Niece favored at MY daughters bday party...

[JamesMama]

We had my DD's first birthday party on the 1st. Of course we invited all the family, DH's family...my family...etc.

My SIL came with my niece and my IL's spent the WHOLE party fawning over my niece. I'm being 100% honest when I say they hardly acknowledged Aldria. She was only held a handful of times by DH's family, she would walk right up to them and lean on them and they would either ignore her or say hello! and move on with their conversation (usually centered around DN)

During the gift opening my IL's called my daughter by my nieces name three times...things like "Wow! M---, I mean Aldria, got a lot of clothes!" and the like. DH's grandma, cousin, sister, and mother spent the whole gift opening playing with DN. You can see the whole thing over my shoulder on the video.

I wasn't the only one to notice the favoritism.

My DH and my girlfriend noticed it...my dad asked me what I did to piss off my IL's to make them ignore Aldria at her birthday.

My DH kept trying to direct Aldria to his family and she kept being rebuffed. Thankfully my friend noticed and she took extra care to pay attention to Aldria (after 30 minutes of her being ignored by DH's family) and my family fawned over her.

I'm just so unbelievably hurt.

Aldria is only 1 year so she will not realize the obvious favoritism for some time...but I just don't want her to have to deal with that.

It's not just MY kids, they spent plenty of time playing with James, they just ignored Aldria in favor of my niece. If it matters James is 3, Aldria is 1 and niece is 9 months old...so niece and Aldria are close in age...

I don't know what to do...

[Ruthla]

I wouldn't invite those relatives to Aldria's 2nd birthday party- and possibly not to Jame's 4th birthday party either. If they can't treat your daughter with respect you don't need to spend a lot of time with them. I'm not saying to cut them out completely- there's no reason not to go to family events you're both invited to, but I wouldn't go out of my way to include them in the future.

Oh, BTW : to Aldria!

[jeteaa]

its the same with us and my now 6 yr old niece. But she has a way of working herself into the center of attention. Would you say your IL's are "not baby people".... some, yes, even gp, just aren't into babies. But, yes, it was rude that they ignored your dd.

[janasmama]

I'm sorry. My MIL always uses her vacay time to go and visit SIL's kids. She says she'll visit us but never does.

[bri276]

Your DD is ADORABLE and anyone who wouldn't take every second they had to love on her and smooch her on her b-day is out of their mind!!!

The only thing I can say about them paying attn your your son but not your dd is that maybe since your dn is the youngest *girl* it's like they only have time for one girl. Which makes no sense, but then, there really is no logical explanation for why anyone would behave so abhorrently. Does your DD look more like your side of the family or something? whatever it is, it's crazy, and maybe your DH could find a way to speak to them about it.

[rock_dr]

holy cow, I just saw your pics and I can't imagine being in a room with that child and not fawning over her - she's adorable! especially on her b-day. try not to let it get you down, people are dumb sometimes.

[Violet2]

Aldria is such a cutie pie. Your ILs are whacked. I would have DH talk to them to try and see if you can avoid this in the future.

V

[JamesMama]

Thanks mamas The odd thing is that she's a replica of DH...The siggy pic...she was in the bathroom with DH and DS, DS was in the tub and DH blinked and in she went. She wanted in the tub with Brother.

I've talked to DH about it he said that if they want to behave like that then we won't have bday parties for the kids aside from stuff with their friends...

I'm sure part of it is that since SIL works my MIL and DH's aunt babysit niece a lot...but that seems like to me...that they see niece every day...they rarely see Aldria...

[lilyka]

I was going to ask if thy spent a lot of time with neice. it makes peferct sense to me that she would be th center of thei attention if they spend evey day with her. rude still but it make sense.

[Mayfly]

Is SIL the daughter of MIL or a DIL? If she is the daughter, that may be a reason why she was showing more interest in your DN. I ask because growing up my grandmother ALWAYS and obviously favored her daughter's children over her son's children. I am her oldest son's child and was the first grandchild and have known this was going on from a young age. It still bothers me a little and it certainly did when I was young-many tears were shed. I think it's probably normal for (many) MILs to feel closer to their DDs children than their DILs children but it certainly isn't acceptable to allow children to feel this. Is your son the only boy in the family by any chance? My sister's husband's family obviously favor her son over her daughter. It is really awful and I hate to see it. I remember those feelings . I was always on the outside desperately trying to get to my grandmother. I would definitely limit your DD's exposure to the favoritism. Your DD is SO cute! I hope she got lots of fun presents! :

[hattifattener]

I have a SIL with no kids of her own, just two nieces of the same age; one belonging to me and one belonging to our other SIL.

I remember this one night so vividly that I can just taste the bile in the back of my throat all over again- SIL was fawning over our mutual niece and rejecting my DD's advances over and over. It was hideous. I wanted to cry.

Later I found out that she was doing it because she was mad at me over some stupid thing, and you know what? I felt so much better after that. Not better about SIL- SIL I pretty much decided to permanently write off. But I felt better because I realized SIL's terrible behavior was about HER... NOT about my enchanting, vulnerable little toddler. Realizing that some people are just psycho helped quiet the little voice in the back of my head that was thinking "Really? DD is less cute? Less sweet? Really?"

So, no suggestions or solutions, really, but just some perspective. It's NOT about Aldria. How could it be? What a sweetie-pie!!!

