AP and foster parenting

[Ravin]

This isn't exactly about adoption, but often adoption and foster parenting are related, so I figured I'd post it here.

I've been thinking for a long time about foster parenting, but I have some reservations because I'm afraid the rules and my AP style of parenting will clash too much, and I don't want to have to treat any foster kids w/ a double standard compared to my own.

I know there are some things a foster parent has no control over, such as having to send the fosterlings to public school. And I realize depending on the child's history cosleeping could be a bad idea, but would it not be allowed even if the foster child was a newborn or young infant? What about breastfeeding or feeding an infant pumped BM (Which could only be beneficial to a newborn, especially if born drug exposed or premature, etc.) All this will likely influence what age children I take in, I suspect it may be easier in some ways to take in older children without double standard type issues coming up--gentle discipline at least shouldn't be a problem.

I'd like input from others who have been foster parents and how it's worked with AP.

[ja mama]

/

[Ravin]

Mostly waiting until we're in a financial situation where it's feasible and I've gotten a handle on the whole parenting thing. Could be 6 months, could be 6 years.

[AnnMarie]

Re: AP and foster parenting

Originally posted by Ravin
And I realize depending on the child's history cosleeping could be a bad idea, but would it not be allowed even if the foster child was a newborn or young infant? What about breastfeeding or feeding an infant pumped BM (Which could only be beneficial to a newborn, especially if born drug exposed or premature, etc.) All this will likely influence what age children I take in, I suspect it

Co-sleeping with foster children isn't allowed in my state, and I really doubt nursing or giving pumped milk would go over so well either. The parent(s) would have to OK it, and so would the state.

[T. Elena]

My read, based on social-worker reactions to our set up, was that the social worker seemed 110% comfortable with our parenting but sent signals that we may want to play down certain things. For instance, when asked where the baby would sleep, I pushed the envelope by saying, "Well, we have a crib, but our first baby never used it." (I didn't want to be dishonest.) She responded, "Where will the baby sleep when it's older?" (We took the hint and explained that the kid would have it's own room, which will eventually be true.) She said, "I'll put down that the baby will sleep in the parents' room in the early months of placement and then will have his or her own room." Wink, wink. Okay, we get it.

My gut feeling is that no social worker, no matter how hard-hearted, would have a problem with a kid sleeping in parents' room if sick, during a thunderstorm, after a nightmare, or in other special circumstances. But I could be wrong. You could feel out a social worker by asking if it's considered okay to let a foster kid sleep with you under those special circumstances -- could be a "safe" way to test the waters on co-sleeping.

Not sure what the rules -- official or unofficial -- are for fostering.

In many states it's illegal for foster moms to nurse their foster babies.

[OnTheFence]

Cosleeping could be an issue but like another poster said there are ways around it. Dont advertise it. My friend coslept with her foster child that she later adopted.

As for breastfeeding and giving the baby expressed breastmilk. This would be a big No No. If the baby is trying to be reunited with the birthparents this could really hurt the baby emotionally since it would not be being breastfed by their mother.

Also, foster children have to keep regular health checkups -- well baby care, etc. and they will be required to be up to date on their vaccinations, etc. Technically, the children are wards of the state and the state makes their medical decisions -- not the foster families. So also using homeopathic remedies and such could be an issue as well. Most state and private agencies have you sign that you will do well baby check ups and get necessary vaccinations.

Also, there is a no corporal punishment rule with foster children. Hopefully this isnt an issue anyway with an AP mom!

And homeschooling is out. They are required to attend private or public school, but no homeschooling.

[Piglet68]

Originally posted by OnTheFence
Also, there is a no corporal punishment rule with foster children.

T

Well at least SOMEBODY is admitting that corporal punishment is detrimental to the mental health of children (even if it's just "certain" children).

Maybe there is hope for a "no spanking Law" after all.

[Irishmommy]

For your own sakes, don't cosleep with a foster child. You are leaving yourselves wide open to allegations and charges. It is NOT worth it. There are ways of nurturing a foster child without compromising yourself.

[Ravin]

Pretty much what I was thinking. I'll probably foster older kids, like 3 or 4 and up, rather than babies.

[shibababy]

Hi,
I am a foster parent in AZ, close to where you are.
FYI-You cannot co-sleep, breastfeed or homeschool. Vaccinations are required and babyfood cannot be home-made. I hope this helps. Please feel free to ask me if you have any more questions.

[Leatherette]

Shibababy,

I could follow all of what you said until the no homemade babyfood. Do they give you a rationale for that?

Just wondering,
Leatherette

[alicia622]

In my state, a foster child may sleep in the parents room till age one. I assume breast feeding would be out of the question- which is too bad because I will feel like a bad foster mommy when the time comes. I certainly plan to make my own baby food so I don't think I'll ask about that one. Geez- that doesn't make sense at all!!!

[Ravin]

Can you put your foster children in a charter school in Arizona? It is a public school, after all, or do you have to put them in the regular public school just down the street no matter if it's highly inconvenient (for example, your bio kids are in the charter school in question) or NOT what's best for the child (Often it is beneficial for an older/teen child to be in an alternate/accelerated high school program). If charters school placement is allowed, what about online charter schools such as Arizona Virtual School that are effectively umbrella schools in which there is tracking/provided curriculum, teachers to advise, but the students can do their lessons at home (effectively making it homeschooling although they are enrolled in school)?

Does anyone know where I can find the answer to this question, even if you don't know it off the top of your head?

