Vaxing Vent

[636Jen]

A bit of background...

My sister got pregnant and called me with every question in the book: Should she eat shellfish, should she eat deli meat, she feels something *weird*...what could it be. Being an apprenticing midwife, I have a ton of information and tried to reassure her the best I could. She actually accused me of trying to "scare" her into having a homebirth. She went off her anxiety meds when she found out she was pregnant and is still off them. (My niece is 10 months old by the way.)

Anyway, she still continues to call me daily about all these concerns: Her baby is crying, what should she do? Her breasts are sore, does she have an infection. Her baby slept more than an hour, is she sick. I mean I could list 1000 things but you get the idea.

Today she called me and we talked about Vaxing. I did vax my kids until they were about 2. (Yes, I kick myself for that but I didn't know then what I know now.) She also had one of her many concerns...today it was about the fumes of a new mattress. She says, "Everyday I read about something, I wonder, 'How am I hurting my child today.'" She stresses over baby food, stresses over if she's giving her baby too many Cheerios.

I told her that I don't vax the kids anymore. In fact, when I made the appt. for my daughter's 6 year check up, the nurse told me to make sure my insurance covered shots. I told her that I'm not getting any. The nurse says, "You're not going to vaccinate for Hep A or chicken pox." Nope. So the conversation continues and my sister tells me, "I can't believe that you don't protect your kids against these deadly diseases." I came back with, "I can't believe you're worried about mattress fumes when you've vaccinated your kid with everything they offered. Do you even know what's in them?" She says, "You're making other kids sick by not vaxing yours." At this point, the water I was drinking just about came out of my nose from laughing so hard. I asked her just HOW not vaxing my kids hurts other kids. Her answer was, "Because if your kid gets sick with some weird virus, they'll pass it on." I asked her how that was possible if HER kid was vaxed. She said, "Well, vaccinations aren't 100% you know." I thanked her for proving my point for me.

So, I know I'm the "big sister" and I'm supposed to be sensitive to these issues....but if someone is not informed (and obviously stressed to the eyeballs about everything) how do you have a polite conversation when they are coming back at you with bad information. It's like she calls me with a question that she already knows the answer to just to argue. The holidays are coming up and I'm supposed to see her in a couple weeks. I'm not sure I want to be around someone who thinks I harm my kids. How do you all get around this?

I would really appreciate any help with this. TIA!

[zinemama]

It sounds to me like this is a whole lot less about parenting issues and a whole lot more about your relationship as sisters. Maybe the two of you need to have a talk about that, and decide that her calling you about every little thing isn't the healthiest, that you'd prefer not to argue with her and that the topic of parenting needs to be shelved.

[Ruthla]

I think I'd send her a bunch of links about vaccines- not necessarily to change her mind but to convince her that your decisions are legitimate. What I'd say is that you don't want to argue about this until she's better informed about the issue. Until then, you want to agree to disagree and discuss other things instead.

[ema-adama]

I would have to agree with pp about this sounding like the relationship with your sister has some complicated dynamics. I agree that a topic such as vaccination would probably best be left off the discussion table, and probably parenting practices in general.

Having said that I totally share your frutration at having to deal with someone who is worrying about many child health and safety issues and also thinks that vaccines are the responsible way to go. Matress fumes vs vaccine ingredients? Hmmmm.

My position is slightly different as it is my IL's who have all sorts of whacky ideas like vaccinating and CIO. But we have gotten to the point where parenting choices are just not up for discussion. They do not want to change thier opinions and I am not likely to change mine, so best to leave each other alone.

it doesn't sound easy

[636Jen]

Originally Posted by ema-adama

My position is slightly different as it is my IL's who have all sorts of whacky ideas like vaccinating and CIO. But we have gotten to the point where parenting choices are just not up for discussion. They do not want to change thier opinions and I am not likely to change mine, so best to leave each other alone.

it doesn't sound easy

She's from the CIO camp as well. So how did you overcome this. Did you just avoid the phone calls (honestly, she calls me daily about other "findings") or instantly change the subject? I really want to tell her: When you've done the research, come to me with an intelligent conversation.

Anyway, thanks for your responses. As kids we couldn't be in the same room together because of how much we fought. When I had my kids, we were best friends somehow. Now that she has her own baby, it seems that we are headed back to not being able to talk. Weird how that all happens.


