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support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 16

post #301 of 402
Welcome to all the new tribe members.

Today was just a hard day. I'm posting here because it is related to my divorce thread.Why didn't I leave my husband, well I don't have a lot in the way of family support. In fact what I've got is a family that makes everything a thousand times more complicated than it has to be.
:
Got my husband's phone records today because his cell is still on my account and I was trying to get mine to show a pattern of harrassing phone calls. Well I found what I needed for court and then some.

Anyhow how this relates to toxic families..shock of all shocks my family is talking to him every other day or so!!! Trusted people who said "oh we want to stay out of it." Yeah, they are calling my ex with whom I have a restraining order and he is calling them for 30 minute chats! It's going both ways. They had told me he was bothering them and they told him they wanted to stay out of it. So what are THEY doing placing calls TO HIM for extended periods of time. 15-50 minutes!

So I gave all the ppl who told me they weren't playing messenger a warning. I know you are feeding my ex info. I don't appreciate it. If I have to I'll cut ya'll off again, butt out of my life please.

I called my sister and told her how much I appreciate her being the only trustworthy person in my family. Even my own mother is involved. That's not suprising but who knows what she said to him for 30 minutes. I don't want to know.

It kills me that with the restraining order my ex is calling my mom, my brother, my dad, all my friends, my kids friends. And it is perfectly legal.

Save for my coworkers and counselor I don't feel like I can trust ANYone.

I know there are good ppl out there. I am just so tired. I have enough to do with my kids, unpacking, and trying to work. This was just a harsh blow. Hoping I get a judge who sees all these phone calls as a fishing expedition and intimidation.

For some reason I expected more from my brother. I expect it from my mom and dad. But my brother? I feel so betrayed. His wife has been watching my youngest daughter this week. Not anymore. Oh yeah, my ex was calling her too but she was cutting him off at about 2 minutes.

I guess you find out who your friends are at times like this you know. Apparently everyone in my family is a big mouth. I did know that. I really did. But you know you always hope ppl will do the right thing.

I wouldn't have married him If I hadn't been running from toxic family land at 17 in the first place.

So here's to lives free of toxic ppl, huh! Just looking for a more peaceful existence full of the good stuff and wishing you all a week filled with the same. I am sure it will all calm down eventually.
:-)
post #302 of 402
Subbing.

You ladies are wonderful.
post #303 of 402
labbemama that is outrageous.
i hope the judge is a good one
post #304 of 402
Nevermind, I realized I don't feel comfortable having this up.
post #305 of 402
s to everyone.


I have things I have been wanting to write but I don't know if they belong here or elsewhere. Mostly I have been feeling unloved lately. I feel like no one cares. I KNOW my husband loves me, but I don't always feel it because he was raised by his own set of toxic parents and has a hard time showing things.

I think most of these feelings came about when my husband went to the hospital on the 24th. He went in for the same reason I did in June. He had a different doctor and was coddled more and waited longer for surgery and they wanted to keep him an extra day after it but he wanted to go home.. I was sent home right away. They kept going on and on about how sick he was.. and I got my records hell I was sicker than him!!! But he was in there two days longer than me.

While he was in his sister called me to see how things were going.. his mother called him (but we got in a big fight about that cause she was told not to) so I emailed her updates. People in general seemed to care more that he was sick than they did when I was. The only time my mom contacted me was via text to ask me something about the kids. And she never inquired as to how my surgery went with DH that night I had it.

DH came home from the hospital to a clean house. I even shampooed the carpet in the family room (cause it was gross and had been needing it for a while anyway) and made up a bed on the couch with sheets and everything cause that is where he wanted to sleep. (he likes to sleep there when he is sick cause its easier to sleep reclined.) I came home to rotting food on the counters and had to change my own sheets. Now I supposed DH should have done some of this.. but he was going to work, then the hospital, then to my moms to see the kids and coming home to crash and do it all over again in the morning. My mom was in and out of my house picking up food for the kids and just ignored everything. She told the councilor that it never occurred to her to clean it up cause my house always looked like that. WTF? Yes I regularly have week old rotting food on my counters. (I was sick for three days before going to the hospital and the kids were fending for themselves for the most part while DH was at work.)

