So frustrated!!!

[dmariev]

Ok, so here it is;

I am a 27yo, waiting for 2nd baby to arrive in June. BUT it is daddy's first, and we *more than* bump heads on circumcision. I'm ready to pull my hair out! He is all for it, I am definately against! My 8 year old sone is intact, and he has never had any problems. Daddy to be is just scared and too darn stubborn to let me educate him. He will not listen at all. I am praying for a girl, because I don't think I can win against him. Not to mention his family. What can I do? Thinking of putting my baby through that un-necessary pain brings me to tears. Why can't he feel the same? I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Just so emotional and feeling lost and defeated. Like I can't protect my baby and it isn't even here yet. All positive feedback is needed. Any advice is amazingly appreciated.
Thanks for listening.

[Sailor]

Well, I wouldn't worry yet. You could be having a girl. So, don't stress, and calm down.

First, I would gather all the research. Then, I would give it to him, saying that unless he read it all and came up with a LOGICAL reason for circumcision, you will NEVER give permission.

And leave it at that.

Personally, this, I think, is more than reasonable. You're giving him information, and allowing him to present a logical case.

Of course, we all know he won't find a logical reason. But, he gets to figure that out on his own.

If he still refuses to read the research, then he doesn't get a vote.

It's a matter of being VERY clear in the hospital. Write it down "I, (insert full name), do not agree or give permission to have my son circumcised." Sign it. Hand it out to all the nurses. Hand it to the doctor. Tell the doctor.

They need the permission of BOTH parents, as far as I am aware. So, as long as you hold your own - they can't touch your son, and your dh won't be able to do anything about it.

[onemommy]

show him pictures of a circ...sometimes one graphic will do more than all our arguing! there were some good ones in mothering magazine a short while back, and also there are probably ones (i imagine) at www.nocirc.org

my husband is anti-circ, and he said the pics in mothering made him so disgusted, he felt like his eyeballs were being stuck with razor blades.

good luck!!

[AutumnMama]

You need to put it on *him* to convince you why circ'ing is beneficial.
80% of the world is intact, and no major medical association in the world recommends RIC.

I hope he comes around, it's really hard to know that your partner isn't in agreement with such a major issue.

[yarngoddess]

Having circed my first son- this issue would ABSOLUTLY be a Deal Breaker for me. Sorry- but to FORCE my child to have part of his PENIS cut off when we know there is a better way is wrong on more than one level for me.

I would tell him that you won't budge on this issue- and that unless he can produce a REAL viable reason- it's not happening. I would also make him WATCH the footage of a circ being performed. With the volume up.

sending you GIRL vibes.

[Britishmum]

I would quietly alter your mindset first. Mine would be that no way, absolutely no way, was my son to be circumcized. There is no way I would see it that I may not be able to stand up to him (or his family.) Thinking about it dispassionately, anyway, if there is a procedure that you don't agree on, then the default has to be to do nothing. Your son could make up his own mind when he's old enough. But until then, there is no reason for your husband to call the shots, no matter how determined he is.

I think that if you make it clear to him that it is absolutely not going to happen, but that you are happy to educate him as to why, you will be coming to the issue with a far stronger and more confident mindset.

You may also need to gently deal with the impression that he may be getting that you feel that he is faulty because he is circumcized, but you are saying that it is wrong and you will not continue that cycle. I know that people here will be able to advise you well on how to deal with that sensitive issue with your dh.

Stand firm, believe in yourself, and it will be fine. Many couples face this issue, because so many men have no idea about their own circumcisions and just accept it as the norm. But things are changing, and you are helping your dh to break the cycle.

HTH.

[Britishmum]

Oh, and I just saw your location. I don't know the statistics, but if your dh pulls the 'locker room' argument, you can assure him that there are many, many intact boys in the Bay Area. I'm sure it's a big majority because of the demographic here, but maybe someone here can give you a link to those statistics.

[Greg B]

First, it is your husband who needs to come up with a reasoned argument, not you. So don't let him put you on the defensive. The default should be leaving the foreskin alone. Removing it should require very strong, well articulated reasons why removing the foreskin has advantages that clearly outweigh the human rights violation, pain, stress, mental terror, risk of complications, loss of sexual function and feelings.

Second, have this available to read. It covers all the significant issues, is authoratative, well referenced, and by doctors.

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...yStatement.pdf

Be strong. Your son will thank you, at least I would have.

Regards

[LavenderMae]

First off I would start thinking "my son will NOT be harmed, period" instead of thinking you can't protect him from his father's wishes.
Your dh doesn't really understand the way a parent feels for their child yet and that might be one reason he doesn't seem to care about the pain that cirumcision would cause his son. I would continue to try to educate him (maybe get him to watch the Penn & Teller episode on circ) but when it comes down to it I would not let my baby be harmed not for anyone. Have you tried the 'leaving it up to your son what happens to HIS penis angle' that has gotten some people to think ime.

I wouldn't even engage his family your (potential) son's penis has nothing to do with them.

[vintagetroll]

luckily my hubby is just as anti circ as I am, but when family members pressed I always told them if Hank was upset I kept him intact then I would pay for the surgery as an adult, take care of him during the recovery, and make sure he had as many strong painkillers as he desired.

this is a serious situation but for most of the people in my life that was actually enough to shut them up. I also agree with all the other posters- just say its not going to be done, you are more than willing to educate him on why, and if that isn't enough then I think I would have to seriously reconsider my relationship.

