Niece favored at MY daughters bday party... - Page 2

[JennaW]

Wow, that would really hurt my feelings.

I am also curious to know what the "deal" is with DN. Do they not see her a lot and maybe were trying to take the "opportunity" to spend time with DN? Or do they see her a lot and just "can't get enough" of her or something?

It just seems very weird that it was your DD's b-day party and they ignored her blatantly.

If it were me I would probably bring it up with IL's like "I really felt like at DD's birthday party that you spent most of your time interacting with DN. I noticed several attempts made by DD spend time with you and I felt like she was brushed away or ignored. I know DN is in that really cute 9 month old stage but it was DD's first birthday party and it was the one time of the year that it should have been all about her. I realize this probably wasn't intentional but it was noticeable and I felt really hurt by it."

Depending on where it goes from there, you can decide if you want to invite IL's to future b-day parties.

[RaelynsMama]

How unbelievably hurtful! I'd suggest having DH mention the favortism to his family, but it'd most likely result in more drama than any of you need. DH is one of 5 in a blended family, a his, hers and theirs situation. His two step siblings and his half sister are all treated much better than he is, and their children are treated better than my dd. When I was pregnant, his step-mother, who watched most of the grandkids, and raised one of them, due to his loser mother, made the statement that she was not going to be watching anymore kids. Since dd has been born, she routinely watches all of the children belonging to "her" kids, and barely gives my daughter the time of day. Their absolute favorite though is the grandson they've pretty much raised, and he gets everything he wants from nana and papa. One time, dd and dnephew were playing outside together, and she came out and kissed/hugged him and said bye, and barely mustered the energy to wave to dd before she left. Thankfully my FIL loves her to pieces and gives her attention, even if my MIL doesn't. I just hope that maybe things will become more even in the future, and I try to bite my tounge to avoid family battles.
Good luck in your situation =/ I know how much it hurts to watch your child be ignored or rejected by her own family, while others are treated with love and respect.

I try to not let it get to me,

[JamesMama]

See, I know my relationship with my IL's is...well strained at best...and that my DH and his mother have an odd relationship (DH was surrendered for adoption at a young age, was basically raised by his grandparents his whole life prior to the official adoption) But my IL's all really fawn over James...he is the golden boy who can do no wrong...so it's not like they ignore BOTH my children to spite me. They ignore my daughter. Thats it.

When DD was first born she was loved and doted on...but then niece came along and DD is completely ignored. To the point where, MIL will go to stores and buy stuff for DN, call me to tell me that such and such store is having a sale on such and such clothes and then go on to detail how she spent $$$ on DN...with no mention of buying anything for Aldria...

I realize that MIL will have an affinity for DN since she does help raise DN. SIL works 40+ hours a week and MIL has her quite a bit...we live about 30-45 minutes away from MIL so they rarely see my DD. Honestly, the last time they saw DD was probably August? At a family get together.

I'm sure another part of it is that I don't let MIL have 'her way' with DD. She is allowed/encouraged to give DN coke/soda pop, suckers, candy, etc...while I (of course) don't allow my kids to have stuff like that...

[momtokea]

Originally Posted by JamesMama

DH and I did decide that there will be no more family parties. We found a really fun indoor play center about 45 miles from here, we're having James party there. I know for a fact my IL's will not come because it's well over an hour trip for them, and plus the play place is only for kids under 12 so really only my kids and my friends kids and my nephew could do anything (niece won't even be a year). We'll let them know about the party, where it's being held and sort of invite them...knowing they won't come.

This is a good plan. However, be sure you don't exclude your own parents and family from the parties. They shouldn't have to pay for your inlaws' ignorance.