DH came home on a Friday, and went back to work on Wed. He had 5+ days to recuperate at home with me getting him food and water and whatever he needed. I came home on a Sat. evening. I had Sunday and then DH was off to work and my mother took off to her brothers 5 hours away.

Not that I am upset that DH was able to rest more. I am glad he is getting better so much faster than I did. I am glad he was taken care of it. What I am sad about is that no one took care of me. DH tried his best when he wasn't at work. he did clean the kitchen when we got home. And lets face it.. even if he had changed the sheets I would have had to redo it cause he wouldn't have done it right (and generally I let stuff he does wrong go but I can't sleep with the sheets all bunched up). I mean.. wouldn't normal mothers have said oh my daughter is in the hospital.. let me tidy up the kitchen at least before she comes home??? No I didn't ask her too.. I was in the hospital I wasn't aware it was that bad til I got home. But I would just think.. .that is something a caring parent would do right?? It's something I would do. I was upset about this when I was in the hospital.. but I am even more upset now that DH was there and all the differences have slapped me in the face. And I know DH has his own blame in this too..

But I have just been feeling really unimportant lately... and DH just complains that I am too mopey and that he and the kids love me and that is all that should matter... he is right... but still... I don't FEEL loved.
post #306 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilMamiBella View Post
My mom just tried to friend me on facebook.
Both my parents did. Shyah right. I blocked them immediately.

I had to block one of my brothers, too. We tried the "friends" thing for about four weeks. Then I posted something, and he started insulting it, cussing me out, and continuing it in rapid-fire FB messages.
post #307 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by kcstar View Post
Both my parents did. Shyah right. I blocked them immediately.

I had to block one of my brothers, too. We tried the "friends" thing for about four weeks. Then I posted something, and he started insulting it, cussing me out, and continuing it in rapid-fire FB messages.
Woah.. do we have the same brother?? He then accused me of trying to push my beliefs on him at the end too. I told him he was free to ignore my links/posts if he didn't like them and I haven't heard from him since. Hehe.
post #308 of 402
ugh indeed. my folks tried to friend me on FB duh! i don't speak to you IRL and you're not welcome to contact us at all and you think I'm going to be your buddy on some dumb website? blocked them immediately!
post #309 of 402
FB kept suggesting I friend my stbx mil! Talk about toxic. She makes my mom look saintly! Watching some of my friends' families spew rhetoric at each other around election time made me soooooo glad that my family is not on close enough terms to argue publicly. I guess disfunction is a relative term!
post #310 of 402
Layne,
I would be grateful to keep our family disagreements out of the public too.

IDK-I guess it might be a good thing that some of them are a matter of public record. I can show that we have been unable to resolve some matters without police aid. Sigh.

I am a little upset with my boss. I was talking to her about this and I don't think she really gets how intimidated I'm feeling. I still can't rule out that one of the threatening calls didn't come from one of my clients. It *could* happen but you know there is no one who is angry with me on the work end.

Of course I can limit contact w/my family. It just hurts to have to scale it back with SO many of them. It's practically everyone but my sister. My dad called immediately after my husband's phone was shut off to ask "what's up?" Stupidly, I gave him my new cell number without thinking. But then I was wondering how did he get my number in the first place to call me? There are only a handful of ppl who have it. My brother being one of them.

I do feel like there are lots of people who care. One of my son's friends dads is driving by here at night on his route to check on us. He let me know that my lights were on in my car.

I am feeling smothered by my mother's caring. LOL. I need to back away from that, but I do need her financial help.
post #311 of 402
My mom called my dh to let him know that the doctors found two tumors in her lungs? from smoking and that it could turn into cancer? She's been calling everyday even though my phone is set to play the disconnected voicemail.
post #312 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by aniT View Post
Woah.. do we have the same brother?? He then accused me of trying to push my beliefs on him at the end too. I told him he was free to ignore my links/posts if he didn't like them and I haven't heard from him since. Hehe.
Nope. I posted something about funding for my career field, and he started cussing about how we shouldn't be doing anything of the sort. He'd had a professor who convinced him that it was a complete waste of our time, money, and energy.

