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support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 19

post #361 of 402
Originally Posted by Raine822 View Post
K, you only get one mother in this world. I am sorry you got stuck with me. I don't know what I did to you in life that makes you so hateful towards me. If you would like to talk about it I am here for you. I always will be. I have been a worry wart all my life, it drove me nuts when you kids were little. I can't change, you will just have to accept it. I accept the way you are. There are things I don't agree with you about but I don't yell at you. You and J both treat me like s---. I have to walk on eggshells everytime I come to your house. I am so afraid of saying or doing something wrong in fear that you will yell at me. That's not the way it is supposed to be.

I'm pretty sure I've gotten this EXACT SAME LETTER from my mother.

post #362 of 402
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
Anyone else hate Mother's Day and Father's Day?
I despise it. ElderSon has made some attempt at nice gifts and sweet cards, but my mother always manages to send me a card that is somehow snarky and sarcastic and mean in context. She gets very angry if I don't send her something, but none of my gifts are "good enough", so I wind up spending money I don't have to spare ion a card that costs as much as a used book and looking through tons of them trying to find something remotely honest but not mean and being reminded of what I don't have.

Does it strike any of you as strange that my mother sends me a card for Mother's Day? What's especially weird is that ever since she encouraged ElderSon to run away (about three years ago) she has sent cards that have nothing to do with motherhood and deny the fact that I ever had children. They are all about HER.

I haven't posted here for awhile and I wish I could say that I had cut both parents out of my life, but things are pretty much where they were in my original post.
post #363 of 402

I made a mistake

For the past 8 months I've had limited to no contact with my mother, and things have remained quite peaceful on that front, not counting the times when I get weepy because I see some cheesy ooey-gooey television show or movie and start feeling bad for myself because I don't have a family.

I had her blocked on Facebook, set up an e-mail filter for her e-mails, and blocked her on AIM. Somehow I guess I forgot to block one of her names or something and she IMed me on the 15th, and for some strange reason I participated in a conversation with her. Since then she's started IMing me every single day about 8 times a day, calling me, and sending me e-mails wherein she accuses me of only talking to her so she would send me money and she's sorry that she can't buy me all the things I want but she doesn't think that should be how she fixes our relationship blah blah blah blah.

In large part because of the way I was raised, I've been unable to keep a job more than a week. So, I'm in a situation where I live with my boyfriend and he pays for my existence with a combination of money he makes at work and money his mother sends him to help him while he goes to school. His mother has been really wonderful to me and buys me gifts for my birthday and christmas. In my mother's head, I've chosen his mom over her because of this, and she likes to bitch about it in all of the long rambling poor me messages she sends me.

My little sister still lives @ home with my parents, and has dropped out of school for all the same reasons I did (most of them can be traced back to our mother). My mother seemingly delights in sending me messages asking why I don't talk to my sister and why I can't come visit her and help her feel better. There is no feeling better in that environment and going there for even one day is EXTREMELY bad for my tenuous mental health. I know this for a fact, because I've tried.

I feel like she's trying to drag me back into her dark dark pit of despair and horror and sadness and emotional wreckage, all because I had an hour long conversation with her half a month ago.

This is so shitty. I don't know why I've just written this whole book of a post; I guess I'm just looking for some empathy, some "i've been there, you'll get through it, stop trying to have a relationship, she'll eventually leave you alone".
post #364 of 402
I'm so sorry. My mother is just like what you posted. We currently have no contact but instead of feeling better I obsess about what she will do next.

Just remember you are not alone and be strong.
post #365 of 402
Just a quick bump up. I know for myself - my father recently made contact again. He'll be visiting in a couple weeks to meet his grandson for the first time. We'll see how it goes.
post #366 of 402
I stopped talking to my dad, and my mom quickly followed suit. She decided she didn't want to talk to me if I wouldn't talk to my dad--she can't separate her identity from him at all. She didn't even call me when I got in a car accident (which she heard about from my siblings.) I'm trying to find peace with it. I really am a lot less anxious not having to talk to my dad.
post #367 of 402
Thread Starter 
I've been in email contact with my parents since my mother fell and broke her neck last Easter. They are 75 years old and live alone (separately--they've been divorced for years and separated shortly after my birth) and I am concerned about their health and safety. I thought I could limit the relationship to "dutiful daughter" shallowness and only speak to them out of love and accept the fact that my mother's life revolves around her purebred obedience trained dogs and my father's around sucking up to his multimillionaire second and third cousins.

