Help me help my son

[kkeake]

My son is in kindergarten, and we just discovered he's failing miserably. I mistakenly thought that no news is good news, and then we went to the parent/teacher conference and were informed that the teacher was "shocked" at how little he was learning and that he was a constant challenge in terms of his behavior and inability to pay attention. He is silly all the time, can't stay on task, talks excessively. We are currently having him evaluated for ADHD, but I can't get an appt. with a pediatrician for another month. He says he likes school, but that the teacher talks too fast and the other kids work too fast. He has speech problems - his articulation and intelligibility is in the 16th percentile, but to qualify for services in the school, he would have to be in the 7th percentile. WTH?!?

Nearly every day when I pick him up the recess aide who helps the kids line up to be picked up by their parents or the bus will say to Eyob, "Tell your mom what happened today" or something along those lines. Then he'll have to endure the humiliation of reciting whatever horrible thing he did that day in front of all the other kids and their parents. Usually he just mumbles that he'll tell me in the car. I don't know how to handle this. I find myself wanting to punch the aide in the face.

I'm thinking maybe we need a one-on-one with the teacher, aide, and maybe someone else, but I'm new to this and don't know how to handle it. I know my son is a challenge - he exhausts me and my husband at home - but he's a beautiful child in so many ways and I don't want him to start internalizing that he is the "bad kid." I think that's already happening to a certain extent.

Please help me help my son.

Amanda

[eepster]

I'm shocked that they held off discussing these issues till November, if they had made you aware that there were problems you could have started seeking solutions before the problems had become habits. I would definitely ask for a longer meeting (I assume that the P/T confrence was only about 20 minutes like at DS's school.) At the meeting I would ask that when you DS has done something that you should be aware of the teacher or aide should write a note explaining the issue, and not ask you DS to tell you about it.

Were you looking into the possibilty of ADHD before the confrence? Are there behaviors at home that make you think ADHD?

The speech issues combined with "the teacher talks too fast" would make me wonder about an auditory issue.

[williamsmommy2002]

I would wonder if he had an auditory issue. My ds is no longer language delayed on their charts but he still is. He is in a special education class because he needs more one on one help and a teacher who can teach him with his learning challenges. School wise he is a bit below grade level but is doing well. He is now really learning to read and he just turned 6. We have fought to keep him from being mainstreamed because that is what they like to do. Now his teacher sees that he will be with her for the next three years(the grades her special day class spans).

I would talk to the teacher about having a full evaluation done on him by them. Obviously she knows he needs help. You can request an eval at any time, you just need to call up the district and ask. As for the aide to stop because she is not helping.

[SunshineJ]

It sounds to me like the school system isn't really willing to do much to help your son right now (7%?? That's ridiculous!). Check with your insurance company. Many will cover speech and hearing evaluations by licensed medical professionals, and some will even cover speech therapy (and others that may be needed). I don't know your financial situation (and it's none of my business) but if he happens to be on any state medical plan, this should easliy be covered as well. DS had speech issues that we discovered when he was only 19 months and it amazed us how many other areas of his development that had affected once we were able to get it corrected (it was a medically treatable problem). Also I would definitely schedule a follow up conference with the teacher and request that the aide and principal be there as well. If you can get him in to be evaluated prior to the meeting and have the results available, then I'd also ask to include the special needs person too. During this meeting you need to let them know that this is something that should have been brought to your attention earlier, that the aide's behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop immediately, and that as you're all there to ensure the success of your child, you need a plan with the teacher on exactly what the issues are she's encountering and what the two of you can do to work together to resolve the concerns. I would personally hold off on the ADHD evaluation until the other evaluations are complete. Too often ADHD is a blanket diagnosis with some professionals mistaking it for other conditions. If your son is not hearing or processing the information he receives correctly in addition to having difficulty being understood, it's no wonder he may be exhibiting behavioural issues in the classroom. Good luck and keep us posted!

K.

[williamsmommy2002]

The other thing I would like to mention is about his behavior. My ds does some of those behaviors as a defensive thing. He gets silly when things get to hard. His occupational therapist said it's pretty common in kids with sensory processing issues. She also said it could be a by product of his anxiety. We certainly see a lot more bad behaviors when he is pushed or stressed.

I think schools try to through around adhd a lot because they push the solution to the issue back onto the parents(meds). They try to stay out of the equation when dealing with it to save themselves either money or hassle.

[Britishmum]

The first thing I'd do is contact the principal and tell her that you do not want the aide reciting off to you all your son's misdemeanors at the end of school. That if there is something that needs mentioning, you expect the privacy of a phone call or letter to you. And if the aide continues, tell her very clearly and assertively that what your son does in school is between you and the teacher, and that you will no longer discuss it with her. Period. Put an end to it, firmly and directly, because it is totally unacceptable.

Then ask the principal for a meeting with her, the teacher, but not the aide (who has shown you she is not professional with her behaviour) and the teacher in charge of special needs, plus anyone else the principal might recommend. Stress to her that you were shocked not to have heard about these problems before, and that you want to immediately open up the lines of communication.

HTH. Good luck!

[meemee]

what i am going to suggest is going to be v. v. hard considering you have an infant.

volunteer, volunteer, volunteer in your son's classroom. you have no idea who much help this is. to know whats really going on in class. to have a rapport with your teacher. and it makes a huge difference to your child to have mommy helping in class. i cant tell you how much it helps their behaviour.

i would definitely file a written complaint about the aide. absolutely.

and keep on fighting for what you need. whatever services you need. the school will fight you for that. but its your right and you should get it. and let me tell you in my experience i have found that it isnt the 'experts' who know more. it is other parents who have fought and gone through the system who would be your best 'go to' person.

in the meantime i would also start researching other schools around you. and when the open enrollment time comes sign up. you dont have to decide yet if you want to move ur son as you wont have to register till summer anyways, but what you can do is prepare for it that if u do want to you have the option open.

i too am shocked that they have waited this long to tell you anything.

what about his sister. is she in the same class as him? how is she doing?