I was so happy to see this thread. I have been suffering from mental illnesses such as sever mood swings and very severe depression since I was about 13. I became pregnant with my first child, DD, when I was only 16 and gave birth when I was 17. I did it all for the wrong reasons- to escape an abusive house hold. I married my DDs father, he joined the army and we moved to Cali, all the way from Georgia before I was even old enough to drive. I was all alone with a 1 year old baby, thousands of miles away from my family and home. The marrige didnt work, so we seperated. All before I was 20.
I moved home, tried to pull everything together for myself and DD. I soon started dating an old flame from high school and was beyond happy. I became pregnant ( thanks alot failed birth control! ) and was scared to death. I had suffered with so many issues my entier life. I didnt even feel ready for the child I had, much less another one. I was going to have the pregnany terminated, and then my 'old falme' turned on me. After both deciding together a few days ago and having a very stern talk about how we wasnt ready for this, he decided that if i didnt have his baby, he didnt want anything to do with me. I didnt want to put DD through losing another father figure, ( her dad doesnt have much to do with her ) so against my hearts advice, I had another child.
All of my anxiety and mental issues sky rocketed. My OCD became extreme, my anger was terrible, i cried almost constantly and I felt...I feel horribly trapped. With all of that and other childhood issues, I now have more than my 'fair share' of mental issues.
Somedays I just dont feel like I can do it.
DD actually went to live with her GPs for 2 years after DS was born, because I simply couldnt tolerate 2 children. Not to mention DD herself has ADHD, AS, SPD and OCD- and shes 6. I think I should have never had children. It was an unfair deal to them. Now i watch my 6 year old suffer with OCD and know that it has alot to do with me.
DD lives with us now, but since then DH lost his job, I had VERY severe MRSA 2 times and we're at risk of losing our home if he doesnt find a job soon. I dont think I can deal with it.
I am planning on going to the doctor soon to get some help and in the mean time, the kids stay with GM when ever possible. But i still feel like it isnt enough. Sometimes, I lock myself in the bathroom and cry when they come home. I love them more then lifes itself, they are my heart and and soul. But I know that I wasnt ready, and right now, i dont feel fit for being a mother. I feel like im a bad example. Every other weekend at GMs simply isnt enough- and thinking/feeling this causes me unbelievable amounts of guilt...because I feel like a 'good mother' would never think that about her children. A 'good mother' would never admit that having kids wasnt the right thing to do, and turned her life upside down.
I feel very very torn and confused. I know that having children wasnt the right thing to do and I could use a major break to get well. I know that Im not the mother I should be while Im this sick. But, If i leave..i dont know where i should go and if i even COULD leave- I love my childen and DH far to much for that...but how will i heal?
I hope that when i get help for my anxiety, and everything else ( including BPD) that things will be easier. Right now, I cringe when I hear DDs bus pull up and DH has been doing most of the care taking for DS. Nothing else that Ive tried so far has worked: I meditate, I take kid-free breaks often, I try to talk to others about how I feel whenever possible....its just not helping me heal.
God- I hope that the doctor doesnt suggest leaving my children. Therapist/Psycologist cant do that...can they?
Anyways- sorry for the long sappy story. I just feel pissed/hurt tonight.
Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I will try to apply them to my life as well.