I guess I'm more shocked than hurt by the latest exchange with my father, in which he sent me an email advising me to be sure to keep an eye out for a broken violin among his possessions when he died because it had been his grandfather's and had been appraised for $10,000.

I was shocked to find out that he had been hoarding such an instrument. My adult children and I work minimum wage jobs when we can find employment. My car has a cracked radiator that I cannot afford to fix right now. My father does not have a functioning stove in his house and lives on frozen microwave dinners and other prepared foods, complains that I spend too much money on produce and whole grains, and has severe diabetes and other diet-related health problems that he spends hundreds of dollars on prescription meds every month to control.

When I suggested that he sell the violin and buy himself a stove and stock the refrigerator, he replied that he wasn't going to do that because he might want to take violin lessons someday and he wanted to keep the violin "in the family" so since I "didn't want it", he was going to leave it to one of his multimillionaire third cousins who plays the cello.

This is what I mean when I say that my family has disinherited me, and somehow it gets twisted around to where I am "irresponsible" for selling stock that was left in my name for the very bare basics instead of genteely starving and dying of exposure on the streets because one should never spend the principle.

I have spent my entire adult life living below the poverty level, but I do not qualify for so much as food stamps, nor should I or anyone else who owns even a few shares of corporate stock which can be converted into food, clothing, shelter, and education.

My parents certainly have the right to leave their belongings to whoever they want and I am, of course, grateful that they can afford to pay for the care they need in their old age so that I don't have to take care of them, but it gets kind of old listening to stories about how horrible it is when the store runs out of the most expensive brand of dog food because the second most expensive brand just doesn't make Foo-Foo's fur shiny enough and it seems to upset Fifi's tummy when we're struggling with food, rent, clothes, and community college tuition.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the financial advantages that we have, which we certainly don't deserve any more than people who can't even begin to think about the community college tuition, I just needed to vent about the psychological abuse to people who would understand.

And yes, I know I need to just stop reading their emails. I'm only doing this to myself. They don't need or want my love.
post #368 of 402
My toxic/estranged mother has a blood clot in her leg. (My sister told me that.)

And my mother had a triple-bypass 17 years ago. I know her years are limited. But I don't feel the kind of grief I should be feeling. And then I feel guilty about that.

I've heard the family stories about how I was more attached to my 9-year-old sister than my mom when I was a baby. Then, when I was two, my mom left me with a neighbor for a month, and when she came back for me, I wanted to stay with the neighbor instead of going home with her. I just don't think I ever properly bonded with her.

And, noordinaryspider, sorry about your situation. s
post #369 of 402
I'm back again and its been awhile. I stopped talking to my mom in January. Started texting back with her every few days back in May/June. In July, my daughter was having her 1st birthday party and I invited her down. I actually invited her in June. Not so much for me but for the kids. Dd(8) misses her nanny. I invited her twice and she couldn't come down. So then in late August I invited her down again. I could really use help with the kids and although I'm not close to my mom she's the only person that I feel ok with having in my house. I needed help getting in the groove with homeschooling and trying to potty train my 3 year old.
But mom had also been complaining saying that her kids don't have time for her anymore and she never gets to see us. So I felt guilty too. So I invited her down. Was going to either pick her up 4 hours away or get her a bus ticket. She seemed excited about coming down and leaving that extremely small town she lives in. Well she ends up leaving me a text saying she can't come down because she needs to watch my aunt's newborn baby. My aunt had her baby and is expecting my grandma and mom to take care of the baby for free while she works. So yes I was really pissed off that she would choose watching the baby over seeing her daughter/grandkids that she hasn't seen since January! So I texted her saying something about being disappointed but not surprised since she's always chosen someone else over me. I told her we'll be fine without her. So then she says okay I'll tell her I can't watch the baby and I'll come down. Like I said before we're not close and this just burns the bridge yk?
So I just stop answering her texts and basically ignore her until she keeps texting/calling my son while we're doing school. So I tell her to quit doing that and if he wants to talk he will when he has time. She says she doesn't know why I hate her. She keeps bothering me every day with texts or calls. She even sends me messages to my facebook inbox. By then I'm just irritated and wish she'll quit so I tell her that I don't have time for her childish messages and that when I was little I had no control over the constant abandonment and that as an adult I don't have to put up with it.
She then points out how terrible a mother I am and that she doesn't need to kiss butt for her kids to talk to her. I didn't reply at all. SHe then sends another message saying she thinks she got the wrong baby and that I shouldn't treat my kids like slaves ( they do 2 chores everyday). She thinks because she left me with my grandmother or a babysitter that she wasn't abandoning me.
She removed me as her facebook friend. Then a week later she sends me an email saying she's sorry and to please forgive her. I don't really care if I ever talk with her again. I am still upset over the things she said. I have forgiven her time and time again but I just can't be close like she wants. I started pulling my hair again and have bald spots. The stress from homeschooling, driving the kids 10+ hours a week to activities, housekeeping, cooking and realizing that its going to be even worse when the new baby is here has just taken a toll on me. I tried rescue remedy a few times but don't feel like its doing much. I don't have anyone to talk to.
post #370 of 402
I'm so sorry to see everybody is in this situation.