[momtokea]

Originally Posted by hattifattener

ILater I found out that she was doing it because she was mad at me over some stupid thing, and you know what? I felt so much better after that. Not better about SIL- SIL I pretty much decided to permanently write off. But I felt better because I realized SIL's terrible behavior was about HER... NOT about my enchanting, vulnerable little toddler. Realizing that some people are just psycho helped quiet the little voice in the back of my head that was thinking "Really? DD is less cute? Less sweet? Really?"

So, no suggestions or solutions, really, but just some perspective. It's NOT about Aldria. How could it be? What a sweetie-pie!!!

I agree, it's not about Aldria. But OP needs to be very careful around the inlaws. I have very passive aggressive inlaws and they often take the opportunity to show me they don't like me by going through my kids. I deal with it by seeing them as little as possible and never leaving them alone with my kids. Their loss ... my gain. Protect your kids from these people.

[bri276]

"Really? DD is less cute? Less sweet? Really?"

If I ever made someone feel that way about their child, I would be inconsolable. Not to mention how it makes a child feel to be rebuffed. It's just very shameful, cruel behavior all around.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

I wouldn't invite those relatives to Aldria's 2nd birthday party- and possibly not to Jame's 4th birthday party either. If they can't treat your daughter with respect you don't need to spend a lot of time with them.

That would probably be hard to do if it's the in-laws

My ILs are this way as well. Our kids are the youngest grandkids in their family and their oldest grandkids all have had babies of their own so now they have great-grandkids that are younger than mine. They get all the attention from the in-laws at any party or get-together. It drives me crazy. MIL completely fawns over one of her great-granddaughters more than any of the kids and it ticks me off. DH says I imagine it but I don't think I do.

[JamesMama]

Yes, James is the only boy...aside from my sorta-nephew (DH has an uncle who is 4 years older than him, since DH was adopted by his grandparents when he was 8 or 9, he grew up considering this 'uncle' his brother...so while the child is technally DH's cousin we consider him our nephew)...

Niece is my MIL's daughter's daughter...

DH and I did decide that there will be no more family parties. We found a really fun indoor play center about 45 miles from here, we're having James party there. I know for a fact my IL's will not come because it's well over an hour trip for them, and plus the play place is only for kids under 12 so really only my kids and my friends kids and my nephew could do anything (niece won't even be a year). We'll let them know about the party, where it's being held and sort of invite them...knowing they won't come.

[woodchick]

Just another thought.. and it doesn't excuse your IL's behavior... Are there other kids on your side of the family? Were there other kids at the party? Your ILs may have 'thought' that Aldria might be/was getting alot of attention from your relatives and they were balancing it out for the other baby there.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by lilyka

I was going to ask if thy spent a lot of time with neice. it makes peferct sense to me that she would be th center of thei attention if they spend evey day with her. rude still but it make sense.

This is how it works w/my ILs (well, MIL - FIL is obsessed with equality). SIL has MIL watch DN (overnights since she was 1) A LOT, and MIL was in the room when DN was born. It makes me sad, though, b/c the way MIL talks to DN now is the way she used to talk to DD... just not anymore. DH swears I'm crazy, but I think he's just more accommodating of his family. I don't like going places if DN and MIL will be there, too. It just makes me so sad.

The weird thing is, MIL and SIL have invited us over for the day, before, and spent the whole time fawning over DN and ignoring my kids. they barely even talked to me. I just don't get it.

[islandfairy]

ugh INLAWS! dont sweat it just dont put too much effort into seeing them either.. I have been with my old man for 10 years and our kids are going on 11 and 12.. now my family has always treated my stepdaughter whom I have raised and she calls me mom as she is there blood granddaughter,.. well come to find out recently which i already knew anyway that my MIL said she doesnt consider my son her grandson.. WTF? We have been together for years and the children are only 10 months apart! so you know what I say to that? screw her her loss.. she is the one missing out as they will realize they will be the ones missing out as she grows so fast and doesnt have the relationship they might want her to have with them.. I completely understand what your going through lol so I might get a little passionate here... ;-P

[elmh23]

I have a niece who is obviously the favorite. She's special needs and was not expected to live and is still touch and go now at age 2. She's 6 months older than ds and ds was born when she was in a coma with a 10% chance of survival. In other words, really stressful times for my in-laws. If we're over at MIL's house talking about some silly thing the kids did, she'll change the subject to my niece and be darn near in tears by the end of her story. She just cannot concentrate on being with my children without crying. My SIL (niece's mom) has tried to get her to realize this, but then we're all ganging up on her (she's very much a martyr and everyone is doing everything to smite her.)

OP, has your dh talked to them about it? They might not realize they are doing it. Good luck.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

I'm the mother of the child (not in this question, though) that is the "favored one". I know you don't want to hear it, but it really is not any better on the other side of the fence. We try to treat our children as equally as possible (with allowances made for age and developmental disabilities, if any). My mother is always trying to find reasons to take my daughter and go do stuff, but won't even give my son the time of day and hardly ever mentions my Darling niece and nephews, unless I bring it up. I admit, my son, being nonverbal autistic, is a lot of work and my daughter is the "fun one", but then I have to be the bad guy who has to clean up the mess my mom and her husband made (she always comes back to us acting as a manipulative, spoiled brat because whatever "the little Princess" wants, she gets from Grandma and Papa)--basically, to bring her back down-to-the-earth. (I'm the only daughter of a bunch of brothers.)