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support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 17

post #321 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by kcstar View Post
I keep looking for role models and making friends. I've been blessed with several people who've been supportive "parent" figures in my life: my mother-in-law, people from church, some from the dojang, and also role models at work.

It did take a certain level of personal growth, letting go of those childhood absences. The closest thing we have to time travel is for our inner adult to be present with/comfort our inner child when we remember those things.
I've definitely found role models at work, in the past. I've been blessed with wonderful male bosses who are like father figures. I think that is a part of why I enjoyed working so much early on - going to work and interacting with a functioning, smart, witty older male who was caring and not toxic kind of made up for the parents I never had growing up. Of course, it was all on a professional level so there wasn't that personal availability/emotional availability but from afar I really admired how they interacted with their children.

And I really enjoyed the mentoring because I had never had that in a parental figure.

I also enjoyed the role modeling - the getting up for work and showing up, the having your life together and being clean and sober, the ability to pay bills, the ability to interact with people and be a contributing member of society.

Those were important message for me to see because I never saw them growing up.

It also made me feel good about myself for the first time in my life because in a professional environment people judge you based on your performance, which you can control, not on who your parents are or what your last name is (like they did when I was in school).

In some ways, it always made me sad, though, because on the weekends the role models spent time with their own families and the same was true for holidays. I was always on my own, and back dealing with the fall out from whatever misadventure my family was involving me in again.

The professional role models have their limitations. When I had my baby and needed help no one was there because I don't have a family capable of helping and professional role models aren't going to step in on such a personal level. Then when I quit working for a time, the professional relationships waned a bit, not completely, but when you aren't working anymore, you don't see each other daily, and you don't interact as much.



There really is no replacement entirely for having a strong family connection, but finding role models does help a bit.
post #322 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by APMomOfKimmyN-Maya View Post
Get's so lonely not having family roots to rely on. The only comforting thing I can tell myself is hopefully my kids will never feel the way I feel.



I know exactly what you are talking about and I feel it all the time.

I also tell myself everyday what you said in the second sentence.

It is lonely not having a family, but the loneliness is better than continually being used and taken advantage of.

It is especially hard when you have children, and need a village, but don't have one.

It wasn't as noticeable when I didn't have a child. Now it seems to impact daily life because there is just no support.

But again, it's better than what they have done to me when they were in my life.
post #323 of 402
(hugs)

I am really missing my grandmother. who was all those maternal things to me.

As for pack of jackals what a great way of describing the feeling.

Today though two different friends, one old and one newer reached out. I think it important to be on the lookout for new opportunities.

Maybe that is why it is so important to me not to move my kids. We have also moved quite frequently and tonight when the principal said you all are part of the HS family I really felt like it is a family. (LOL, my football family.)
post #324 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
I've definitely found role models at work, in the past...

And I really enjoyed the mentoring because I had never had that in a parental figure.

In some ways, it always made me sad, though, because on the weekends the role models spent time with their own families and the same was true for holidays. I was always on my own, and back dealing with the fall out from whatever misadventure my family was involving me in again.

The professional role models have their limitations. When I had my baby and needed help no one was there because I don't have a family capable of helping and professional role models aren't going to step in on such a personal level. Then when I quit working for a time, the professional relationships waned a bit, not completely, but when you aren't working anymore, you don't see each other daily, and you don't interact as much.



There really is no replacement entirely for having a strong family connection, but finding role models does help a bit.
Agreed, a professional relationship has its limitations. As a semi-closeted neo-Pagan, I don't like to talk about religion with my coworkers. That's why in my last town I was blessed with a very good community at my UU church. They had a small group for parents with small children that we were part of, in addition to a few other groups, and a few other moms we were close to.

But as you say, there is no substitute for family. So we moved to where DS could see Granny about every month or two, and the great-grandparents about quarterly. It's been slow building the local community, but between the extended family, Facebook, and building our own family traditions with my toddler I haven't missed it too horribly.
post #325 of 402
I am just trying to surround myself with support. :-)

I joined a church group for older women to meet with younger women once a month for a study and meal. It's called heart sisters. I hope this helps me some I need an older lady, i really do. I sought out a lady last night who reminds me of my grandma and told her what was up. She was glad to see us back and is praying for us. It was comforting.

I attended a support group today. I saw the dr. and gave in to the temptation to medicate the anxiety I feel.