My mother is severely mentally ill. She refuses to admit anything is wrong with her. The problem is with everybody else according to her. She won't see a doctor or get treatment.

The abuse was quite severe against me when I was a child. My mother used to make up stories about me to my dad, saying I did something bad. She's encourage my father to "discipline" me (spankings, beatings, etc.). She'd hide out in the bathroom as I screamed for help, yelling "WHY?!"

Sometimes she'd dish out the beatings. When I was in 2nd grade, CPS was called on my parents. My mother denied any wrongdoing, and I was taken to the hospital, so she could "prove" there were no signs of physical trauma. I was so scared of her I refused to talk. She tried to get me put in a mental institution saying something was wrong with me emotionally.

When I was in the 5th grade I showed up at school covered in bruises, and I hid in the girls bathroom until the teacher found me. She thought I was upset about something else, until I rolled up my sleeves and showed her the marks. CPS was involved and it was founded, but they still had me stay in my parents home.

In 6th or 7th grade my mother accused my uncle of molesting her when she was a child. She ruined his life. He was a business owner. He ended up losing his business and died shortly after from a heart attack.

Around the same time, she was working at a mall kiosk and accused her boss of sexually assaulting her. We don't think that actually happened. It was her way of quitting her job. She got another job, and accused her coworkers of sexually harassing her. Again, we don't believe that actually happened, and that it was her way of quitting.

In 7th or 8th grade the school called CPS on my parents again, because I was covered in bruises. I was so scared of going home I hid in the school, planning on running away to a safe house. The principal realized I was missing, locked down the school, and they found me. They called in an outside therapist, and I explained how I was scared for my life. They said they'd find me a place to stay until the whole CPS thing blew over. I spent two weeks in a mental institution because my mother insisted I made the whole thing up and was hurting myself.

My mother held a knife up to my throat, threatening to kill me. I called 911. My mother had the cordless phone in one hand and the knife in the other, talking to the dispatcher on the line, as I was shoved against the counter screaming for the police to come rescue me. She dug the knife in my neck, meanwhile talking calmly to the dispatcher, "Oh, she's a teenager, you know how they are. No, I'm not threatening her with a knife." My mother laughed. The 911 dispatcher laughed, "Oh, I have teenagers at home. I know how they are."

Another time, my mother was raging because she was trying to organize the upstairs hallway shelves. I went upstairs to go to my room. She started screaming at me because of the mess (none of which was mine). My brother's friend just happened to be downstairs as this was going on. He started running upstairs just as my mother pushed me down the staircase. My brother's friend caught me about halfway down the stairs (I was falling BACKWARDS). I'm convinced that fall would have killed me had that boy not been there to catch me.

My mother accused me of burning a flag (it wasn't me but I casually knew the person who had done it). I got dragged home 2 full blocks by my hair.

My mother accused me of trying to hire a hitman for $50 to kill her and my father. She accused me of being a drug addict and a prostitute. She spread these rumors throughout the entire neighborhood. I couldn't have any friends. No parent would want their kids hanging out with somebody like that.

