Where should I begin... Well, I won't get into too much detail. My father was the one who was really toxic. I want to say it wasn't really his fault because he was really ill for the last decade of his life and his medication really messed with him, made him delusional. Unfortunately he took a lot of it out on me. When we had to move unexpectedly when I was a teen due to his needing a kidney transplant, he didn't want anyone to know why we had left... he thought his business would suffer. So he told everyone that it was because of me and my "mental health problems". He even tried to get me committed. It didn't work, but I did drop out of high school due to the humiliation I faced. I went back to school and did fabulously but he kept trying to hold me back from graduating, saying I was too immature to make it. He laughed while telling me that he had tracking devices put on me and that he knew where I was all the time, that he had people following me. I have no idea if it was true or not, it wouldn't surprise me either way. But I was so paranoid at the time - even though I was a good kid. I was depressed so my grades in school weren't phenomenal, but I never got into any trouble.
In college, he convinced himself that I was a drug addict, a prostitute. He would go to my high school and college and tell my teachers I was cheating on papers etc. (I wasn't, never did.). He said I forged my college diploma. (Obviously not.) He also told me all my life I was an only child. Turns out I had two half-sisters. He tried to pay off my high school boyfriend to stop seeing me. I don't know if it worked or not, but he called him multiple times a day so finally the guy got sick of it and broke up with me. He tried to pull the same stuff with now-DH, but it didn't work, obviously. Then he tried to pay ME off to break up with him but again it didn't work. That's really the last time we talked much. He passed away five years ago, almost to the day. He left me $10 in his will and told everyone it was because I would blow it all on drugs otherwise. (He was a multimillionaire.)
My mother, on the other hand... she was fine when I was little. Not "fine" but on the spectrum of normal, at least, if a bit overprotective and kooky. Then started getting loopier and loopier as I got a bit older. If I had any opinion of my own that differed from hers, (once I said I preferred cloudy/misty days to sunny ones... once I said I liked grasslands instead of the forest... once I said I liked a movie she didn't... things like that... honest opinions) she got all huffy and said I was just trying to be contrary and rude... so I stayed quiet most of the time. Even when I was in elementary school she would look through my things when I was at school and read my journals and laugh at the entries that I took seriously etc. But she was still really indulgent a lot of the time and was basically fine... I guess.
Her mental state deteriorated after that due to a lot of emotional abuse and stress coming mainly from my dad. I... well, it was a really complicated dynamic they had going on, with a lot of factors I just don't even want to get into. Suffice to say that especially when I was an older teenager and early college years, my mom went off the deep end, trying to control me and just showing this weird behavior. When I went to college, for example, she would be sobbing and screaming goodbye in the driveway on her knees, praying over me as I drove off - for two whole weeks. Then when I came home, I had a nose piercing... she came running at me in tears to hug me, then as soon as she saw my new piercing she turned around, locked herself in her bathroom, and started throwing up and wailing for an hour that I wasn't her daughter after mutilating myself.
It's been even weirder since I've had kids... sometimes she completely ignores them (my DD especially) and other times she's tried to convince me to give them to her, or to leave DH and live with her instead.
She is also a hoarder... like the kind you see on TV. She lives in a huge house and she only buys quality stuff (so it's not all trashy, dirty stuff) but it's PILED up everywhere... LIke whole rooms filled to the ceiling with stuff. It was not so bad when I was a kid, even though, for example, I never knew in the 10+ years of living in one house that we had a table in the laundry room until the day we moved out and the mountain of clothes got moved off of it... But now it's that way in every room. And there's moldy food and... it's bad. When I try to help her (which isn't easy, my having a lot of my own responsibilities to my family etc) she blames it on me and says I make the mess... OK whatever. She gets obsessive with a lot of things. When I was little she had to write down every QVC item number and info all day every day... She had thousands of pages filled with that stuff, and she still has them. Then she was really into religion and would sprinkle holy water on me when she thought I was being unholy... She goes through phases.
I don't know, we have a decent thing going now, I talk to her every once in a while on the phone and that's it, but she insists on moving to our town next spring. She wants to live within walking distance to us so she can see us every day. When I said that's probably not going to work she got huffy and said she wouldn't want to see us anyway because it would tire her and it was selfish of me to suggest it. OK, um.
DH also has his issues with his mom, but those are his issues to share, not mine.
What sucks the most is that my mom has no other family. Both my Dh and I are, for all intents and purposes, only children. (DH *also* found out as an adult he has two half-siblings... he keeps in touch with them more than I do with mine, because mine are like 20 years older than me.) But neither of us are really close. So our kids have no grandparents, effectively... no cousins, no uncles, no aunts. No family at all. And we don't really have too many friends either because a) DH is disabled and we're basically housebound and b) we've moved around so much and c) we live in a pretty rural area right now. So whenever people say things like "ask your friends and family for help" I feel like beating my head against the wall. People often just don't get that sometimes you don't HAVE friends or family. And it makes me sad to think that our kids are growing up like this through no fault of their own.
Edited by tiqa - 12/30/12 at 7:32pm