support thread for mamas with toxic and/or estranged parents - Page 5

[cristeen]

For me, when I cut off contact with my father, my sister and the rest of his side of the family went with him (their choice). Which only left my maternal grandmother, who was estranged from my father for years after my mother died, and would probably be happier if she still were.

And I'm very lucky that my DH understands. My DH has no interest in a relationship with my father. If I were to desire to reconnect with him, my DH would be supportive of me, but he will never have a good relationship with him, I know.

As to how to get your DH to understand, I'd sit down with him and just tell him that you're going to need time and space and his bringing it up is hurtful. That after however many years it's been (your age), it's going to take some time for you to process your feelings. And that he needs to realize that you may decide to never reconnect with her, and he needs to accept that possibility and be supportive of whatever choice you make, whether it's complete non-contact, nominal contact or re-admitting her to your lives. And if he can't handle that, then I highly suggest counseling for the two of you to deal with this. Look for a counselor who does couples but who also has experience dealing with toxic/dysfunctional families.

[bri276]

I *live* with my toxic mother and increasingly toxic new-ish stepfather. Our finances are fine but DH's company's eight year contract ended in September, just in time for the economy to collapse and he's having a hell of a time finding a new job. Landlords and banks frown upon lack of employment, so even though we're still recieving full pay and benefits from his severance package not to mention our savings etc, we literally CANNOT move out until he finds a job (I work from home but don't make a lot, it's not extremely reliable and DD has special needs so working full time outside the home isn't a good option for me right now).

The stress level is....indescribable. I wouldn't say I'm miserable because I'm choosing to still have a sense of humor, but I would have a very tough time coming up with a worse combination of personalities. I have perspective; we're healthy, have plenty of shelter (her house is ridiculously huge) and food, and I realize how much worse SO many people have it. That said, emotionally, this is very unhealthy for me....very, very, very.

My mother is a control FREAK. She is a very mainstream pediatrician. She is narcissistic and very histrionic- I personally believe she has Histrionic Personality Disorder but I'm not a licensed practitioner, so it's my armchair dx. She hasn't admitted to one real mistake, ever. Everything is someone else's fault, not her responsibility. She is also, for lack of a better word, a flake. Forgets things all the time, always late, always disorganized. This combination of personality traits has led to an extreme amount of frustration, tension, and anger in our family since my late childhood. My mother and I never had a healthy attachment. I was born during her (and my father's) medical residency and was left with my Nanna the great majority of my early childhood.

Right now, the major issues are: not respecting boundaries in parenting my child, using myself and my husband as a personal assistant/housekeeper, and because of the histrionics, greatly exaggerating every small incident or even normal everyday situation into an argument, criticism or ploy for attention. Examples; calling the superintendent of the school district DD is entering and threatening legal action without my knowledge or consent; asking me to clean a bathroom, then not allowing me to and cleaning it herself while constantly complaining, ranting and raving about houseguests who aren't due for 12 hours; claiming enormous stress and exhaustion every day regardless of what she did or did not do. Every day it's "something". I'm sure I can't even begin to describe the tone of the household or our relationship. Just constant stress and adversity.

I don't know. I am so burnt out. All I can say or think is "I want to get out of here, I want my life back".

I honestly think that once we move out, I will need to stop talking to her for a while- it wouldn't be the first time.

[Tapioca]

Originally Posted by biochick

And also, how do you make your partner understand and respect your wishes? DH is just now starting to really understand how emotionally and verbally abusive my mother is but he doesn't understand how I could cut her out of my life and weekly will ask me when I think I can end this and move on. I'm not ready to move on, I'm angry right now and I'm trying to work through it and I can't move on until the issues I have with her can be resolved. I don't know how to do that yet. She sent a letter a few weeks ago and it's obvious she doesn't get it or is just in denial and I'm just not ready but he feels that she's tried to open the line of communication and I should keep that open.

