Food allergies and birthday cupcakes at preschool

[Katielady]

My 2.5-year-old son is allergic to dairy, soy, and bananas. He has what the allergist calls a "non-true" allergy or intolerance- he gets nasty gastro effects and diaper rash but no hives or breathing problems.

This year he started in a twos program two days a week at a co-op preschool (and he loves it!) They have really healthy snacks there, which I love- only water, no juice, and they get a "dry snack" like pita chips plus a fruit or vegetable provided by the snack parent of the day. The daily snack has been sorted out despite some initial confusion- the only thing we deal with now is that despite notices having been sent out, parents will still sometimes bring bananas for the fruit snack. DS gets raisins instead and is fine with that.

But today, there was a bit of a tense situation. R's mom was talking with the teacher when I got there and the two of them called me over. It's R's birthday tomorrow and her mom wants to bring in "something," ie cupcakes or whatever, but wanted it to be store-bought because she has a board meeting tonight and doesn't have time to cook.

At first the teacher and I were suggesting the baking mixes you can buy that are dairy and soy free but she got all pissy and reiterated she didn't have time to bake something. The teacher asked if I had something on hand I could bring in and I said I don't. I said if I'd had more notice I might have been able to bake something, but that I didn't have time tonight. I felt badly but also felt I need to say no...I am 38 weeks pregnant and getting over bronchitis. And even in general, I think I shouldn't have to bake something every time it's another kid's birthday so that they can have the convenience of buying something ready-made. I am willing to make some accomodations since it's my kid that has the allergies but I think that's too much.

And personally I'm surprised they even do birthday cupcakes etc. with all the food allergies being so prevalent these days. The kids are too little to even fully understand what a birthday is, let alone expect a certain food at that time. I don't see why they can't just have whatever they normally have and sing Happy Birthday. To me, it's more important to protect everyone's health and make sure no one feels left out. But I guess that's the perspective of someone with an allergic child- maybe I'd feel differently if my kid could eat everything.

Anyway, for now R's mom reluctantly agreed to get the allergen-free baking mix from the store. But I'll have to talk to the teacher and come up with some kind of long-term plan for the year. Any ideas on how to handle this? My only thought is that I could make some cupcakes and freeze them, and have the teacher tell the parents that they need to give her a heads' up about upcoming bdays so I know to bring in the frozen cupcake for DS.

It's hard because I want him to learn to live with his food allergies, but at the same time I think he's too little to cope with everyone having yummy frosted cupcakes and he has a lame cookie from a box or something.

[momma_c]

oh momma! this is what i dread with my son, however we are using a preschool for my daughter now that is very against cupcakes, candy, etc. and very pro allergen educated(is that such a thing?). they seem pretty well educated on the subject of allergens.
thankfully they dont celebrate birthdays with cupcakes, they do creative things like songs and celebrating the day without focusing on sweets. my daughter does not have allergies but i do worry about possible issues that may arise with my son when he is of age to attend preschool, or worse yet elementary.
anyways, that isnt really helping you.. /rant.
i think your idea of freezing the cupcakes is a pretty good one. it might be what i would end up doing in the future, i have a serious trust issue with other people and food vs. my child but we have ana reactions to our allergens. anyways, i cant think of a better idea than yours with freezing them, it would be nice if the other parents had a bit of consideration considering he is only 2, its not like he can really fend for himself and it is not really fair. oh such a sad situation our kiddos are in!

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by momma_c

oh momma! this is what i dread with my son, however we are using a preschool for my daughter now that is very against cupcakes, candy, etc. and very pro allergen educated(is that such a thing?). they seem pretty well educated on the subject of allergens.
thankfully they dont celebrate birthdays with cupcakes, they do creative things like songs and celebrating the day without focusing on sweets. my daughter does not have allergies but i do worry about possible issues that may arise with my son when he is of age to attend preschool, or worse yet elementary.
anyways, that isnt really helping you.. /rant.
i think your idea of freezing the cupcakes is a pretty good one. it might be what i would end up doing in the future, i have a serious trust issue with other people and food vs. my child but we have ana reactions to our allergens. anyways, i cant think of a better idea than yours with freezing them, it would be nice if the other parents had a bit of consideration considering he is only 2, its not like he can really fend for himself and it is not really fair. oh such a sad situation our kiddos are in!

