support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 20

[Nightwish]

I'll join the club. My mom lives an ocean away and I see her every 3 years or so, when we visit them. A year ago I invited her and my father here, so they can watch the kids and I could get back to work. They hated my ds (but not my dd), they said I neglected my dk because I don't drill letters and numbers in my then 2y/o (then the next week they said I do too much for them), they called my dh names, they wanted me to take them out without the kids, they smoked for hours and drank cases of beer and liquor and they were miserable the whole time they were here. Then one day while I was at work they called me and told me to be back asap because they were leaving that very moment (they made travel arrangements without me knowing), letting me scramble for childcare. They returned home and helped my sister with her kids. They also complained to all my relatives that we mistreated them while they were here.

Now my mom claims she misses my dk. Sorry, mom, you had the chance to spend time with them and you didn't. The next time she'll see them will be in 3 years (or more), and not without supervision.
 

[Silverring]

Hi 

Just signing in as 'one of the group'.  

I'm so impressed by the wealth of strength and hope in here!  Here's to you all.

[tiqa]

Where should I begin... Well, I won't get into too much detail.  My father was the one who was really toxic.  I want to say it wasn't really his fault because he was really ill for the last decade of his life and his medication really messed with him, made him delusional.  Unfortunately he took a lot of it out on me.  When we had to move unexpectedly when I was a teen due to his needing a kidney transplant, he didn't want anyone to know why we had left... he thought his business would suffer. So he told everyone that it was because of me and my "mental health problems". He even tried to get me committed. It didn't work, but I did drop out of high school due to the humiliation I faced. I went back to school and did fabulously but he kept trying to hold me back from graduating, saying I was too immature to make it. He laughed while telling me that he had tracking devices put on me and that he knew where I was all the time, that he had people following me.  I have no idea if it was true or not, it wouldn't surprise me either way.  But I was so paranoid at the time - even though I was a good kid.  I was depressed so my grades in school weren't phenomenal, but I never got into any trouble.

In college, he convinced himself that I was a drug addict, a prostitute.  He would go to my high school and college and tell my teachers I was cheating on papers etc. (I wasn't, never did.).  He said I forged my college diploma.  (Obviously not.)  He also told me all my life I was an only child.  Turns out I had two half-sisters.  He tried to pay off my high school boyfriend to stop seeing me.  I don't know if it worked or not, but he called him multiple times a day so finally the guy got sick of it and broke up with me.  He tried to pull the same stuff with now-DH, but it didn't work, obviously.  Then he tried to pay ME off to break up with him but again it didn't work.  That's really the last time we talked much.  He passed away five years ago, almost to the day.  He left me $10 in his will and told everyone it was because I would blow it all on drugs otherwise. (He was a multimillionaire.) 

My mother, on the other hand... she was fine when I was little.  Not "fine" but on the spectrum of normal, at least, if a bit overprotective and kooky.  Then started getting loopier and loopier as I got a bit older.  If I had any opinion of my own that differed from hers, (once I said I preferred cloudy/misty days to sunny ones... once I said I liked grasslands instead of the forest... once I said I liked a movie she didn't... things like that... honest opinions) she got all huffy and said I was just trying to be contrary and rude... so I stayed quiet most of the time.  Even when I was in elementary school she would look through my things when I was at school and read my journals and laugh at the entries that I took seriously etc.  But she was still really indulgent a lot of the time and was basically fine... I guess. 

Her mental state deteriorated after that due to a lot of emotional abuse and stress coming mainly from my dad.  I... well, it was a really complicated dynamic they had going on, with a lot of factors I just don't even want to get into.  Suffice to say that especially when I was an older teenager and early college years, my mom went off the deep end, trying to control me and just showing this weird behavior.  When I went to college, for example, she would be sobbing and screaming goodbye in the driveway on her knees, praying over me as I drove off - for two whole weeks.  Then when I came home, I had a nose piercing... she came running at me in tears to hug me, then as soon as she saw my new piercing she turned around, locked herself in her bathroom, and started throwing up and wailing for an hour that I wasn't her daughter after mutilating myself.

