I am so tired of being judged... - Page 2

[2cutiekitties]

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

"what did you say? i couldn't hear you over all that judgement"

"oh really, you did that and your kids turned out normal?"
"yes of course!"
"oh, see thats what I'm trying to avoid."

or you could just think those things and let it roll of your back. people always have to have an opinion... it doesnt mean their is any value in it. you know your doing whats right!

brilliant :

[Masel]

1. Occasionally "here's what works for us" ends up sounding more judgemental than is intended.
2. Mainstream parents get critizied too and they might feel judged when seeing your choices. That is so their business, not yours. I was surprised at how defensive some people got about diapering choices. "Dude, what you do with your baby's butt is not my business, really." I might say something about how easy they are now with snaps and velcro but that's it!
3. I decided I must be doing something right when I was getting flack from the "crunchier than thou" and the so called mainstream. Mostly I just try to live it.

One of the people that make's me feel the worst about my parenting is the well-intentoned husband of a friend. That man has no filter. I just try to ignore his comments. I guess he's technically more crunchy , more APy than me but that's no excuse to be rude.

[Murihiku]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

I wont lie...I do judge. We all...lets face it. The difference is though - I keep my reservations to myself!

:

[BellaClaudia]

It is good to remember who you are and why are you doing those things
when you deal with judgemental people..

You know that what you are doing is superior in all ways to harmful and neglectful parenting practices and this should make you fill really good inside.

I do the same exactly things that you do, the same choices for most cases and more less it is all about attachment and compassion and trying to do no harm as much as I can..

yet most people are still in medieval times comes to parenting and they treat kids as subjects to their uneducated and uncompassionate ways.
I pity them and their kids, because they usually suffer through their childhood and learn very unhuman parenting techiques..

I take case by case and usually let go all comments but if it is too much
I might snap and answer back to comments of a kind..

you are cosleeping???? at the age of 3??

and I go: oh, you did not know that this is the newest trend and most people are doing it and those who don't actually are considered minority?


the same pretty much might go to any of them..

do you still nurse?.. yeah.. and you know what? it is the newest trend supported by such a heavy science that peole are scratching their head why they did not do it earlier and they are jumping on the idea left right and center...

or.. if I really have totally ehough I might snap entirely...

you don't Let the baby cry to sleep?.. I ask.. you do??? I have never heard about person who would let this happen to their litlte baby, everyone knows that this causes brain damage.. Oh, I am so sorry, you did not know?

oh don't even get me started on vaccinations..
this one I just keep to myself as everyone has really such a strong opinion..
and you got more then 50% chance they are against yours in the first place so it is good to stay off topic considering that you won't change their minds and it is non of their business anyway :-)


take care and hugs.

[EineMama]

No advice, just a hug! I have been there, and even now with baby number 3 still am... hang in there!!!

[Dame]

Originally Posted by divinedavinci

I

You know that what you are doing is superior in all ways to harmful and neglectful parenting practices and this should make you fill really good inside.

In a thread about being judged for parenting practices, I find this statement a little much.

[LittleBlessings]

Originally Posted by library lady

s

It's not just you and the choices you make. ALL parents are judged. Even if you were mainstream and did everything the way you were "supposed" to, you would still be judged. People would still find some reason to judge or ridicule you. My sister was very mainstream and people were constantly telling her how bad of a mother she was. I am the polar opposite of my sister and I get the same thing. It's part of being a parent.

:

I have to agree with that. It does not matter what or how you do things people will always judge

[Anglyn]

Oh yes, bless MDC!

When I was raising my first baby, I was flying by instinct alone, everyone was telling me that I was doing it wrong, even had CPS called once and I knew NO ONE who felt like I did and had no idea anyone else in the world parenting like me, much less that there was a term for it; attachment parenting! Seriously, its amazing that I bf til a year and coslept til about ten! And didnt spank my kid? well, he was going to be a spoiled brat didnt I know that? And why wouldnt I just put him down and let him cry already? His lungs were never going to develop that way....

Of course now that he is 17 and turned out pretty darn well...those same people tell me that I just "got lucky". Sigh.

But at least you have support here! We all understand! I just dont tell most people about what im dont at home. But i have one coworker who will go out of her way to ask if my 3.5yr old is still bf then freak out when the answer is yes, which she knows it is....

[turtlewomyn]

I think once you get farther along in parenting you will start to feel confident enough that you won't allow those comments to bother you anymore. I don't remember exactly when (maybe around two years, maybe when we started working on the second one) I stopped letting the comments bother me. Just yesterday I was having a conversation in the hall with a coworker who parents her children very differently from myself. She was sharing with me the joy over having just abruptly weaned her two year old off the pacifier and I shared my joy of having just gently MLW'd my three year old. We both had big exciting milestones to share, and we shared them. I know she thought I was nuts for breastfeeding a three year old, based on other conversations, but for some reason, it really doesn't bother me anymore. I have the right to parent the way I choose, and she has the right to parent the way she chooses. We can respect each others differences without being judgemental, on either side.

[ShyDaisi]

I wish that the comments coming from these people were just perceived judgements. It isn't that I just am taking their different stances personally. It is that they are out right ridiculing me and putting me down for the choices I am making. I guess that is what is making it so hard to let it roll off. If it was just, "Oh! You are doing that?" I wouldn't have a problem with -- I actually deal with that a lot and have no problem with the surprise. It is the, "How stupid!", "Your crazy!", rolling eyes, and other degrading judgemental remarks. It is just frustrating that they can't just revel in the differences that we have as opposed to feeling the need to make someone feel inferior to them due to their parental choices.