So this is where I am right now...

I take it your DH doesn't have a toxic family. Neither does mine.

When I cut off contact with my mother (which meant, in reality, my parents) my DH had a similar reaction to yours. It was tough. He was angry with me for doing it for a while, until he began to see how much of a difference it was making in my life. One of the things he wanted for me was to get some emotional distance. He had met my family by this point and could see they were toxic but he still thought I should be able to rise above it through superhuman will or something. He couldn't understand why I just couldn't get there while being civil and pay lipservice to my parents, and I couldn't explain why I needed the break, I just needed it. Now I have that distance and I know I couldn't have got to this point without taking a much needed break from the craziness, but it took me doing it and him SEEING me get there for him to realise that it really was necessary, not just me creating more drama.

HTH. Sometimes, there's just no explaining stuff.

[flower01]

I am amazed when I read through these posts how similar are stories are...not necessarily the specific details...but how we feel and how our feelings are ignored. Like many of you, I wrote a letter to my mom explaining why I need time away from her...specifically naming things she did and said to hurt me through childhood and as an adult. And like many of you, it was basically ignored...blown off really because I'm "so sensitive" . It is so hard to believe that people can be so self-absorbed, unable to see their wrongdoing. I don't know if my mom has a specific, diagnosable mental illness...I still have so many questions.

Not talking to my mom is not the end of my pain...there is a lot of stuff I still have to figure out, talk about, etc. But, on a daily basis there is a sense of freedom. I can breathe and make decisions without worrying about what she'll think or say. I feel like for the first time I can actually do anything I want.

[Tapioca]

Flower, that's awesome. I know what you mean.

[Tapioca]

Bump.

Where is everyone? I know it's a tough time of year for many of us. Hugs to all.

[Arduinna]

My mom is totally insane, sometimes makes me feel like she is stalking my family. So I don't talk about her much online, until I get to the breaking point. I have never managed to get her out of my life for more than a year because invariable she finds me. She has called extended family and lied as to why doesn't have my phone number so someone gives it to her. I moved years ago I still don't know for sure how she got my address. This was after she and her dh beat me up with my toddler seeing the whole thing. I once told her I have physical scars from what they did, and she had the nerve to say, " so do I".


I can't even post all the horrendous things she has done. She is literally psycho at the same time she tries to make everyone around her think they are the crazy ones and puts up the perfect front to aquaintences. I think the only way I'd be able to permanantly get her out of my life is if I stopped speaking to everyone else I know. She is that good at getting info from people. It took a really long time for dh to see how toxic she is and now that dd is an adult she sees it too and frankly we just tolerate them for short visits and with superficial conversation when we are forced to.

Thank God we are getting Christmas as a family just dh, dd and I this year.

ETA, I feel bad for saying it but if I never saw or spoke to her again it would be a huge relief.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by flower01

I am amazed when I read through these posts how similar are stories are...not necessarily the specific details...but how we feel and how our feelings are ignored. Like many of you, I wrote a letter to my mom explaining why I need time away from her...specifically naming things she did and said to hurt me through childhood and as an adult. And like many of you, it was basically ignored...blown off really because I'm "so sensitive" . It is so hard to believe that people can be so self-absorbed, unable to see their wrongdoing. I don't know if my mom has a specific, diagnosable mental illness...I still have so many questions.

Yep, I've done the same thing on more than one occasion. It always ends up with her playing the victim and blaming me because I'm just overly sensitive or completely wrong about what happened. :

[nolonger]

Arduinna, thank you for posting. You and I have been on opposite sides of debates or just not in the same place on MDC lately, so you may not be aware of how much i (still) admire you and how it makes me feel to know that if someone as cool as you (and Captain Crunchy and other members of our tribe) are going through this too then maybe i'm not all bad after all.

