i have a copy of hale's if you want anything specific looked up, pm me anytime.
post #81 of 572
11/30/08 at 3:31pm
really??? DEPAKOTE is safe while nursing? is it safer than lamictal? god i need help. i spanked my dd last night and i swear i feel like a rageful monster...like someone else. when really...normally (what is normal anyway) i would not even think to hurt her that way. i've said some horrible things to her the past year too. i'm afraid what to tell my dr. and what not to for fear of losing my dd but sometimes i think maybe having a mom whose bipolar is worse for my kids...this is just awful. not to mention i'm alone. i can't do this on my own. i have been beggin my mother to help me out and live w/ us cuz i just can't do this alone. my dd is hurting i can tell...and the guilt is just killing me. i don't believe in spanking. but i have spanked her because time outs, consequences don't seem to work. the spanking just makes her heart ache and she acts out/tests me more due to that. its a vicious cycle. i think she is going to grow up and hate me. she is now 6. this pains me. i love this girl yet i'm someone else when i'm angry. god i hope the dr. puts me on...something. i'm so scared this will hurt my son while nursing if i go on a mood stabilizer. so scared of not going on mood stabilizer. don't want to hurt ds in the long run w/ any med...yet don't want to hurt my dd anymore not being on them. please help. i need advice by my appt tomorrow. what are the ratings on depakote, lamictal...etc. and what if depakote makes me even FATTER. i remember it giving me cankles back in like '98. i don't remember it helping me. i took it briefly...
sigh. i'm freaking out. i need mood stability. stupid docs.:STUPID!!!!!! you can see that most have NO CLUE how to treat rapid cyclers/moody women. here take some lexapro. makes me apathetic. here, you are fine...go off and chase those dreams...yeah, you are ok...pfff. yeah right. don't they know anything. don't they know us mamas are terrified of losing our kids if we disclose it all. don't they know anything about BPD and how we feel better sitting in therapy and feel better about ourselves while in there?! crazy docs...they don't seem to know much. all i know is at this point i'm willing to go on a mood stabilizer but i don't want it to harm my son. i've read things about lexapro being bad for pregnancy and nursing babies but i've been on that w/ my dd and with my ds and there is no problems i can see. they are actually happy beautiful healthy babies!
sorry.rambling. just so upset and i'm at my wits end. seems there is a lack of help for moms like me...single, jobless (now), lacking help w/ the kids...not willing to be w/out my son while i work... i am just pretty much f*cked as it seems/feels. my last job allowed me to be w/ my ds/dd. now i feel so limited and pissed off about that fact. i don't even know if i will get unemployment. i'm sick and don't feel like checking my mail. uh oh my son is pulling out babywipes from the baby wipe thing. yikes! ah gotta love it though...
another thing i must add is that since my ds was born, i have become quite apathetic towards my dd whom i ADORE...disassociative/detachment disorder??? emotional numbing...its so weird. its just awful. well i must go for now. i look forward to hear from some of you soon.
I have always had racing thoughts, I just didn't know it. I thought is was normal.
I am fairly sure I am bipolar. I don't have an official diagnosis (I was diagnose as cycolthymic when I was 15 or 16) but it seems to fit. I am seeing a doctor on wednesday as I think I need treatment and I am terrified.
I hate the thought that I am bipolar because that would mean that all those times in between depressions when I loved everything about my life, was full of energy and just bursting with happiness weren't real. That I can't take an antidepressant and feel like that all the time. But another part of my brain is telling me that I don't always make the best decisions then, that I don't think things through. And I remember those times when my mind has been going so fast I can't breathe. Those were not fun.
Please tell me that medication can help. That it is worth it. The idea of being on medication scares me and when I am not in a depression I talk my self out of it - that I don't really need it. But I think my kids need me to take it. I get so angry sometimes. I just snap and freak out at them over nothing. I don't want them to be afraid of that. But I am also scared that the medication won't do anything. That I still won't be able to cope, to hold down a job, finish a course etc.
Would I be better weaning my ds2 if I go on medication? He is 20 months and only feeding once or twice a day so it wouldn't be a huge trauma. I would like to continue feeding him as I know I'd feel guilty for not feeding him as long as his sister (who was bf until she was 3.5).
This is turning into a total novel so I'll shut up now. But is it worth it?
oh you mamas are great. i must get little episodes of mini-mania...not huge manic episodes...or maybe i minimize them when they happen? and for some reason i get manic like when i'm in therapy or at a dr's talking about these issues...can we say BPD? (borderline personality disorder) i get comfty and like it there...i could stay all day. i just want concrete HELP and RELIEF!
anyway. went to my appt. w/ internal med dr and she is going to be calling me w/ what she thinks we will do med-wise. she is consulting w/ a psychiatrist and hopefully will decide to put me on something that will HELP. i'm so tired of being sick in the head. or at least it ruining so much of my life...
going to nap w/ my son until i pick up my dd...hey needless to say, my daughter goes to a WALDORF school and even though i just lost my job she can still go thru their all tuition assistance program. wow. its like a grant or a love scholarship! : we truly are blessed in so many ways...
ok. ds is falling apart. must go to nap. dr best call me TODAY. shouldn't take all day to figure this out... sigh. she is thinking depakote or lamictal.