Thanks for the sympathy! It's making me start to cry. It really is a sad situation. I mean it's not the worst health problem a person could have, but food is so tied in with culture and celebrations and life...it's not just about nutrients and digestion, you know? I hate that he can't just eat whatever everyone else is having. I don't want him to feel like he's being singled out all the time.

The mom's reaction made me really upset. She was only concerned with her own convenience, and her rigid idea that one can't celebrate a birthday without cupcakes. I'm like, isn't it more important that celebrating your daughter's birthday doesn't make my son cry? He gets so confused when he sees people eating stuff he's not allowed to have- especially if it's something he knows is yummy.

I had a talk about it with my mom, who is a school nurse at an elementary school and has dealt with this a LOT, obviously. She says the separate food thing really doesn't work- for one thing, it's too easy for the kid to get his hands on the allergen, and for another, it's too upsetting even for older kids to have to have something separate from their peers when it's part of a celebration. She recommends working with the teachers to get the word out to parents about what is and isn't OK, and sending out more information including lists of suggestions for celebrations.

Your school sounds great- I wish mine had that attitude. I went to Montessori for elementary school and we never had cake for birthdays- just songs and other fun stuff as you described. To me that's much better anyway. But I think I can work with the teachers and figure out a plan. It *is* different for us since DS doesn't have ana reactions, though. I'm honestly not sure what I would do in that case. I think banning birthday treats altogether would probably be safest...I wouldn't trust parents who aren't experienced with this stuff to read labels properly.

Anyway, thanks.

[Masel]

Do they have a freezer at the school? I bring in a container of safe cupcakes and leave it in their freezer. It is marked with my DD's name.

Is there a safe commercial thing your DC likes? I can tell my family and the daycare folks that Chocolate Teddy Grahams are okay for DD. (She has milk & egg allergies, not soy and I'm sorry I can't remember if this has soy.) They keep well and it isn't like she has them very often.

[Chinese Pistache]

It is frustrating that others don't understand how serious these problems can be. However, it's for that very reason I wouldn't want some other parent providing my kids' snacks.

I don't think you should expect others to accomodate, especially for multi-ingredient foods like baked goods. Just make a bunch of safe cupcakes and keep them in school or ask for a birthday calendar so you can't bring in a cupcake when it's time.

Really, I've had too many people try to be helpful. Family and friends have gone to health food stores or prepared special food because they really, really wanted to give my dd something fun she could eat, but they still got it wrong. It's bound to be a lot worse when you're dealing with school parents who don't really care about your child. Sad, but true.

Even still, I'm sorry Allergies/intolerances are tough all around.

[runes]

If I had a child with food allergies, I would definitely keep a stash of "safe" fun foods, like cupcakes or cookies at school so that my child could participate in a celebration. I wouldn't trust another parent to have the awareness to really look at labels and be careful about cross contamination or hidden ingredients.

That said, it sounds like the school might need to institute some type of blanket policy about treats in general. Honestly, even without any allergy issues in our family, I would be really concerned about my child being offered those types of sugary/artificial flavor and color-laden treats on a fairly regular basis. Our DD is dealing with some fairly significant dental decay that we are addressing nutritionally, so I can definitely relate in terms of monitoring what goes in her mouth.

There are so many ways to celebrate a birthday without the seemingly requisite junk food. Since this school is already on a great path in terms of healthy snacks, perhaps they can continue on with that and create a plan for celebratory treats? This will make it easier on everyone, especially you, since at the present time they are deeming it appropriate to put the the burden on you as the mom of the allergic child, which is certainly unfair.

[Mrsboyko]

We have been doing the separate but equal thing for a while now. DD always has her own snack at snack time and 75% of the time she can not eat what they provide for lunches so I bring that for her too. Birthdays we have a stash of fruit squished things (organic fruit "roll-up" type?). It is her favorite snack and she only gets it on special occasions, so she doesn't seem to mind not having a cup cake yet.