And after I blocked him, he posted a note asking all of our friends and family to help me "see the light" about how good and loving our family really is. (DH is still friends with him, and my parents)

I still talk with my sister, and am "friends" with another of my brothers, one of the teenagers. (He wasn't quite three when I went to college) But we can't talk about the family history without arguing, so I try not to talk about it at all.
post #313 of 402
I did follow up with a police officer the other day. They are going to pursue findng out who the threatening phone call came from. Hoping it's a random crankyanker and not my ex or one of his friends. I really doubt it's a client. The only one I have that I think would do that is locked up.

But that will take two to three weeks and unfortunately my court date is next week. I so wish I knew who did that to me.

So my divorce papers and no contact order says neither of us will contact the other and he will not contact our children in person, by mail, through electronic means, or through a third party. This third party stuff no one takes seriously. It also says we won't disturb the peace of the other or each other's privacy and we will pay our debts.

Today I got my cell bill and my dh ran up $160 in additional charges. Thank GOD my co. reversed the charges. He did it on the day the order was served too. His phone wasn't supposed to have data and he ran up $75 in data costs and ordered mulitple video games. I only wish I knew what time he did that before or after service. He's supposed to be moving out and finding a place the next day and so what's he doing? not packing, not calling apartments but downloading video games at $9 a pop.

So my ex has contacted my mom alone three times in the last week. Once yesterday and once today.

He may just be doing me the biggest favor bugging THEM. LOL Now I have a perfect excuse not to talk to them. I told them I could not talk to them to insure there was no message passing through third parties. My ex keeps calling my mom and passing on all kinds of drama. If he even is calling her and she's not making it up.: IDK. I don't know what to believe. I think it's possible he started calling her because I stopped talking to my dad or brother and that's the only link to me he still can find. I haven't talked to any of our mutual friends really.

I think he's calling there, my mom lives in another state, to check and see if I answer her phone. He really doesn't know me. I have grown so much that I'm willing to cut off all the toxic ppl in my life, including my marriage and he thinks I ran to toxic mama's house.

The onery part of me wants to ask my mom to say "just a minute I'll get her" the next time he calls her.

So it is kind of amusing to me that the two most toxic ppl in my life are gagging each other. They said she could file for a no-contact order but since it's a long distance call it's unlikely she'd get it. (And since she won't file and enjoys the drama, even more unlikely.)

So now my mom is calling me saying "I have good news I have good news." Cuz she knows how one thing after another keeps going wrong here. She's actually being kind of nice and supportive.

My world, it's like opposite world.
post #314 of 402
kcstar that's got to be tough to have your whole family on your case about your chosen field.

no one in my family is thrilled with my line of work but my mom is like i knew when you reached this certain point your marriage would fall apart.

Ok the daily calls with my mom have to stop. I had dozed off and my youngest woke me up for a call for my mom. seriously I do not need my ex AND my mother checking on me.
post #315 of 402

Can I join?

Can I join this thread?

My parents were never really parents. I am estranged now finally from my mother (thank Goodness). I should have done that years ago.

Let's see - she was always being investigated by child services. I think teachers reported her for the most part. She lost custody of us several times but we were returned.

We never had enough food. Or heat. Or clothing. Never got new school supplies. We went without medical and dental until I grew up and moved out.

She never made birthdays or Christmases special. She never hugged us or rooted for us. She never bothered to attend any school functions and she didn't allow us to take part in school activities because it would be a burden for her.

She didn't discipline or explain things. She was critical of everything. I was an excellent student and had model behavior (never, never rocked the boat) but she never said anything positive about that. If I came home with all A's and one B+ on my report card she would say, "oh, too bad, and I was going to buy you a pair of jeans if you had gotten all A's. Better work harder next time."

She has skipped every important event of my life.

She says hurtful things deliberately. I finally just cut her out.

Looking back, I see she was this way my entire life. She never hugged us as children and she never soothed our skinned knees or took care of us if we were sick.

My dad couldn't stand her and split when I was about 10 (?) or so.