[Lemon Juice]

oh mama I'm so sorry they are being this way! That is unacceptable and very immature. Ita w/ Ruthla...do not invite them to the next party for dd. I took the advice of a lot of mamas about my in laws and distanced ourselves from them (turning down invites when that was what was so wrong...) and now life is much less stressful! I hate to see this happen to her again at the next family outing, ie: Thanksgiving? Ugh! Big hugs for you and for your sweet, adorable dd

[Lemon Juice]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

its the same with us and my now 6 yr old niece. But she has a way of working herself into the center of attention. Would you say your IL's are "not baby people".... some, yes, even gp, just aren't into babies. But, yes, it was rude that they ignored your dd.

I don't think that is the problem b/c OP said that DN was 9 months old, dd is 1 yr old. So I think that can be ruled out. There seems to be much more going on in their heads...or just ignorance

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by JamesMama

See, I know my relationship with my IL's is...well strained at best...and that my DH and his mother have an odd relationship (DH was surrendered for adoption at a young age, was basically raised by his grandparents his whole life prior to the official adoption) But my IL's all really fawn over James...he is the golden boy who can do no wrong...so it's not like they ignore BOTH my children to spite me. They ignore my daughter. Thats it.

When DD was first born she was loved and doted on...but then niece came along and DD is completely ignored. To the point where, MIL will go to stores and buy stuff for DN, call me to tell me that such and such store is having a sale on such and such clothes and then go on to detail how she spent $$$ on DN...with no mention of buying anything for Aldria...

I realize that MIL will have an affinity for DN since she does help raise DN. SIL works 40+ hours a week and MIL has her quite a bit...we live about 30-45 minutes away from MIL so they rarely see my DD. Honestly, the last time they saw DD was probably August? At a family get together.

I'm sure another part of it is that I don't let MIL have 'her way' with DD. She is allowed/encouraged to give DN coke/soda pop, suckers, candy, etc...while I (of course) don't allow my kids to have stuff like that...

We have all three of the above mentioned elements going on with MIL and and our DS.

DH's paternal grandfather basically took him from MIL and StepFIL when he was middle school age, moving DH halfway across the country. (This was a very good thing for many reasons.) Fast forward 25+ years and DH understands/accepts the situation for what it was/is.

When we go to visit them now, MIL has almost zero interest in DS.

She does, however, go on and on about her stepchildren and stepgrandchildren, who are StepFIL biological children. The ILs are the grandkids nearly full-time baby sitter so there is an understandable bond.

Also, StepFIL's children are challenged in many ways and I think MIL gains something from stepping in a taking care of parents and children alike.

When we go to their house, there are lots of toys, video games and the like that they purchase for those grandkids. Yes, they do tell us that they purchased these items. Gifts to DS are tokens. Not that I mind, just saying I understand the OP's feelings.

DH and I have many theories on why MIL shuns our DS, the main one being we are so completely different that we think it makes her so uncomfortable to the point she acts wacky.

Also, her relationship with DH not the most comfortable. She has guilt over her parenting and that comes through in their interactions.

I could see how your MIL could possibly feel weird. Giving DN thos "treats" is probably how she shows affection and she doesn't have that crutch with your DD.

What is surprising is how open-minded and interested StepFIL is when it comes to our DS. He asks questions and seems very interested in our lifestyle choices and often throws out his version of compliments, saying things like "I wish we would have not allowed B and S to have so much candy/soda/junk. You are doing the right thing." I think StepFIL points out these things to MIL that further makes her feel even more uncomfortable.

I send pictures on a regular basis and am always polite and friendly to MIL but DH and I both know that the situation is likely to remain the same it is her loss, not DS's.

[One_Girl]

That is really hard. My dd went through being snubbed by family the one time we visited my in-laws and it was hard to deal with. We don't visit them because I refuse to put my dd through that again.

[PabloHoneySF]

I'm sorry, that really sucks and is hurtful. We have the same situation in our family with DH's parents and his sister's DD. My boys always seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to attention and gifts.

In my situation, I kinda just say screw it. My folks go crazy over the boys and have a wonderful relationship with them. My in laws are the ones who are missing out BIG TIME.