Today was my court hearing and tho I decided not to pursure the protection from abuse order he is still ordered not to contact me or the kids thru the divorce orders so if he does he's in contempt. didn't seem like the pfa amounted to a hill of beans anyhow so now maybe he'll stop bugging my family. I did get supervised visits ordered for the kids.

so I knew there would be surprises today, unpleasant suprises but my stbx had my dad there with him. I guess for a character witness/advisor, I have no idea why, but he tried to hug me and forced a hug upon me after the hearing. But where would I expect him to be.

so I am feeling hurt and betrayed by my dad. I had no idea him and ex were so buddy buddy but they are simpatico on their philosopy towards smacking kids around if they are too mouthy. He abandoned us as kids. He and my mom had DV issues so why wouldn't he sit over there. Hoping he doesn't try to spring a visit on us tonite.

They tried to drag my brother in to it to supervise visitation and when I disagreed they were like don't you trust your brother and I had a good response for it. that yes of course i trust my own brother i don't trust my ex and dd w/out professional help and my brother said he wanted to stay out of it and I think that would be better for all to have a neutral party. Judge agreed. The truth is my brother says he's punch his own kid in the jaw if he talked back so they are all one in the same mindset.

So yeah my dad came 1,000 miles for my divorce hearing to sit with my ex!!! Niiice huh? He sat there beside him at the respondents' table. Oh well if my dad is giving him legal advice then that's only good for my case, my dad has constant legal troubles.

never saw that coming. I would have expected my fil, but my dad.
post #326 of 402
I did try to call my dad and find out what in the world he was thinking. all he says is that he loves us. He's staying with my stbx! I think the government seized his land. Whole other long story. I think in a way he thinks he is being helpful because my dad signed away his rights to us as kids, but he had no answer as to why he didn't call me to let me know he was in town and would be at court. He just said in a convulted way that he went to our hometown where fil lives to drive back with my stbx well over 1,000 miles. I am just so so hurt. I talked to my sister and she's like after all these years with OUR family you are still suprised.
post #327 of 402
So at the request of my daughters therapist I have been going with my mother. I am positive my mother went with the expectation that the therapist would "put me in my place." However that is not what has happened. She isn't going anymore because she is tired of being "bashed." All my memorizes are incorrect. (Yea that is why all my friends, cousins, and my brother that is closest to my age agree with me.) Of course she claims she can go find X amount of people that agree with her. Which isn't true. So thats it.

I would just write her off.. however my 16 year old lives there. She has poisoned her mind. She butted in so much when she was living here I couldn't do anything with DD. So I don't know what to do with DD. Who thinks grandma is the greatest thing since sliced bread and I am a nut case (I don't worship the medical gods and we try to eat organic foods.) What to do?
post #328 of 402
So I went by myself last night. I was told that the councilor has no hope that my mother and I can repair our relationship, although she believes me daughter and I can. (maybe if my mom butts out.)

My mom spends all her time defending her every move and wont stop to listen how things might have effected me, or my brothers, or our children. She was yelling at the councilor and trying to bolt when she was there. There were a couple times I thought she was going to walk out because her reality is not the same as mine.

The only good that came out of this is that even though I know all my friends and cousins and neighbors and boyfriends and even an aunt thought my mom was nuts.. now a professional basically said the same thing to me and I feel vindicated. I am not imaging things! My mother lives in la la land.
post #329 of 402
AniT,
I hope you and your dd can do some sessions together and reconcile your relationship. If not now, maybe someday she will realize.

My mom engaged in a lot of divorce poison against my father. Although right now I'm not especiallly thrilled with his behavior, I see my parents as flawed and human neither all good nor all bad but both with impossible to reconcile views of what happened in their marriage!

It's so topsy turvy right now. My mom, my toxic mom is my biggest supporter. But our relationship has changed a bit.
post #330 of 402
Tina - I'm glad that the counselor has been able to validate your feelings about the situation. I'm hopeful for you that you're able to repair the relationship with your DD, and that you're able to release the relationship with your mother.

My little boy was born last week, and already I have a card from my parents on my desk, and the gifts started arriving yesterday. I really with that rather than throwing money at the problem, some attempt at communication was made. Money isn't going to solve a thing - but given my emotional state right now, I'd be willing to make an effort at communication if it were forthcoming.
post #331 of 402
wow, just found this thread. it is definitely for me. now to read through the whole thing!
post #332 of 402
Awaken, glad you found this thread helpful. Hope to hear more from you.

Was talking with my sister today and laughing because the times I've tried to leave my stbx I've run to my mothers and I told her after a month of living with my mom I missed my ex. So this time I've got to be strong and not go to my moms. Things are very bad for us financially. I'm walking a fine line of who I can tell what to.

Somewhere there is a mole in my family who gave my stbx my new cell number. In spite of a protection from abuse order. After all the trouble I went thru to change it. It's either my mom, my dad, or my brother. So I'm contmemplating conducting some system checks with misinformation and seeing how fast it travels so I'll know who I can trust.