In 9th grade the state finally stepped in and I was removed from my parent's care. Usually the kids in the home got sent on home visits. My case was so severe my parents weren't allowed to have visitation. I lived in a group home for over a year and a half, until I got pregnant. Once I was knocked up I couldn't stay there anymore. They released me into my parent's custody! The baby's father (my now ex husband) moved in to my parent's house with me. I was 16 years old, and paying rent to my parents to stay with them. Since I was pregnant they didn't dare beat me. As soon as my daughter was born her father and I moved out.

My mother became upset because I moved out. One morning I went out to a diner. When I came back all the neighbors in the apartment complex were outside. Apparently my mother showed up pounding on my door, screaming to the door and all the neighbors that I killed my father. As I sat there trying to find out what had happened, the cops rolled up. My mother called CPS on me saying I was starving my child. They escorted me to the pediatrician's office to force a weight check (she was fine). My father was fine, as well. Apparently he had gone to the hospital for a migraine headache caused by all the stress my mother was putting him through.

I moved 70+ miles away from my mother after that.

Even after all of this, I somehow thought it was all my fault. It was so ingrained in me that I was a bad person or that I was crazy. I tried to make amends.

When I turned 18 (1998), my now ex husband and I got married. It was just a justice of the peace wedding, but still I wanted family there. I never sent out invitations. I just called and spoke to my mother several times a week for the 2 months proceeding the wedding. Every time I called supposedly my father and brother were working. When the wedding day arrived, none of my family showed up. I was humiliated. NOBODY was there for me. When my MIL got home from the wedding there was a message from my mother on her answering machine. My mother was screaming at her that her only daughter didn't invite her to the wedding. Thing is, my mother was not aware that my MIL was there on several occasions when I was talking to my mother on the phone, telling her about the wedding, the location, the time, etc. My dad and my brother apparently were unaware that I was even getting married. That is, until Christmas morning when my mother announced "Oh, btw, she DID invite us to the wedding, and I just never told you. MERRY CHRISTMAS!" (insert creepy smile here).

I didn't talk to her for some time. Of course, eventually I let her back into my life. There were several other events that came up over the course of the next few years.

In early September 2001, my mother was having another episode. I was staying with her because my previous apartment had a gas leak that the landlord refused to fix. My mother started throwing chicken bones at the neighbors, and called the cops on the neighbors saying they were the ones throwing chicken bones at her. When the cops showed up, since they knew my mother and her history of lying, they asked me if that really happened. I told them she was lying. My mother became extremely upset and kicked me out of the house. This whole story is a long one, so to make it short my mother slammed my 9 month old daughter against the arm of the couch (giving her a black eye) and accused me of doing it. She was trying to do whatever she could to have my kids taken away from me because I didn't lie to the police for her. I beat the living daylights out of my mother, and my dad beat me up (he didn't know what had happened, he just came in to my mother screaming I beat the baby and I was beating her). The neighbors called the cops, and when the cops showed up my mother tried slipping out the back door with my kids. She was attempting to kidnap them. I ran after her, and I got tackled by a police officer. The other officer tackled my mother. CPS became involved, and the case was marked founded against both her and I since they couldn't determine who had actually hurt my child. I didn't get my baby back for over 3 months.

Several more years passed, and several more episodes occurred. She kept calling CPS on me as payback for all the times CPS was called on her. It was ridiculous. She drove 70+ miles to my house to steal my cats, then she bragged to my kids about taking their pets from them.

The final straw was in 2006 when she tried to help my ex husband kidnap my kids and take custody from me. I was severely ill at that point in time (Tertiary Lyme Disease), so I relented to him getting placement while I sought treatment, though we kept joint custody.

I didn't see my mother again for another year and a half. Then she showed up at my door out of the blue. She had driven the 70+ miles to my town to see me kids and my ex husband only to find out he had moved and hadn't given a forwarding address. She called my now current husband to ask him where I lived, and he actually told her. I was livid. However, since it was Christmas and she had a bunch of presents for the kids, I took her over to where my ex was staying and we spent the afternoon together. That was the last time I saw her.