[mamazee]

I'm sure it is real judgment, and it is a pain to have people judge you. But it's also true that ALL moms suffer from that, including mainstream moms. It's weird that becoming a mom opens you up to so much unsolicited advice and judgments.

The best you can do is learn to ignore them, and try to find more like-minded moms to hang out with (maybe through Finding My Tribe or whatever it's called, and La Leche League.)

[mytwogirls]

Originally Posted by turtlewomyn

I think once you get farther along in parenting you will start to feel confident enough that you won't allow those comments to bother you anymore. I don't remember exactly when (maybe around two years, maybe when we started working on the second one) I stopped letting the comments bother me.

I have to agree with this one 100 percent. I am the same way with my two year old. I am very confident now in my parenting style and choices, but when she was young and my only child at the time I would really question myself sometimes because of comments others made. Now I just roll my eyes and live on.

[kwilki8]

Originally Posted by divinedavinci

You know that what you are doing is superior in all ways to harmful and neglectful parenting practices and this should make you fill really good inside.

I do the same exactly things that you do, the same choices for most cases and more less it is all about attachment and compassion and trying to do no harm as much as I can..

yet most people are still in medieval times comes to parenting and they treat kids as subjects to their uneducated and uncompassionate ways.
I pity them and their kids, because they usually suffer through their childhood and learn very unhuman parenting techiques..

I really don't think that responding to judgment with more judgment is in any way helpful. While I certainly understand a desire to throw a snarky response like the examples you gave back at someone who is disrespectful of my parenting choices, I don't see how I can talk about compassion and respect if I am feeling superior to their "neglectful" and "unhuman" practices. I think that "do no harm" may apply first to my children but it also applies to those around me.

[lovbeingamommy]

I so welcome judgement especially to my face because I will out debate almost anyone regarding parenting choices. It's sort of funny because many people don't know how to argue effectively when it comes to this sort of thing and I find out rather quickly that their decisions are based purely on emotion or previous experiences, like this is the way it's always been done. Funny thing is...they don't know "why" like circ. for example

My goal is to get people to "think" about their decision and "why" their doing it. If they can justify it than good for them, but I can as well for what I believe

Oh, how I love pleasantly discussing AP issues with a hostile group

[ACsMom]

You are the kind of mother I aspire to being! I've done a pretty good job, I think, but I've got plenty of room for improvement! I hate the judgments and it sounds like you are dealing with people who have tremendous insecurity about their own parenting decisions, otherwise they wouldn't be so hostile toward yours. I have family members who are like that, and it does hurt because these are people I love.

Hope your new friendship does blossom! Even having just ONE person IRL who shares some of your views can really help. After my dd was born I hooked up with some of the moms who were in my Bradley class - I knew we had at least the desire for natural birth in common! Best thing I ever did. La Leche league can be good, too...depending on the group.

BTW I really love your son's name. How beautiful!

[BabyBearsMummy]

I know it drives me nuts sometimes how everyone thinks they should have any input into how I choose to raise MY DD.

We are so lucky to MDC to come and vent with each other and share our frustrations.

[ewe+lamb]

Originally Posted by ShyDaisi

I think that I might try the LLL meeting. I tried going when my son was younger, but he is/was spirited to say the least, so I was always concerned with disrupting the meeting. Plus, I always seemed to think about it the day after the meeting, and they only meet once per month.

I just wanted to say to you, please go to a LLL meeting if you would like to, loads of different mothers and babies/children go and we expect and should accept everyone, we have our philosophies but really to get the all important support you need please don't not go just because you have a spirited child, we'd much rather see you there than not at all, it's a great source of information and support.

2 days after my son was born I was nursing him and the nurses were talking about nursing babies, I mentioned that dd had nursed till she was 2.5 years, (actually I tandem nursed and it was 4.5 at the end) anyway when i said this one nurse said that my dd couldn't be 'normal' that there was something wrong with her for nursing so long, I was horrified and moved away with ds, the next day she came to apologise and I explained AP to her, the day after she came back with loads of information she had found out and told me that we had changed her way of thinking and that she was very embarassed at how she had treated me - IMO it was worth it, because as a ped nurse hopefully she'll pass that information on and help other mothers - well I hope that anyway.

Hugs to you, surround yourself with folk who'll want to help you and support not judge you - I feel so much better when I do that - LOL.

[Bookworm]

Tennessee is a hard place to be. I grew up there, and just left it about a year and a half ago. La Leche League is a MUST. A MUST. Seriously. Aside from that, I just try to focus on how much we all love our kids, even though we're all different. I feel less need to tell about my choices when I do that, and that creates less alienation on both sides. Sometimes I even wind up enjoying myself with people whose political views disgust me and whose parenting choices, are, um, not ones I would make. It is also getting easier as she gets older, although that may change once she's in school. She's three now.

[mytwogirls]

Originally Posted by divinedavinci

It is good to remember who you are and why are you doing those things
when you deal with judgemental people..

You know that what you are doing is superior in all ways to harmful and neglectful parenting practices and this should make you fill really good inside.

So how is that being helpful by doing some judging yourself? I think that would cause more harm than good in this situation.

[ema-adama]

MDC is pretty much the ONLY place I have for any support and the only place where I am not made to feel like an idiot for making choices that 'complicate' my life.

A PP said your son sounds like a lucky guy, and I would have to agree.

It's tough making choices that you know are right for you when they go against what pretty much everyone else is doing. And it's very tough when you don't scorn more mainstream parenting choices, but are scorned for your choices.... I just keep my language very neutral and send out little hints in conversation to see if the new mama I am talking to might be needing some support outside of the mainstream (and maybe I will find a new friend as well )

I really really MDC for this precise reason