I do see the other parents issue since most of the kids would be fine with store bought and she is short on time. IMO it really is up to you to bring an alternative for your son, not her to provide for him. Making her buy a special mix and baking when she clearly didn't want to is kinda rude. Sorry if that sounds crass, but it is the truth. At our DC due to DD's allergies they have actually made a rule that nothing home baked can come in since it doesn't come with an ingredient list on it. I am sure that irked a few parents, but at least it is less work for them than if it were the other way around.

We are trying very hard to get DD to understand that she can not have certain foods because they will make her sick. She is just turning 2 soon, but I do think she is getting the idea. I can now eat a piece of cheese in front of her and not have her melt down, once I explain it to her that is. She knows that her milk is not the same as Daddy's and that she is not allowed to have his. Same goes for any snacks. She may really want one of daddy's cheetos, but that is just not going to happen. It isn't a situation that will only happen in DC. Educating them is key in compliance. Give him the power to understand his situation.

[kjbrown92]

My DD is 3.5yo. Last year she was in a 2 year old program 2 afternoons a week. This year she is in a 3 year old program 2 mornings a week (different school). At both of them, she brings her own snack every day. I check the calendar to see what the snack is, and if some (or all) is safe for her, I write a note on the sign-in that says what she can have or if she can only eat her snack. She has "happy" food. If it's not happy food. It's not good. Period. She understood that last year and this year. We went to a family birthday party on Sunday (this is FAMILY, mind you) and I had to bring all safe food for my kids, and a cupcake for each of them so they wouldn't feel left out. I make a batch and freeze them. If you want to do frosting on that day, go for it (I just leave the frosting off it). It IS too much to ask to make everything safe for your child, unfortunately. There are all sorts of special ingredients. And at some point, unfortunately, your child is going to have to learn that not all food is safe for him. He has to ask before having any food. And not accept food from strangers. Last year, for some holiday, maybe it was Halloween, everybody brought in little treat bags and DD couldn't have any of it. I was blindsided because I didn't think all these 2 year olds needed CANDY so I just didn't see it coming. And she cried. And when we got home I gave her one of her safe lollipops. It made the other parents think about what they brought in after that though. This year at Halloween, the kids searched in the hay for candy and toys. DD tossed the candy back or gave it to another child. The teachers made sure she got enough toys in her bag since she couldn't have the candy, and I stuck a safe lollipop in her bag for later. If parents were nice enough to ask, I would point them to my blog for recipes (but again, there are lots of special ingredients). It would be nice if everyone were accomodating and wanted to ensure your child's health and happiness. Unfortunately, I just don't see it happening.

[k9sarchik]

I totally know the cupcake scenario. My sister and I grew up not being able to eat cupcakes because they had eggs in them. And every month or so in school someone had a birthday and we couldn't eat the cupcakes. We had nothing on most occasions. Back in the 70's there was no option.
So to this day my sister admits that she is still traumatized.

I agree at 2.5 years old he just won't understand. When he's older and he really understands how lousy he'll feel then he'll avoid.

I think that's a good idea to have some on hand for the future. It just won't be avoidable.

I hope that it can work out for you. I will be in the same boat here in the next few years with my kiddo.

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by Mrsboyko

I do see the other parents issue since most of the kids would be fine with store bought and she is short on time. IMO it really is up to you to bring an alternative for your son, not her to provide for him. Making her buy a special mix and baking when she clearly didn't want to is kinda rude. Sorry if that sounds crass, but it is the truth. At our DC due to DD's allergies they have actually made a rule that nothing home baked can come in since it doesn't come with an ingredient list on it. I am sure that irked a few parents, but at least it is less work for them than if it were the other way around.

Actually, I feel like she was the one trying to force *me* to bake something. I forgot to mention in my OP, but I did make some suggestions for other items she could bring in that don't require any cooking, like packets of raisins or a special kind of fruit. She just wrinkled her nose- she was insisting on cupcakes. It was her choice to make cupcakes for her child's birthday- she could have brought nothing, or some alternative non-baked treat, or even a non-food treat like stickers. Whereas my son has no choice about what is safe for him to eat. And I had no notice that this was going to happen and so no chance to prepare an alternative- which is actually more the school's fault than the parent's.