My father had to have open heart surgery. My mother stole all his pain relievers. She ate a month's supply in less than 10 days. She started drinking heavily, and stealing narcotic pain relievers. She's been doctor hopping, getting multiple pain relievers from multiple doctors.

BTW, she most likely has neurological Lyme Disease. She is an animal hoarder and I'm sure those cats & dogs brought in ticks. I have Lyme Disease, and her physical symptoms match up to mine. However, she refuses to get tested for it or start treatment.

A year and a half ago, my current husband and I were planning on getting married. I decided I wanted my father there (but definitely not my mother). I called their house, and my mother insinuated that my father was dead. I ended up having to track down other family members online to find out what had happened. Turned out my father finally left her. He was alive and well.

After that, I was able to start talking to my father again. He apologized for all the pain I went through. He apologized for the beatings. I understand the situation he was in. He actually believed his wife when she said I did those horrible things. Why would a mother lie about her own child? Why would she beat a child if they did nothing wrong? The thought never crossed his mind at the time that she might be lying. But, as my mother has gotten older, her mental illness has become much more pronounced.

When my parents separated, my mother created fliers saying my dad was into beastiality. She plastered his apartment complex with the fliers. She created picket signs saying my dad was into beastiality, and marched up and down the road in front of where he worked. She called all his family and friends making these accusations. She tried breaking into his apartment. She keyed his new truck. She had a family member hurt herself and accuse my father of doing it. She spent their entire life savings in one day at the casino. She trashed the house that they bought, so that when they finally did sell it, it only sold for $10,000! When they sold the house, my father did a final walk through about 2 weeks after she left. He found some kittens my mother had left for dead. She left them for him to find. Two or three were already dead. The other 2 or 3 were so emaciated they had to be put down. Oh, and my mother ended up going to a psychiatrist's office (required by the courts). When they told her she was insane, she trashed the office and got the assistant fired (who was actually a friend of mine 15 years ago), claiming that there was an undisclosed conflict of interest and my friend had some influence on my mother being diagnosed with a mental condition.

Oh, and you may have seen my post on TAO... on Father's Day my mother told my dad that he's not my biological father. We're getting a paternity test done after I move.

Sometimes, my husband's mother throws it in my face that I should start talking to my mother again. She doesn't seem to understand the extent of the abuse I endured. She knows it's a touchy subject. I know she's just trying to push my buttons, but it still hurts. There is a part of me that still blames myself for all the abuse I endured. If only I looked differently. If only I acted differently. Maybe she would have loved me. Maybe if I was better able to articulate what was going on in the household the state could have stepped in sooner and removed me from her care.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling that rage. I can feel myself becoming irrational during arguments. I'm afraid I'll end up like her. So, I read books on psychology and self help books when I know I'm having a hard time. I try exercising. I've tried church. I've gone to therapists. I've tried medication (though that was more related to depression due to a severe un-treatable illness). Sometimes I come here to inspire me to be a better person. There's no one answer.

At times, I just don't know what to do. I feel it's inevitable that I end up like her. I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I have a hard time parenting. I look in the mirror and I see her face. I look just like her. My mind probably works like hers. That scares me.

There's a lot of behaviors I've had to unlearn. I'm still unlearning them. I'm finding out what is normal and what is not. I get jealous of those who've had a non-insane mother.

For awhile I got really into the Mothering type parenting style. I've relaxed a bit, knowing that it's equally unhealthy to latch onto an opposite parenting style only because it's part of a group of ideals. I didn't want to associate with any parents who didn't follow attachment style parenting because I figured they must all be like my mother.

I also sought out people who were mentally ill, figuring I understood what they were like and maybe if I helped them get treatment maybe there was hope for my mother. I was in several codependent relationships as a result. I'm learning now, though.
post #371 of 402
post #372 of 402
atyourcrevices, holy @#&%. I am so sorry you've been through -- and are still going through -- all that. Best of luck to you for a better future.
post #373 of 402
Thank you to those who took the time to read my long post. It was a lot I had to get out there.

Has anybody ever seen the show "Titus"? I like to try to have a sense of humor about the craziness. In a way, Christopher Titus' humor has helped me laugh about what has happened. If I didn't throw my hands up and laugh, I'd put my head down and cry.