They are both now very much in bad shape financially and live very miserable, hand to mouth lives. I've poured a ton of resources into them (financially, emotionally) but I am now coming up on middle age and I realize that I've spent my adult life trying to be the parent to them they never were to me. I haven't done anything in life I've wanted to do (travel, save, buy things, enjoy life) even though I've earned the money to do so because I have spent so much money, time, and energy on them.

I'm tapped.

And now my marriage is turning sour and I have no one to turn to. I realize that my parents really aren't concerned about my welfare at all and never were.

It's lonely and painful and I'm just wondering how people cut their blood relatives out of their life and still feel a full life?

How do you fill the gap?

Also, my siblings are basically a pack of jackals and they can't be trusted, use people, and will take whatever they can when you aren't looking.

It's hard not having a family who cares a stitch about you.
post #316 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post

It's lonely and painful and I'm just wondering how people cut their blood relatives out of their life and still feel a full life?

How do you fill the gap?
I guess I felt so good about cutting my family out, I didn't have a need to feel like I had a "full life". I mean...I had a full life whether or not they were part of it. That was my mentality. They added grief, not pleasure, so it only made sense to kick them out. It was an excellent decision. I never dealt with them, which gave me ample room and time to grow and heal myself.

I think that's what one must concentrate on during times like that: one's self. Do whatever you need to do to feel fulfilled and heal.

One thing my family taught me is that I can live without them. When they were a part of my life, I lived w/o love, compassion, and understanding from them, so what was I losing by letting them go? Just all that negative stuff, really. If I had held onto them, I'd have been holding on to the fantasy that one day they would change and become the family I needed/wanted them to be. That would have been delusional.

I released them and found inner peace. Ten years later, when we came back together, I was able to deal with them without feeling hurt and physical pain every time they did something that wasn't beneficial. Now, they guard themselves so that they give me less to dislike them for. And, they really are trying and I respect their efforts.

I didn't think of myself as needing to fill a gap. I worked on myself (and continue to do so) and it all worked out the way it needed to work out. I kept living the life I had, trying to live my best life.

I guess I would suggest you fill the gap of not having them around the same you've been filling it. Good luck.
post #317 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
How do you fill the gap?

Also, my siblings are basically a pack of jackals and they can't be trusted, use people, and will take whatever they can when you aren't looking.

It's hard not having a family who cares a stitch about you.


Find other things with which to fill your life. Join a church (I love the UU church), volunteer, get a pet, take a class, go on vacation, etc.


Also, did you ever read the book The Glass Castle? Your story always reminds me of hers.
post #318 of 402
I can relate to how you are feeling. I never met my father and I recently found out he died last summer. My relationship with my mother has always been toxic and I have completely cut her out of my life for about the 5th (and I tell myself FINAL) time. I haven't had any contact with her for about 1.5 years now.

It is very hard being a single mom, trying to finish my bachelor's degree. Every time things get stressful I instinctively cry for my mommy and I don't really even want her, I just want the mommy I always wanted her to be....which would be the mom I'm trying to be.

Get's so lonely not having family roots to rely on. The only comforting thing I can tell myself is hopefully my kids will never feel the way I feel.

This feels like a very sensitive topic to be posting about on a public forum but we do need an extraordinary type of support with estranged family dynamics.
post #319 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
How do you fill the gap?
I keep looking for role models and making friends. I've been blessed with several people who've been supportive "parent" figures in my life: my mother-in-law, people from church, some from the dojang, and also role models at work.

It did take a certain level of personal growth, letting go of those childhood absences. The closest thing we have to time travel is for our inner adult to be present with/comfort our inner child when we remember those things.
post #320 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post


Find other things with which to fill your life. Join a church (I love the UU church), volunteer, get a pet, take a class, go on vacation, etc.


Also, did you ever read the book The Glass Castle? Your story always reminds me of hers.
Thanks. I did read that book and it was so uncanny how many similarities there were. The father in that book is so similar to my father but the mother in the book is actually a lot more motherly than my mother ever was, if you can believe that.

I got a lot out of that book, especially because the author was married twice - the first marriage didn't work out but the second marriage did. My DH likes to blame all our issues on me and my childhood and my "issues." I often think it's just incompatibility and emotional needs not being met, nothing to do with my childhood or his childhood.
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