Daughter having issues at school

[Keshia]

My daughter has been having problems at school since the beginning of the school year. She interrupts the teacher during class to talk to the other students, and is a bully to some of the kids by pushing them and we just received word that she is now spitting on them. At the beginning of the school year the teacher had to move my daughter's desk near her's.

She has been at this school since the middle of the last school year (last Jan.) and I witnessed her being influenced by the other kids that acted up in her last class. They hit her, and she would hit back. They switched the light on and off, and she would follow. However, now I don't know what the issue is and if she is still following or if she's doing this all on her own.

We're having to meet with the principal after school today at 3.

We talk to Aaliyah daily about not hitting the other kids, no matter if they hit her or not and to tell the teacher if they hit her. Everyday when we pick her up she tells us she was good and she'd didn't hit anyone, whether or not she did or didn't. These episodes go through spurts. She will have a few days where she's good, then everything happens again for a few days.

I don't know what to do. My dream is to homeschool but both DH and I are in school FT and work FT.

ETA: I forgot I changed my siggy. My daughter will be 5 in 3 weeks. If anyone has any possible questions I could ask the teacher today, please feel free to add.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Is this preschool or K? Response would be a bit different for one than the other, I think. I'm assuming this is preschool.

I always start by asking for more details from the teacher. How often, whom, what precedes episodes, what teacher has been doing in response, that sort of detail. That will help you both form a plan. Especially explore whether the teacher is aware of other children hitting her. What the teacher probably can't tell you, from a privacy standpoint, is who is hitting her and what the teacher is doing for discpline for the other students.

Then find out if the teacher has a proposed plan. Be sure to indicate that you expect to work as a team to help behavior improve. From there, probably depends on whether the teacher has a satisfactory plan or not. I will say that most schools will want to use some form of time out for hitting and you will probably not be able to avoid that, even if you are anti-time-out at home. They have a responsibility to keep all children from being hit and do need to remove students who are being violent.

Be sure the plan includes some communication method from teacher to you every day -- not just your daughter's report. I'm really surprised there isn't some sort of daily report system already -- our preschool always had one.

[Keshia]

Thanks Evan&Anna's Mom. She's in preschool, although last night she said something about going to a different class next month or Jan., I have to ask the teacher today if that's true and if she's being moved up or just to a different teacher in the same grade. The "daily report" consists of us asking her teacher when we pick her up how the day went. My husband asked the teacher a few weeks ago if she could just leave a short note in her backpack every day and she agreed but I guess that's too much because she hasn't left one so we'll be asking about that again today.

[Keshia]

Come on guys...54 views and only 1 reply?

Basically, the principal said that if something happens next week then she will put my daughter in a room by herself and teach her and counsel her and she will go with everyone at meal times only.

When we got home we asked her why she kicked and spat on the other kids and she said "cuz they kicked/spat on me". We then asked her why she didn't tell the teacher and she said "cuz I forgot" and told her that she needs to immediately tell the teacher and DO NOT kick/spit on the other kid. We asked if she has ever kicked them first and she said yes and when we asked why she said "cuz they don't want to be my friend." We also asked why she interrupts the teacher when she is talking. She said, "cuz I asked to pass out the papers". So we told her to wait till the teacher is done talking. That was the jist of it.

It seems so cut and dry but she is a very active child and very outgoing (complete opposite of me, LOL). She goes to a private school and they have playtime but they sit at desks most of the day. I had a problem with this at first but she is thriving and beginning to learn how to read.

Has anyone dealt with any of this? What did you do?

[AndrewsMother]

Are you able to observe her class for a day. Do you ever stop by during the middle of the day just to watch through the door?

Isolating a 5 year old child for the entire day, other than lunch, is not an adequate solution to the problem.


I did not want to read and not respond, but I don't have much insight into your daughter's behavior issues.

[Keshia]

Yes, the principal told us today that we are able to observe so we plan on doing that next week. I was thinking the same thing about the isolation, however if it works, it works. I am thinking that it may work for a little bit then things will go back to the way there were as this is how it is right now. But who knows. If it doesn't work, I'm not sure what to do next.

Thanks for responding.

[karne]

I feel concerned to hear that your preschool dd would potentially be isolated for an entire day, except mealtime. Is that even legal? No matter, it's really not appropriate, IMO, unless your dd is posing serious harm to other children. I guess I don't really know the history, so I don't have much else. Just wanted to say I have a big problem with that type of isolation.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by Keshia

Yes, the principal told us today that we are able to observe so we plan on doing that next week. I was thinking the same thing about the isolation, however if it works, it works. I am thinking that it may work for a little bit then things will go back to the way there were as this is how it is right now. But who knows. If it doesn't work, I'm not sure what to do next.

Thanks for responding.