Christopher Titus: My mom is crazy. I don't mean "My mom is craaazy!" I mean "We the jury find the defendant..." She was diagnosed a manic-depressive, schizophrenic and admitted to a mental care facility. Or, as Dad so eloquently put it...
Ken Titus: Son, your mom is shacked up in the whacko basket. Cookie?
Every now and then I still have these thoughts that maybe she isn't insane. Like it's normal to accuse your neighbors of plotting to kill you. Of course, knowing her, I wouldn't be surprised if somebody actually did have it out for her.

I see people who are mentally ill, living on the streets, and I'd like to say that my mother isn't that bad off. I mean, she isn't talking to herself. She'd be more like one of those crazy people sitting on a bench, heckling those who walk by her.

What really bugs me is some people adore my mother. They just think she's "eccentric". Sure, my mother can be REALLY nice. Overly nice. If you are battling some life threatening illness, she'll take really good care of you. But if you piss her off, for, you know, being so "needy", she'll "trip" over the plug as she storms out of your hospital room. And if you commit a crime... yeah, she'll act as your alibi, as long as you act as hers.

I don't talk with one of my brothers. A big part of that is because our mother told him so many lies about me. She encouraged him to abuse me. She encouraged him to beat me up, call me names, ostracize me from all the kids in the neighborhood, etc. My brother obviously has some mental problems, but he's good about keeping it "under wraps". He's now a drill sergeant.

My other brother finally realized last year how insane our mother actually is. He discovered that our mother most likely killed his cat (indirectly). When he saw what our mother was doing to our father in the divorce, he realized that it was just too crazy. He looked back at all the stories our mother told through the years and things just didn't add up. He discovered inconsistencies and outright contrasts. He was suspicious and started asking questions. Because the stories our mother made up were never about him, he never caught on before that she was lying. He always accepted whatever she told him (he was rather naive). Since her mental illness has become apparent, my brother has apologized for not protecting me and for not catching on sooner. He is older than me and he moved out (to another state) when I was about 13 years old (right when things were getting really bad). But, I never did blame him. I was sad that he seemed to take her side, but I understood he wasn't there.
post #374 of 402


Edited by AirMiami - 12/9/10 at 7:17pm
post #375 of 402
Originally Posted by AtYourCervices View Post
Christopher Titus: My mom is crazy. I don't mean "My mom is craaazy!" I mean "We the jury find the defendant..." She was diagnosed a manic-depressive, schizophrenic and admitted to a mental care facility. Or, as Dad so eloquently put it...
Ken Titus: Son, your mom is shacked up in the whacko basket. Cookie?
Thank you for that. It made me laugh.

My mom was a mess, too, mostly because of depression and a personality disorder and serious addiction issues. My husband's mom has a severe mental illness, too. (He got lucky, though, because she took off when he was 8.) One of the reasons that my husband and I became friends in college is because we both have these nutjob mothers and no one else really gets it. People really work to enforce that mother/child relationship, even when it's dangerous for the child or damaging to the adult.
post #376 of 402
I hate seeing there are so many other mama's here that have toxic parents like I do. I completely agree this is a club NO ONE wants to be in! I don't talk to my father. At all. I've seen/spoke to him twice in the last 7 years and that was by him showing up unannounced when I had each of my kids. Its tough because when I was little I was a daddy's girl. He became a drug addict early in my teens and was very abusive to me, my 2 sibs and my mom, verbally, physically, you name it. When I was 17 I also found out that he was a child molester and that was when I cut all contact. I can't have someone like that around my kids.

My grandmother (his mom) doesn't speak to me because I won't talk to him but honestly she's openly hated me all my life so its not a shock. I don't speak to any of his family because of it (they do what grandma says *roll eyes*) except one aunt and 3 of my cousins from that side and I rarely get to see them.

DH's dad died when he was 11 and his mom & stepdad are as toxic as my dad. He still speaks to her but we quit letting them have anything to do with the kids a year ago. His brother and step sibs never responded to any tries to see them or talk to them so we finally quit trying there too.

My mom's family is okay but my great grandmother won't live much longer and my grandmother is dying of pancreatic cancer right now (about 1 month left to live) so once they are gone the extended family will quit trying to get together. (They rarely come now).

