Anders Birth - need some support

[snowgirl]

I am having a hard time with Anders birth and could use some support. DD's birth was great, water birth, 6 hours, very manageable. Her afterbirth was rough and I had a d&c due to placenta accreta. I believe in natural birthing, low intervention, etc. But, that all went out the window with Anders. Here are some details, although I lost track of times, etc. So, I will do my best.

Sunday morning, had a major break down, crying and so tired of being pg. That night at 7:15pm, I was nursing DD when my water broke. Just a trickle, no gush. We quickly went to the hospital as I was expected to go fast(5cm, 80+% effaced). By 9pm(ish) no gush happened. I ended up having my membranes broken as I felt so tired already and didn't want to have a super long labor and fear of other interventions if I didn't deliver in 24 hours. So, I felt that it wasn't that bad to have them fully broken since they already started. I got into the tub and worked through the contractions. I was planning a water birth. I got to transition and was in such pain, I can not even describe it. I was screaming, yelling...I never did that with DD's birth. I kept reaching up my vagina and couldn't feel the head. I couldn't relax enough to let Anders come down. I started asking for drugs. DH couldn't believe I what I was saying. My dr. was really waiting to do anything as she knows my feelings about drugs and birth. She quickly did an u/s and found out that Anders was posterior. I ended up getting an epidural at 9cm. I felt like such a failure and was crying to DH that this is not what I wanted, but the pain was unbearable. And I couldn't relax my pelvic enough for him to drop down further. Once that was in place, literally in minutes I was at 10cm and Anders dropped to +2 station. I started pushing and got him out at 1:57am. I cried so much, I was so happy he was in my arms and that labor was over with. My dr. kept saying, think of the epi as a strategy to get him out and that I am not a failure.

Soon after Anders birth, I started to hemorrhage and my placenta was not coming out. My Dr. said, thank god you have an epi b/c this would be so painful and would be hard to put in an epi at this point. I didn't want to hold Anders anymore and started feeling like I was going to pass out. My eyes were rolling around, I couldn't breathe. My blood pressure went somewhere around 60/40, very scary. I felt that if I went to sleep or kept my eyes closed, I was going to die. I kept thinking I can not die, I just gave birth to a son, I can't leave him, DD, and DH. Luckily, my mom and my friend who is a post partum nurse were there. DH held DS, my mom took DD out of the room so she couldn't see the blood bath and her mommy completely lifeless on the bed. My friend is a LLL leader as well and she was putting my nipple into DS mouth to nurse b/c his blood sugar was low. She held my hand and kept talking to me making sure I was still "there". DH looked so worried. I was like a pin cushion. They put another IV in my other arm and put in at least 6 bags of fluid in me. They were drawing blood as well. I think there were about 7 dr's, nurses, there all trying to "save" me. After 3 hours, I stablized. I had major shakes and my blood pressure started to come back up.

My Dr. reassured me about my decision for epi and to help me realize it was the right choice.(My dr's practice is very low intervention, all of the drs and the cmn have all had drug free births. Just to give some perspective) I said I was fine, but now, I am feeling like, "dang Julie, you couldn't hold it together for 1 more cm". I keep going back and forth about it and trying to let it go. The whole experience was traumatic and not what I wanted. I knew that I may have a placenta problem again, so I can deal with that. I am just so bummed I didn't have a water birth and had an epidural. I am trying very hard to learn from the experience and now I have perspective from drug and drug free birth.
Any words of wisdom out there to help me?

[mochimama]

Julie, Huge s
My first birth was not at all what I wanted either, and I think that the best healing agent was time. I know that doesn't help much right now. For right now, know that you did the best you could--the absolute best. Anders and your dd are so lucky to have such a conscientious mama as yourself.
Hang in there. Also, do you have your placenta? Eat some if you can!

[rebeccamae]

I had a disappointing first birth as well. It does get better over time.

I wanted to tell you the story of a friend of mine who gave birth about 3 months ago to give you some perspective... She had a home birth, but had a retained placenta and hemorrhaging. The midwife had to reach up inside her uterus to get out the placenta, but with no pain meds, so it took 3 people holding her down while she screamed to get through it. So given the option, I would say you were lucky (although that doesn't seem like the right word) to have had the epidural in that circumstance even though it's not what you ideally would've wanted.

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive... if it does it's because I'm trying to keep it short...

*hugs*

[Haselnuss]

I'm sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted.
Still, a posterior baby really is a whole other story - it can make birth much more painful than with a well-positioned baby. My first was posterior, and if an epi had been available to me in transition, I would have gotten one. Don't beat yourself up... remember, by not getting the epi earlier, you may have saved yourself from a stalled labor.

EDIT: Ooops, sorry for DDC crashing - I'm not due until early Dec.

[PookieMom]

You did exactly what your body needed. It sounds to me like you knew something wasn't right, especially compared to the first birth and you made a decision, the very best decision Please don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you had great support all around and did what was best for you and baby. Congratulations on Baby Anders too!

[snowgirl]

Originally Posted by mochimama

Also, do you have your placenta? Eat some if you can!

Yes, it is encapsulated and I started taking it today.

Originally Posted by rebeccamae

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive... if it does it's because I'm trying to keep it short...

Not insensitive at all. I think about "what if" I had a homebirth. I mourned that loss early in pg b/c I knew I wanted to be in a hospital just in case I had a placenta problem again. And I am glad I was. Modern medicine is a good thing and has it place.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it.