Your little girl is gorgeous and your inlaws are missing out

{{hugs}} to you

[Anglyn]

I know how you feel. I had this issue with my oldest child.(my teen is from an entirely diffrent relationship than my LO's so I dont have those issues now). My ex IL's always wanted a girl, had all boys, then they had exactly two grandchildren. My DS and then their youngest and favorite son had a dd. (yep, when my x told me that his baby brother was the fav, I chalked it up to sibling rivalry until I witnessed it, right down to and including my ex fil just laughing and nodding when accused of favoring that son). Anyway, the favortism of thier granddaughter was noticeable from the get go. When I was pregnant, they were given a "grandparents shower" and got tons of baby stuff, all of which I was told was NOT for us, it was for THIER house for when the baby came to visit (that threw me for a loop,them expecting me to send my newborn, bf baby for visits without me? As if) a year later when ds's cousin was born, it all went home with thier other son and dil. We were told they were not built in babysitters (we didnt ask, they volunteered this info) and when I had to go back to work my x and I staggered our work schedules, but when my sil went back to work, yep, they proudly babysat. All the way up to dn getting school clothes bought for her by the IL's, but not my ds. Oh, and ds's cousin would NOT get into trouble for the same exact things that they would demand I spank ds over. At some point when he was older ds did ask why he and his cousin were treated diffrent. What do you say to that?

Anyway, I guess I dont have much advice. After I divorced my x, I moved away to be back near MY family and so dont have to deal with that anymore. DS seems to have a good relationship with his grandparents when he's there. I would limit the contact. I dont understand it. I mean, I know I felt closer to my x's niece (actually still consider her my dn) than my own sisters kids just cuz she was part of my daily life and they werent (due to distance) but when I DID get to see my sisters kids....I was thrilled and definatley made them the center of attention!! Seems weird to me and I agree you should just make them "occasional" relatives if you can so that your dd isnt hurt by it later on when she's old enough to understand.

[*Erin*]

aw, im sorry mama.
the same thing happened to my dd at her party, with her boy cousin that's her age. she was 4, plenty big enough to notice.
sucked. big time.
well, if anything, you won't make the mistake of having them all at another party for your dd again-that was what i took away from my experience.
(((hugs))))

[ewe+lamb]

That's so hard, my nephew (sister's eldest son) is favoured by his father's mother, in fact on the middle son's birthday, eldest child got the bought new presents and the actual birthday boy got second hand from a thrift store stuff - very well worn not very appropriate girts , anyway eldest nephew was very embarrassed at age 4 and gave his gifts to his brother, anyway even now 6 years on it still goes on and is very uncomfortable to all involved apart from the MIL!! She just lives in cloud cuckoo land really - anyway hugs to you all - its not an easy situation to be in.

[TinkerBelle]

When we had our youngest DS's 1st birthday party, a couple of SILs also brought gifts for a great-niece, whose birthday was the same weekend. (DH is the youngest of 12, so we have nieces and nephews who are adults)

Of course, no one asked me ahead of time and then they put me on the spot in FRONT of everyone else, asking, "You don't MIND, do you?" Yeah, I am supposed to say no in front of everyone, including the young great-niece.

I don't understand why my son's 1st birthday party could not have been about him. Just one day.

[BellaClaudia]

I am sooo sorry..

It happened to me too.. not the exact relatiohsip but generally
when the other child was younger she attracted all the attention
from the birtday gir.. so sad.

[almama]

This is lousy

My ILs are wonderful, but once their daughter's kids, especially her daughter, came along, my guys became second fiddle. They try to be involved with them a bit, but it is significantly less than the other kids *and* I have to hear about all the things they do with the other kids when we do get together. They are really great though, and have no bad intentions, so I figure it is somewhat natural.

My only thought is to let your DH handle it with them. Your daughter is not going to notice anything for a long time and it is important to make her feel loved by them, even if you really limit their contact. Bite your tongue on the bad thoughts, and just point out anyway that they were involved.

I would encourage you to rethink the birthday parties too, and if the whole family needs to be there. It sounds a little too complex to be worth it.