Originally Posted by Arduinna

She is literally psycho at the same time she tries to make everyone around her think they are the crazy ones and puts up the perfect front to aquaintences..

my mother is the same way and has totally convinced dd that i am "the family sl*t" even though i have been celibate for...well, it just isn't normal!

afm, i'm still in email contact but doing about as well as can be expected. holidays are hard. i need to come back and post more later when the baby isn't grabbing at the keyboard and needing my attention..

[Tapioca]

Well. Can I ever relate to the "playing the victim/perfect in front of strangers/blames everyone else" mentality. Will you guys STOP??? You're freaking me out. ;-)

[gossamer]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I feel bad for saying it but if I never saw or spoke to her again it would be a huge relief.

YOu may feel bad for saying it but it does feel good. When my mom left town in a huff, 5 years ago, my DH asked me how I felt about it, and my gut reaction was relief. I didn't have to play the games or pretend that we were a loving family or put up with her bringing her husband into my life. Luckily, she prefers to play the martyr to her family so I don't have to worry about her contacting me. She gets far more mileage out of playing the poor mother whose daughter abandoned her than she thinks she would get by being the mother who is constantly trying to patch things up with her daughter. So, in 5 years I have gotten 1 phone call, after Hurricane Ike, one e-mail, and one package. Life is good.

[Arduinna]

Thanks noordinaryspider, tapioca and gossamer. I wish my mom would finally give up but I'm resigned at this point that it's unlikely. Luckily, she lives in another state. And we don't keep in contact that much. Maybe a few times a year she calls and we only see them 2-3x a year at most. And those are pretty limited visits. I try to remember it could be much worse. But I really wish I had no contact with her at all. When I got my new cell phone a few months ago, I never told her so she doesn't have the number.

I have this dream that we move out of state and I don't tell her. But then I feel bad because I know it would put my sister in the middle because my mom woud try and get the info from her.

[bigeyes]

I think nobody understands that better than those of us who have lived it.

On an intellectual level, it doesn't make any sense to keep exposing yourself to someone who does nothing but hurt you.

But for most people it's hard to cut off all contact. I've found I'm happier the more physical distance I can put between myself, my mom and the people who can't see through her.

[majikfaerie]

ugh. my mother tried to friend me on facebook again. i've already ignored her once. when is she gonna get it?

and

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

I think nobody understands that better than those of us who have lived it.

On an intellectual level, it doesn't make any sense to keep exposing yourself to someone who does nothing but hurt you.

But for most people it's hard to cut off all contact. I've found I'm happier the more physical distance I can put between myself, my mom and the people who can't see through her.

That is so true.

I personally feel a lack of control sometimes over my own life because I've tried so many times to get her out of life, I've moved more than once and not given her my contact info. I've told her flat out I don't ever want to speak to her again and changed my number and she waits awhile, makes up some fake story to get my contact info from another family member ( she even called my MIL once with a fake story to get our number) and then calls me months later acting like nothing has happened. It's so nuts that I finally told dh that I'm kinda afraid of her because I feel stalked.

I feel like it's safer to keep her at arms length but give her just enough superficial info so she doesn't feel totally snubbed. I've considered talking to a professional about the best way to handle her. Most of the time she totally ignores anything I say like it never happened and tries to accomplish her manipulations behind my back. Which is part of the reason that I am so into consentual living and AP.

[majikfaerie]

arduinna,
I've changed my name, moved to another state, and not given any forwarding info and been careful to be 'unfindable'. i live in a small cottage in the woods, no electric or phone connected in my name... and still my family managed to find me and show up.

it's scary. we;re moving again soon, and I'll be even more careful this time

[Tapioca]

Wow, I'm truly sorry you've experienced that. I've had less of the stalker action from my parents, but my sister has. She moved and left no forwarding contact info. My father called her old workplace on some pretext and found out where she moved to and name of her new company (she's in a very specific industry) and called her there unawares one day at work. She was hysterical.

My mother has a habit of calling over and over and over and over and over again untill you pick up the phone.

