated greatly when my parents got divorced when I was 10. My mother was raised in the Catholic church, but she became fanatically devout after the divorce (ironic, neh?) She is judgemental, hypocritical, and has been an emotional black hole ever since. In high school, she constantly called my "behavior" (having a steady boyfriend, going to the occasional party, not wanting to go to confession) "immoral" and "ungodly" and never had anything to say about my brother, who was a drug addict (he's now clean at 30 and his life is on track). She refused to talk to me for weeks when I moved in with my now-fiance two years ago, and when I informed her I was pregnant, she told me I should give my baby up for adoption because I was unmarried.

She's now all smug because I recently got engaged, but will not stop bugging me to get married before the baby is born. It's not so bad because I can screen her calls and I haven't lived with her full-time since I was 18, but she's the single biggest cause of stress in my life. I really wish I just had a normal mother who baked cookies and told me I was beautiful and wonderful.

Woah.. there are mothers out there who bake cookies and tell them they are beautiful and wonderful

After 16 years I still have a problem coming to terms with the thought that "mothers suck" and I am the mother now.

BTW. .you are beautiful and wonderful even if your "mother" refuses to admit it.

[princesstutu]

Originally Posted by Amarantha

I really wish I just had a normal mother who baked cookies and told me I was beautiful and wonderful.

Don't we all?

Actually, mine is like that now, when she's in a really good mood (read: high on prescription meds).



Be your own normal mother. I'm sure you'll be great at it!