[jeliphish]

I would say thank god you had that epi because if you hadn't I would think that you would have gone through some major trauma. I have a co-worker who had 2 natural births. During the second, she hemorraged and like another poster said, it took several people to hold her down while the dr's had their hands inside of her. She feels like she has had PTSD since then and is still too terrified to go through with another pregnancy. I believe your body knew what it needed (was going to need). OBVIOUSLY you can do it without drugs as you did with your first- so what's the point in beating youself up? Think of what could have happened in this situation if you didn't have the epi....

Sorry to crash your DDC, but I am so happy that things turned out ok- there are so many who did not fair so well after a situation like this.

[Baby_Cakes]

You didn't fail or do anything wrong by having the epidural. Posterior babes are PAINFUL. It feels abnormal, it feels wrong, and for you to do what you needed to do to birth your baby was 100% the right thing to do. Don't be ashamed of it. I agree wholeheartedly with Haselnuss -- if an epi had been available to me during transition, I would have done it as well.

I'm so sorry for the trauma you experienced after his birth, but you did good. You are here for him, you are his mama, and he loves you no matter what.

[AugustineM]

It's so hard when your birth turns out in a way you didn't expect or want. Both of my first births ended in cesareans. It was very difficult for me. My first I labored easily to 10cm and then my mw discovered ds was a footling breech, so I was rushed by ambulance to have an emergency cesarean. That was a huge thing to recover from. My second was an attempted vbac that turned induction that turned cesarean. VERY, VERY difficult to recover from and I couldn't get the what-if's out of my head for years. Still can't!!

The only thing that helped me was being able to talk about it a lot, write about it, and cry about it. Then, good old time passing. It was most painful for me for the first 3-4 months, then after that I stopped obsessing and started not crying about it when I talked about it. It's too bad there isn't an organization like ICAN for you. Because ICAN helped me a lot. Maybe you can join a site about recovering from birth trauma? I know there is a forum here for that... it might help you out to connect with some other women and know you aren't alone in your experience and feelings.

Birth is profound and an extremely important event for so many of us. Your feelings are incredibly valid, but they can be worked through and honored.

[Katielady]

It sounds to me like you did everything exactly right.

There are many different kinds of strength. One of them is having the wisdom to ask for help when you need it. You are one strong mama, and you birthed your baby beautifully.

[punkrawkmama27]

I am sorry your birth didnt turn out how you wanted it to, but from reading your post I think you did what you needed to do, and there is nothing wrong with that. I dont know what I would do if I ever went through something like that. I dont know if I would have handled it as well as you did.

[MamasBoys]

I am a huge natural birth advocate all the way and can not even dream of having another medicated birth (#1 and #2 were medicated.) However, I learned something truly profound in my doula training. #1: Birth is not about suffering. If a woman is truly suffering, medication is important and necessary. #2 Posterior births are by far, the most excruciating. I'm so sorry your birth didn't turn out the way you had hoped. It just goes to show that birth, like mothering, is always unpredictable and we can only roll with the punches.

[coyotemist]

You made the right decisions under the circumstances. I too am grieving some of my experience this time. I know what you are feeling in many ways. It's tough.

My first was posterior, and it was the worst feeling.

Do consider seeing a counselor just so that you can talk through your feelings as much as you need.

[BundleFishMama]

ITA with everyone else has said - you didn't do anything wrong, you did what you had to do and you survived a very unexpected and traumatic situation! You are a great mama!!

Also, I don't know if this makes any difference to you at all, but didn't you mention having Graves' Disease once before, and we talked about how I do too? (I hope I'm remembering the right mama here - pregnancy brain and all!) Because I've been told by my specialists that Graves' causes a higher risk of placental abnormalities/placental problems in pregnancy. So if it helps at all, think of it that way - you have a medical condition that made your situation not the norm, so you did what you had to do.

Hope you feel better about all this soon!

[snowgirl]

Originally Posted by BundleFishMama

Also, I don't know if this makes any difference to you at all, but didn't you mention having Graves' Disease once before, and we talked about how I do too?

Yes BundleFishMama, I have Graves' Disease. I am going to ask my Dr. about this when I see her next week.


Thanks everyone. I am feeling much better about it from all of your replies. I have to remember too that he was a 10lb posterior baby. No small baby.

[TefferTWH]

Very scary, and I'm glad that all are ok.

I think birth is what it is. It was a Godsend that you were in the hospital, and for me, my labor kepts stalling out and I needed to be augmented because I was too tired to go on. Everyone was worried that I'd be upset to need help, but in the end, I was glad to have what I needed to have mostly the birth I dreamed of. And, of course, there's the baby! I know that we mourn what we could have with our births, but it's the nature of motherhood to do what's necessary for our children, and I think you did that for Anders. That's beautiful.

BTW, Anders and Nora were born the same day! It was a great day to be born!

[BundleFishMama]

Originally Posted by snowgirl

Yes BundleFishMama, I have Graves' Disease. I am going to ask my Dr. about this when I see her next week.

You can mention to her that Dr. Susan Mandel at U Penn has researched the link between Graves' and placental abnormalities. She's one of the top endocrinologists in the world, and specializes in thyroid disease during the childbearing years - I'm sure your endo will recognize the name. I'm very lucky to get to see her (the waiting list is like 9 months long for new patients who want to be seen by her!)

You definitely had several different circumstances going on that took your birth outside the norm, so your birth plans had to change, too. You did great though!!!