[MCR]

Where I am, babies can sleep in the fp room for a year or so, they are pretty flexable.
I've even heard of some being homeschooled, probably part of a large homeschool that the sw can at least be assured they are keeping up to their grade level.
Homemade baby food is no problem, my SW say it healthier
Cloth dipes no problem either (I would use dispoables for visits, so none are thrown away or lost)
We had a local LLL leader who became a fp, she co slept with her own ds while foster kids (older) had her sons room. As for breastmilk, what if you did both? Bmilk at home during the night etc, botlle of formula when out and about at visits etc, surely some breastmilk is better than none?
What they don't know can't hurt? I don't think I'd do it though, I haven't produced milk in many years :LOL

[AngelBee]

: Gathering info as I am looking into the foster/foster adopt programs in MN

[Sierra]

Ravin,

In our state we can have babies sleeping in a crib in our room until they are one year old. We keep the crib next to our bed and often spend part of the night with a hand on our foster son's chest so he knows we're there. Occassionally, we accidently fall asleep with him in our bed, but I think that is normal/expected for parents who don't co-sleep-- and heck, he gets the benefits of co-sleeping for a little bit. At his age and in our foster son's particular situation, it isn't abuse experiences that make co-sleeping a no-no with the state, but rather the state's liability in cases of SIDs, etc. If a child is sleeping in the foster parents bed, and dies overnight, the state is more likely to be facing a lawsuit, even though it is very unlikely that sleeping in a crib would have changed things. At least that is what I *think* the reasoning is.

I think it would also be hard on a kid who was used to co-sleeping to then move to the average western-world home (if, for example, they were moved back to bio parents) and then have to go through that adjustment along with the loss of the family bed. As for breastfeeding, we didn't even ask because we got a clear message from one of our foster parent trainers not to even ask the licensor. We've found other special ways to bond and attach with our kidos. With a 3 or 4 year old, as you are thinking of, its a lot easier to parent under foster care regulations. It's much harder with teeny babies. For instance, we weren't allowed to swaddle our newborn foster baby at night because he wasn't allowed to have anything in his crib but the clothes on his back. This meant that he was flailing all about all night and kept waking himself up. Finally, we got one of those velcro-on blankets with the thinking that they will probably count it as clothes since it "snaps" shut. You won't face as many of these issues with the older kids.

As for double standards with bio kids and foster kids, I think it all depends on the age of the kids you are foster parenting in comparison to the age of your bio child at the time the foster children are with you. Obviously if you had two babies/young kidos, one bio and one fostered, co-sleeping with one and not the other really wouldn't be cool. I think with the ages of your child and the foster child ages you are looking at, you'll be okay.

In terms of schooling, our understanding is that our state will allow homeschooling only in cases where it is documented that the traditional school setting will not meet the child's needs. And because special needs kids get "Indvidualized Education Plans" (IEPs), this can be difficult to make a case for. We once had a child we wanted to do it with, but the director of the private agency we were working with at the time told us we were facing a major, uphill battle even though despite having an IEP, our foster son was failing the vast majority of his classes...and learning really nothing. We ended up being thankful for the "break time" of school because of our child's behavior, and it seemed beneficial for him to be able to attend a school with some diversity, but ultimately we still believe homeschooling would have brought him more educational value. Anyway, we don't have charter schools here, but I think it probably would have been a similar process.

By the way, the leader of one of our foster parent trainings was a huge homeschool advocate, as well as a foster mom, and the adoptive mother of four foster children. She was so happy to complete her adoptions and start finally being able to homeschool without all the major red tape in foster care.

[AnnMarie]

Originally Posted by MCR

As for breastmilk, what if you did both? Bmilk at home during the night etc, botlle of formula when out and about at visits etc, surely some breastmilk is better than none?
What they don't know can't hurt? I don't think I'd do it though, I haven't produced milk in many years :LOL

That would be wrong. Their parents still have rights, and it would ONLY be OK if the parent(s) said so. Breastmilk is best, but it is the parent's choice, not the foster parent's. Foster parents are just looking after someone else's child(ren) while they can't at the moment.

[shibababy]

Originally Posted by AnnMarie

That would be wrong. Their parents still have rights, and it would ONLY be OK if the parent(s) said so. Breastmilk is best, but it is the parent's choice, not the foster parent's. Foster parents are just looking after someone else's child(ren) while they can't at the moment.

Exactly! If your children were taken into care and you were expressing milk, would you want foster mom to just throw it out and give baby formula? It kind of works that way with breastfeeding foster children. Also, due to health regulations, it would be wrong. Remember, more than just milk is transferred to baby through breastmilk. I would never want another woman to breastfeed my child because I would not know what her bodily fluids contain. Does that make sense?

You CAN co-sleep with foster babies (off the record of course). But you do have to have a crib as well for regulation purposes. I would not suggest doing it with older kids because if they say something, you run the risk of an allegation of sexual abuse. Sad, but that's how the "system" thinks.

As far as charter schools, yes foster children can attend charter schools in AZ. The no-homeschooling rule is just to protect the child's education. Also, it gives other professionals access to the child to make sure they are receiving proper care and vaccinations (another pair of eyes).

As a parent and foster parent, you will do what you feel is right for the child, within the limitations of the regulations. The no homemade baby food rule is there for liability reasons. But no one is in your home checking menus or monitoring what goes into baby's mouth everyday.
No SW has ever had a problem with my using cloth diapers. AS a matter of fact, my fd has lifted her dress and shown her caseworker her diapers and I even suggested my licensing worker use them when she was recently pregnant with her second child. Babywearing is also not an issue. I've swaddled all of my foster babies, noone has ever said it wasn't okay.