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[spero]

It sounds as though her anxiety disorder needs attention.

[ema-adama]

After I was told I am not intelligent enough to decide whether to vaccinate my son or not and that my son is manipulating me when he cries, I stopped going to family meals for a while until DH was on the same page as me (this is his father and step mother after all). Now, after some couples counselling, DH is 100% with me on setting the boundaries and we just stear the conversation away from anything child rearing or health related (which leaves DH's job, politics, movies, books - anything *not* personal). It makes the relationship rather superficial with that side of the family, but it's the peaceful way to do it. I also had to learn that I cannot change their opinion, and I don't have any business doing that anyway. Mutual opinion respecting needs to happen (however informed or uninformed that opnion may be)

Again, . It sounds really tough

[T&D2005]

I know you mean well but there are just SOME people who will believe anything that didn't come from you. You can try and bring her to the other side but I can already see the type of person she is. If her kid gets a fever or runny nose or cough, she's going to blame you thinking she caught some deadly disease and she should have vaccinated. Some people won't be strong (mentally) enough to handle the disease naturally. Even if she didn't vax, I can see her freaking out, bringing her kid in for antibiotics and then getting up to date on all the vaccines she missed because of fear.

[T&D2005]

Originally Posted by spero

It sounds as though her anxiety disorder needs attention.

I also agree with this. I think there might be something more in her disorder too.

[MsLondon]

Well having a first baby is one of the most anxious time of a womans life I think, never mind that she has an anxiety disorder to begin with. Generally speaking, I think we become less anxious about things as time goes on, when i think back not too long ago to some of the things I uses to stress over - wow!
Anyway, isnt it funny how just because we were brought up the same way by the same people, our own parenting ideas and beliefs can be so radically different from our siblings?
Maybe you could agree to disagree on certain things and suggest to her that if she researched things herself she may feel more in control and at ease, and how you would feel better conversing with her on the subject, as she would be coming from an educated standpoint. Also this is a polite way of telling her to stop bugging you!
Good luck!

[Scattershoot]

I imagine you love your sister and she loves you as well, so I would always keep that in mind. You don't want to lose that relationship. We can all be pigheaded about things.

You could drop the vaccine subject altogether, but the odds are that since she is in the majority (believes in vaxing) she will have her cup of belief filled up constantly by the mass media and her trusted doctors. With all this behind her, it will probably be hard for her not to make comments about vaxing. You'll have to bite your tongue a lot.

Or you could make her a deal. Give her Dr. Mendelsohn's book How To Raise a Healthy Child In Spite of Your Doctor and ask her to read it, and in exchange you will read a book she recommends. Then you can agree to talk about them when you are done. She can find any pro-vax book she wants and the odds are it won't have anything you haven't already heard about vaccines, but she will get to hear an alternative view. She'll have to open her mind while all you read is "blah, blah, blah." You'll be bored out of your mind reading it, but it will be for the sister you love, and the nephews and nieces you will love deeply.

The book is written by an allopathic doctor, so she can't really argue against it.

[636Jen]

In the past I have given her links and copy/pasted articles. I would call her hours later to see if she had read them and she would say, "I can't read any of that stuff you sent. It just stresses me out more. I'm just going to do what my doctor said to do." So, I have tried to educate her in that way. Bying her a book would be a waste of money if she won't even look at a Le Leche League page or an Attachment Parenting link.

Example: Her baby is crying and unable to be consoled. I suggested co-sleeping. She was outraged and said, "I would never do that. That's one habit I don't want to have to break. She needs to learn to self-soothe." In short, everything has to be planned, scheduled (naps, feedings, etc) and catagorized. She says my life is chaotic but I see it the other way around. I think having such a tight schedule with a teething 10 month old would make me insane!

After reading all the responses, I think I'll give this a cool down phase. Perhaps she and I need to just have that superficial kind of relationship that a PP posted about. I know she won't go back on her meds because she just mentioned that she's going to try for baby #2 this winter. It's unfortunate because she really does need them. (She won't go back on her Wellbutrin but she'll vax her kids?)

If she's so anti-AP, why does she come to me for advice? That's like me going to a hunting website for PETA information. Maybe I should just tell her that we can talk...as long as it's not about parenting styles, healthy issues or anything other than "how are you, how are the kids?"

I really appreciate the responses. It helped clear my head a bit and it's always nice to be surrounded by like minded people.