[Nicole B]

Your 8yo is intact
Play up that angle
If this baby is a boy he will surely relate better with his brother than his daddy and big brother will be old enough to explain how easy it is to care for also

My dh felt at first that "he was, whats the big deal " attitude till I explained to him exactly what it was in great detail and told him to watch a video...
I don't think he ever got around to watching it to tell you the truth:
Just hearing it from me was enough to thoroughly nauseate him

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

You are the one that has to sign the consent, you are his mother you are supposed to protect him. I would out and out tell him over my dead body if he refuses to listen to reason.

I would also be careful about the message he is sending to your intact ds. The last thing you want is for him to start thinking something is wrong with him because he is intact.

Your ds comes first your dh second he will get over it your ds will never be able to get back his foreskin if you allow it to be removed.

Are you afraid your dh will take your ds and have it done without your permission? If that is the case then you never let him be alone with your ds until he is at least a year old when they cant do it without putting him to sleep.


Did you leave your ds1 intact because you did the research and know exactly what is taken away with circ or did you not have it done just because it didn't seem right at the time? If it is the first then you know in your heart you cannot allow it to happen. If it is the first then do the research now and learn exactly why circ is such a horrible atrocity.

[eepster]

Sorry if I'm repeating, I didn't read all the replies, I just skimmed them.

You need to realise your partener is probably not ready to aproach this topic rationally. This article can help you understand this.

Just remain firm but calm. Instead of trying to convince him not to circ, which is the default anyway, have him try to convince you why you should circ, then if he actually finds anything you can simply explain why it isn't valid (there is nothing out there that actually is valid, so no worries.)

[Mrsboyko]

First, relax. You have many months left of this pregnancy where baby is tucked safely in your belly.

Second, it could be a girl, right? Are you panning to find out the gender?

I mentioned the circc issue to DH at about 8 weeks or so, and I let it drop when he said that it would be done, period. Then after our US when we knew it was a boy (18 weeks) I brought it up again. He seriously didn't think it was an issue and tossed out the line of "everyone in my family is circced and so will my son. i want him to look like me!". I told him I WOULD NOT talk about it till he had done some research because it would be pointless. I e-mailed him a link to the Penn and Teller video (someone have that link?) and again let it drop for a week or so. Then I sent him a link to an article. Then a link to the AAP reccommendations. Then a link to nocirc.org . Finally he sent me something back, basic "what is a circumcision" info. Nothing i didn't know, but it ment he was finally looking and getting that i was serious. This is after about 3 weeks of little hints.

I am now 23 weeks and I still won't talk to him about it, and he hasn't brought it up, because I know he has not done all the research he needs to. As time draws closer, I will broach the subject again. Like around 30 weeks. If I don't have him convinced by 38 weeks, I am putting my foot down hard and point blank telling him it is not getting done, I don't care what he says. And it won't. We are having a HB and he doesn't drive, so there is NO way he could get the circc scheduled, bring the baby in and have it done all on his own, and i will not let him even if he could.

GGRRRrr, mama bear is out now!

[EarthMommy80]

A lot of good repspones (although I didn't read them all). I just want to say... Just don't do it!!! You have to sign the papers, so don't! My DP was not on board with leaving DS intact, and even a year later still isn't, but a mama has to protect her little boy at all costs, and you know that since you didn't circ your first DS. Good luck, and blessings.

Peace

[minkajane]

Originally Posted by Sailor

They need the permission of BOTH parents, as far as I am aware.

This is not correct. As far as the hospital is concerned, the father has no rights whatsoever to the baby until they are released from the hospital. The mother is the one who has to sign any and all forms regarding care of the baby. If the father signs consent for the circ, the hospital could get in BIG trouble if they did it and the mother didn't want it done. So all she has to do is not consent. The only problem with that is that once they're out of the hospital, the dad could take the baby to the pediatrician and get it done in the clinic, since at that point he has the legal right to do so.

[mandalin24kd]

Hey sis, I agree with what everyone is saying. I Love you very much and I know how sick this is all making you. Take a deep breath and it'll work out! And like everyone said, not doing it is the default!!!!

I know you have the power and I'm here to support you!

All you love!!

[Yulia_R]

Please show your DH this thread:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=822675

Make sure you play him the video of the procedure with the speakers on (it's in the thread).

Remind him that amputation of the same tissue in a girl (clitoral hood is female foreskin) would be called genital mutilation. It's no different with boys.

Also, point our that in countries that plactice female genital mutilation, the victims (in this case females) also think that they are totally fine, their sex is fine, there is nothing wrong with that and that they need to do it to their daughters. The same logic that keeps FGM going, keeps MGM going as well.

[Sailor]

Originally Posted by minkajane

This is not correct. As far as the hospital is concerned, the father has no rights whatsoever to the baby until they are released from the hospital. The mother is the one who has to sign any and all forms regarding care of the baby. If the father signs consent for the circ, the hospital could get in BIG trouble if they did it and the mother didn't want it done. So all she has to do is not consent. The only problem with that is that once they're out of the hospital, the dad could take the baby to the pediatrician and get it done in the clinic, since at that point he has the legal right to do so.

Ah, well, that's even better then. She's safe at the hospital as long as she makes it clear to everyone that she does not agree.

Beyond that, well, I'd just keep track of my baby. After a while, the circ procedure becomes much more complicated to perform. And, chances are, her dh will lose interest after a while. I can't imagine a man going behind his wife's back to circ their child - that would be automatic divorce for me!

I do know of a mom who wrote on her son's belly that she does not consent to a circ, and will get lawyers to back her up if it's done.

It worked for her.

This is really a matter of just staying strong, and not giving in. Which I know can be very difficult in the face of so much opposition. But, what other alternative is there?

[Jeff B]

The newborn circumcision rate in California is now below 25%. Most of your son's peers will be intact. California parents of all races and ethnic backgrounds are saying NO to circumcision.