Parents of 3 yr. olds, post here (support thread)! - Page 3

[Surfacing]

Hey Mamas, dd1 is 3.5 yrs old and I can soooooooo relate to the things posted here: concerns with "wholeness" ("Ahhh! My paper ripped!"), regressive pottying (lots of accidents lately after being trained eons ago), arguing about everything, disagreeing, saying no as much as possible, being upset with me even when I'm trying to do what she wants, talking to me like I'm an idiot, constantly begging for candy, asking for food and not eating it after it's prepared, etc.

But she is also soooooo beautiful and cute. When she's in swimming class she'll turn to me and give me a big proud thumb's up! Too cute. She says the funniest phrases like, "For goodness snakes!!!" Hard to keep from chuckling at that! She's into forts and "big girl clubhouses" (to keep 10 m.o. dd2 out). She loves her baby sister and adores her. :

But oh. The tough days. Help me.

ETA - about boundaries, etc. I reluctantly have started a reward system thingy which was totally against what I wanted to be doing but you know what? The gal RESPONDS to it POSITIVELY. So I'm keeping at it. Also I notice when I put up a rule or boundary she knocks against it repeatedly from all angles, and finally when I think I'm about to go off the deep end, she stops, and turns all mushy, "I love you mommy". ??? Go figure! She seems to like to know where the boundaries are and when I'm consistent about it, it makes her feel secure.

[mamahart]

My little 3.11 yr old is a love. except when he throws things in frustration, hits us in anger and cannot barely let his mama leave the room
Now we are working on all these things and have family meetings to re-negotiate terms. But I am truly exhausted. He needs me to be so close all the time. The whole thing totally applies as we all scramble to discard a broken toy before it is discovered.
I am looking for suggestions about the throwing. No one in our home does this or anywhere he has seen but oh my gosh it happens. His reply is generally I am SOOO mad or so and so is SOOO mean.
any ideas??
I am also curious about this sudden seemingly severe seperation anxiety. It is very confusing and honestly very inconvenient as I have been attempting to work a bit at night and on when my DH is home. It has been a crazy tantrum laced event every time I leave the room..very unusual for this little guy.

[Kerrie]

I came looking for something just like this thread! DD2 has been so challenging lately. She really has been ruling the house. Today was just another day in a long list of days that I wanted to rip my hair out. We went to church where 1/2 way through she decided that she wanted to leave the sanctuary. I took her out -leaving the other 2 with DH who NEVER comes with us but came today because DD1 was singing in the youth choir. DD2 decides that she's not going back. What am I going to do? Bring in a screaming 3 yo to the service? I left her alone and went to get DH. He goes back for her and ended up having to take her to the car because she refused to go back and wouldn't stop crying. DH ended up missing DD1 singing. I was so upset. She was a mess. Wouldn't leave my side for quite a while but then was fine. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I let her do things that I wold never let my other kids get away with because I just can't deal anymore. Tonight we were getting ready for bed -like a PP said, something we do EVERY night. She wouldn't pee, brush her teeth, wash her face, get in her pjs, etc. When I tried to let her choose she just whined and fussed and wouldn't make a choice. I'm happy to hear that others are dealing with this and that for the most part this is just her being 3 but what do I do? I need some ideas. I'm going to check out some of the books mentioned by PPs at the library this week. I need help or I'm going to have to start drinking adult beverages in large amounts.

[ma_Donna]

3 years old was a HARD age for our family. DS1 has just turned 5 and DS2 is 2y4mo so we're in the eye of the storm!

I think it will be easier the second time around, we've been through it before, plus DS2 is just a different person than his brother. Plus... we KNOW that there is an end to it!!

[funkymamajoy]

Today was much better!

Today DS was almost an angel, especially compared to yesterday. I turned off the tv early, moved lunch and naptime up. I don't know if that helped but he actually played outside, was nice to me and his sister, played Candyland with his 10 year old uncle with no fights and ate his dinner.

Now, of course, I'm sitting at the comp because I can see his room from here and he keeps getting out of bed. But a huge improvement from yesterday.

DH is home the next two days, hopefully Daddy won't throw everything off.

[XanaduMama]

I'm thinking about implementing a sticker chart rewards system--goes against the whole UP thing, but I actually think it might work. We saw a Melissa and Doug magnetic version at the bookstore yesterday and ds REALLY wanted it (not sure he knew what it was exactly, but it caught my attention).

