support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 4

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Tapioca

hugs to all the mamas having a hard time right now.

Likewise!!

I think the holidays add additional stress. I know they do for me.

[kananaskismama]

Hi - I'm so glad to have found this tribe. While I am not estranged from my mom she is often toxic. Then there are times when I feel connected to her but then invariably something happens that will break that frail connection. Since having DD and DS in my life I am reliving things that happened when I was young and they are not pleasant. I often stress that I will become like her but I will never let myself become cold and witholding of love. There are so many things that happened during my childhood that I thought were normal and now I know that they were not.
I could go on but I'm not ready.
Hugs to everyone here.

[MPJJJ]

I recieved a letter from my mom yesterday. It was all "me and my feelings." She did say "I'm sorry for everything, you are right and I am wrong." Typical of her, doesn't go into details of what and why, which means she is insincere.

She did go into 2 pages of details of how her and my dad aren't speaking now, they did not have a thanksgiving and will not have a christmas either, they have cut off everyone in their family, even my grandma (???) because that is what I wanted (that is so not what I wanted and they know it). How it is so quiet in their house because they aren't speaking to each other and nobody else is speaking to them... how they will probably end up getting a divorce, and how mom found lumps in her breasts and probably has cancer. (But since I don't care, she won't bother letting me know.) Typical passive aggressive tactics I have come to know from her. Emotional Manipulation. And what makes it so funny, is how she didn't once refer to themselves as my parents, all through the letter she referred to my dad by his first name, then she signs the letter with their first names. sigh.

It's pretty bad when I recieve a letter like that, and all I can do is laugh grimly and shake my head because it's all I have come to expect from her. I am so glad that someone sent me "Toxic Parents" because I was able to be prepared, and it was almost exactly word for word what Toxic Parents told me to expect. Anyone want me to send them this book? It really helped me, and I'd like to pass on the kindness if I could.

[Labbemama]

I would like to read Toxic parents. I will IM you my address and be glad to pass it on to anyone else who wants it.

So they are coming for Christmas. I go back and forth between dread and denial. I haven't had family come in a really long time though so I am hoping I am not setting myself up for disappointment. Best Behavior everyone. Spirit of Christmas and all that. My dh is really giving me a ration of you know what about it. Just general grumbling from him. However since the one year Hiatus mom has been on her very best bx with me and my kids. Is it too much to hope she can contain herself for four days?


And it's likely that my mom will be in town atleast 3 x in the next year because my brother's gf is pregnant and so she is likely to come for a wedding and the birth.

I have a spirit of acceptance and willingness. Willingness to be kind to her and acceptance of who she is. I hope good things for her and that she might find some happiness and be able to relate to her family, but a guard is also up. KWIM?

I've made referrals to hotels that take dogs. I'm taking off work (at some expense to my productivity too) but I just don't trust her around my kids.

[Tapioca]

Yes, I know what you mean labbemama. I'm aiming for the point where I just don't care anymore. I'm most of the way there. I can do the nodsmileandbecivil stuff quite well, for the sake of DD. But always wary. yes.

[Labbemama]

It's all different when she's in the room. over the phone is one thing. And in the car. OMG I am not even going looking at Christmas lights with her. DH is taking her and the kids and I'll stay here with the dang old dogs. No way I'm getting in an enclosed space with her grating voice.

DD suggested we go downtown to the Plaza and I was like how about we start a tradition for New Years (The last night the lites are on and after mom leaves.) and only with the stipulation that we stop by the Cheesecake factory if by some reason I must go.

LOL, so talked to my dad and now he's coming up AFTER my mom leaves to bless our home according to his religious rites after she leaves. Isn't that thoughtful of him? The funny part is that my dad is coming now too. Not his religious views. Atleast I want to see my dad.

[Tapioca]

Oh, Labbemama. I'll take Toxic parents after you and send it on to whoever needs it after! Thanks MPJJJ.

[boobybunny]

What is it about the holidays that makes me not okay with being out of my mother's family?


My father... to wrap it up in a pretty bow, he is a homeless, drug addicted abuser. Not missing anything there.

But my mom... I miss my mom. )

I have a little brother, he is almost 16. We talk weekly on myspace. Just fluff, but it is nice to at least watch him grow from a distance.



My parents stopped parenting me when I was about 13-14. My oldest son is just about to turn 12, I am so scared for the future.

[majikfaerie]

Oh I'm *so* joining this tribe.
to everyone,
i'll be back to post more later; just running out the door, but suffice to say my parents were abusive, still are, and I haven't spoken to them, and broken all contact (against their wishes) since about a year and a half.

[Strong Mama]

Can I join in? My dad is very toxic, mom not so much toxic, but just not there period. I don't have time to get into right now, but will be back. And Ill take toxic parents after whoever has it last..and I will pass it on! Seems like we have a line!

[majikfaerie]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ

Has anyone who is estranged from their parents noticed a sudden feeling of "I can do this"?

ugh. all the time.

last week i wrecked our car. thankfully we walked away unharmed, but the car has gone to the big drive-in in the sky, and i have to find us a new used car. it feels like an insurmountable stress. my father is a mechanic, and i always did car shopping/ mechanical stuff with him. he knows cars, knows where to find good ones, can check them out for me, knows how to bargain, etc.
i just so badly want to fly down to visit my family, and drive home in a great, cheap car (getting registration in my home state is also way way easier).
But that's so not an option. I also can't expose myself to any more of my parents' abuse, and definitely not my daughter!

sigh.
i so wish i had a mum and dad I could turn to in so many things. I don't have any family at all, and dp's family are all overseas.