It's been even weirder since I've had kids... sometimes she completely ignores them (my DD especially) and other times she's tried to convince me to give them to her, or to leave DH and live with her instead.

She is also a hoarder... like the kind you see on TV.  She lives in a huge house and she only buys quality stuff (so it's not all trashy, dirty stuff) but it's PILED up everywhere... LIke whole rooms filled to the ceiling with stuff.  It was not so bad when I was a kid, even though, for example, I never knew in the 10+ years of living in one house that we had a table in the laundry room until the day we moved out and the mountain of clothes got moved off of it... But now it's that way in every room.  And there's moldy food and... it's bad.  When I try to help her (which isn't easy, my having a lot of my own responsibilities to my family etc) she blames it on me and says I make the mess... OK whatever.  She gets obsessive with a lot of things.  When I was little she had to write down every QVC item number and info all day every day... She had thousands of pages filled with that stuff, and she still has them.  Then she was really into religion and would sprinkle holy water on me when she thought I was being unholy... She goes through phases.

I don't know, we have a decent thing going now, I talk to her every once in a while on the phone and that's it, but she insists on moving to our town next spring.  She wants to live within walking distance to us so she can see us every day.  When I said that's probably not going to work she got huffy and said she wouldn't want to see us anyway because it would tire her and it was selfish of me to suggest it.  OK, um.

I dunno.

DH also has his issues with his mom, but those are his issues to share, not mine.

What sucks the most is that my mom has no other family.  Both my Dh and I are, for all intents and purposes, only children.  (DH *also* found out as an adult he has two half-siblings... he keeps in touch with them more than I do with mine, because mine are like 20 years older than me.)  But neither of us are really close.  So our kids have no grandparents, effectively... no cousins, no uncles, no aunts.  No family at all.  And we don't really have too many friends either because a) DH is disabled and we're basically housebound and b) we've moved around so much and c) we live in a pretty rural area right now.  So whenever people say things like "ask your friends and family for help" I feel like beating my head against the wall.  People often just don't get that sometimes you don't HAVE friends or family.  And it makes me sad to think that our kids are growing up like this through no fault of their own.

Edited by tiqa - 12/30/12 at 7:32pm

[txreader]

I'm joining...
Will include my story later when on my computer. Hugs to everyone. It's hard to be alone.

[txreader]

Adding my story -

Too many details so I will try to keep it brief . I have not spoken to nor seen my father in 11 years (since my wedding) and he lives less than 5 miles away from me. My parents married as teenagers and were brought up in a fundamentalist religion which I consider to be a cult. My mother became a severe alcoholic and drug addict shortly after marriage and was diagnosed with BPD and other mood disorders as an adult, though not until she was in her late 30's. My mother lives between inpatient care at hospitals and hopping from one group home to the next. She usually goes into inpatient care for a month or more at a time and then is out for a few months before she hits the streets only to cycle back. I speak to her every couple of months or so when she contacts me and probably see her 3 or 4 times a year. She is severely mentally ill and has no capacity or ability to take care of herself or to have a positive relationship. She also abuses her psych meds and tries to remain as out of it as possible which makes the infrequent visits a waste of time anyway.

As kids, my brother and I were separated and sent off to live with various relatives throughout our childhood. I attended 6 different highschools. My father lacks any character or integrity and there is a long list of behaviors that demonstrate that but I will not list at this time. He told me he wouldn't attend my wedding because I was having the ceremony in a "chapel" that was on the premises of the estate I wanted to marry at. His religion does not allow him to go into other churches. This was not a church, but no matter. The religion always wins. I ended up canceling my wedding plans and got married in my mother-in-law's living room. My father has never had my back and this was just another example in a long long line. I have a lot of resentment for so many things. When I was a senior in highschool, I brought home college applications to complete. No one ever took any interest in my academic life. When I brought them to the table to discuss with my father, he looked over his newspaper and told me I didn't need to go to college. Then he put his nose back in his paper. That was the end of that conversation.  I got up and went to my room. As soon as I graduated highschool, I got a job and moved out. I have been financially independent ever since and have never had help from either one of my parents. It took me over a decade to finish college but I did and I am proud that I did it on my own.