All that leaves is me, dh, the kids, my mom and my brother and sister until they hopefully get married and have kids. Sis is insistentent thought that she never wants kids. She is content with being there and spoiling mine lol.

Its so sad. I grew up with a large family (dad was 1 of 5, mom was 1 of 4) and loved it! I always thought my kids would have the large extended family like I did with the awesomely huge holidays but now they don't. It makes me want to have a ton of kids so they can have more family. Crazy huh?
post #377 of 402
I recently decided to stop contact with my mother. Because she wasn't severely abusive (like some other parents mentioned in this thread), it took me many years to get to the point of saying "enough of this".
Last February, she threw one of her regular shitfits about something petty (I don't even remember what it was about), called me names, and insinuated she didn't want contact anymore. Two days later, I got in a serious car accident which I came out of with a fractured knee cap (thank goodness, we could've died). She heard about it through other family members, and started trying to reach me by phone. After mt grandma asked me to talk to her, and because I love my grandma a lot, I did so. I felt forced, fake, I didn't want to talk to her. But I did. We spoke semi regularly on the phone for the 6 months following.
Now, about 4-6 weeks ago, she threw another shitfit. She wanted to come visit this winter, but didn't want to stay at my home (it's tiny, and she didn't want risking us getting into a fight), so she asked me to ask around for a room to rent. The problem is that, on top of being obnoxious, she is a heavy smoker, and none of my friends/acquaintances would want a smoker to stay over at their place. I told her so, and told her she could stay with me, but it would most likely mean me starting smoking again, and that although it is my responsibility, that was the reality (I have been struggling with smoking for years, and every time I visit her, I get so stressed I start again). The conversation ended fine. A couple of days later, she removed me from her friends list and said she wasn't coming to visit. She also lied to my grandma and said I told her she wasn't welcome at my house.
I then tried contacting her, but she didn't reply to my messages. After many nights of nightmares about her, I reached the "enough" point. I blocked her from Facebook, set a filter on my email account so that any mail from her goes straight to the trash, and said goodbye. A couple of weeks after that (so about 2 weeks ago), she wrote me a long message, but because I blocked her on Facebook, she sent it to my boyfriend, then called him and went on and on about all sorts of crap. My boyfriend was smart enough to read through it, and afterwards called me, told me about the message, and asked me if I wanted him to forward it to him (it's ion French so he couldn't read it to me over the phone). He told me that whatever I choose to do he would support me (what a great guy!), but that he felt I should step back for a while.
After thinking and feeling for a week, I decided to stay neutral, to not do anything. Not get back in contact with her, whether to try to work things out or to say goodbye.
I've had enough, of being manipulated, of fake conversations, of her disrespecting me and my loved ones. It's sad but that's what I need to do in order to heal.
I'm glad I found this thread, I feel less alone in my decision to remove my toxic mother from my life.
post #378 of 402
Well, my sibs don't talk to me as much because I don't talk to my parents. Oh well. I am happier.
post #379 of 402

Bump.  How is everyone doing?

post #380 of 402

I don't speak to my mother. She divorced my father in 2009 and married a registerd sex offender who is listed on my state's Megans Law website. I haven't spoken to her in 2 years because she tried to bring this pedophile to my house around my small children, He is listed on Megan's Law due to sexual acts against a minor under the age of 12. My mother is now sending my sister in law, whom i love dearly, messages on facebook trying to get into contact with me, she said that she would like to come to my house and see me and my children, she said that she is sick of not being a mother to me, and not seeing her grandchildren. I asked my mother several times not to bring him to my home, and she did anyway. I don't trust her not to try to do it again. She played the in and out game in my children's lives once already, I'm not letting anyone be present for my children only when it's convienent for them. If she really wanted in thier lives she wouldn't treat my husband like complete and total dirt everyday that she sees him at work (They work in the same place that's how I met my husband) The only good thing my mother ever did for me was introduce me to the love of my life 5 years ago. But I can't help feeling a little guilty for not letting her into my children's lives. I know I'm not the one in the wrong, but I still feel wrong. But I feel it is nessecary to keep her out of my children's lives in order to protect them. It's just hard.. and honestly hurts very much.

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