I'm just so tired about having the same battles every. single. day. Bathtime. PJs. Getting dressed. Eating dinner. Hurting baby sister. Hurting the cat. Getting up in the middle of the night. etc. etc. I wonder whether a positive rewards system might be worth a try.

Anyone else use this?

[catemom]

Xanadumama In psych. class in college the instructor told us that it is a PROVEN FACT that rewarding people for exhibiting the desired behavior always works better than punishment. I have been having problems with DS at home and at school and he has been responding miraculously well to being given rewards for good behavior (despite his teacher's opposition to it).

[XanaduMama]

Yes, but then there's Alfie Kohn's argument that rewards and punishments are part of the same continnum (manipulation). UP is a struggle for me, but I agree with the philosophy... I do think, though, that anyone who manages to parent "unconditionally" in the face of a 3yo must actually be some sort of saint, or alien, because I certainly can't do it.

But, like I said, I'm contemplating the rewards approach because I'm tired of pleading and eventually (often) yelling/threatening

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by pellifoli

It seems like he needs a nap, but like someone else mentioned, if he does, he's up til after 10pm or so. and it's a nightmare getting him down.

Yesterday DS fell asleep in the car around 4:30 pm. I knew it would lead to nothing but trouble but he was so tired from his visit to Nana's, lunch and a trip to Bass Pro.

DH carried him in the house and engaged in a cuddle puddle on the couch and begged me not to wake DS up.

I left this go on for about an hour before I declared it was time to get up. (Both of them were asleep at this point and there was possibly a cat or two in the puddle.)

I think we can all see where this is going.....guess who was absolutely bouncing on the walls all night?

I see OCD behavior too. I recently replaced my bedside lap.

"Ohhhh, I like your new lamp. Can I touch it?" repeat 100x each night before we can settle down.

[Blucactus]

My DS1 just turned 3 and boy oh boy...we have been dealing with 'the threes' behaviour wise for a couple months now. I am at a point where I recognize that he cycles in and out of easy/intense behaviours. We will have a couple days to a couple weeks where EVERYTHING is a struggle. You know what I mean! He is crying in a heap on the floor about everything, including everything that doesn't involve him! He cries because I'm changing his brother's diaper. He cries because I'm eating a sandwitch. Etc. I have to tell him to do something 1000000 times. His "whine" er gets switched on and the switch gets stuck. LOL....Seriously though, those days are such a struggle, I just try to be empathetic and to help him to learn and to guide him and I know that we will come out of it and have sunny days for a while before cycling back to the intense ones.

We had a sunny day today and it was GLORIOUS!!! (: Mondays are usually tough too, bc we have Daddy home all weekend but Mondays its back to just me at home with the boys splitting my attention between them). There was no falling on the floor shrieking about everything that anyone did or didn't do. There was cheerfullness, and playing by himself, and he just had a great morning and was all around lovely and it was easy to be his mom. I am going to enjoy it before we go into another very intense phase...

[maryeb]

I notice it cycles too, and I think that also has something to do with my mood. Last week, we had great days Wed.-Fri. Then with dh home all day over the weekend it got a little hairy. I was hoping for lots of time to do what I needed/wanted to, since it's way easier to go out in the car with dh driving, etc. Ds1 wanted to play all day with dh of course, so we had some issues with everyone getting their needs met. I was annoyed and it totally set ds1 off, like I could tell he felt nervous his desires weren't going to get met. YKWIM? Well, then with all the fires here in SoCal, we couldn't really get out much to the parks since the air quality was horrible so ds1 had quite a few meltdowns in general. Whew! Glad the air is better! Anyway, this thread has helped me tremendously. I'm so grateful for it! It's nice to know how others are coping, etc. Thanks.