[peainthepod]

Hi, can I hang out here too? My family of origin is very toxic and my parents were abusive. I recently had my first baby and they've been here all week from out of town to visit us. It's been one of the longest weeks of my life.

I can give more details later but I just wanted to throw a everyone's way and thank you for making this thread. It's lonely having a toxic family.

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ

Has anyone who is estranged from their parents noticed a sudden feeling of "I can do this"?

Most definitely. I've spent years not being good enough, or trying to prove myself to them. I'm at a place in my life where I realize that I will never be what they want me to be, and there is literally not a thing that I can do to change that. So I stopped trying.

Estranging myself from my family has been oddly liberating. I'm in a place where I can do anything I want to do (except nothing) without fear of judgement. I'm in a wonderfully supportive relationship with a man who makes sure that I know he believes in me and has confidence in me, and thinks I'm beautiful and intelligent and all that. And that has allowed me to find those things in and for myself.

I have my moments of missing the potential of family. I don't miss *my* family, but more what I wish my family was. I miss having family. But...

Back in April I sent my father a letter (after a year of estrangement) detailing all the things I thought and felt. My memories growing up, the remembered feelings of isolation and favoritism, the abuse I suffered at his hands, my reaction to the nasty things he said to my husband the day after our son died, etc. Detailing everything I could think of ... I spent months writing this letter. And his response to it was basically that he's very sad and that I'm making him my scape-goat. Not a single apology, not an explanation, just that.

That really capped off my decision to limit contact with him. And at this point we've had no further contact. When I cut off contact with him, my sister chose to cut off contact with me.

All of that boils down to I know that my family is toxic, and I know that I don't need them, but hearing about everybody's plans for the holidays and spending time with family makes me sad that I will never have that and my children will never have that (DH is also estranged from his family).

Sort of a long-winded answer...

[majikfaerie]

Originally Posted by cristeen

I have my moments of missing the potential of family. I don't miss *my* family, but more what I wish my family was. I miss having family.

this is me exactly. I grieve the loss of a family. not *my* family, because they are abusive and toxic, but a family. i really miss that.

[Surfacing]

I am here too. My parents were/are loving but also have some freaky characteristics. My father in particular and his mother (who has a huge influence on him and had a huge influence in our lives growing up) have flare ups of toxic stuff. Criticism, negativity...

I am spending more time around my father lately and jezuz murphy it triggers me so much. It reawakens this controlling monster in me. It starts to affect the way I parent dd1. I think I need to limit contact, reinforce the values that dh and I hold.

ugh. It's so hard.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by boobybunny

My parents stopped parenting me when I was about 13-14. My oldest son is just about to turn 12, I am so scared for the future.

I suggest reading the book Mothering Without a Map

[nolonger]

Originally Posted by boobybunny

My parents stopped parenting me when I was about 13-14. My oldest son is just about to turn 12, I am so scared for the future.

I would be verty careful with your parents around your son.

Mine stopped parenting when I was about the same age and I left home when I was fifteen.

My parents took it upon themselves to be very destructuive of my relationships with both teens when they turned 15. dd and I got through to the other side and I'm hoping that ds1 will as well, but it would have been so much easier to have kept them closer than it is to try to repair the damage in late adolescence/early adulthood.

dd lived with my mother when she was 15 and 16. It amazed me how much difference a little bit of appropriate parenting from 17-19 has made. She doesn't need me often and she doesn't need a lot of me, but just knowing that she has a safety net has enabled her to feel safer about spreading her wings. late adolescence has actually been one of the more rewarding stages of parenting.

It's our parents' loss that they chose to deny us what we needed when it would have been so easy for them to finish the job they started.

:

[A&A]

Originally Posted by noordinaryspider

It's our parents' loss that they chose to deny us what we needed when it would have been so easy for them to finish the job they started.

:

When I was 17, my mom and I were arguing about something. (I can't even remember what the original argument was about.)
But I clearly remember saying: "You had me!"

And her response: "How long do I have to pay for that?"

OUCH.

[biochick]

Joining. It makes so terribly sad that there are so many of us out there dealing with this.

I've been estranged from my parents since June, my mother is the most toxic. This isn't the first time but its the longest and its the first time I've ignored her attempts to lure me back in.

I have a few questions though. How how has the rest of your family reacted and how have you handled it, if you are estranged? My mother is manipulative and a liar and appearances are EXTREMELY important to her (she's never to blame for anything). Neither of my kids received cards from either of my grandmother's for the their birthday. I know they don't know what's going on and I'm sure what they do know is just terribly far from the thruth?

And also, how do you make your partner understand and respect your wishes? DH is just now starting to really understand how emotionally and verbally abusive my mother is but he doesn't understand how I could cut her out of my life and weekly will ask me when I think I can end this and move on. I'm not ready to move on, I'm angry right now and I'm trying to work through it and I can't move on until the issues I have with her can be resolved. I don't know how to do that yet. She sent a letter a few weeks ago and it's obvious she doesn't get it or is just in denial and I'm just not ready but he feels that she's tried to open the line of communication and I should keep that open.

So this is where I am right now...

[MPJJJ]

well for me, I am estranged from my entire family. To make a long story short, they were ALL toxic, and it's healthier for me to break away from that. So that isn't an issue. We're still in contact with DH's family though, and they don't like my family either.

My DH has seen my family's craziness and is super suportive of me breaking away. I'm coming out of a very emotional time, though this christmas is going to be very difficult. DH was always there to hold me as I cried, and just tell me that he doesn't know why they have to be the way they are, but he's sorry. It helped a lot. I don't feel quite so alone, and I am sorta excited about starting a new line of normal, healthy, family members.