I have endured a great emotional toll because of the situation. My extended family has never been close as they are all part of the religion and don't associate with those that are not. The only "family" I am close to is my older brother who lives in another state so I don't see him often. I have felt very alone my entire life and never grounded or rooted. I am working very hard to give my daughter and the baby that's arriving next year a strong family with parents who love them unconditionally and always have their back. But I have to read books on how to do it because I don't have a model from which to draw. I am trying to "undo" all the things that happened to me whilst trying to "do" all the right things for my own family. It is a constant struggle.

[txreader]

Anyone else hate Mother's Day and Father's Day?

(My mom used to tell me every Mother's Day, "If you really wanted to honor me, you'd come back to church." The church I was raised in.)

Yes! It has always been a very depressing day for me because it just makes me feel the loss so much more.  But, now that I am a parent, I am healing ever so slowly by making it a wonderful day to celebrate the gift of my child and the gift of knowing I don't want to repeat the cycle. I've only had one mother's day, but I feel like it will continue to get better. :)

[Emaye]

Originally Posted by txreader 

I have felt very alone my entire life and never grounded or rooted. I am working very hard to give my daughter and the baby that's arriving next year a strong family with parents who love them unconditionally and always have their back. But I have to read books on how to do it because I don't have a model from which to draw. I am trying to "undo" all the things that happened to me whilst trying to "do" all the right things for my own family. It is a constant struggle.

You know, in some ways, I am over what happened in the past.  Yes, I hurt some when I think about it but what pisses me off and hurts me still is how much I have to struggle in the present and probably in the future to be and remain NORMAL.  And now that I have kids, I depth of how much what happened in the past affects me today is becoming even more clear.  I resent the "constant struggle" you speak of.  I want the whole thing to remain in the past and be OVER -- but no, it seems it will haunt me where ever I go and I probably have to continue beating it back for the rest of my life.  Ugh. I hate that! 

Originally Posted by tiqa 

So whenever people say things like "ask your friends and family for help" I feel like beating my head against the wall.  People often just don't get that sometimes you don't HAVE friends or family.  And it makes me sad to think that our kids are growing up like this through no fault of their own.

I so relate to this.  I wish I didn't.  I am sorry :( 

Thank you both for sharing your stories.  

Happy 2013 everyone!  

[zebra15]

holding my spot

[pek64]

I just don't get along with either my family or my in-laws.

[beautifulnm]

it's junk we're all here, but at least we're here together 

I have a toxic and estranged mother. I spent my life, until cutting her out, being undercut by her, and maybe not as extreme of a case as some have endured, but certainly there was always an element of abuse.  There's a post in my history that outlines the gory details. At this point I've found some healing in recognition I am not the only one, and that this type of behavior is documented and has been observed in my specific situation so as to eliminate the doubt sown in my mind that I am making it up.  I remember when I heard about "proximal abandonment" for the first time, when I read about the behaviors typical of a narcissistic mother, and the initial advice that I can heal myself by being the mother I never had. I still get angry, I still get jealous of those with parents who are attached, and who are not so toxic that estrangement is the healthy option, but I think eventually I'll be able to embrace the fact my MIL loves me, and other females in the "mother" age class take personal interest in me, and the anger will fade more. I'll never forget when I cut ties, had zero communication from her until I spoke to my aunt, and suddenly I receive one phone call from her. Her half-hearted apology, and finally telling me that I was "boring" and not the daughter she wanted. That was the disconnect. That was the literally the instant that it was all over, and I think I'll always remember just where I was. I jump out of airplanes, I've been entrusted with lives and the safe transit of billions of dollars of equipment, I've traveled, and not just to resorts that are America with a different backdrop; I've taken the metaphorical bull by the horns. Tell me I'm boring, person who sits in front of the television, person who "couldn't" get a job because you had me and had to "take care of me," person who is so profoundly ignorant of the world you live in. Tell me I'm not the daughter you wanted. It's not as if I didn't know that the entire time, it just took having my son and knowing the absolute and profound love that grasps your heart so much that you can never imagine life without them ever again, that you'd move mountains for them without being asked, and that this love is unconditional to recognize your "love" was not genuine, is not worth my time, and that I no longer need to lie to myself that our relationship or lack thereof is normal.