Arduinna, superficial info might be a good idea. I'm NO expert, but I have found throwing my parents the superficial bone on a regular basis keeps them under control. I guess they feel like they still have something on me?

I'm sorry for anyone who has to keep moving to escape their family

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by gossamer

When my mom left town in a huff, 5 years ago, my DH asked me how I felt about it, and my gut reaction was relief.

Freaky. I totally could have written that, but it was my dad, 2 years ago.

Originally Posted by bigeyes

But for most people it's hard to cut off all contact. I've found I'm happier the more physical distance I can put between myself, my mom and the people who can't see through her.

I find it amazing how many people assume that because I've chosen to estrange myself from my family that I'm a horrible person. My dad does such a good job projecting this stable normal sweet "teddy bear" front to everybody. I'm so lucky my DH sees the same side of him that I do, though, or I never would have found the courage to stand up to him.

Originally Posted by majikfaerie

arduinna,
I've changed my name, moved to another state, and not given any forwarding info and been careful to be 'unfindable'. i live in a small cottage in the woods, no electric or phone connected in my name... and still my family managed to find me and show up.

Wow. Just... wow.

I guess that makes me feel pretty lucky that when I told my father that I wanted no further contact he took me at my word.

Of course, when I did that, the rest of that side of the family chose him over me (my sister, aunt, uncle and cousin).

You ladies are probably the best ones to give me some perspective on this... I haven't spoken to my godmother since before I told my father to take a hike (she's my "aunt", my father's cousin). Her birthday was Dec 10 and I sent her a birthday card, in an effort to reopen the lines of communication there. Completely neutral, just wishing her a happy birthday. While she and I have never been terribly close, it really bothered me that she would just disappear because I told my father off. About a week ago I got a Xmas/bday card (mine's next week), the envelope was addressed to Mr & Mrs. Lastname. The inside of the card was addressed to my first name, and the bday check inside was addressed to Firstname Maidenname. I don't know whether to think that was just innocent or to think it was totally pointed... am I overthinking this?

[majikfaerie]

Originally Posted by cristeen

About a week ago I got a Xmas/bday card (mine's next week), the envelope was addressed to Mr & Mrs. Lastname. The inside of the card was addressed to my first name, and the bday check inside was addressed to Firstname Maidenname. I don't know whether to think that was just innocent or to think it was totally pointed... am I overthinking this?

it sounds like it could be either way. she's clearly not ignoring you, so take it as an open, if establishing contact is what you want to do. send her a thankyou note, signed with your proper name.

can you even cash a cheque addressed to your maiden name?

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by cristeen

I find it amazing how many people assume that because I've chosen to estrange myself from my family that I'm a horrible person. My dad does such a good job projecting this stable normal sweet "teddy bear" front to everybody. I'm so lucky my DH sees the same side of him that I do, though, or I never would have found the courage to stand up to him.

I have one friend who had a lawsuit filed against her by her mother. Another friend sends a mother's day card to her psychiatrist every year.

We get each other.

Originally Posted by cristeen

You ladies are probably the best ones to give me some perspective on this... I haven't spoken to my godmother since before I told my father to take a hike (she's my "aunt", my father's cousin). Her birthday was Dec 10 and I sent her a birthday card, in an effort to reopen the lines of communication there. Completely neutral, just wishing her a happy birthday. While she and I have never been terribly close, it really bothered me that she would just disappear because I told my father off. About a week ago I got a Xmas/bday card (mine's next week), the envelope was addressed to Mr & Mrs. Lastname. The inside of the card was addressed to my first name, and the bday check inside was addressed to Firstname Maidenname. I don't know whether to think that was just innocent or to think it was totally pointed... am I overthinking this?

THat one could go either way...does she dislike your dh?

You can cash it, just endorse it with your maiden name, then underneath endorse it again with your married name. Take your marriage license with you if they don't know you at the bank.