[erinwestpoet]

Oh, I just have been crying to myself this evening because I had such a HORRIBLE day today with my dd who is not quite 3.5. It seems most days we are in a constant battle. I just look at her and feel worn out! We are having major potty issues even though she has been pottytrained since she was 2.5. The worst part about the potty issue? Well, she likes to poop when my friends (and her friends) are around to embarrass me! I am not kidding. She laughs. It is hard not to really react and I think no reaction would not be appropriate. I got upset and told her we were leaving the playground. She ruined a perfectly good time. Maybe I should have just done a time out in the stroller? I don't know. I just felt like leaving was the natural consequence. Hell, since I am already writing about it, let me say that she had pooped without my knowledge. As I am helping her into the swing, it rolled out onto the ground. She yelled, "Poop. It's my poop!" And then the other mom and kids all looked and I had to pick up the poop with a tissue in front of all these people and throw it away. She was laughing! Now maybe she should have been the one to pick it up? I just didn't totally trust that she would do it without smearing it or something. I know this probably sounds freaking hilarious, but it was so embarrassing at the time! Okay now I am laughing. This is a good thread.

[jrpbrown1]

Ahhh, I am joining this party. DD is bright and darling and adorable and the devil. : Exhausting is the only word that captures it. I have the Ames and Ilg books and they are very enlightening to read. I really bristled at the suggestion to let someone else take care of your 3 yo as much as you can when I first read it. However, it must say that last week we sent her to daycare and took DS to an appointment and ran errands and it was a dream to be productive and not have to have a power struggle every 5 minutes. I feel like a horrible failure as an AP mom sometimes. She is just wearing me down so much. But she adores her baby brother and comes out with funniest things sometimes. She can be sweet, I have seen it! It is just rare these days.

I try, really try, to remember that all these qualities that drive me mad now will help her become an amazing woman one day.

[novaxmomof2]

Thank you SO much for this thread! I don't feel so alone anymore. I have a DS who will be 3.5 on November 30th. Man is it tough some (most) days! This morning I took him and his little brother (15 1/2 months) to their first storytime at the library. It was pretty much a disaster. He was fine during the dancing and singing segment but when it came time to sit down and be quiet for the story well forget it! I told him that we would have to leave if he didn't behave and guess what - we had to leave! At first I was angry and frustrated but then I realized that #1) his daddy left yesterday for another trip out of the country, #2) it's so cold outside that he hasn't been able to get out and run around much the last couple of days, #3) he's a 3 1/2 year old boy with tons of energy and he just doesn't want to sit down and be quiet while a stranger reads a book, and #4) he's still tired from our 4-day trip to a cabin in the Smokey Mountains this past weekend. On the way home he told me, "Dylan didn't behave. Dylan blew it". I asked him if he liked storytime and he said no! So maybe he's just smart enough to know what he likes and doesn't like LOL! I guess I'll just start having our own storytime at home from now on.

But in general, the 3s are TOUGH! Somedays I feel like all I do is tell him to stop taking toys from/pushing/being mean to his brother. And lately he's been sassing me and calling me by my first name! ARRGGGGHHHHH! Drives me NUTS! Oh, and everything I ask him to do or tell him he responds in the negative. I'll say, "It's time for your bath" and it's "NO, it's NOT time for my bath". He is so strong-willed too. We have never spanked and never will but I have been known to yell on occasion. I'm not proud of this but there are just times when I LOSE it!

I feel better knowing that I'm not alone is this boat. :-)

[funkymamajoy]

Any ideas on fighting sleep?

DS still needs an afternoon nap, but he fights it for so long its 3:30-4 before he falls asleep. This takes up our entire afternoon. I know he'll fall asleep if he just gives himself a chance. How can I convince him (ha!) to just lay down and try to go to sleep?

[Masel]

My DD will be 3 next month and I can so relate to what parents have said.
I just ordered a few of the books mentioned here. Our parenting toolbox was down to just a couple things I didn't like but worked. We've been bargaining more than I'd like.

The worst part is avoiding these confrontations. I realized this week with my DH out of town how contrained I felt since I didn't even want to go to the store with DD. Her doctor wants her to have a bath every day because of her dry skin issues but I put it off and off to avoid a fight. Now that it is cold and dry I've got to find some way to make this fun again.

One thing that has worked recently is getting more sleep. Around the first of November we started getting her to bed earlier and this has made a huge difference in her attitude the rest of the day. We had gone to a talk on kids and sleep issues but the time change seems to have helped. The one thing I got out of the sleep lecture was with toddlers/pre-schoolers who won't stay in bed - threaten to close their door and tell them you are doing this to keep them safe. This worked. My DD would try to get out of bed. She hates having her door closed. I only have to close it for a second for her to get the message. We still have some bad days but it is getting better.

