I am so tired of being judged...

[ShyDaisi]

Everyone I know (which isn't many, but still) has SOMEthing to say about how I am raising my son. I have no "default" person that I can go to and commiserate with, celebrate with, or just have an open ear or shoulder to lean on with out being judged.

No vaccinations? No TV? A baby doll for a boy? A play kitchen for a boy? No crackers because they have HFCS and some even sugar on top of that? CDing? Not feeding purees? Not CIO? Still not STTN? Still nursing??? All make me a crappy mom. And, these are just a few of my recent debacles...

Someone has had something to say about everything I choose. I just hate feeling looked down upon. I know that I should just let it roll off my shoulder, but it is just so hard not to have someone to understand how it all makes me feel.

MDC is the closest I have to people that would understand...Thanks for letting me vent...

[mamajama]

I know how you feel but the only thing I can say for sure is that you really need to let it roll off. Sometimes people have good tips and advice and sometimes they don't. As you gain wisdom through experience as a mom you will learn to filter it all rather quickly and not allow the bad or negative advice get under your skin leaving you feeling undermined.

No matter what you do, you will be judged. It's just how people are. We all do it. When the advice or comments are negative I tend to smile and nod or just tell people that I'm the mom and I know what I'm doing and it's a tough enough road without being fed negativity when what I need most is support. Period. End of discussion. Hang in there! It gets easier in many ways.

[_betsy_]

That's part of the beauty of MDC. We *get* it. We know. We know why you're doing those things!

"This works for us."

"It's not up for discussion. Pass the salsa?"

And a variety of other short, almost curt sayings can keep others from pestering you.

I'm really lucky in that my DH, my sister, m y mom (most of the time, anyways) and a good local friend all "get" AP. It must be hard not to have any IRL support.

[Dabble]

It's true, that's why MDC runs so strong - so many of us are here looking for an understanding ear.

Have you tried to find other MDC mamas in your area? Maybe that way you could have a IRL friend who gets you.

[1littlebit]

"what did you say? i couldn't hear you over all that judgement"

"oh really, you did that and your kids turned out normal?"
"yes of course!"
"oh, see thats what I'm trying to avoid."

or you could just think those things and let it roll of your back. people always have to have an opinion... it doesnt mean their is any value in it. you know your doing whats right!

[ShyDaisi]

Thanks everyone. I know I need to just let it roll off, and most days I do. I just felt like it was coming from all sides today. I was even called "crazy"..grrr. I guess I just needed to feel "normal" for a minute.

I like the "What did you say? I couldn't hear you over all that judgement." I think I might use that on a snarky feeling day

I have recently met another single mommy in my area off of DS. Hopefully the friendship blooms. I am really in need of comraderie.

[Alison's Mom]

Sorry to hear you don't have any support. I used to be more mainstream and only became more crunchy after having kids. My DH is still really mainstream and we fought a lot over vaxing, circ'ing, extended BFing, CDing, and western med vs alternative meds. Right now, we're OK as we seem to have learned to compromise on some issues, and he's more used to certain things, like CDing and the BFing. I'm lucky, though, that my mom is very pro-natural parenting, and besides, is really supportive, so she supports me even if she doesn't agree (on most things, anyway!).

I did find MDC to be a huge help when I felt like DH and I were just at each other's throats about so many things.

Good luck to you, and lots of hugs. You're doing the right thing. It's hard to swim against the current.

[Lily's_Mom]

Originally Posted by ShyDaisi

No vaccinations? No TV? A baby doll for a boy? A play kitchen for a boy? No crackers because they have HFCS and some even sugar on top of that? CDing? Not feeding purees? Not CIO? Still not STTN? Still nursing???

Sounds like a lucky little guy to me!

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by mamajama

I know how you feel but the only thing I can say for sure is that you really need to let it roll off. Sometimes people have good tips and advice and sometimes they don't. As you gain wisdom through experience as a mom you will learn to filter it all rather quickly and not allow the bad or negative advice get under your skin leaving you feeling undermined.

I agree. Someone is always going to be there to judge you or question you on what you are doing with your children. I homeschool mine and it never stops, seriously.never. At least not in my neck of the woods.

[Tera_&_Gibson]

Hugs Mama. I know it is hard to be the odd one out. I have had to learn to just let it roll off. Practice the smile and nod How great is it that we have this forum of like minded parents? What about a LLL meeting for making some like minded IRL friends?

[library lady]

s

It's not just you and the choices you make. ALL parents are judged. Even if you were mainstream and did everything the way you were "supposed" to, you would still be judged. People would still find some reason to judge or ridicule you. My sister was very mainstream and people were constantly telling her how bad of a mother she was. I am the polar opposite of my sister and I get the same thing. It's part of being a parent.

[GooeyRN]

Originally Posted by ShyDaisi

Everyone I know (which isn't many, but still) has SOMEthing to say about how I am raising my son. I have no "default" person that I can go to and commiserate with, celebrate with, or just have an open ear or shoulder to lean on with out being judged.