There was a guy I went to school with who suffered a traumatic psychological incident and also a traumatic brain injury. We talked about his therapy, and that oftentimes his session included having to repeat what happened until the pain went away, and it was just a retelling of something that happened to him, but he obviously survived since it was his retelling. I feel like when, even though I'm just typing it out, I talk about it, it hurts a little less. That, and when I hold my son close, and imagine holding my dd close soon. 

:)

[pek64]

I read about asking family for help. I have 5 siblings, and until both my parents were alive. Yet, despite their existence, I might as well be an orphan with no siblings. I gave to them and their children -- my time, my love, my money, my effort -- and they do not give anything to either me or my son. Never have. I can't figure out *why*! Don't they realize I would give to them again, when I'm able, if they give to me in my time of need?!? Even from the selfish perspective, they should give. I don't get it. But I've given up worrying about it. They are illogical. And I can't change them.

Still, others don't understand, no matter how I try to explain.

[Emaye]

Originally Posted by pek64 

I read about asking family for help. I have 5 siblings, and until both my parents were alive. Yet, despite their existence, I might as well be an orphan with no siblings. I gave to them and their children -- my time, my love, my money, my effort -- and they do not give anything to either me or my son. Never have. I can't figure out *why*! Don't they realize I would give to them again, when I'm able, if they give to me in my time of need?!? Even from the selfish perspective, they should give. I don't get it. But I've given up worrying about it. They are illogical. And I can't change them.

Still, others don't understand, no matter how I try to explain.

I understand. 

[pek64]

Originally Posted by Emaye 

I understand. 

Thanks!!

[boymomx2]

Jumping in here, too. I am completely new to mothering.com and these forums, but I also have a toxic mother. It has caused a whole host of issues that I am working to overcome. I need some support, and a friend recommended this forum to me. So, hi.

[lab]

Just want to say that it makes me feel normal to read this thread.

[Trinitty]

Hi.

Sorry to only be lurking.

I am SO sorry for those of you who are here, and those of you who had been sexually and physically abused.

We have an estrangement and deep problems... but I am thankful I escaped that kind of evil that some of you endured.

Be well.

Trin.

[elspethpaisley]

I'm here too. Haven't spoken with my mother at all in 8 years, have been mostly estranged from her for 14 years. My partner and I are expecting a baby at the beginning of July, so I've been wondering off and on whether I should get in touch with my mom and let her know about her first grandchild. Not sure if it's a bad idea or not...

[Trinitty]

So....

Is this time of year, Mother's Day, difficult for most of the other ladies on here?

It's just awful.

Trying to enjoy it with my own family while constantly hearing the sentimental ads on tv and radio, in shops, etc.

Do people really have these kinds of open honest and healthy connections?

Amazing.

Trin

[pek64]

I hate Mother's Day.

[pek64]

What to do?

My new landord has decided to convert the building to condos, so I have to move this summer. My mother, who I have barely had contact with in the past 14 years also has to move. She has been renting a condo and the owner has decided to sell. She won't buy the condo, but is going to move. The problem is she can't afford any place that she likes. I am also having trouble finding something I can afford. Financially, it makes sense for us to share a place. Emotionally and phsically, I see that as nothing but trouble!! She refuses to acknowledge my food allergies, and has deliberately slipped foods I react to into other food, just to prove to me that it's "all in my mind". Then, when I'm vomiting, she tells me I must have a flu virus, or something else, because there's *no way* I could be making myself vomit, because I couldn't have known she slipped the food in there!

Yeah. I need to leave well enough alone. Now, how to stop feelings guilty or crazy for not going with the obvious solution to our financial problems?