Oh please, don't take this attitude. Lots of things "work" in the short run that are terrible for kids in the long run. You need to figure out what is right for your child for both long and short term, and DO NOT let the school dictate that. She's 5, she needs you to protect her. And the school needs to protect other children.

Do you need preschool for childcare? Because if you don't this seems like a lose-lose situation right now. If you wanted her to be isolated from other children, why on earth would you PAY someone else to do that???

Definitely start by observing. If other children are indeed hurting her and the teachers aren't seeing this, then she is not safe and you need to pull her out of this school immediately. No way around it. Basic safety first. If they are seeing it and dealing with it, then I don't understand why they aren't putting this into the equation.

If she is as aggressive as they are saying, watch for triggers and situations. Is it just before lunch/nap? Is it just during free play? Maybe this school is the wrong atmosphere, too academic, not providing the proper nutrition or enough rest for your child. Not all kids will thrive in all places. From your short description, this is not a school I would have chosen for my child and it may not be a good fit for yours either.

If the school isn't right and you don't need it, then take her out. But she does need to learn to interact with other children, so make sure you replace it with some sort of structured classes -- maybe sports or music? If you need preschool for child care, then maybe find a school with less desk time and more play based? Really, a preschool child shouldn't be sitting at a desk all the time. Maybe a school with smaller, less intense classes and/or more teachers per classroom to help provide guidance?

I think observing the class will tell you a lot, and a long conference with the teacher should also provide information. But I don't think the solution the principal is suggesting is appropriate for any young child, so I think you'll have to look further or fight for a different option.

[Keshia]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

Oh please, don't take this attitude. Lots of things "work" in the short run that are terrible for kids in the long run. You need to figure out what is right for your child for both long and short term, and DO NOT let the school dictate that. She's 5, she needs you to protect her. And the school needs to protect other children.

That is what I was saying - it may not work in the long run, if it does, then great, but if it doesn't, then we'll need to figure something else out.

Do you need preschool for childcare? Because if you don't this seems like a lose-lose situation right now. If you wanted her to be isolated from other children, why on earth would you PAY someone else to do that???

This is a day-by-day thing. If she hurts someone again, the principal will take her to a room and counsel her and teach her the things her class is learning. If it doesn't work out then we'll talk with her teacher/principal and find other options. I need to figure out what is causing her to act this way before I pull her out because it could happen at the next place as well.

[Tapioca]

My daughter is a little younger than yours but she has had some similar issues, and, by the sounds of it, a similar personality. She's also very active and social and physical - very touchy feely.

She's not in ps full time, but what I've found is she seems to do best with lots of structure (TIGHT boundaries and a strong and smart authority figure), lots of physical activity, and playing with boys. For instance, I have her in a sports class and kindergym, rather than dance or something more girly. Also, I've noticed she acts up in unstructured environments. All this I've figured out by observation.

In the time she was in part time daycare, she used to do a kinda mean girl thing with the other girls, and being physical/touchy feely, it used to come out in aggression/pinching etc. Her daycare teacher suggested she was bored. Could your DD be bored, as well as needing more active time?

Anyway. Just throwing out some ideas, I hope they help.

As well, I have clear consequences for bad behaviour. Like, the removal of something she values.

[Tapioca]

Thought of something else. I met a teenager recently who was a very active, physical strong little girl who used to get in trouble a lot. She went to an elementary with a strong drama/dance programme and absolutely thrived. She said it gave her an outlet for all her extra energy.

Just a thought.

[ChristaN]

Have you tried googling "when your child is the bully," or something similar? I'd expect that you could find some "expert" advice on helping figure out the potential causes. If you can figure out what is causing her to act this way, perhaps you'll have better luck getting her to stop rather than treating the symptoms with punishment which sounds like the school's approach. Did they have any insight into the cause?

[pranamama]

I'd probably change rooms or schools before I tried the isolation route.

[AndrewsMother]

Originally Posted by Tapioca

My daughter is a little younger than yours but she has had some similar issues, and, by the sounds of it, a similar personality. She's also very active and social and physical - very touchy feely.

She's not in ps full time, but what I've found is she seems to do best with lots of structure (TIGHT boundaries and a strong and smart authority figure), lots of physical activity, and playing with boys. For instance, I have her in a sports class and kindergym, rather than dance or something more girly. Also, I've noticed she acts up in unstructured environments. All this I've figured out by observation.

In the time she was in part time daycare, she used to do a kinda mean girl thing with the other girls, and being physical/touchy feely, it used to come out in aggression/pinching etc. Her daycare teacher suggested she was bored. Could your DD be bored, as well as needing more active time?

Anyway. Just throwing out some ideas, I hope they help.

As well, I have clear consequences for bad behaviour. Like, the removal of something she values.

Originally Posted by pranamama

I'd probably change rooms or schools before I tried the isolation route.

Great suggestions