No vaccinations? No TV? A baby doll for a boy? A play kitchen for a boy? No crackers because they have HFCS and some even sugar on top of that? CDing? Not feeding purees? Not CIO? Still not STTN? Still nursing??? All make me a crappy mom. And, these are just a few of my recent debacles...

Someone has had something to say about everything I choose. I just hate feeling looked down upon. I know that I should just let it roll off my shoulder, but it is just so hard not to have someone to understand how it all makes me feel.

MDC is the closest I have to people that would understand...Thanks for letting me vent...

Vent away. I am getting a lot of judgment lately. DS will be 1 in a few days and family judges me for still bfing him, no meat,no playpen or forced confinement, no bottles at all, co-sleeping, no CIO (he wakes 6 times a night) CDing, no baby sitters, still wearing him, etc. Only my mom knows we selectively/delay vax's. I think MIL would FREAK just like my mom did. I hide the fact that I still EP for my dd who is 3. I hate feeling so judged. I really dread when they find out I may home school!

What helps me, is to remind myself that everyone had/has a chance to raise their kid(s) the way they want. These are my kids, and it is my choice as long as I am not doing anything grossly abusive/neglectful.

[ann_of_loxley]

Oh hun ...I so know how you feel!...Especially the not haivng someone to talk to without being or even just feeling judged! The only people I have to turn to are my 'internet friends'!

I wont lie...I do judge. We all...lets face it. The difference is though - I keep my reservations to myself! It has actually gotten to the point that a lot of my 'friends' do not even know many of the things I do/dont do - such as co sleep, no vaccines, etc... They just do not know because it is best not to mention as I know where it will head.

[aaronsmom]

You sound like a good mom to me.

[ShyDaisi]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

The difference is though - I keep my reservations to myself!

I completely agree. I do disagree with others parenting choices, but I don't ridicule them for their choices. I keep it to myself!

Thank you all for the kind words. And thanks to the poster for the word - ridicule - as that is exactly how I felt yesterday, but couldn't find the word. Grrr. I think that I might try the LLL meeting. I tried going when my son was younger, but he is/was spirited to say the least, so I was always concerned with disrupting the meeting. Plus, I always seemed to think about it the day after the meeting, and they only meet once per month. I joined our local Yahoo group for API, but the meetings have been postponed temporarily.

Thanks again for the hugs! I love MDC! :

[mytwogirls]

I hear ya about this! My friends comment ALL THE TIME about my children eating ONLY organic, never, ever in their lives eaten fast food (and no, a Happy Meal is NOT a rite of passage at my house : ) and the sleeping together and AP just throws everyone into a tilt and for some reason they think it their god given right to give me their opinion about it. It can be SO hard to ask questions or even comment about your children because we are "different" or "odd" Well I guess I am odd or different. Just know you are not the ONLY one struggling with this. Just know you are doing an awesome job and your kids will thank you for it later. Keep up the good work.

[mytwogirls]

Originally Posted by GooeyRN

I hide the fact that I still EP for my dd who is 3. I hate feeling so judged. I really dread when they find out I may home school!

Oh Gooey, I am sorry you feel you have to HIDE EP for DD! I understand though, completely. When my youngest quit nursing (remember the trauma nursing strike? ) everyone was like "Oh good, now you get your boobs back." . I personally am just amazed at how dedicated you are at EP for your daughter who is almost three. That calls for celebration :

[GooeyRN]

Originally Posted by mytwogirls

Oh Gooey, everyone was like "Oh good, now you get your boobs back." .

That is truly awful for someone to say to you!!!!! Why would someone say that to you when you are already hurting.

[calebsmommy25]

Sorry you are dealing with judgement. It sucks. It is so hard to feel like you have to defend your decisions about how YOU raise YOUR CHILD. I don't have many friends who have kids, but the ones who do are polar opposite with almost everything we do. I think it sounds like you are doing great, and right by your son.

I think is is neat you have a play kitchen. My boyfriend is a chef and I was thinking of getting our son a play kitchen when he gets a little bit older so he can do things like his daddy.

For me, I do alot of reading and researching in order to make my decisions on what to do for parenting, but alot of it is just intuition. I don't need someone elses approval to do right by my son, BUT would be nice to have atleast an agreement to disagree without the judgement.

Hugs Mama! Keep hanging in there. Your little one is so lucky to have such a great Mommy.

[mytwogirls]

Originally Posted by GooeyRN

That is truly awful for someone to say to you!!!!! Why would someone say that to you when you are already hurting.

Because they were mean people. Seriously though, I am in admiration at you for EP that long! I don't think a lot of people understand how dedicated you have to be to do that kind of thing.

And to the rest of us who are dedicated to being AP parents, and not CIO, wearing our children, cloth diapering, organic and everything else that goes along with MDC, I think we all deserve a pat on the back for being off the mainstream path.