Anyway, as far as what to do long-term, I am very torn. Y'all have brought up a lot of good points. Personally, I'd like the school to just make a blanket rule that there should be no home-baked goods brought to the classroom- that's the simplest thing, and prevents inevitable mistakes. We could come up with some other way to celebrate birthdays, such as the sticker idea or little dixie cups with raisins and cranberries or something like that.

We are definitely working hard to educate him about his allergies. But it will take time. He knows that we all drink different milk at home (he gets rice, I get cow, and daddy gets soy!). He's learning that he can't eat certain things because they have cowmilk, etc. But I think at two, it's too much to ask of him to have a separate treat for celebrations. I'm willing to do it if that's the culture at the school and I can't get the teachers to go along with a different plan. But I don't think it's right. And maybe I'd feel more comfortable next year at a place where they don't even have sweets as part of the class- as an OP brought up, I'm actually not that psyched about that aspect of it either. My son has really healthy eating habits- why not use school as a chance to teach kids to get excited about healthy food, instead of reinforcing the idea that you need a ball of sugar every time there's a special occasion?

I'll have to think about it some more. I'm super emotional right now and not in the best frame of mind to have rational discussions about difficult topics. Mayeb I should hold off on talking to his teachers until the new baby is born...I could check the calendar and make sure no birthdays are coming up, and put it off a bit.

Thanks all for the advice though. It's so interesting that most of you bring separate stuff...my mom's school must be unusual in that they ask parents who wish to bring in treats to make sure to accomodate all allergies. They have a huge education program about food allergies with the kids, too.

[Chinese Pistache]

Originally Posted by Katielady

Thanks all for the advice though. It's so interesting that most of you bring separate stuff...my mom's school must be unusual in that they ask parents who wish to bring in treats to make sure to accomodate all allergies. They have a huge education program about food allergies with the kids, too.

Well, my ds is allergic to dairy, wheat, eggs and soy. My dd is allergic to corn, dairy, soy, and strawberries. Because they are so young and I don't want them to develop new allergies, we also avoid nuts and the other big allergens. Between the two of them, there is nothing a normal person could bake or buy that would accomodate both (I'm talking baked goods). The stuff I make them is with pricey rice flour, tapioca starch, arrowroot powder, potato starch, etc. And it's my own flour mixture because premade ones contain one or more of our allergens. It's just a reality. And no school policy is going to make your child safe as long as they're bringing in things with multiple ingredients. If they'd move away from food entirely, it would be nice, but I bet a lot of parents would resist. Not to depress you, just to prepare you. There are lots of good food ideas in the recipe sticky up above

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by Chinese Pistache

Well, my ds is allergic to dairy, wheat, eggs and soy. My dd is allergic to corn, dairy, soy, and strawberries. Because they are so young and I don't want them to develop new allergies, we also avoid nuts and the other big allergens. Between the two of them, there is nothing a normal person could bake or buy that would accomodate both (I'm talking baked goods). The stuff I make them is with pricey rice flour, tapioca starch, arrowroot powder, potato starch, etc. And it's my own flour mixture because premade ones contain one or more of our allergens. It's just a reality. And no school policy is going to make your child safe as long as they're bringing in things with multiple ingredients. If they'd move away from food entirely, it would be nice, but I bet a lot of parents would resist. Not to depress you, just to prepare you. There are lots of good food ideas in the recipe sticky up above

Sigh. That sounds very logical. It makes me wonder how the heck it can really work at my mom's school, especially when it comes to kids with life-threatening allergies.

Well, whatever I come up with for this year doesn't need to hold true forever. I feel like even in six months to a year, he'll be better able to handle things like everyone in the class having cupcakes and him having a separate treat. I just need to come up with something for the rest of this year. Maybe the teachers can help.

[kjbrown92]

At elementary school, DS also has a "snack stash" for parties and such, with safe foods. I send in something for each of the holiday parties so that I know there is at least one safe thing for him to eat. He's 8yo and knows his safe and unsafe foods. If there is ever a question, the teacher calls me. It's difficult, but unfortunately he is going to have to learn that the food everywhere isn't going to necessarily be safe for him. And hopefully, he'll outgrow the intolerances, and won't have to deal with it anymore. This is a tough time, near the end of your pregnancy when you just want to be able to take it easy, and it's not an easy subject, no matter what. That's for sure.