One amazing thing about my DD is that she has gotten really good about asking people what is in the food she eats. She has a host of food allergies and adults are stunned when she asks "Is there cow milk in this?" I don't trust this 100% since she's still very young and some shiny treats are hard to resist.

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

Just demanding, whiny, OCD-like tendencies, out of this world tantrums, controlling, easily dissatisfied, etc -- I miss my sweet, loving child who I felt so connected to

I feel the exact same way. I can't tell you how many times I have thought that to myself recently. I miss my sweet baby girl.

My daughter turned 3 this month. I started to notice some changes in her a few of months ago and could see we were headed into the challenging 3 year old stage. I thought I was savvy enough to be able to handle it though and things were going okay. She was my only child and I had all the time in the world to deal with her and figure things out.

Then my son was born and things have been going down hill ever since. In addition to the typical 3 year old behavior, we now have jealousy and anger thrown in the mix Unfortunately, I am too sleep deprived and exhausted to do much about it. I feel completely overwhelmed by her behavior. I have been doing and saying things I swore to God I never would...yelling, threatening, punishing, etc. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I didn't think it would be this hard. I just want everyone to be happy again.

I am too tired to articulate much else but just wanted to jump into the conversation and say I am so grateful that I found this thread. It brought tears to my eyes to read that other people were dealing with some of the same issues because it made me realize I am not the worst mother in the world.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by riverscout

Then my son was born and things have been going down hill ever since. In addition to the typical 3 year old behavior, we now have jealousy and anger thrown in the mix Unfortunately, I am too sleep deprived and exhausted to do much about it. I feel completely overwhelmed by her behavior. I have been doing and saying things I swore to God I never would...yelling, threatening, punishing, etc. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I didn't think it would be this hard. I just want everyone to be happy again.

Oh I so hear you!!! I've been more grumpy again than I've been in awhile.......dd1 drew a picture of me at playschool with a grumpy face. Today she said she wishes she didn't have a mommy. (But a few hours later she was saying she loved me, etc. ) Sigh, it's so up and down! Lately I've been doing all the things you've mentioned above. You just do the best you can. Hang in there Mama.

[funkymamajoy]

Originally Posted by Masel

Her doctor wants her to have a bath every day because of her dry skin issues but I put it off and off to avoid a fight. Now that it is cold and dry I've got to find some way to make this fun again.

These might help make bath time fun again for you guys
http://homeparents.about.com/cs/reci...g/a/crsoap.htm

[ernalala]

Originally Posted by Masel

The worst part is avoiding these confrontations. I realized this week with my DH out of town how contrained I felt since I didn't even want to go to the store with DD. Her doctor wants her to have a bath every day because of her dry skin issues but I put it off and off to avoid a fight. Now that it is cold and dry I've got to find some way to make this fun again.

You do not necessarily have to give daily baths.
My sisters DS has very dry skin and an eczema issue and they were advised the very opposite: not to bath too often so the natural skin's sebum can help 'feeding' his skin. When he was a baby they would bath him just once a week. Together with use of special lotions.
I also notice that for my DS2 baths often mean making the skin even dryer, even when avoiding soap and all. What does help is baths with natural oils/essences and my kids love the straberry, apple and apricot verdsions (these are such lovely perfumes!).
I have never washed my kids daily. It's not necessary, and honestly, a lot of work and very wearing at times. What ı do on the no bath days isd cleaning their hands and face, or entire body with a special cleaning lotion or milk (like mustela, chicco) that makes the clean, fresh, nice smelling and moisturised. y DS1 prefers the lotion wash.

I always swear to myself that I will never bath both kids together again, but for other convenience reasons I end up doing that very exact thing sometimes it works out well enough but most of the time it means fighting and trouble. (they are 4,5 and almost 3).

My son is not three yet but getting towards and he has been very troublesome to my and my husband (ı recognise all of the behaviours you mentioned here) and he's been, well 'trying' since about a full year already and I just see his terrible twos continue towards terrible threes...
And 4 is not so great in other kids either lol.

Just to say, our life with children lately is very exhausting too. I feel like we do more 'complaining' about them and our situation, than actually enjoying it. And that is so so sad. We want to get out of this cycle and really fully enjoy life with children again, that was the initial goal after all! Now it seems to be we are continuously avoiding tantrums and battle with our youngest, and having to deal with sibling conflicts and violence 2/3 of the time.

Subbing.