There is a snotty little part of me that wants to call my biodad and ask him if he's planning on showing up at my next divorce hearing. So I guess I'm still hurting about that. Only talked to him once since.

He did get a brag text from dd about her NY trip.

My brother is on my radar too because my stbx is supposed to be getting served the new protection from abuse order and somehow he found out about it and is dodging service and only my mom and my brother knew. I doubt it was my mom, but my brother thinks stbx is a good dad and he's a new dad himself so I think he might be the mole. Anyhow...I really hate being isolated from my own family *IF* I chose to talk to them. And now thanks to the divorce my mom calls every day just to make sure I'm still alive because stbx knows how to push her hysterical buttons.
post #333 of 402
post #334 of 402
Maybe it should be titled orphans with living relatives?

I am really in a bind that my most reliable source of support right now is my toxic mother when trying to leave my dv-stbx. My dad has earned himself the title of "toxic." My dv advocate thinks I need to get a restraining order from my bio-dad. I'm just going to ignore him and at the very minimum text him. He was worried about my sis who lives at Ft. Hood tonight and I did let him know via text that my sis and her boys are OK. It's the decent human being thing to do. Leaving me a voice msg that Ft. Hood was shot up have I heard from my sister was not a nice thing to do to me today. Then I got a text from him that body count was higher. So I sent a text back saying she was ok. Spare her from talking to him because I know she doesn't want to talk to him either.
post #335 of 402
Quote:
Originally Posted by Labbemama View Post
Maybe it should be titled orphans with living relatives?
.
Yup!

And I'm glad your sister is ok!!
post #336 of 402
I finally got to talk to her last night. Circuits have been so busy she couldn't call out.

I'm on the verge of cutting off my bio-dad. Basically he keeps talking to my stbx and he is harrassing me to get back together with a batterer. Then he says he loves us. I sent him a warning text today basically that says pray for us and be non-judgemental, the divorce is happening and we agree to it mutually.
post #337 of 402
Labbemama, I'm so sorry about your family. Your parents sound just completely horrible. I'm so sorry.


My life has been so much simpler since I cut my mom out. I can just RELAX so much more. Most of the time, it's a relief. Sometimes I feel really sad and/or guilty, though. I just had my first daughter this year, and my mom has never met her. And, it's hard really giving up on her-- really admitting that she will never be the mom I needed her top be. A couple times I have just burst into tears at random times. But life is better this way-- and there have also been times when I just randomly burst out laughing in pure joy at my new freedom! I haven't had contact with my mom in about a year and a half now.
post #338 of 402
I took action today.

I went to see my primary care dr. and told her my depression was worse for taking the steroids. She said give it about twice as long as you were on them so I should start to feel better any time now.

I went to SRS and turned in my child support enforcement packet and I said something unpostable as I dropped it in the box. It went something like "take that you blankety blank." Another mom heard me and she told me about how far her ex is in arrears she was laughing. Of all the stuff I put in the box, please please do not let THIS get lost.

I called AT&T and got a lifeline phone which will be on my 8 pm tonight. So no more crummy signal and when my cell phone gets cut off, no more harrassing calls from my dad, stbx...anyone.

I did tell the family therapist the truth the whole ugly truth about my mom and why I don't just run there. He didn't question what I told him--he just asked if my mom had Post-partum depression when the worst abuse of my childhood took place and I think that really really fits.

The really scarey thing is that my mom seems somewhat more stable lately. I still don't wanna be tied to her financially or emotionally but she is doing better. I sure don't wanna live with her, but I'm glad she is doing better. I don't trust it though.

I've always been told that If I tell ppl what really happened ppl with think *I* am crazy.

Talked to my sister and my good friend from grad school and now have a verbal plan in place anyways that God forbid anything happens to me my sister will take my kids and my friend will make sure to the best of her ability that if I need help my kids will stay out of the foster care system and get them to my sister. I explained the plan to my oldest dd. That if anything happens get on a bus or plane and get to your Aunt's, friend from grad school will help you. I do need to draft up something with the lawyer though. God forbid I die and my kids end up with my ex, my mom, or my dad or even my brother, his wife is just not up to handling my KIDS. I think that's why the Good Lord lets me live after so many close scrapes. Not many other ppl who can handle my kids.
post #339 of 402
This thread has been dormant for a while - thought I'd bump it up, seems like there are several people who could use the support.

I know I just logged onto my facebook account to find out my dad had tried to friend me.
post #340 of 402
Oh my goodness. How did we ever dysfunction before facebook? My soon to be ex MIL kept popping up in the people I might want to friend box for a while and a sibling unfriended me without explanation a few years ago.
big hugs to you!
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